THE HAPPY HAT

by Peter Glassman

  “Yeah…” Meaghan added. “…I got my Polaroid camera to get picture proof.”

  ‡

  Dr. Paul Norman was again JMOOD. It was a Saturday night and he was working the ER after an unexciting evening mess hall dinner. Norman went to the movie at 1900 and was surprised Boomer was not there. The physical therapy department had concocted a foam rubber wedge to prop him up to see the movie and a fold-up foot plate to prevent his plaster body from sliding off the gurney. Boomer had become a regular at the hospital cinema. Norman gave it no more consideration. Boomer was probably at the Gedunk. The JMOOD’s duties didn’t include going there.

  Norman’s next task was to tour the mess kitchens and certify them clean and sanitary. The last JMOOD ritual was to do a quick inspection of the minimal care unit off the main brick hospital building. These barrack-like single story wards were lettered from “I to Z”. They contained patients in varying phases of long-term healing and were mostly orthopedic patients, plastic surgery patients and no-longer “infectious” dirty surgery soldiers waiting for medical boards or return-to-duty status judgments. Norman varied his routine when JMOOD by either beginning at I ward and ending at the Z ward just beyond the helicopter pad or doing the reverse. The last lettered wards were under strict isolation as they were the tuberculosis center for the military for the entire Atlantic Coast. Tonight he chose to begin at Ward I.

  His entourage during these inspections included the Chief Petty Officer of the Day, a marine patient MP and an administrative duty hospital corpsman. The routine was the same for all ramp wards. The MP would precede the Duty Crew into the ward and call the occupants to attention–unless it was the obstetrics or a dependent ward like pediatrics or dependent medicine or surgery. The CPOOD would check with the ward corpsman for census accountability.

  “All present and accounted for. No medical problems to report sir.” The J-Ward Corpsman showed Norman the flow chart for vital signs and verified his statement.

  Norman usually wanted to hurry and get back to the ER so no waiting ER patient would generate a complaint which could get back to the CO. Captain Malcolm Zachary Fortiscue hated complaints. Complaints that reached congressional levels could end up on the CO’s personnel file and set him up for early retirement which he didn’t want to happen. Fortiscue derived an ultimate threat to use as a complaint deterrent from the former CO Captain Foaming, “Any incident which reaches Washington gets the person responsible orders to Vietnam or the Aleutian Islands.”

  Norman’s Duty Crew reached M-3 Ward which had dark windows and no sign of life or activity. The duty corpsman turned to the CPOOD, “Chief the ward might be closed for cleaning. It’s Saturday and with these guys getting bored out of their minds they might be out on pass or visiting other wards. We might as well bypass the M-3 ward.”

  Norman had never heard of such a thing. “This hospital runs at full capacity. I want to see why this ward is locked and without lights.” As he approached the double door entrance he noticed a line of light at the bottom where the two doors met the floor. He could also hear noise from within. “Chief, get this door opened.”

  The MP took out his universal key which opened all ramp wards. As he pushed the doors open a large Navy blanket came back to hit him in the face and body. The noise inside now resounded like a full-fledged party. There were cheers, jeers, laughter and hoots. The MP pulled down the Navy blanket and the Chief called the ward to attention.

  “Attention on deck. Duty Crew here for report and inspection.” The CPOOD shouted as loud as he could.

  There was no response. No one could hear him. The corpsman was absent from the Nurses Station. The military ramp wards did not have a full time Navy nurse. Only the dependent ramp wards for obstetrics, medicine, surgery and pediatrics warranted complete nursing supervision.

  Norman took in the scene. There must have been over seventy patients in either pajamas or fatigue uniform surrounding a centrally positioned hospital bed. All thirty of the other beds were made but empty. An occasional flash bulb would be fired from a camera amidst thunderous applause and cheers. Norman thought he saw a full head of dark brown hair bob into view in a rhythmic way. He nodded to the MP, “I’m going into that crowd and you’re clearing the way. Don’t hit anyone with your baton. If we create patients the CO will have us shot or worse.”

  The MP, who was a former orthopedic patient and in back-to-duty shape, blew his whistle.

