[Measure of Devotion 01.0] Measure of Devotion

by Caethes Faron

  Kale hesitated with his hand over the fork and then picked it up and began to eat. This was entirely unexpected. Kale had never stopped to consider what he would do if Jason saw through him. In truth, he hadn’t thought that was even a possibility. As he ate, he considered how much more difficult this had just become. Why did Jason have to have such faith in him? Why did he have to make this harder than it already was?

  Once he was done eating, he had decided to abandon his plan for the day. There was no more worthwhile work he could get done, and he needed some time to think. More than anything, he needed a little time to build up his defenses. This was going to be harder than he thought, and he simply didn’t have the energy to continue tonight. The fact that Jason could so easily see through him made him feel vulnerable, and the truth left him with an odd feeling that this was all wrong.

  Forty-Two

  Dreams of his life before Renee Arlington entered it woke Kale early. It had been an uneasy night. It was one thing to hold onto his resolve during the day; it was quite another to not give in to the temptation to cuddle with Jason in bed.

  Things had to go differently today, he couldn’t let this continue, and he certainly couldn’t spend another night in this bed. It wasn’t fair to him, and it wasn’t fair to Jason. Since Jason was proving harder to convince than he had anticipated, he was going to have to resort to more drastic measures. Watching Jason sleep, Kale frowned. He was going to hurt him today. It was unavoidable. But the pain would pass, and soon he would have Renee to comfort him and make him forget. There was not time to do this slowly. Every day was one day more that Renee could decide to tell someone what had happened, and then it would be hard for her pride to take Jason back, even without Kale.

  Unlike yesterday, Kale decided to stay in bed. Perhaps Jason waking up with him still there would get things off to a better start. Although it didn’t really matter; it wouldn’t lessen the pain any. Kale didn’t have to wait long. Soon, Jason was stirring and reaching for him. Kale simply remained on his back staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t afford to offer Jason any comfort.

  When Jason finally propped himself up on an elbow, Kale spoke. “You’ve ruined everything. You realize that, right? This was our one chance at a good life, and you destroyed it with your insistence that you’re in love with me. My gods, how stupid can you be?” Kale kept his face resolutely turned toward the ceiling. He couldn’t bear to see the shock and pain that was surely on Jason’s face.

  “Look, I’ll find someone to marry.” Jason’s voice was raspy, as if his mouth and throat had dried out. “I’ll find someone who is all right with the fact that you’re in my life. I’ll find someone who understands that you are non-negotiable.”

  Kale closed his eyes. Why did Jason have to keep saying these things to him? Couldn’t his master just let Kale get on with stabbing him in the back? “And who are you going to find, Master? What woman in their right mind would take you after they hear that you gave up Renee Arlington in favor of a whoring slave? Even if you could find a woman, there’s not a father in this town who is going to let you marry into their family. Face it, it’s over.”

  “What?”

  “You’d be better off just selling me and running back to her and hoping she’ll take you.”

  “No, I won’t even consider it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I love you and you love me.”

  Kale turned and looked at him. If he had to do this, he was going to make sure he only had to do it once. “Do I?”

  Jason’s face wrinkled in puzzlement, and his eyes flashed worry. “Of course you do.”

  “Really? When have I ever said those words to you? Think back through all our time together and tell me when I ever told you that.” Kale couldn’t even bring himself to say the words “I love you.”

  Jason stared off to the side, and his eyes began to dart back and forth as if searching for something.

  “You won’t find it because it isn’t there. I’ve never said it. I tried to tell you this yesterday; I’m just a slave. Anything beyond that is in your head.”

  “What are you saying, Kale?”

  “I’m saying that whatever reasons you had for keeping me, I assure you they’re not good enough.”

  “No, I refuse to believe that. We’re in love.”

