[Measure of Devotion 01.0] Measure of Devotion

by Caethes Faron

  “Thank you.” A part of his mind knew he should be happy to see Renee, but it was so much easier to wallow in self-pity alone.

  Renee jumped up to meet him when he entered. The happiness on her face didn’t mask the shock in her eyes at seeing his condition. He had tried to straighten himself up, but some things couldn’t be hidden.

  “How are you?” she asked. The kiss she gave him on the cheek felt soft and delicate, so unlike the firm kisses he had shared with Kale.

  “Not well.” They moved to sit down. “I just returned from meeting with a potential buyer.”

  “How did it go?” Renee slid forward in her seat.

  “He showed interest in using Kale as a valet.” Jason was adamant that Kale not go to a master who would use him for hard labor. “He’s wealthy, an upstanding citizen. I don’t know him well, but by all accounts he’s a nice and fair man.”

  “But?”

  “His slaves. They were taken care of, but they didn’t exactly look happy.”

  Renee gave an exasperated sigh and sat back in her chair. “They’re slaves, Jason.”

  “I know that, Renee. But I need him to be happy. I’m selling him and moving on to get married.” She was losing patience with him, he could tell. “I’m entering the happiest time in my life, and I’m not just going to dump him at the first convenient place. Besides, that’s not the only reason it wasn’t a good fit.”

  “Well?”

  “This man is in the same social circles we are.” Renee clearly didn’t see the problem with that. Jason shifted in his chair, and he nearly whispered what came next. “It means there’s a chance I’ll see him, Renee. I can’t do that; I can’t risk it. I’ll just have to look harder for someone acceptable with whom we’re not likely to cross paths in the future.” Would Renee accept that and let it go?

  The truth was Jason couldn’t picture a future with Kale belonging to any of the people he had gone to see. If he were honest with himself, he couldn’t picture a future with Kale belonging to anyone but him. For so long, the future had seemed certain. Details were up for grabs, but one thing had never been in question: Kale would be with him wherever he was. Even though he thought he had come to terms with a future without Kale, he knew he hadn’t come to terms with a future where Kale belonged to someone else.

  Renee grimaced. It would be uncomfortable if they should chance to see Kale again, but it was highly unlikely, and it had to be better than the current situation. The atmosphere in the house was unbearable. Jason was worn from the stress, and the few times Renee had seen Kale, he looked like a man condemned and waiting for sentence to be passed.

  “Dear, Kale is used to being sold. It won’t be awkward for him, and it won’t be for you once we’re settled.”

  “Yes, but that’s not the point.” Jason’s leg began to shake with tension.

  “Then what is?” Renee leaned forward again. He seemed itching to tell her something. “Tell me what’s going on.”

  “Renee, all this time I thought he loved me, and he was merely cowing to me.” He broke. “I beat him viciously when I was with Eric. When I started to make advances toward him, he did the only thing he thought he could and accepted, but it wasn’t out of affection for me. It was out of fear. I no better than raped him. When I told him what you said after I proposed, he told me the truth. He was looking to get away from me. I imagine that’s why he arranged for us to meet. He knew we’d hit it off, and you were his best chance at diverting my attentions away from him.”

  “He’s the one who first told you about me?” That was news to her.

  “Yes. He’d been trying to help me meet a woman for ages. I always blew them off. They were all so boring. When he heard about you, he knew you would be a perfect match for me, so he arranged for us to be at the same party.”

  “He was helping you find a wife?” Why?

  “Yes. I thought we were looking for a wife for me to secure our future. Turns out, he just wanted me to focus my attentions toward someone else. I can’t say I blame him. Still, it hurt to find out that the future we had planned together was just a farce. When he had me meet you, I fell for you in a way I didn’t think I’d fall for any woman.”

  Renee looked at Jason and was amazed at how blind he was. Kale was feeding him a line, she felt sure of it. There was no way he hadn’t reciprocated Jason’s feelings. Everything Kale had done had been because he loved Jason the same way Jason loved him. Here Kale was giving up everything for Jason’s happiness, and all Jason saw was the lie Kale had told. It would be funny if it weren’t so tragic. If there was ever a time to speak up, it was now. A word from her would end this. But she was so close. How could she compete with Kale? What about her happy ending?

  “Jason, you’ve got to snap out of this.” It came out sterner than she intended. Not anger at Jason, but at what she was about to do. “Perhaps it’s best if you just send him to a dealer to be sold. Don’t handle it yourself; it will never get done. Just sell him to a dealer who will take care of it from there. It’s not like you need top dollar for him, anyway. This is tearing you apart, and I won’t stand for it anymore. You’ve got to get this done. Take him to the dealer tomorrow.”

  “I can’t do that.” Jason’s eyes widened and the color faded from his face. “I won’t do that to him. He deserves more.”

  “Have you looked around you? Is this what he deserves? Walking around with that haunted look on his face like he doesn’t know what’s coming? The best thing you can do for him is get this over with. End the uncertainty. Let us all move on with our lives.”

  “You really think he’s unhappy here?”

  “Wouldn’t you be?” Renee reached forward and grabbed his hand where it rested on his chair. His skin was cool and clammy against hers. She willed the certainty and strength in her eyes to push the doubt and sadness from his.

