Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated)

by F. Scott Fitzgerald

  (Enter the girls.)

  DOROTHY: What is the matter?

  MR. C.: These men say there’s a burglar in the house.

  LEON: Up ze stairs, men. I will lead and for ze honor of ze gen d’armes of France. Forward brave comrades.

  MCGINNESS: Up the stairs.

  MR. C.: One hundred dollars to the one that catches him.

  MISS S.: One hundred dollars!

  ALL: The Shadow! After him! Down with the thief! Capture the burglar! A cool hundred! Nab the reward! (Etc.)

  (All talking at once, they rush out of the room. Enter the Shadow around the door at left.)

  SHADOW: Well here’s a pretty fix, to say the least. Policemen all around the house. Policemen in it and all looking for me. They probably saw me coming in. How to get out is what’s worrying me.

  (Enter Hubert from right.)

  HUBERT: What’s all this row about? Why, what do you want here?

  SHADOW: Are you Mr. Hubert Connage?

  HUBERT: Yes, Mr. — Mr. — ?

  SHADOW: Johnston. I called to see about the furnace.

  HUBERT: Why our furnace is all right. You’ve got the wrong house. (Edges him toward door.)

  SHADOW: The truth is, I called to see your father. Is he in?

  HUBERT: He is.

  SHADOW: But you will do just as well. Let me see. What day of the month is this?

  HUBERT: The twenty-second, I think. I never keep track after twelve o’clock.

  SHADOW: Well, to proceed to business. This is the twelfth.

  HUBERT: NO, I said I never keep track after twenty-two — I mean twelve o’clock.

  SHADOW: Well twenty-two years ago next April — May —

  HUBERT: Hm!

  SHADOW: Why, what’s the matter?

  HUBERT: YOU been drinking too?

  SHADOW: NO, certainly not. That’s the new fashioned way. Instead of saying “April and May,” you say “April-May.” Like, for instance, “April, maybe June, but always March.”

  HUBERT: Yes. What?

  SHADOW: YOU understand, I hope.

  HUBERT: Clear as mud.

  SHADOW: Listen. As I said, twenty years ago —

  HUBERT: YOU said ten.

  SHADOW: Did I? Split the difference and call it fifteen. Add six makes twenty-one; add seven and divide by two — I have fourteen, what have you?

  HUBERT: GO on. I want to see how much a fellow sees and hears when he’s drunk or how much he thinks he hears. Do you think you can persuade me I’m talking to you? You can’t. I’m in bed sleeping as comfortable — (Turns but jails out of chair.) Why in the dickens didn’t you try and persuade me I wasn’t?

  SHADOW: Because of Irving Berlin. Do you realize that he made thirty thousand on “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”?

  HUBERT: Look here — this is gone far enough. I’ve made aldermen and been to sleep tonight but I’m awake now and I never listened to such a lot of nonsense as you’ve been talking. What in the devil are you doing in the house anyways?

  VOICE OUTSIDE: After him. Catch the Shadow! Shackle the thief!

  HUBERT: The Shadow, why here? What are you doing here? The Shadow. The Shadow. Are you the Shadow? Well, I’ll be —

  SHADOW: Surprised.

  HUBERT: I guess they’ve got you now, Mr. Shadow, or whatever they call you. When I yell, as I’m going to, it’s Sing Sing for you.

  SHADOW: But you won’t yell.

  HUBERT: I won’t?

  SHADOW: YOU won’t.

  HUBERT: And why not?

  SHADOW: Because I say so.

  HUBERT: We’ll see. Fa — !

  SHADOW: Stop. Hand up!

  HUBERT: (Puts hand up.)

  SHADOW: Hand down. I have no gun.

  HUBERT: I’m a fool. Fath — !

  SHADOW: One more word and your fiancée, Miss — Miss — (looks at paper) Miss Helen Mayburn, will know where you were those three days last week. And it wasn’t Atlantic City.

  HUBERT: Good heavens! What do you want?

  SHADOW: I intend robbing this house if there is anything here that interests me.

  HUBERT: What do you want of me?

  SHADOW: Your absolute silence concerning me, nothing else.

  HUBERT: Well you shall have it since you know so much. And how did you know I was in prison three days last week?

  SHADOW: Simply enough. I was the policeman who arrested you. I saw you were drunk, saw you break in an old man’s derby, and I thought I’d give you a vacation.

  HUBERT: YOU were that ugly cop with the long beard?

  SHADOW: A rather doubtful compliment but I was he or he was I. Anyways, the problem now is this. They saw me enter this house. Some of them are in it. Some are out of it. I’ve got to get out.

  HUBERT: Well 1 hope they catch you.

  SHADOW: Remember, not a word from you.

  HUBERT: They’ll catch you anyways.

  SHADOW: They can’t.

  HUBERT: Can’t?

  SHADOW: Look here — when you were little did you ever chase a reflection?