  Again, there was no response. The Duty Crew advanced with the MP bumping patients aside forming a wedge for the rest to follow. As the patients identified the MP along with the rest of the watch Duty Crew they ran from the ward like rats deserting a sinking ship. Finally only about two-dozen patients were left. The scene would never leave the Duty Crew’s memory banks.

  The central bed was occupied by plaster clad SGT William Boomer Stiles. Astride the cut-out over his crotch was a nubile brunette with her eyes closed moaning and bouncing up-and-down on Boomer’s dallywanger. Four patients were holding money and all were still shouting encouragement or the reverse.

  “She has to come-off Boomer and you have to shoot your load,” came from one money holder.

  “The time limit is fifteen-minutes Boomer. If you can’t complete the act in seven more minutes then those of us who say you can’t fuck in a plaster total body cast wins,” Another bet taker shouted.

  Suddenly the girl shrieked with a look of ecstasy and Boomer let out a couple of loud “Oofs”. The girl dismounted and collapsed onto an adjacent bed.

  The M-Ward Corpsman went over to Boomer. “Boomer shot his load all right.” He went to the girl and verified Boomer’s prostatic secretions and ejaculate were also present on her.

  Money exchanged hands as quiet conversation ensued. The CPOOD again shouted, “Attention on deck for the watch Duty Crew.”

  This time everyone took notice. A few scrambled to leave but the MP stood with his baton at the ready at the ward entrance. “No one leaves.”

  The Watch Duty Corpsman started taking down names as Norman went over to Boomer.

  “Boomer what is all this? You know I have to put everyone here on report and send this girl to the civilian police for pandering. The CO is going to want heads to roll.”

  Boomer had a glow on his facial portal Norman had never seen before. “Dr. Norman it was a bet. You know I’ve been having erections with the guys on G-1 showing me Playboy magazines and stuff. Well, a few got to saying how’s I’ll never be able to have sex again. It was getting’ me down and a few of the guys thought of this. To help me out, you know find out if I can still fuck. I mean what’s the use of livin’ if you can’t fuck.”

  The ward corpsman came to his side. “Dr. Norman this was not only for Boomer. This was a morale booster. Seeing Boomer and a girl have sex was an inspiration to them all.”

  “Bullshit!” The CPOOD stared at Boomer and the corpsman. “This was outright gambling, prostitution and Boomer you’re AWOL from G-1.”

  The marine MP locked the M-Ward door. “Strictly speaking this could end in two ways Dr. Norman. First, I report this to security. The security officer will then report it to the Exec and the CO. The civilian authorities will report it to the politicians and there will be a press leak. Captain Fortiscue will probably get an accelerated retirement date and the entire Duty Crew will be assigned to the most undesirable duty stations like Adak Alaska, Greenland, the South Pole, a cable layer off Iceland or be sent to Vietnam in its last days of isolated combat.”

  Norman swallowed hard. “What’s the second scenario?”

  “We say and do nothing, sir. Let it play out as a positive morale booster with a lesson learned and the incident never to be repeated.” The MP tapped his baton against his white-gloved left hand.

  Chapter 25

  Discovery

  Sebastian Remo was on the OR schedule to have his colostomy closed. Crosley Bizetes walked onto F-1 and went straight to Remo’s bed. The ward staff didn’t even look up at him. His was a familiar visit
ing presence.

  “I have something for you Remo.” Bizetes handed him a file card.

  “Holy Mother. It’s more than a quarter mil!” Remo sat up and his colostomy bag gurgled happiness.

  “I told you we banked all your assets during your four Vietnam tours and added what you made here at Queens Naval Hospital.”

  Remo put the card in his pajama pocket. “I have something for you but you’re not going to like it.”

  Bizetes listened to the accounts of the G-3 Corpsman’s early suspicious behavior at being the first to receive and triage the air-evac list for Dr. Norman.

  “So Perkins moved right in to be first to get the orthopedic arrivals from Vietnam. What’s so weird about that?”

  Remo pressed the control for his electronic bed to get to almost a 90-degree position. “The reason he did this is to make some changes on the Vietnam returnee designations.”

  “What? I think I know what’s coming next.” Bizetes moved his visitors chair closer to the bed.

