Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated)
Page 367
DUREAL: Well, after him.
MCGINNESS: Right-o.
MR. C.: Come, we will search the house.
(Exit McGinness, Dureal, Mr. Connage.)
(Enter Mrs. Connage.)
MRS. C.: Hubert, Hubert, my poor boy. So they released you. First some aldermen told me that you had been shot.
HUBERT: Aldermen? I don’t remember any alderman. Oh yes, I have a dim recollection of picking up two men on the street and bringing them home and why — yes — why I promised I’d make them aldermen or something of the sort.
MRS. C.: But my son, they said you had been shot in the eye and your eye looks all right. Where were you shot?
HUBERT: In the excitement.
(Enter Helen.)
HELEN: Oh excuse me. There has been so much excitement that I don’t know where I’m going.
HUBERT: Why Helen, just in time. Mother, Helen and I are — are — Oh why don’t you tell her?
HELEN: We’re — we’re — Why don’t you?
HUBERT: Engaged.
HELEN: TO be married.
MRS. C.: Engaged? Why, why, how startling! But Helen, you dear girl, I haven’t the heart to blame you. You must tell me all about it in the morning. Come, it is getting late.
HELEN: Here Hubert. Something I got for you down town today.
(Hands him -paper.) Sign it.
HUBERT: What is it?
HELEN: Why it’s a pledge.
(Exit Helen and Mrs. C.)
HUBERT: Well I’ll be darned. (Starts to throw it away, then examines it, then signs it and throws it on the table.)
(Enter Rudd and Rabbit.)
HUBERT: Ah, good morning Mr. — Mr. —
RABBIT: YOU ain’t forgotten us, have you?
HUBERT: Oh are you the fellows I brought home to spend the night with me?
RABBIT: We’re the ones. And say, you haven’t forgotten about aldermen?
HUBERT: Hey, did I say I’d make you aldermen? What a fool I was!
RABBIT: Oh I don’t know about that.
HUBERT: I tell you. I’ll consider the matter at least. You may spend the night as my guest.
RABBIT: But — But — But —
RUDD: YOU talk like a goat.
HUBERT: Where did you get that suit? It’s enough to wake any one up in the morning.
RUDD: Think so? You gave it to me.
HUBERT: You mean that I ever had a suit like that?
RUDD: You said I could take it out of the butler’s clothes press.
RABBIT: It looks cheap.
RUDD: Cheap? Why it’s all covered with big checks.
HUBERT: And here is a retaining fee and a happy rest to you both and — sh — sh — keep it dark about our political prospects.
(Exit Hubert.)
RABBIT: I’m going to insure my money so if I spend it I will have it anyways.
RUDD: Come, we’ll go to bed. Say, is the Shadow still in the house?
Wasn’t it slick when he told the cops that Hubert was the Shadow?
RABBIT: I guess they’re onto him now. Well let’s hope he gets out of the house safely. We know how it is.
(Exit both of them.)
(Enter the Shadow.)
SHADOW: Well I’m in for it. I’m as good as caught. The Shadow caught, captured. After baffling the New York police for two weeks, to be caught like an ordinary second story man. Still, they can’t do much to me. I can prove that I have sent back every bit of stuff that I stole. But to be captured and by such ivory heads as this McGinness. Still, I must not give up. I’m not caught yet, not by a long shot. There is still a chance. One chance in a hundred, but a chance all the same.
(Enter Dorothy.)
DOROTHY: Why it’s the detective. How do you do, sir. Sir, tell me.
Why did you accuse my brother? Will you release him?
SHADOW: Release him? Why, of course, if you wish.
DOROTHY: I didn’t know detectives were so obliging. But tell me. Is the Shadow in this house? And who is the Shadow?
SHADOW: I’m afraid it would be imprudent to tell you. You might put him on his guard.
DOROTHY: IS he as romantic looking as the newspapers say?
SHADOW: I should say not. He is an undersized, bullet-headed fellow. As ugly as I have ever seen, Miss Connage.
DOROTHY: Well then, why did you take my brother for him?
SHADOW: Why — oh yes — why yes — of course — Why that’s the question. Ha-ha. Well let me see. It’s a long story and my time for business is short. Listen. He is in this house and I must catch him.
DOROTHY: I wish you success, Mr. — Mr. —
SHADOW: Johnston.
DOROTHY: Mr. Johnston. But I am disappointed that the Shadow was not handsome for I had intended to fall in love with him.
SHADOW: YOU had? Poor fellow that he doesn’t know it. He would jump at the chance but you would have no use for a fellow like that.
DOROTHY: YOU never can tell. Good night, Mr. Johnston, and good luck.
(She goes out. He shakes his head sadly and then goes out.)
(Enter from opposite sides Rabbit and Miss Saunders.)
MISS S.: What a noble looking being!
RABBIT: Discovered.
MISS S.: Ah, ‘tis the politician. I thought I heard a noise in the library.