  HUBERT: Yes, but never caught it.

  SHADOW: Of course not. Not only because you couldn’t catch it but because it was an impossibility. Did you ever hear of a captured shadow?

  HUBERT: NO.

  SHADOW: Of course not. There’s no such thing. It’s contrary to science. Now, I’m a shadow. So there you are.

  HUBERT: You will be a captured Shadow before four hours.

  SHADOW: Think as you please. I shall permit you to retire now. Good evening.

  HUBERT: What?

  SHADOW: YOU may go.

  HUBERT: This is my house.

  SHADOW: YOU may go.

  HUBERT: Oh very well. (Exit.)

  (Enter Miss S.)

  MISS S.: Why, who are you?

  SHADOW: Don’t be alarmed.

  MISS S.: My nerves are in a turmoil. They say there is a thief in the house.

  SHADOW: There is but I’ll get him. I am a detective, my dear lady.

  MISS S.: So you’re a detective, are you?

  SHADOW: I am.

  MISS S.: A real detective?

  SHADOW: What do I look like? Papier mâché?

  MISS S.: And do you need assistance?

  SHADOW: Assistance? Ah, I have just the thing. Sh!

  MISS S.: Oh, if I could help you find this burglar, Mr. Connage might take me back in his employ.

  SHADOW: Listen. I am hunting for the Shadow. I should like your assistance in a piece of work that requires careful handling. Now take heed. The real burglar is no other than Mr. Connage himself. He has been deceiving people for years but at last I’m onto him.

  MISS S.: HOW perfectly awful. Still, I had long suspected.

  SHADOW: NOW the next person who enters this room I want you to stop and hold here till I come. Have you a revolver?

  MISS S.: I’ll get one. (Takes revolver from case on wall.)

  SHADOW: NOW remember, no matter who the person is. Hold him or her up until I come, for I have reason to suspect that it will be Mr. Connage’s assistant. Remember, the police do not treat courageous work lightly. You will probably be rewarded and — How would you like a position on the women’s detective bureau?

  MISS S.: Magnificent!

  SHADOW: YOU will obtain it. Now crawl under this table. Don’t fire “nder any conditions and remember that “wait” and “hope.” are the passwords.

  MISS S.: Wait and hope. I will remember.

  (Exit Shadow. She crawls under table.)

  (Enter Mrs. Connage in coat and shawl.)

  MRS. C.: Gentlemen, I am ready to see my son. Why they’re gone.

  Where on earth —

  MISS S.: (Under table.) Halt. Not another step.

  MRS. C.: What — what!

  MISS S.: I have you covered.

  MRS. C.: Oh who are you?

  MISS S: One of the foremost members of the women’s secret service.

  MRS. C.: It’s Miss Saunders.

  MISS S: You have been found ou
t.

  MRS. C.: The woman is crazy!

  MISS S: Put up your hands.

  MRS. C.: She is in league with some robbers.

  MISS S: The signs of guilt are written all over your face.

  MRS. C.: Miss Saunders, release me at once. My son is lying half shot — in a boarding house and I must go to him.

  MISS S: What language. Half shot indeed!

  MRS. C.: Will you kindly explain this?

  MISS S: No explanation is necessary. (Comes out from table.) I have you where I want you. My friend the detective will soon arrive.

  MRS. C.: But —

  MISS S: No explanations. I know all.

  MRS. C.: All what?

  MISS S.: All about your husband.

  MRS. C.: (Aside.) Heavens! Can he have been up to something?

  MISS S: He has indeed. And you know only too well. You are his accomplice.

  MRS. C.: His accomplice? Me?

  MISS S: You.

  (Enter Mr. Connage from back.)

  MRS. C.: Beverly!

  MR. C.: Why, what’s all this about? A pistol!

  MISS S: Put up your hands.

  MR. C.: What?

  MRS. C.: She says you’re a criminal.

  MR. C.: What in the devil is the matter?

  MRS. C.: And I’ve just received word that our son is shot.

  MR. C.: Shot? I just saw him. (To Miss S.) Did you shoot him?

  MISS S: Everything you say will be used against you.

  MR. C.: This is preposterous.

  MRS. C.: She must be in league with robbers.

  MISS S.: You rascal, you!

  MR. C.: (To his wife.) Have you been up to something?

  (Voices outside.)

  DUREAL: We have zem.

  MCGINNESS: Bring them in here.

  (Enter the -policemen, each holding either Rabbit or Rudd, followed by Emma Kate.)

  MCGINNESS: We found them trying to sneak out of the back window. They have stolen these clothes.

  DUREAL: We have did ze duty.

  MCGINNESS: But what’s all this?

  MR. C.: Arrest this woman. (Pointing to Miss Saunders.)

  MISS S.: Arrest this man. (Pointing to Mr. Connage.)

  MCGINNESS: But we have the crooks.