  “He changes a Vietnam cast application to a non-Vietnam cast application. Then he steals the cast when it’s changed. I caught Perkins putting a cast into his laundry bag. He takes it out of the hospital. It never gets into the G-1 pool of Vietnam applied casts with our heroin shit in it.”

  “Where does it go from Queens Naval?” Bizetes frowned.

  “I don’t know. What happens from Perkins locker to the outside is for you to find out. I got a sample of what was in his locker. It’s a needle that I stuck into a piece of plaster cast in his laundry bag. Check it out for heroin.” Remo described his “taste-test” and looked around for prying ears. “I notice somethin’ else. I mean I heard Perkins talk about it. Perkins bought a new car–an AMC top-of-the line AMX.”

  “So Perkins is skimming heroin casts and now has more money than his Navy paycheck and our additional paycheck can account for.” Bizetes put his right hand to his chin and was silent for a few seconds. “I’ll check on him. You’re right this is not good news. I’ll have to catch him with the goods or get him red-handed processin’ the heroin casts. We’ll check out his apartment for signs of those casts. He has to have a dealer connection too.”

  ‡

  Norman felt uneasy about brushing Boomer’s sexual achievement under the carpet. Of course everyone in the entire 2100 bed Naval Hospital heard about it but no one said anything. The constant frown on Captain Fortiscue’s face and his lack of action or even speaking about it lasted a week and was indicative the M-3 Ward incident had been relegated to legend status and would not surface publicly.

  Boomer had become a hero. Every female on staff stopped feeling pity for the “man-in-white” on G-1. He became more visible. Everyone greeted him with a smile and held up a hand with a “V” finger spread. Everyone, that is, except LCDR Philomena Skagan.

  “It’s time to get Boomer’s cast off. Have you scheduled it with the OR?” She stared at Dr. Norman after his morning rounds.

  “I have and we’ll get a solid date right after we get repeat total body X-rays.” Kaplan responded before Norman could.

  She looked at Kaplan. “Okay Ike. We’ll need the laminar flow OR room to trap all the dust from sawing up Boomer’s cast.” Skagan ignored Norman and walked off G-1 after a quick sideways glance at Kaplan. There was no smile or sign of recognition but there was a twinkle in her eye that only Kaplan saw.

  Norman smiled at Kaplan, “Ike? Fagan called you Ike. She still calls me Lieutenant and I’ve known her for over a year.”

  “We get along. Look Doc, Boomer’s admission X-rays showed a possible unstable cervical spine in-line fracture. If it looks healed do we still have to use anesthesia to get his cast off?”

  “The safest way is the best way Ike. If for some reason he has a non-union in the neck one false move could turn him into a quadriplegic. He’d be paralyzed for life. Take one of our G-1 corpsman with you to X-ray to help their techs take the new set of Boomer’s films and call me when they’re done. I want to look at the new X-rays with the radiologist.”

  “Will do doc.” Kaplan’s outward appearance and demeanor was likable and competent. He was tall, confidant and muscular. He was the ideal orthopedic corpsman. He also never said anything about Boomer and the hooker incident other than “boys will be boys” when the subject came up the next day during rounds. Everyone in the command feared Captain Fortiscue’s wrath at violating containment of the episode.

  ‡

  Norman’s page light seemed to flash urgently. 580. 580. 580.

  It was Kaplan down in X-ray. “Boomer’s films are ready and I have the radiologist available to compare the admission X-rays with the new ones.”

  “I’ll be right there.”

  Both the senior radiology resident and the staff radiologist were present and all the head, neck, shoulder, chest and spine films were on the viewbox when Norman walked in.

  Commander Eakins was chief of radiology. He motioned the resident to begin.

  “Well guys, I don’t see anything today to suggest instability of the previous neck fracture. Likewise his other non-displaced stress fractures looked healed. Even his clavicle fracture has good new bone in alignment.”

  The same was true of his arm and leg bones as well as the possible pelvic stress fracture. Boomer did indeed have the power of healing going for him. Dr. Caruso arrived as they were finishing and got a quick recap of the new X-ray findings.

  “I’m no expert on concussion stress fractures but these new films are so different from the admission pictures.” Caruso had his face close to the neck and spine films.

  Kaplan spoke up, “Sir does this mean Boomer might not need another total body plaster application? And what about anesthesia sir? Does Boomer still need general anesthesia for us to get the body cast off?”

