Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated)

by F. Scott Fitzgerald

  (He appears tottering in the doorway.)

  HUBERT: Good evening. Why there’s nobody home. (Enter behind hiyn Chinyman Rudd and Rabbit Simmons. ) Come in, gentlemen. Make yourself at home and sit down. (Falls against Ruddy pushing him into chair. Then pushes Rabbit into chair. Tries to sit down.) Pardon me, but could you give me a slight assistance?

  (Rabbit pushes him into chair.) Much obliged. My legs are a little stiff from walking.

  RUDD: Say, is this where you hang out?

  HUBERT: This is my domicile abode.

  RABBIT: Your paternal hemorrhage?

  RUDD: Heritage. You ain’t got no edication.

  RABBIT: Say, we’ve forgotten your name.

  HUBERT: My name’s Hubert Connage. Dad is Mr. Connage.

  Mother is Mrs. Connage. And my sister is Dorothy Connage. All the family, you see, have the same name. It’s surprising to me, to say the least. I’ve often wondered what a remarkable coincidence it was that we all had the same name. There’s Dad, one — he’s really two but we’ll count him one — and me, two. No, I’m one too. One, two, three, four.

  RABBIT: Who the deuce are we for?

  RUDD: Forty-seventh Street gang.

  BOTH: Rah! Rah! Rah! (Both whistle.)

  HUBERT: Hurray for you.

  RUDD: Say, honest it’s awful nice of you to pick us up on the streets and bring us back with you to spend the night, but what will your governor say?

  HUBERT: Probably say “how-de-do.”

  RABBIT: I don’t care if he only says it. What’s worrying me is, — Has he got a dog?

  HUBERT: No, there’s no dog. There’s a cat, tho’. Cutest little devil.

  RABBIT: Divine, ain’t it, Ching?

  RUDD: Unsophisticating.

  RABBIT: Oh chickering.

  RUDD: Say, this reminds me of Charley’s opium joint. All them there pictures and things.

  RABBIT: (Sees statue of Venus de Milo.) Your mother swimmin’?

  HUBERT: Mother? No. That’s a good one. That’s Venus de Milo.

  RUDD: Pity you broke it. How did it bust?

  RABBIT: Some one kicked it on the impulse of the moment.

  HUBERT: I’m going to introduce you to Dad and tell him you’re my friends and are going to spend the night with me.

  RABBIT: The likes of us ain’t for here. We both look like we been shot at an’ missed. We don’t move in the same circles.

  HUBERT: I don’t know about circles but I have lately been moving in all sorts of curves.

  RUDD: We’re — we’re — A couple of crooks.

  HUBERT: That’s a good job. Are you married?

  RABBIT: No, I got these scratches from a cat.

  HUBERT: What are your names?

  RUDD: On the island he’s 96 and I’m 108.

  RABBIT: In social life he’s Chinyman Rudd and I’m Rabbit Simmons.

  HUBERT: Rabbit, I had a rabbit once. Pretty little things, aren’t they? This rabbit was an awful crook. He stole more lettuce. So you’re burglars. What do you steal, bases?

  RABBIT: We’ve been working for a fellow called the Shadow. He’s a kind of a gentleman burglar. He goes around in a dress suit and robs houses. We spy around for him, see when the family is going to be at home, find out about valuables and he pays us five hundred dollars a week apiece.

  HUBERT: Who the dickens is the Shadow?

  RUDD: His real name’s Thorton Hart. Nobody knows nothing about him. He acts just like a gentleman. He came about two weeks ago and he’s about as nervy as they make ‘em. They can’t catch him. He slips through the cops every time.

  HUBERT: A shadow, hey? Well I’ll bet the old Shadow won’t have time for reflection if some good detectives get after him. Ever read Sherlock Holmes, Mr. Bunny?

  RABBIT: Rabbit. No. Ever read Nick Carter?

  HUBERT: Never. Say, I don’t want to see the poor old Shadow shackled. I hope the police don’t get him.

  RUDD: He’s got on a job tonight. He says it’s a big one but he won’t tell us about it.

  HUBERT: Success to him. Come, we’ll drink to him. (He fills up three glasses.) To the Shadow! May he never have the great misfortune to be a captured Shadow.

  ALL: TO the Shadow! (All drink.)

  HUBERT: Well, now I’ll procure you fellows some clothes. Why the way you’re dressed is a disgrace. I thought all crooks were rich. I’ll find you some good clothes. You make yourself at home and help yourself. (Exit.)

  RABBIT: Well here’s our chance. Pile in a bagful of that silverware and beat it quick.

  RUDD: AW say, nix.

  RABBIT: Why not?

  RUDD: When the guy meets us on the street, then brings us home and tells us he’s going to have us here to spend the night, we oughtn’t to rush off with his silver. H’ain’t you got no manners?

  RABBIT: Just look. What couldn’t we do with this and this. Hold me back, please.

  RUDD: I got enough to do holding myself.

  BOTH: Ohh. (Sighing.)

  (Enter Hubert with clothes.)