  Gods, why couldn’t he just accept it? Why was he forcing Kale’s hand? Taking a breath that didn’t give him the strength he was hoping for, he plunged ahead. “How could I ever love a man who brutalized and humiliated me the way you did when you were with Eric? What did you expect me to do, rebuff the advances of the man who held my life in his hands? You are nothing more to me than Carter Cartwright was: a master to be pleased.”

  The color left Jason’s face, and his eyes snapped closed. Kale looked away. Every second he was closer to telling Jason that this had all been a joke, that they’d figure something out. Kale was giving up a lot here, but he knew that if he stayed, it would only be on borrowed time until he would have to be sold to pay the bills. So he really had nothing to gain by staying. But Jason did have something to lose if Kale stayed. The time had to be now; Kale needed to make an exit.

  Jason opened his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you felt that way.” His voice was soft and hollow. “I should have known. No wonder you want to get away. All this time I thought I was trying to hold on to a lover, and you were trying to be rid of a rapist.”

  Kale clenched his fists to keep himself from grabbing Jason to him. The pain in Jason’s voice was tearing him to shreds. He couldn’t think up a response, so he just shut his eyes and nodded.

  “You don’t have to stay here, you’re dismissed.”

  Kale rose from the bed and walked to the door. This was it. He was really walking away from this life for good. No more lazy days spent reading and drawing, no more having a master who actually cared for him, no more good food, and no more nights on a comfortable bed with a solid body in his arms. He never thought he’d leave that bed for the last time this way.

  Forty-Three

  Numb. The absence of feeling. Lying on the bed, Jason felt like he was floating, like what had just transpired was all part of a dream, a twisted, horrific dream. But if it was, why wasn’t he waking? It had to be a dream. If it was real, he would feel something right now, wouldn’t he? Watching the person you love with every fiber of your being walk out of your life forever should elicit some response. Kale had tried telling him, but in his stupid, childish, romantic notions, he had convinced himself of a lie. As he looked at the door that had closed behind Kale only moments before, his eye caught on something else. Sitting on his desk was the drawing Kale had done of a weed in the park.

  And the tears began to fall.

  Suddenly he was holding that picture, tracing it with his finger. It was a weed, but Kale had seen something beautiful in it, and it was. That’s how Kale lived his life, standing strong amongst whatever chaos or burden was thrown his way. Jason had taken that stunning soul and brought it to this cold and dirty city. What was worse, he had become all the ugliness that was in this picture. He had raped Kale and spoiled the most beautiful thing that had ever entered his life.

  Dear gods, what had he done? Thinking over all the times he had beat Kale, all the times he had taken him to bed, his knees went weak and he collapsed to the ground, clutching the picture to his chest. The guilt was suffocating and Jason sucked in gulps of air as he sobbed. All these months he had hoped to make it up to Kale and show him the true extent of his feelings. Ever since he realized how wrong he had been about Kale, his greatest fear was that Kale would not be able to love him because of his foolish actions. For a while he had been able to let himself believe that Kale understood, that he forgave him, and that he loved him.

  That was foolishness.

  Jason pulled the sketch away from his chest and smoothed it out. How could the man who created this ever love a man like him? Jason was a monster. Given the way he had treated Kale, it was no wonder
that he went along with his advances. The man he was before, it wouldn’t have been hard to imagine Jason beating Kale and then raping him anyway if he had refused. How much easier had it been for Kale to just go along? If he was anything, he was a survivor.

  Down the hall, a door shut. The noise sent a jolt of fear through Jason, reminding him of the outside world. Would Kale be back to bring breakfast? Staying here was too risky; seeing Kale right now would be agonizing. Smoothing it out one more time, Jason put the sketch back in its place and turned to the bathroom. He would have to hurry if he was going to get out of the house before Kale appeared with breakfast.

  For once, he didn’t care how he looked. Given his emotional state, there was nothing that could make him look nice anyway. Five minutes after he had decided to leave, he stepped out onto the sidewalk, still fastening cuff links. Instinctively, he turned right, the shortcut to the park, but then thought better of it. Too many memories, too many lost opportunities. To the left was the university, the only other place in the city he felt he could go.

