Reaching Out For You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  Reaching

  Out For You

  By

  S.Moose

  Reaching Out For You - copyright 2013 S. Moose

  Editing by Terry Trahan

  Cover design by Stephen Bligh.

  Cover models, Crystal Gray and Ryan Burns.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, included photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior writer permission of the publisher.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used factitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  Follow me:

  Important Resources

  Dedication

  To everyone who thinks they can’t because you can. Stay strong and remember you have someone out there who wants to help you. All you have to do is ask and let them help you.

  Praise for

  Reaching Out For You

  “There were definitely highs and lows in this book, but in the end, this book was stunningly awesome. Great love story!”

  -Dawn Martens, author

  “Reaching Out For You is suspenseful and dramatic and it's an all around great love story that you don't want to miss. The author really knows how to place you on the edge of your seat sometimes making you angry, sad and happy but most of all wanting more!”

  -Nickie Seidler, author

  “Reaching Out For You is a fabulous debut not afraid to tackle difficult life situations and offer hope to its readers.”

  -Carey Heywood, author

  “S. Moose has written a beautiful and compelling story of love and loss and rekindling that love again.”

  -Glenna Maynard, author

  “This easy read is filled with emotion. Set up with reality, it brought a mist to my eyes. S. Moose writes in a way that I could connect pretty quickly. Yes, I have to admit that I shed a couple of tears. I felt Sophia as if I was reading about me.”

  -SayWhatSavannahMae.com

  Prologue

  Life is tricky. It does things that make you wonder. It always throws curve balls but it takes strength and love to be able to get through the disasters. The simple words and actions of others can make a difference between life and death. Sometimes it’s hard to feel love, but it’s always there. The love of a parent, a sibling or a friend is there but the darkness has a way of hiding these feelings that people yearn for.

  Darkness. What a funny word that carries such evilness and fear. It takes a strong person to overcome darkness who is able to see past it and reach for the light. The light can be anyone or anything.

  Walking away from my light is the one decision I regret the most. I didn’t want to walk away but leaving him behind was the best thing to do. It’s been over four years and I still think about him all the time.

  Like I said, life is tricky. I see my light every week but I can’t bring myself to say anything. I feel nothing but shame and embarrassment. I can’t talk to him and tell him how sorry I am. He looks happy and I don’t want to ruin it. Plus it’s probably too late. I don’t want to mess up his life like I did before.

  Chapter 1

  I look down at my journal and read my latest entry. Writing is an escape from reality for me. It helps me release my emotions in a healthy way instead of making destructive decisions like turning to alcohol or locking myself away from the world. It aids me in letting out my feelings and it feels good because I can just write without worry of judgment from others. I have my ups and downs. I feel normal on the good days and I feel like I can accomplish so much. I’m happy and smiling. But when I’m upset, I shut out the world. I lie in bed all day and watch my life pass me by. Sometimes I think I am crazy. Sometimes I think I should get over my feelings and just be happy. I mean I’m alive, well just barely, and I have some amazing people in my life but there’s just something missing. Well someone. The ache in my heart is still there. It’ll never go away. I wonder if he thinks about me the way I think about him. I place my head on my pillow and my mind goes back to August when Adam walks back into my life.

  I was in my creative writing class when I felt someone staring at me. I turned around and there he was standing there before me. My heart stopped beating. Adam Simpson walked back into my life after four years. I thought he was in Boston but I guess I was wrong. I wondered what he was doing here, in my class, at my school. Our eyes connected for a moment and I swore I saw a smile on his face. I remembered his smile and blue eyes. Those eyes stared at me as if he could see my soul. I turned away from him because I didn’t want him to see me cry. I placed my head down and felt the tears coming down.

  Tears start coming down again. I just want to hear his voice. I want to feel his arms around me like before. My mind runs wild as I think about him. We’ve been apart for so long and it kills me to think we may never be friends again. I know that I said bye to him but he let me go too. How can we be friends again after so many years apart? I grab my journal again and take out a picture of my past. I look at my two best friends, Adam and Connor, holding me as I’m standing in the middle laughing. I never told Adam what’s in my heart. I didn’t think he would feel the same. I put the picture down thinking how now that they’re at the same school as me, this is my second chance to make it right again. I shake my head and push those thoughts away. It’s too late. We can never be friends again. I close my journal and put it back under my mattress. I have to hide my thoughts from the world. I can’t let anyone, especially my boyfriend Kyle, know what I’m feeling or what’s on my mind. I start thinking about my mom again. I need her and wish she could be here with me.