  HUBERT: Now here’s some clothes. You go in there and put ‘em on. Try to look respectable and I’ll introduce you to Dad.

  RUDD: What does your dad weigh?

  RABBIT: HOW’S his punch?

  HUBERT: Don’t know, but his whiskey’s darn good.

  RUDD: Say, are these ours for keeps?

  HUBERT: Sure.

  RABBIT: Well I’ll leave my things here in exchange. They ain’t much to look at but they’re valuable as relics. It would grieve me if they were thrown away.

  HUBERT: Don’t worry. I’ll put ‘em in a glass case.

  RABBIT: Say, this is awful good of you even if you are tight.

  HUBERT: Oh that’s all right, Mr. Hare.

  RABBIT: Rabbit, Rabbit.

  HUBERT: Rabies!

  RABBIT: Rabbit.

  HUBERT: Where?

  RABBIT: Naw, Rabbit is my name.

  HUBERT: Oh! I couldn’t imagine what you were talking about. Ha-Ha — (Laughs.)

  RABBIT: Where do we change?

  HUBERT: In there. Oh. (Something occurs to him.) (Laughs.) I’ve got the greatest scheme. Aldermen.

  RUDD: Where?

  HUBERT: YOU! (Still convulsed with laughter.)

  RABBIT: He’s dippy.

  RUDD: Poor guy.

  HUBERT: NOW don’t you see? I’ll introduce you as aldermen from the Seventh Ward.

  RUDD: (Doubtfully.) Hm!

  RABBIT: Crooked politics.

  RUDD: Say, do we look like aldermen?

  HUBERT: Exactly, and it’ll be a capital joke on Dad.

  RABBIT: NO alderman has got anything on me. Clarence, pass the sherry.

  RUDD: The skenatcho sauce, please.

  HUBERT: NOW remember, you’re aldermen from the S-s-t Ward.

  RABBIT: The what?

  HUBERT: The Whist Ward.

  RUDD: Try and whistle it.

  RABBIT: S-t.

  HUBERT: Thixth. There it is. Thixth Ward.

  RUDD: Not the Sixth. There’s an awful lot of roughnecks in the Sixth Ward.

  RABBIT: Mercy me. How perfectly fumigating.

  HUBERT: NOW you fellows come along and jump into these duds and then you can reform Tammany Hall.

  (Exit Hubert and Rudd.)

  (Rabbit sneaks over and fills a glass full of whiskey.)

  (A head is -poked cautiously in the back door. The Shadow is seen. He sees Rabbit and starts. He sneaks up to the table, seizes a book and throws it at Rabbit’s feet. Rabbit jumps.)

  RABBIT: The Shadow.

  SHADOW: Well?

  RABBIT: What are you doing here?

  SHADOW: That’s just what I was going to ask you.

  RABBIT: I am here with a special invitation.

  SHADOW: I am here with no invitation at all. In fact I intend to rob this house.

  RABBIT: SO this is the job you wouldn’t tell us about.

  SHADOW: Exactly. Now what are you doing here?

  RABBIT: I am thinking of going
into politics.

  SHADOW: Rabbit!

  RABBIT: I’ve got a job as an alderman. Sixth Ward.

  SHADOW: Alderman?

  RABBIT: That’s straight goods. I’ve always been fond of politics and now, why I’ve got some prominent capitalists backing me and —

  (Shrugs his shoulders.) The father of my chief backer owns this house and I’m spending the night with him.

  SHADOW: IS he crazy?

  RABBIT: NO.

  SHADOW: Drunk?

  RABBIT: HOW the deuce did you know?

  SHADOW: Why (laughs) I thought he might be.

  RABBIT: You’re tryin’ to kid me now. I’d really make a good alderman, tho’. I never was cut out for a crook. I was born for something better. Sometimes I get thinking that I ought to been a minister. Gosh! You ought to see me kiss a baby.

  SHADOW: Don’t take advantage of a child, Rabbit. The poor things can’t defend themselves.

  RABBIT: Hm?

  SHADOW: I have no doubt you’re a pious youth and will make a simply great alderman and a model politician.

  RABBIT: Well, how about you? You’re not so bad as you try to pretend to be. I don’t think you’re no crook at all. Why do you pack “p all the stuff you steal and send it back to the people you steal it from with “the compliments of the Shadow” on a little card? I seen you sendin’ back the stuff you steal. You act as if you were doing it for fun.

  SHADOW: Maybe I am, Rabbit, maybe I am.

  RABBIT: If you’re trying the crook business simply to find out what it’s like or to get fun out of it, why, you’d better cut it out. It doesn’t pay.

  SHADOW: Enough of this. I intend to do a little work tonight and see what I can pick up around the place. I must get familiar with the house and introduce myself to the inhabitants. Let me see. “House owned by Mr. Connage, married. Two children, Hubert and Dorothy, twenty-two and eighteen respectively, and Miss Saunders, housekeeper.” Hubert must have been the one you say you are acquainted with.

  RABBIT: Yes, we are on quite intimate terms.