  Caruso as senior staff orthopedic surgeon on G-1 looked at the resident and then addressed Norman. “Let’s have Dr. Norman’s thoughts.”

  Norman was always taught to err on the side of safety. “The most dangerous situation is the status of his neck and spine. We can’t have any movement at all when we remove the old plaster. The other thing is that Boomer has been in this mummy immobilization for almost two months. We have to begin to bend his arms and legs to avoid permanent contractures. That’s something we need anesthesia for. Getting any range of motion now without anesthesia would elicit excruciating pain.”

  All agreed on the anesthesia plan.

  “It looks like Boomer won’t need a total body cast. We can use a hard removable cervical collar for his neck and I don’t see the need for any arm or leg casts.” Caruso looked again at the appropriate X-rays. “The two crucial areas to play it safe are the pelvis and spine so let’s plan on a torso cast only plus the neck collar.”

  Norman scheduled the cast removal and joint manipulation under anesthesia for the following Wednesday. Back on G-1 Norman turned to Kaplan. “Boomer still needs the usual pre-anesthesia lab work. I’ve written orders for the urine and blood work. Don’t forget to call your friend LCDR Skagan and give her the OR date and time.”

  Kaplan smiled, “We aren’t exactly friends–yet.”

  Boomer was excited, “You mean I actually may not need this total body nightmare Dr. Norman?”

  “Right now it looks like it’s our plan. You’ll be in some pain afterward. We have to bend your joints which haven’t been moved for over two months. Physical therapy won’t be fun either. You have to have daily PT to get your flexibility back and it has to be gradual–including learning to walk again.” Norman didn’t think Boomer was absorbing all this. He was too elated and fixated on getting out of his plaster clamshell.

  ‡

  Boomer wasn’t the only cast removal under anesthesia for Wednesday. There was one other patient from G-5 who had a shattered femur with erector-set like hardware outside of a cast the entire length of his left leg. Manipulation and re-application of his cast demanded anesthesia obtundation.

  G-1 was last on the OR schedule for the
cast removal. Captain Darmin treated casts like the bacteria infested invaders which they were. Norman looked for Boomer’s chart to review the pre-op lab work and couldn’t find it. He checked with the anesthesia resident who had given it to the Chief of Anesthesia, Dr. Horton.

  “What’s up with Boomer’s chart? You haven’t even started his IV yet. Why are we waiting?” Norman looked at the hall clock. “We’re already fifteen-minutes late for our start time.”

  LCDR Skagan was pacing in her green OR scrub gown and Captain Cynthia Darmin was with Dr. Horton. She seemed red-faced and was pointing at Norman and back to the chart. Norman moved to where the two were conversing.

  “They automatically repeat any abnormal pre-OR lab work Cynthia. These numbers are the real deal.” Horton looked at Norman and motioned him over.

  Norman heard Darmin’s voice raise an octave, “A 4+ positive VDRL! My God! I will not have untreated syphilis in my OR. How did this happen? It’s bad enough we have drug resistant staphylococcus and pseudomonas coming back from Vietnam. My God! A Vietnam strain of syphilis in my OR! What are you going to do about it?”

  Horton waved a palm at Norman. “Dr. Norman is his medical officer.” Horton showed Norman Boomer’s labs. “Your patient has untreated treponema pallidum–syphilis. We can’t change his casts until he’s received a full course of treatment. How is it that Boomer had a negative VDRL on arrival and now it’s positive?”

  Norman swallowed hard. He knew it had to be from the hired hooker the night he was JMOOD and Boomer’s sexually witnessed romp was the infective event. “I can’t imagine Dr. Horton. We’ll cancel his cast change and reschedule for two weeks.”

  “Get him out of my OR now!” Captain Cynthia Horton was livid.

  Skagan stood with her fists balled up at her hips looking at Kaplan. “Positive VDRL? Kaplan you were supposed to be with Boomer around the clock.” Philomena Skagan wasn’t in good spirits. Her new found feelings for Kaplan, however, did mellow her reaction.

  Kaplan looked at Norman, “He was allowed off the ward with two ambulatory patients at any given time. It’s as much a mystery to me too.”