  MISS S.: Pardon me but I have them.

  MRS. C.: But this woman is evidently a thief herself.

  DUREAL: Four crooks or five. Ah, this is a situation.

  MCGINNESS: Who — Who — What shall I do?

  DUREAL: These are the men.

  MR. C. AND MRS. C.: This is the woman.

  MISS S.: Apprehend this couple.

  MCGINNESS: But which one shall I arrest?

  DUREAL: Arrest all of zem.

  (Enter Hubert followed by girls.)

  DOROTHY: Papa! Mama!

  MRS. C.: My son, restored!

  HELEN: Miss Saunders!

  HUBERT: Rabbit and Chinyman!

  RABBIT: Well?

  MCGINNESS: What shall I do? They each accuse somebody else.

  HUBERT: These are my friends. Pll vouch for ‘em.

  DOROTHY: This is my father and mother.

  DUREAL: Ze case grows complicated.

  RABBIT: Arrest the old lady with the shotgun.

  HUBERT: You’re looking for the Shadow? There ain’t five Shadows.

  (Enter the Shadow.)

  SHADOW: NO, there are not. But the Shadow is here.

  DUREAL: Shall I arrest this fellow too?

  MISS S.: My friend the detective.

  SHADOW: Pm Johnston from the central office.

  MCGINNESS: Well, see if you can unravel this.

  SHADOW: I think I can. The Shadow is in this room.

  (All start.)

  MCGINNESS: Where? Where?

  SHADOW: Look! The crook will be known in two minutes. Listen!

  Some one in this room is posing for some one else, but in reality is the Shadow.

  ALL: The Shadow?

  SHADOW: The most daring crook in New York. He is one who has for years been leading a double life. Officer. Arrest Hubert Connage, alias the Shadow.

  ALL: Hubert Connage?

  HUBERT: It’s a lie!!

  MRS. C.: My son.

  (Hubert starts up. They grab him. All are startled and talk.

  Mrs. Connage faints and the Shadow lights a cigarette.)

  (Curtain.)

  ACT II

  (Thirty minutes later. Scene the same. Mr. Connage is seated at left. McGinness is standing at right and Hubert is gagged and tied to chair between them. Dureal is standing to the right of McGinness.)

  MR. C.: So now I hope you are convinced that my son is no burglar and no Shadow and that this is all a foolish mistake.

  MCGINNESS: Well I guess it’s pretty certain that you ought to know your own son, but you’ll admit it looked mighty suspicious when that detective fellow stood out here and called him the Shadow.

  DUREAL: Mais ou est-t-il. Le detective qui a lui dénoncé.

  MCGINNESS: Yes, yes. Speak sensibly.

  DUREAL: That detective. Where has he disappeared?

  MCGINNESS: He said he was going to call up the police station.

  MR. C.: But that was a half an hour ago.

  MCGINNESS: Well he hasn’t come back.

  MR. C.: Had you ever seen him before?

  MCGINNESS: Never. He said he’d just joined the force.

  MR. C.: I half believe he wasn’t a detective at all.

  MCGINNESS: Well he couldn’t have gone far. There’s a guard of policemen around the house.

  DUREAL: I knew, I knew continually, what ch’u call it, all ze time. I — ze brain, oui, moi.

  MCGINNESS: Your mouth is overcrowded with talk. Now spill one word at a time and you’ll be understood.

  DUREAL: I knew all the time.

  MCGINNESS: And you didn’t tell us? Why you mean little thing.

  He was a gent dee harm in France.

  DUREAL: Oui j’étais un gen d’arme en Paris. I nevaire before fail. That we have not caught him is due to this pig.

  MCGINNESS: Here, here, frogslegs — No names.

  DUREAL: Frogslegs?

  MR. C.: Gentlemen. It is not too late to catch this burglar or bogus detective. There is still a guard of policemen around the house, so he must be in the house.

  HUBERT: (Gagged.) Mmmmm — mmm — mm — mmmm.

  MR. C.: My son evidently wants to be released.

  MCGINNESS: TO be sure. I forgot.

  (Unties him.)

  HUBERT: Mmm — Ah. Oh my mouth. (Tries to stretch it.) Of all the ivory-headed policemen. To let that fellow get away from almost under your nose.

  DUREAL: What fellow?

  HUBERT: That fake detective. Why he was the Shadow himself.

  MCGINNESS, MR. C AND DUREAL: He was the Shadow?

  HUBERT: Of course he was. If I hadn’t been a little intoxicated I wouldn’t have let him bluff me about keeping mum.

  MCGINNESS: YOU knew who he was all the time?

  HUBERT: Sure I did but he threatened to blab something he knew about me if I gave him away, but now he’s played me such a dirty trick and got my mouth so sore that I am going to catch that fellow if he tells about me all over town.

  MR. C.: Mr. McGinness has stationed men all around the house, so he couldn’t have gotten away.