  SHADOW: I’ll look him up. In the meanwhile, of course, you’ll say nothing to any one about my being in the house.

  RABBIT: Mum as a mouse.

  SHADOW: And now for inspection. (Exit the Shadow.)

  (Enter Rudd in a light check suit smoking black cigar.)

  RABBIT: Well look at the duds.

  RUDD: A little tasty class. They belong to the butler. Mr. Connage didn’t have any sporty enough for me.

  (Voice outside.)

  MRS. CONNAGE: Beverly, oh Beverly.

  RABBIT: Beat it quick.

  RUDD: Stand your ground. It’s the lady of the house.

  RABBIT: Oh. Oh. (Shivering.)

  MRS. C.: (Coming in.) Ah, callers. (To the crooks.) Good evening, gentlemen.

  RUDD: Evenin’.

  RABBIT: Howdy.

  MRS. C.: Have you called to see Mr. Connage?

  RUDD: Well not exactly.

  MRS. C.: Or Miss Connage?

  RUDD: Not minutely.

  MRS. C.: Have you called to see me?

  RABBIT: Not precisely.

  RUDD: The truth is we’re aldermen from the Sixth Ward.

  RABBIT: Personal friends of your son.

  RUDD: What do they call you?

  MRS. C.: I am Mrs. Connage. Well I’m afraid my son isn’t home yet.

  RABBIT: Oh we just left him.

  MRS. C.: IS he in the house?

  RUDD: (Aside to Rabbit.) Lie to her. If she finds him drunk we’ll get kicked out.

  MRS. C.: Where is he?

  RABBIT: Why he’s pie-eyed.

  (Rudd cautions him.)

  RUDD: Sh-Sh.

  MRS. C.: My son been having trouble with his eyes?

  RUDD: He was half shot.

  MRS. C.: (Screams.) Shot in the eye? Who shot him?

  RABBIT: Well, when a guy gets half shot he usually does it himself.

  RUDD: That’s so.

  MRS. C.: He shot himself?

  RUDD: He did.

  RABBIT: J

  RABBIT: (Aside.) A pretty mess.

  MRS. C.: My heavens. This is terrible. Where is he?

  RUDD: Why he’s here — I mean he’s — a —

  RABBIT: Down town in a room of my boarding house.

  (Mrs. Connage faints in the arms of Rabbit.)

  RABBIT: Get some water quick.

  RUDD: There ain’t none. Will whiskey do?

  RABBIT: Anything.

  (They give her whiskey. She revives.)

  MRS. C.: I must go to him at once. Wait for me. I’ll get my wraps.

  (Exit Mrs. Connage.)

  RUDD: Well you did it.

  RABBIT: You mean you did it.

  RUDD: Whoever did it, between us, we’re in a pretty hole.

  RABBIT: Well let’s clear out o’ here fore she comes down.

  (They look out entrances.)

  RUDD: Coast’s clear.

  (They tiptoe out.)

  (Enter Mr. Connage followed by Miss Saunders.)

  MISS S.: But Mr. Connage.

  MR. C.: No buts. My daughter informs me that you have been extracting bits of information from the servants and this alone would make me discharge you. But the idea of your throwing all my cigars out the window because you thought they were cartridges, that is too much!

  MISS S.: But I did think they were cartridges. They smelt like it.

  MR. C.: No matter. I asked you to leave in the morning and leave you shall. I am a man of my word.

  MISS S.: But this is a serious step. Think. I have been with you so long and served you so well.

  MR. C.: If you are here by tomorrow I will have you forcibly removed.

  MISS S.: Such is my lot to be derided and misunderstood. Such is my fate.

  MR. C.: Oh you still here?

  MISS S.: Dear Mr. Connage —

  MR. C.: Ohh!

  (Violent ringings of the doorbell, shouts, hammering at door.)

  EMMA K.: (Coming in at back.) Oh Mr. Connage, there are a lot of policemen at the gate all yelling that there’s a thief in the house. They’re breaking in.

  MR. C.: A thief in my house?

  MISS S.: Where, where?

  EMMA K.: Oh what shall we do?

  MISS S.: They’ve broken in.

  EMMA K.: Here they come.

  MR. C.: This is an outrage.

  (Tramping in the hall. Enter a policeman.)

  MCGINNESS: Stop. I’ll enter. Sir, there’s a burglar in the house. We saw him enter.

  MR. C.: Impossible!

  MCGINNESS: Nevertheless, it’s so.

  EMMA K.: There is no burglar.

  MISS S.: There may be.

  MCGINNESS: If you are concealing him — Leon!

  (Enter Leon Dureal.)

  LEON: Oui, oui, monsieur.

  MCGINNESS: Guard the stairs! Marshal the inmates. Search the house. We have reason to believe that the thief is none other than the famous Shadow himself.

  MISS S.: The Shadow?

  MR. C.: In my house?

  MISS S.: Terrible!

  EMMAK.: Awful!

  VOICES OUTSIDE: Catch the thief. After him. Catch the Shadow. Nab the crook.