  Even there, he was assaulted with painful memories. This place had been the origin of all his hopes and dreams in the city. That first day here, he had seen the whole world laid out before him, ready to be conquered. A fine job he had done of it. Passing Rosemont Hall, he felt almost physically sick. The secret society housed within was what had driven him for so long toward his own destruction. Finally he stopped in front of the library and realized this had been his destination. Walking into that grand entryway, he paused. There was no doubt this was the most beautiful building in Perdana, but as Jason looked around at the massive domed ceiling and the intricate stained glass, all he could think of was Kale’s drawing. He had been right. Jason had spent hours looking at that picture since that day, and here now he saw there were differences between it and the real thing. He couldn’t help feeling a little disappointment. He would always prefer Kale’s creation to the reality.

  Stepping back outside, he had to blink against the sunlight. He saw people walking, going about their days, and it seemed utterly absurd that here his life was falling apart and the rest of the world went on without noticing. He began to walk, going nowhere, wanting to wander off to a part of the city where he wouldn’t think of Kale, as if such a place existed.

  All around him, he saw families and lovers. He had neither, perhaps he never would. Father had never understood him. He was the reason Jason wanted to get away to Perdana in the first place. Then there was Eric, his first real love affair, if it could be called such. When Eric had dumped him, it was the first time he realized people could be that deceitful. Then there was Kale, whose deceit wasn’t nearly as cruel, but just as painful.

  How could anyone love him when Kale didn’t? What did it say about a man when the one person who knows him better than anyone turns away from him, views him as a monster? Kale knew him as no one else did. There were no secrets from him, no hiding, and it had seemed as if Kale loved him, as if he accepted him. There was no hope of anyone truly loving him.

  Across the street, a young man whispered into a giggling girl’s ear as she blushed. They looked lost in their own little bubble. The way the girl smiled reminded him of Renee. Were these two planning a future together as he had with Renee? He loved her, and she couldn’t accept that he had enough room in his heart to love more than one person.

  Did that matter now?

  Now that Kale was going to be out of the picture, there was nothing keeping them apart, if that was truly the only thing keeping her from accepting his proposal. Perhaps Kale was right, and he should propose to her again. If she accepted, he could be happy. The question was, was he ready to put his heart on the line again so soon? Of course, if he was to have any chance with Renee, he needed to act quickly. If she moved on, she wouldn’t be likely to want to come back to him.

  But what if she said no? What would he do? Live his life alone? A cold shiver passed through his body. He wouldn’t be alone. He knew in that moment that if Renee turned him down, he would simply keep Kale. It was weak and small, but the thought of being alone in the world, without anyone who cared or knew him, was just too much.

  The pungent smell of cigarette smoke wafted down the street to him. Looking up, Jason spotted a familiar place: Flannigan’s, the bar he had visited with Kale. It was tempting to go inside and drink himself into oblivion. But he couldn’t, not here, not where they had sat talking about the future. How was he ever going to give up Kale? All of his plans had Kale in them. In every scenario, Kale was by his side. He wasn’t just giving up a months-long relationship; he was giving up an entire lifetime. Could Renee step in and fill the void that Kale would leave? No, there was no way he could ever love her the same way he did Kale. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to expect her to fill another person’s shoes. She was her own person, he loved her for it, and he would never want to change her. Still, the question remained: could he envision a life with Renee that didn’t include Kale? He closed his eyes and tried to picture it. Several minutes later, he sighed and opened his eyes. Yes, he could, but it wasn’t a very happy life.

  Would this pain leave, though? Would it fade into eventual nothingness as the pain from Eric’s breakup had done? Rationally, Jason had to suppose so. Over time, he would get over Kale. He would make new plans with Renee. Together they would make new memories that would supplant the ones he had made with Kale. He knew he would never forget him, but with some time and work, he felt certain that he could at least move him to the back of his mind.