  My life was great; almost picture perfect until one day it flushed down the drain and took me down too. Everything was wonderful until the day I lost my mom. I was only seventeen. When she died in January, I lost a part of myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I was headed down a depressing path. I turned into a negative person who just saw nothing but sadness. I tried to live my life and be with my friends but after a while no one wanted to be around someone who was sad and mad all the time. Well that’s not entirely true. I became dependent on alcohol and drank myself stupid every day. I lost all of my friends. I drove everyone out of my life. There was no such thing as love or faith. Nothing in the world was right and I was on a downward spiral to my own death.

  My dad and older sister Sarah tried everything they could to help me but nothing worked. My dad put me in counseling but it was a waste of time then. The doctor couldn’t get through to me; no one could. I was alone. During each therapy session, I sat there looking at her. I felt bad how I acted, since she was trying to help, but at the time I hated everyone. At one of my sessions, she asked me if I was going to be angry for the rest of my life. I remembered looking at her with emptiness and shook my
head. I didn’t want to be mad forever. I was so eager to move on with my life and away from all the pain. When I graduated in June, I decided it was time for my start over. School was hard at first because I wasn’t used to being around a lot of people and offering my opinions but as each day passed it was easier. Although there were still demons I was dealing with it, each day became easier.

  I wipe the tears from my eyes. I’m alive and that’s the most important thing. I’m still in bed as I think about how my life is going. I’m in my senior year in college and I’m up for a marketing position at a prestigious company called Optimax. I have great friends and a boyfriend who loves me. Well I think he loves me. Kyle is a great boyfriend but lately we’ve been fighting. At first we would have simple disagreements, but now the agreements are escalating and his temper is getting the best of him. He controls every aspect of my life and I want to walk away but I can’t. I don’t think Kyle will ever let me go. His room is in my building and he’s always popping up. I hate that I’m continuously under his eyes. This is not how love is supposed to be but I’m stuck.

  I get up from my bed and decide to start getting ready for class. I put on a pair of jeans and a black v-neck sweater. I have a natural beauty and hate makeup, but today I apply mascara, blush and some gloss on my lips. I put on my black Michael Kors scarf and put on my pink North Face jacket. I give myself a quick check in the mirror and head out for class. It’s December and luckily no snow in North Carolina yet. It’s freezing outside but the walk to my class isn’t too bad of a walk. I look around and notice the bare trees all around. There’s a peaceful feel in the air today. I look up to the sky and remember my mom’s voice- I miss her so much. I think about her all the time. I talk to her from time to time especially when I’m having a bad day. It feels like she’s with me.

  As I enter the building I see Erin chatting away with a group of friends. I still remember the day we became friends.

  It was the first day of freshmen orientation and I saw this petite blond hair, green-eyed girl coming my way. I thought she’d mistaken me for someone else so I turned around and started walking away.

  “Hey!”

  I turned around and saw her smile, “Um hi?” The question in my tone made me sound like a snob but I didn’t know how else to answer her.

  “I’m Erin. It’s nice to meet you! I love your outfit! Oh my God! We need to go shopping together.”

  We’ve been friends ever since.

  “Well hello sunshine.” She gives me a quick hug and smiles at me, “where are you going now?”

  I point over to the classroom on the right hand side, “History. World War II, you know the fun stuff.”

  “I don’t even know why you’re taking that class. You’re like done with everything so why bother.”

  “One it’s a very interesting class and two I like to learn new things.”

  “Learn anything from Kyle yet?” The evil smirk on her face makes me laugh.

  I look back and see her waiting patiently for my answer. “No nothing new,” I laugh.

  “How are you a 21 year old virgin? Soph, you need to work on that or something! No wonder you’re always so mad.” She starts laughing and I want to crawl under the floor and disappear. Yes Kyle and I aren’t having sex but we do other things. He tries to convince me we should take our relationship to the next level every time we’re together. It kills me that he doesn’t understand. I tell him that I’m not ready and at first he understood, but now it’s just another argument. He throws it in my face that he can get any girl on campus to have sex with him. He makes me feel little and I hate it. I know I can break up with him but something always pulls me back to him.

  “Funny.” I shrug my shoulders. “You’re lucky you’re my best friend. But I got to get to class, talk to you later.” We give each other another hug and I go to class. I make my way to the back of the classroom and get ready for class to start. Students are slowly making their way into class. The room is fairly large with windows all over. It’s nice to look out and watch the world pass you by during a boring lecture. Today we’re discussing imprisonment, so fun.

