Reaching Out For You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  I stand there with my mouth dry and my heart beating out of my chest. I can’t even say ‘hi’ to him. This is ridiculous. I am twenty-one years old and can handle talking to an old friend. An old friend that I still love and fantasize about, oh yeah, saying ‘Hi’ should have been easy!

  I make it to the café and order a soy caramel latte with an extra shot of espresso. I take a sip and wait for Erin at a table in the corner of the room. I play that scene over in my head and try to figure it all out. Maybe he doesn’t hate me and is trying to get back in my life? I lean back in the chair and smile. He’s always saying hi to me when we run into each other. I shouldn’t be nervous. This is a good thing. I hope.

  “Girl, stop thinking.”

  My head jerks up and my bubbly best friend is dressed to impress with her skinny jeans, black knee high boots and a sweater, “Hi to you too sunshine.”

  She takes my latte and sits down, “Yeah yeah. Alright what’s going on?”

  I give her my death stare as she drinks my latte, “Nothing! I wanted to see you and catch up.” I want to tell her more about Adam but it feels weird to talk about him. I’m not sure if any of this means anything. He’s probably just being nice.

  “Bullshit.” She rolls her eyes at me. “I know something’s up with you so tell me.”

  I sigh. I knew she wouldn’t let this go and get me to talk. “Alright so you remember Adam right?”

  “Yeah, hot Adam Simpson,” My body tenses again when she says his name.

  “Yeah him, well, I can’t stop thinking about him Erin. I dream about him at night and freeze every time he’s near me. I can’t focus at all and ugh!” Why is this so hard? “And get this? He was walking behind me earlier and said hey to me! I almost died!”

  Erin slaps my arm and nearly falls out of her chair. “What the hell did you say back to him?”

  I look away from her, “Nothing,” I mumble.

  “Huh? Talk! Louder!” She enunciates her words.

  “Nothing,” I shriek and then put my hands over my face to hide my humiliation.

  Erin bursts out laughing. I yank my latte back. I can’t believe she’s laughing at me. I know I should have said something instead of standing there but she isn’t making me feel any better. “You said nothing, oh Soph.”

  I roll my eyes. “You’re not making me feel better.” I play with my latte cup and keep my eyes on the ground. “You laughing at me makes me feel so much better.”

  She takes my hand and looks at me. “Honey, I love you so much but you’re a riot. Why do I feel like something else is going on with you?” She looks at me with question in her eyes. I look away from her, “Oh no Sophia! Tell me what’s going on!”

  I roll my eyes. “I don’t know if I want to be with Kyle anymore. Things suck right now. All we do is fight and he’s an asshole.” I sigh and lean back in my chair. “I don’t know Erin. I mean we fight a lot and he gets mad when I don’t want to go out. I like to stay away from the party scene and he hasn’t grown up, he is still a partier. He’s different behind closed doors when we’re alone.”

  “Aww Soph, I’m sorry. Have you tried talking to him?”

  “No,” I look down at my hands. “He doesn’t like to talk about anything. He wants to take our relationship to the next level but I’m not ready! He’s been staying out late and coming back drunk. I hate how he treats me. He’s always mad about something. It’s always my fault!”

  Erin gets up and walks over to me. She sits down again and looks me in the eyes. “I want you to be happy Soph because you deserve nothing but the best. If you are feeling shitty with Kyle then leave him.” She rubs my hand and I put my head on her shoulder. Talking to Erin makes me a little better but I’m still lost. “Sophia I know I joke around a lot about you being a virgin but don’t sleep with him if you aren’t ready. If you want to break up then do it. I hate seeing you like this. You’re my best friend and I want what’s best for you. I’m always here for you.”

  “It’s not that easy Erin. I’ve tried breaking up with him but he keeps saying sorry.”