  That was it. He would propose to Renee, and if he had any luck, she would accept. He would find a good buyer for Kale, and he and Renee would marry. Would Renee be willing to accept his proposal before Kale was sold? He hoped so. If she wanted to be with him, that was the only way. After all he had put Kale through, after the loyalty and devotion he had shown, he would not just sell him to the first person with the money to buy him. Kale deserved to live as happy a life as he could, and if it was the last thing Jason could do for him, he would do his best to make sure that he was contented.

  His steps faltered. Kale had been devoted. Their life together had been effortless. Why did the one person he wanted most of all not return his love? He shook his head. There was no use going down that road. Jason had no one to blame but himself. He had sabotaged that relationship long ago, and all for the sake of his pride. That’s all it had been. Jason wanted to show that he was a man, and he had hurt Kale, as if that was the type of man he wanted to be. Jason would pay the price for his foolish pride for the rest of his life.

  There was only one thing left to do: go and beg Renee to take him back. Jason lengthened his stride. Renee’s townhouse was on the other side of town, and he needed to get there quickly. There was no use being miserable about what might have been. The best he could do was work to make his future as happy as he could. He owed himself, and he owed Kale, that much.

  Forty-Four

  Three days. Was that really how long it had been? Three days alternating between bouts of righteous indignation at Jason for turning her down and feelings of utter stupidity for making such a demand of him. It was time for all of that to end. Today Renee would resolve her feelings about the matter one way or the other and be done with it. After all, she was a pragmatist at her core, and it was absurd to let something as fickle as feelings get in the way of the most important decision of her life.

  Staring at the blank page in front of her, she took a deep breath and reached for a pen. Getting her thoughts on paper would help her work through them and come to some sort of decision.

  Two minutes later, the page was still blank. Three more minutes and the sound of her tapping pen was irritating her.

  “This is stupid.” What kind of woman decided who to marry this way? Throwing the pen down, she stood and began to walk in time with her thoughts. Turning Jason down had been one of the hardest things she’d ever done, but it was a matter of self-respect. “Really, Renee?” More like it was pride. Jason loved her. She couldn�
��t deny that, it wouldn’t be fair to him. He had only ever treated her with the utmost respect and affection. She also didn’t have a problem with Kale personally. He had always been respectful and kind to her. Of course, there was the unpleasant feeling she had when around him, knowing that he knew Jason better than she could ever hope to.

  “Admit it, Renee, you’re jealous. Of course you are. Kale has a part of him that I’ll never have.” It drove her crazy. But that wasn’t really Jason’s fault. So what was the problem?

  “Yes, what is the problem?” Renee spread her arms in desperation and flopped into a chair. The problem was he chose Kale. No matter how nice Kale was, the fact was Jason chose someone else over her. Whenever given a choice, he would always choose him. “But when is that ever actually going to happen, Renee? I’m the only person who’s making him choose. So why am I?” It was clear that the choice hurt him. It was not as if he casually threw her to the side when things didn’t work out. The agony on his face had been clear, she could still see it when she closed her eyes, and it pained her. So why was she putting them both through this?

  She stood up again and resumed her pacing, gesturing with her hands as if that would help her understand herself better. Since she was a little girl, she’d always had high hopes for herself. She was going to buck convention and get a higher education. Unlike the other women of Perdana, she would be respected on her own terms. “And he’s the only one who’s ever really understood that.” From as early as she could remember, she knew that she didn’t want to be considered second rate to anyone simply because she was a woman. “He’s always seen me as an equal. All the parts of myself I’ve loved have been things he’s loved too.” As she had grown out of childhood dreams and into the world of reality, she had come to realize how unlikely it was that she would ever find a man like Jason. When she talked, he really listened. When she challenged him, he rose to the occasion instead of detesting her for it. Life with Jason would be almost ideal.