RABBIT: It must have been only the history repeating itself.
MISS S.: And how are you, dear sir?
RABBIT: I’m so thin from all this excitement that my shadow would puncture a bicycle tire.
MISS S.: Quite clever. You know I’m not as old as I look.
RABBIT: YOU couldn’t be and live.
MISS S.: He is eccentric. But will you not have a chocolate drop, sir? “Sweets to the sweet,” you know.
RABBIT: Have some of these. (Passes crackers.) Crackers to the cracked, you know.
MISS S.: Sir, I’ll have you know I’ll not be openly derided. Emma Kate. Show this man the door.
(Emma Kate comes in.)
EMMA K.: And no mum.
MISSS.: What?
EMMA K.: You was discharged this evenin’. I he’r Mr. Connage atellin’ you.
MISS S.: Entirely utterly crushed! I shall pray, and let me tell you my prayers will be heard, that this house will be swallowed by an earthquake — There! (Exit.)
RABBIT: And it’s good riddance to bad rubbish. Emma Kate, do you suppose that in the kitchen there is a little chicken and a bottle of beer ready to be eaten up?
EMMA K.: There might be.
RABBIT: Come along then.
(Exeunt the two.)
(Enter the Shadow followed by Dureal whom he does not see.)
SHADOW: Policemen at the front door, policemen at the back door, policemen at the side door and policemen at every window. How shall I get out? Let me see. Oh! the telephone.
DUREAL: Non, monsier. You are my prisoner.
SHADOW: Me your prisoner? You mean your guest.
DUREAL: I, Dureal, have captured you. Hands up.
SHADOW: Oh, is your name Dureal, the famous Dureal?
DUREAL: What, you know me? (He is pleased.)
SHADOW: Who has not heard of you — the cleverest gen d’arme in Paris, the handsomest and most efficient man on the New York police force.
DUREAL: Monsieur. But are you not the Shadow?
SHADOW: Yes I am, and you unaided have captured me. But it is no disgrace to be captured by you. It is rather an honor.
DUREAL: Monsuer.
SHADOW: Monsieur.
DUREAL: YOU are too polite.
SHADOW: One could never equal a Frenchman in politeness. But forgive me. You will sit down?
DUREAL: With pleasure.
SHADOW: But there is one thing I never could understand about the French police. Could you explain it? I hear they lock all the criminals in one large room. Now what’s to prevent them from breaking out?
DUREAL: But they don’t. They lock the prisoners in cells.
SHADOW: Surprising. Well now. How big a
re these cells? As big as these closets? (Opens closet door.)
DUREAL: Oh yes.
SHADOW: But now a man of your size couldn’t get in this closet.
DUREAL: Why certainly. Here. I will go in —
(Walks into closet. Shadow slams and locks door.)
SHADOW: And you’ll stay there too. Monsieur Monsieur. (Laughs.)
(Dureal stamps and pounds.)
SHADOW: And it’s always safer to work in the dark. (Extinguishes lights and lights candle on table.)
(Enter McGinness. He gives a cry of satisfaction and covers Shadow with a revolver. Shadow grabs up magazine and throws it so that it knocks revolver from policeman’s hand. He jumps over chair and grapples with policeman.)
MCGINNESS: Curse you, curse you.
SHADOW: Give up or I’ll break your arm.
(Enter Hubert followed by his father. He snatches up the candle and points revolver at Shadow.)
HUBERT: NOW we’ve got you, Mr. Shadow, or whatever you call yourself.
(Enter Dorothy, Helen, Miss S., Mrs. C., Emma K., and crooks.)
SHADOW: Yes, you’ve got me at last. I’m caught.
HUBERT: I thought there was no such thing as a captured Shadow.
DOROTHY: So you’re a burglar?
SHADOW: A burglar. Me — Yes.
MCGINNESS: Well it was no cinch, and for two weeks you’ve led us a hard chase.
SHADOW: I guess the game is up. But you know I’m not yet in the lockup. But I’d better make a clean sweep of it. My accomplice is in that closet.
MCGINNESS: Bosh and nonsense! It’s one of his tricks.
SHADOW: Will some one listen to me?
DOROTHY: I will listen to you.
SHADOW: Then listen. In that closet is locked some one who will be useful to you.
(Poundings.)
But he is desperate. So you must bind him directly. You take that shawl and throw it over his head. Here is the key. Ready. Unlock it.
(McGinness unlocks door. Dureal comes out. They throw shawl over head, not recognizing him. Shadow steps behind screen in the excitement. Dureal sputters and fumes.)
DUREAL: Fools. Fools. Where is he?
MCGINNESS: (Looking around.) Gone!
ALL: Where?
HUBERT: After him!
DUREAL: Oh me, oh my!
(Exit all. )
(Shadow comes quickly from behind screen and steps to telephone.)
(Enter Dorothy.)
DOROTHY: Well?
SHADOW: Well? (Takes up phone.)
DOROTHY: Put down that phone.