  Last week when I tried to break up with Kyle, he broke down and cried. He said how sorry he was for what happened. He said things would get better. I believed him. That night, he took me for ice cream and was affectionate. He paid attention and listened to me. I told him that I wanted things to work but that I wanted us to be better. He told me he understood and I believed him. We spent the night in my room laughing and reminiscing about how we met and started dating. Things were great. But the next night, he went out partying and came back drunk. He wanted to have sex but I said no so he asked me to do other things and I did. His hands got a little too curious. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t. His hands went in my panties and started to stroke me. His fingers went in me and I cried in silence. I didn’t want that. Afterwards, he fell asleep and left me lying there. The next morning he asked me if I was ok. I didn’t want to start an argument so I just smiled.

  She puts me out at arms lengths and looks at me. “So what if he says sorry! If he were sorry then he wouldn’t be an asshole. You got to do you, babe.”

  I look at my best friend and think what to do next.

  Chapter 2

  After my talk with Erin, I head over to the counseling center for my session with Dr. Taylor. She’s been my counselor since my first year and I’m healing because of her. She has been a great supporter and helps me through the darkness that I call life, which has been like a roller coaster with all the twists and turns and the change of speed. She’s been a great supporter and helps me through the darkness. She encourages me to write and to make small goals so it’s easier to achieve. She knows when to push me for answers and when to back off. At first, the idea of seeing her didn’t sit well with me but after our first session I knew seeing her on a weekly basis would help. It’s nice to have someone in your corner and who believes in you. She’s patient and understanding but can be pushy. I hate when she pushes me but in the long run I know it’ll help me be a better person.

  My phone starts vibrating in my pocket. When I look at who is calling, I see that it’s Kyle. I take a deep breath before answering my phone. “Hi Kyle!” I try to sound happy that we’re talking. I need him to believe that I’m happy to hear from him.

  “Hey babe. How’s your day going?”

  I stop in front of the counseling center and make sure no one’s around me. He can’t know I see Dr. Taylor. If he ever finds out, I shudder at the thought. I don’t want to know what he would do. “It’s good! I just got to the hospital to visit my dad. How is your day?”

  I hear him laughing on the other line. Why is he laughing? I’m frantically looking around to make sure he’s not around me and that his friends don’t see me. I pull my hoodie up over my head and keep my head down. “It’s been good babe. I just got done with class. My bio classes got cancelled so I’m going to hit the gym before dinner. Don’t be late. I can’t wait to see you.”

  “I know I miss you Kyle. I can’t wait to see you too! Oh my dad is done so I’ll see you in a few hours! I love you!”

  “Love you too babe.”

  I wait to see that the call has ended before putting it back in my pocket. I let out a heavy sigh. This is getting bad. I need to keep Kyle in the dark about everything. He can’t know that I see Dr. Taylor or I hang out with Erin. I’m glad he buys the fact I’m with my dad. He hates all of my friends especially Erin. He controls everything in my life. He’ll never let me go and it scares me to think what he’s capable of. It takes me a few minutes to gather my thoughts and to shake him off.

  I open the door and walk in. The counseling center is pretty quiet today. I see that her office door is open, I go right in. “

  Hi Dr. Taylor.”

  “Sophia, hello dear, have a seat.” Dr. Taylor looks up from her laptop and smiles. She is in her fifties and looks incredible with her long brown hair and green eyes. “How are you?”

  I sit down on the plushy sofa. “I don’t know where
to start.”

  She walks over to the chair in front of me and sits down. I see her place her notepad and pen on her knee as she studies me. I hate when she does this. I know she’s trying to see if I’m lying or holding something back. “What’s going on Sophia?”

  I throw my head back and let out a sigh. “I don’t know. I mean Kyle and I have been dating for a few months but he’s been acting so weird lately. He’ll tell me what I need to do and tries to control everything in my life. One day when I was studying, he came to my dorm and made me get ready so we could work out. I was exhausted! I tried telling him no but he got mad and freaked out on me.” I feel comfortable telling Dr. Taylor everything. There’s something familiar about her that draws me to her. In some ways, she reminds me of my mom. The look in her eyes when I talk makes me think about how my mom would look at me whenever I was sad. “I know he’s been stressed out with school and the team, but seriously? Then last week he freaked out on me because I couldn’t bring his sneakers to practice.”