  I pull out my notebook from my purse when I see Adam come into the room. My breathing stops and I feel my heart pounding. Our eyes meet and there’s something in his eyes that I can’t figure out. The look in his eyes makes me smile. He seems happy to see me. My heart starts dancing. I feel nervous, but a good nervous. That kind of nervous that makes you blush and secretly want more. I want him near me. I want us to be friends again. Our eyes are still on one another. The look that’s on his face brings back so many memories.

  When we were friends, he used to give me this look that made me feel good. It made my heart race. I was never able to describe that look but I knew what it meant. Deep down inside, I knew he felt the same about me. He used to take care of me and made sure I was happy. One time when I was sick, he skipped school and spent the day with me. He made me chicken noodle soup and rented movies for us to watch. It was moments like that which made me fall in love with him. We used to spend so much time together. Connor joked around with us all the time and kept telling us to make it official. Adam never said no but he didn’t say yes either. We laughed it off and never talked about it. We did everything together. Every memory I had involved Adam and Connor. I hated sleeping alone so Adam spent the nights with me in my room. He slept on the floor at first but when we got a little older he crawled into my bed with me. Nothing happened. We just talked.

  As soon as Dr. Murphy comes into class he takes Adam into the hall. I wonder what’s going on. I try and peek out but they’re so quiet and everyone in class is loud so I can’t hear anything. I keep thinking about the times we’ve run into each other and the smiles he gives me. Adam has two smiles-a friendly smile and one that means something else. The smile I get is the one that means something else. Still not sure what his smile means. I want to know but I can’t ask him. It’s hard to look at him when we pass each other. I’ve never taken the chance to talk to him because I’m anxious with how he’ll react. Would he dismiss me? Would he care? I don’t think he’d be rude since he smiles whenever I’m around but something just feels off. Finally Dr. Murphy comes back into class, without Adam, and starts his lecture. I try and listen to what he’s talking about but I keep thinking about Adam. The way he looks today stays on my mind. I love looking into his blue eyes. That smile. It makes me feel a little better. I want to think he misses me too or else he wouldn’t be friendly.

  “Miss Burns?”

  I quickly look up when Dr. Murphy calls my name. “I’m sorry Dr. Murphy could you repeat the question?”

  Annoyance in his tone he asks, “What are your thoughts about imprisonment?”

  I look around the room and see my classmate’s eyes on me. This seems like an easy answer since I experience imprisonment almost every day. I’m confident with my answer. “It’s an evil force that was used throughout the war and I think it was used to create fear and control.”

  Dr. Murphy’s face starts to glow. “Good Miss Burns.”

  He continues on with class and starts talking about how we shouldn’t let history repeat itself and making small changes can help ensure that. I think about what he’s saying and realize how I don’t want history to repeat. I don’t want the darkness to take over my life anymore. Erin keeps pushing me to talk to him and mend our friendship but I can’t. I don’t want him to laugh in my face or brush me off. I can’t handle that rejection from him. I do want things back to normal but I just need time and I need to do it on my own.

  Erin tried being friends with him since they had some classes together and talked about how good he looked or how nice he was. She thought it would be a good idea for us to be friends but I couldn’t handle the thought of Adam in my life again. She told me he asked about me but I immediately changed the topic. Talking about Adam opened too many wounds. I asked her to stop bringing him up because it hurt and she understood but told me I needed to grow a pair.

&nbs
p; When he dismisses class, I hurry out the room. I send a text to Erin so that we can meet for coffee. My body suddenly freezes and I feel someone watching me. I slowly turn around and see Adam behind me. Why did he have to transfer here to my school? Out of the thousands of schools there are in the United States, why this one? Why does he have to come back and turn my life upside down? My eyes are ready to pop out of my head. I don’t know what to say to him or what to do. He gets in front of me and I can’t talk. His face is inches from mine. Why does he have to stand so close to me? Our eyes connect and it’s a feeling no one can ever describe. The way he makes me feel is unbelievable. I feel my heart flutter and I see his smile touch his eyes. Everything makes sense when I’m with him. If only I can put aside my fears and talk to him. I want to tell him how much I miss him and ask him if we can be friends again. When he looks at me, nothing else matters. It feels like it’s just us and no one else-our own little world.

  “Hey Soph,” He smiles at me. “It was good seeing you in class. Sorry I couldn’t talk but maybe next time.” He places his hand on my shoulder and gives me a gentle squeeze and walks toward the gym. My body is on fire. With just one touch, my mind is spinning in circles. I feel everything in my body tighten.