SHADOW: The phone? (Takes down receiver.)
DOROTHY: Yes, or —
SHADOW: Nonsense. Hello — Hello. Oh here they are.
DOROTHY: If you say one word over that phone, I’ll shoot.
SHADOW: YOU will? Very well. Central, give me the Forty-fourth Street police station. All right. Why don’t you fire?
DOROTHY: I — I can’t.
SHADOW: And why not?
DOROTHY: I don’t know.
SHADOW: Hello — Is this the Forty-fourth Street police station? Well this is Officer McGinness. I am at the Connages’ house on Fifty-second Street. Immediately withdraw the guard from around the house. We’ve caught the Shadow at last. Thank you.
Good evening. And please hurry. (Bangs down receiver.)
DOROTHY: If I wished I could summon the police or counteract that telephone message.
SHADOW: Why don’t you scream? I won’t stop you.
DOROTHY: Because I’m not going to. I am going to let you get out of here. Listen — tell me the truth. Who are you? You don’t seem like a burglar. And is it true that you send back everything you steal?
SHADOW: People seem to be onto me. Yes, I guess it is true.
DOROTHY: Are you a real thief then?
SHADOW: Why of course.
DOROTHY: I wished you weren’t.
SHADOW: YOU wish I wasn’t?
DOROTHY: I — I — would like to have known you better. But as it is, it is out of the question.
SHADOW: Yes, it’s out, out of the question. For I am only a burglar. Not fit to look at you.
DOROTHY: But why — Why are you a burglar?
SHADOW: Because I was born to it, I suppose.
DOROTHY: Born to it? You were not born to it. You are a gentleman.
SHADOW: Thank you, miss. Well, you are right in a way. By entering houses by stealth I’ve forfeited all claims to the name of gentleman, but I’ve never kept a thing I’ve taken and I’m glad you think I am. But as I am for the present a burglar, it is better we should not meet again. (At window.) I see the guard has been withdrawn. Good night, Miss Connage. Were I not a burglar, I might hope to know you better. But — (Ofens door.)
(Clock strikes twelve.)
DOROTHY: SO is it goodbye?
SHADOW: Listen — the clock has struck twelve. Up to twelve o’clock tonight I was forbidden by the terms to a bet to disclose who I was, but now I can tell you. My name is Thorton Hart Dudley. I made a bet of five thousand dollars with several New York men whom I met in Philadelphia that I could prove the New York police utterly incompetent, by committing daring robberies, and remain uncaught for two weeks. My two weeks is up now — I am a burglar no longer, and I have won my bet.
DOROTHY: Then you are not a thief?
SHADOW: Miss Connage, I am not in circumstances which put me in want of money. It was simply a question of daring with me.
The fancy struck me that I should like to be a burglar for a while, and when I had once entered into an agreement, I stuck it out, and — (Takes her hand. She draws it away.)
(Enter Mr. Connage.)
MR. C.: Here, here! What’s all this?
DOROTHY: Oh Father, this is my friend, Mr. — Mr. Dudley.
MR. C.: (Surprised.) Bless me, it’s the burglar!
SHADOW: NO sir — Never a burglar. Only a Shadow, and a Captured Shadow at that. (Glances at Dorothy.)
(Mr. Connage faints in chair.)
(Curtain.)
COWARD
Written for The Elizabethan Dramatic Club
A drama in two acts, given for the benefit of the Baby Welfare Association, and presented at the Saint Paul Y.W.C.A. Auditorium, Friday evening, August 29, 1913.
CONTENTS
CAST OF CHARACTERS
ACT I
ACT II
CAST OF CHARACTERS
JUDGE DOUGLAS — Robert Clark
MRS. DOUGLAS — Alice Lyon
LINDY DOUGLAS — Dorothy Greene
LIEUT. CHARLES DOUGLAS, C.S.A... — Scott Fitzgerald
LIEUT. PERCY ALTWATER, C.S.A... — Gustave Schurmeier
JIM HOLWORTHY — Lawrence Boardman
JEFFERSON — Theodore Parkhouse
CECILIA ASHTON — Eleanor Alair
VIRGINIA TAYLOR — Katherine Schulze
CAPT. ORMSBY, U.S.A — Wharton Smith
CLARA DOUGLAS — Letitia Magoffin
TOMMY DOUGLAS — Rudolf Patterson
MISS PRUIT — Elizabeth McDavitt
ANGELINA BANGS — Julia Dorr
PRIVATE WILLINGS — Scott Fitzgerald
PRIVATE BARKIS — Gustave Schurmeier
PRIVATE JOHNSON — Robert Clark
ACT I
Scene — Living room in the home of Judge Douglas somewhere in Virginia. Rich furnishings in colonial style of the period.
Time — 1861.
(Discovered at rise of curtain — Judge Douglas, seated in invalid chair. Mrs. Douglas near him. Judge Douglas seems to be disturbed about something. In his hand he shakes a bouquet of fresh flowers.)