  She writes in her notebook as I talk. Dr. Taylor leans back in her chair and looks at me. “How does this make you feel?”

  “Mad. I mean come on I was in class, you know. It is like he doesn’t get me or understand anything!” I watch as Dr. Taylor listens to me. I get up and pace the room. My arms are waving around and I can’t stop talking. “I try and do whatever I can to make him happy. The first few weeks we were fine, so happy! I thought I was falling in love with him, Doc. I mean he was a perfect gentleman and then he tells me he wants to take things further and I’m not ready!” I sit back down and breathe; it is all I can do.

  A small smile forms on her face. “Why are you trying so hard to make him happy? Why not make yourself happy? Sophia you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. Put yourself before others.”

  I’m not sure how to be truly happy. I want to get rid of all the drama in my life but I can’t let it go. “I don’t know how to make myself happy. Kyle used to be a good boyfriend. He would spoil me and treat me like a princess.” I put my head down and think about the beginning of Kyle and me.

  He treated me so well and used to love spending time with me. Friday nights would be our date nights. We’d go to different restaurants and try out new foods. He’d hold my hand and always wanted to know how my day was or what I was doing. The love notes he used to leave around my room and the random presents made me happy. I thought Kyle was perfect but then he changed and now I’m stuck.

  Dr. Taylor stops writing and looks at me. “Sophia those are material things. What does your heart tell you?”

  Without thinking I say, “My heart wants Adam.” He’s the one for me. He’s the only one who knows me and he’s the only one who understands. But I don’t have him anymore. My heart starts racing and I start sweating. I hate when this happens. I lean my head back on the sofa and do my breathing exercise. I slowly count to ten and breathe in through my nose and let it out through my mouth. I do this a few times. Dr. Taylor doesn’t bother me or encourage me. She sits there and watches me to make sure I don’t storm out. This is one of the reasons why I come to see her. She knows me. It helps when I feel anxious and upset. “Ok. I feel better.”

  “Good Sophia. I’m glad you were able to work through your anxiety. Tell me more about Adam.”

  “What’s there to say? He’s back with Connor from Boston. We pass each other and say hi. We smile at each other but I can’t talk to him. I’m so scared.”

  “If you want to know what will happen then you need to take that leap of faith. If you sit there and assume, you’ll never know.”

  I twirl my fingers. I don’t know what to say. I shrug my shoulders. “I get what you’re telling me but I don’t know how to be happy when it comes to Adam.”

  We sit there in silence for a few moments. Another part of the session I hate. Dr. Taylor breaks the uncomfortable silence and starts to talk. “Then you need to figure out what’s best for you Sophia not anyone else.” I listen to what she’s saying and realize I need to take action with my life but how can I do that? “We’ve been seeing each other for a few years now and you’ve achieved so much throughout our time together. I am so proud of you and what you’ve done but your relationship with Kyle is concerning me.” Dr. Taylor leans forward and takes my hand. “Sophia, you need to find your own way-you need to find a way to be happy. If Kyle isn’t making you happy and you’re scared then I think you know what to do.”

  “I know but I hate being alone.” Whenever I’m alone, the nightmares come. I dream about my mom’s death and how everything is my fault. All my dreams are about losing someone I love. It’s nerve wrecking and keeps me up all hours of the night. I’m on medication to help me sleep and it helps but there are still nights when I wake up sweating. Kyle usually spends the night with me in hopes that I will have sex with him. We fight about me not being ready and I want him to understand that emotionally I can’t handle it. Sometimes he understands and other times, well, he doesn’t. He makes me go down on him since I am not ready for sex. He takes my head and pushes it down on him. I hate how he feels in my mouth. It’s wrong but I don’t stop him. I need to keep him happy.

  Dr. Taylor raises her eyebrow. I see her mind turning as she tries to figure out what to say. “You’re not alone Sophia. You have your family and friends. You know you can call me anytime, day or night.”

  I shrug my shoulders and look away. “I know but I hate depending on people. These are my issues not anyone else’s.”

  Dr. Taylor smiles, “But your loved ones want to be here for you. They want to see you successful and strong. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

  “Yeah I guess.”

  “Don’t let anyone treat you badly Sophia or tell you otherwise. You need to be strong. I know you can do this.” Dr. Taylor’s positive words really help me but I still can’t shake off what eats away at me. The secrets I hide and bury deep inside. I can’t let them come out.

  I start to sigh and watch my thoughts fly away. She doesn’t ask me more about Kyle. No one can know the horrifying side of Kyle. I can’t seem to find the answer to anything and nothing seems to make sense. “I know.”

  “Talk to Kyle and figure that out first Sophia. Once you do that then try and talk to Adam and rebuild that friendship. You never know until you try.”

  I carefully take in what she says and wonder if I should just talk to him. We talk more about my relationship with Kyle. I don’t go into full details about his temper and how he uses me as his punching bag. He takes out his anger on me and I let him. At first, I would try and stop him or talk to him but that only made it worse. Now I let him hit me. It’s not too bad anymore. A few punches to my body and he’ll push me against the wall. Sure I know it’s not right but I don’t know what else to do.

  The last time he hit me flashed in my mind. He freaked out on me and called me a bitch because I didn’t want to go out. Kyle wanted to take me with him but I was tired from school. I had three essays due and I needed to study for two tests. I kept telling Kyle to go ahead without me but apparently, that answer wasn’t good enough for him. He went on and on about how I was being lame and a bitch. He accused me of doing things on purpose to hold him back. I sat there quietly while he ranted. I couldn’t defend myself and I felt little around him… I felt small. It was not fair that he treated me this way when I didn’t do anything wrong and even if I did, he has no right to do what he does. When I ignored him, he came at me with his fist. I touched my cheek and remembered how sore it was after he was finished. He looked at me and told me to stop acting like a child and to grow up. There were a few more times when that happened, but Kyle got smarter and hit me where no one would see the bruises. I wanted to leave - to do anything to get out but he always apologized after and I believed him. I wanted to tell someone but he told me if I said anything, he would kill me and I believed him. In my heart, I knew Kyle had it in him to cause more harm, which scared me to no end.

  I simply sit t
here with a distant expression on my face. “Breathe Sophia. Just like that. Close your eyes and put yourself in a place where you’re happy.”

  I listen to her soothing voice. I take myself out of college and away from Kyle. I’m sitting on a bench with Adam as we watch the sunset. He’s arm his around me and my head is on his shoulder. He kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me. I open my eyes and let out another breathe. “I’m ok,” I say this over and over again. I need to tell myself I’ll be ok, that everything is ok. My body finally calms and I feel better. I feel safe in her office. There’s no judgment. It’s just her and I. She listens, I talk. Sometimes I listen and take her advice.

  “Good Sophia. Just remember to try and keep an open and positive mind. Whenever you are feeling anxious or upset, I want you to write. Don’t stop writing until you feel better. Take a step back and breathe. Baby steps Sophia. Remember to find your own happiness Sophia.”

  We finish up our session and I give her a hug before leaving. I don’t have any more classes today but Kyle wants to meet at a restaurant in town. It’s a little after five o’clock and I decide to go to the restaurant from Dr. Taylor’s office. While walking, I think about the night I became his girlfriend. He took me out to Venzo’s, a cute little Italian restaurant. I wasn’t sure how I felt about becoming his girlfriend but he made me feel special, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. We had just finished dinner and he took my hand, looked in my eyes and said I was the only girl that made him smile and he was able to be himself with me.