  “You’re right.” Victory. Jason took in a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. “As usual, you’re right. I’ll take him to the dealer tomorrow and be done with it. Just let me tell him.”

  Forty-Nine

  Standing in front of Jason and Renee, Kale was nervous, and he wasn’t sure why. On one hand, he didn’t really want it to be over. Somehow in the last few days he had permitted a hope to be born in him that he wouldn’t leave Jason after all, that somehow this could all work out for the three of them. On the other hand, he prayed every second that Jason would just find a buyer. Deciding to get himself sold was easy; this waiting around and having to stand by that decision wasn’t.

  Looking at Jason, Kale awaited what he had to say, wondering if it would be the life changing words he waited for or a mundane request for wine. Jason looked slightly calmer than he had the last few days. The tension was fading. Renee, on the other hand, looked uncomfortable, though she hid it well.

  “Kale, I’ve decided I’ve been unfair to you.”

  Jason’s voice washed over Kale, and he realized how much he had missed it. Hope blazed to life inside his chest. Was he to stay after all?

  “All this waiting around to be sold isn’t fair to you. I was trying to do the right thing by you, but Renee has shown me that it really isn’t a kindness after all. I’ll be taking you to the dealer tomorrow, and I’ll let him handle your sale. You have the night off to enjoy as you see fit. Be ready at eight o’clock in the morning.” Jason kept his head turned to the side, avoiding him.

  Kale closed his eyes. This was it then. The relief pouring through him drowned out the heartache. Opening his eyes he said, “Thank you, sir. Is that all?”

  “Yes, that’s all.” For a brief moment, Jason looked at him and then turned away again.

  Was that sadness Kale saw in his eyes? It didn’t matter. He bowed and left.

  Kale waited until the house had been quiet for a few hours. The last thing he wanted was to get caught in his enterprise and have a scene caused. He knew what was going to happen. He had chosen it, and wanted it to happen as quietly and smoothly as possible. He just needed on
e last look. Satisfied that his fellow slaves were deep in sleep and that no one else stirred, he carefully got out of bed and crept up the stairs to Jason’s room.

  Kale stood just inside Jason’s doorway, the full moon his only source of light. Funny that he felt like a stranger in these rooms he had shared for so many months. Strange, how things could change so fast.

  From Jason’s bed emerged a familiar sound. Apparently not everything changed. Kale had to suppress a laugh. That first night he had hoped Jason’s snoring had been the result of too much alcohol. Later, he learned that the boy never slept without snoring. During the months they shared a bed, Kale had become used to the sound. The nights now seemed eerily quiet without that snore lulling him to sleep, safe in the knowledge that he was loved. But Jason was no longer a boy. Looking at him sprawled out on the bed, Kale marveled at how much he had changed since the night they met. Odd that he hadn’t noticed it before now. Jason had filled out, and his features had become more angular. He was a man now, no longer the lost boy playing at adulthood.

  Kale took a seat on the floor and just watched Jason sleep. It was nice to have this last bit of stolen time to see him. The past few days had been hard on Jason, and Kale was almost grateful that he had been kept out of Jason’s presence. He didn’t think he could have held on to his resolve in the face of Jason’s pain. It would pass though; in a few days, this would be just a painful memory for Jason. In a few months, he would be married, and Renee would make him forget all his worries. She was a good woman, a good match for Jason, and she could give him everything Kale couldn’t.

  In sleep, Jason looked more at peace. It was easier for Kale to think of him as he had been: happy and full of life. It was easy to look at him as he slumbered and recall all the glorious dreams Jason had held for the two of them. Those dreams would come true, except instead of Kale at his side, it would be Renee. Not such a hard adjustment, Jason would make it in time.

  After sitting in silence for an hour, memorizing every line of Jason’s body as if he could ever forget, Kale realized it was time for him to go. How he longed to curl up beside his master and sleep the night away and then wake up and laugh away all of this misery. He would even gladly take a spot on the floor by Jason’s bed if it was offered to him now. But no, he had made his decision, and now he must follow it through. Rising from his seat, Kale prepared himself to turn away from Jason forever. As much as he wanted to stay, he couldn’t. It simply hurt too much. He’d be damned if he was going to cry and run the risk of waking Jason.

  Getting ready to leave before he lost his composure, Kale remembered the other reason he’d snuck up here tonight. He wanted a memento to take with him, something to remember Jason by. Kale wasn’t a fool. He knew what awaited him on the other side of this night. Already, he had used up all the luck he had ever hoped to have in his lifetime. Fortune would not smile on him twice. Up until now, his life had been fairly easy for a slave. That would all end tomorrow. At best, he would end up with a master who was indifferent to him. At worst, he would end up in hard labor and wouldn’t live out another decade. Either way, he knew he needed something to get him through, something to remind him that he was once loved and freely gave it up, that he had a choice and chose the harder path. Jason was going to keep Kale’s heart for the rest of his life. It only seemed fair that Kale got to keep something of his.

  He picked out the memento he wanted and took it. He allowed himself to pause in the doorway and take one last look at Jason. His sob was muffled by a snore as Kale closed the door on the life that could have been and went downstairs to his place in the world of reality.

  When the other slaves began stirring in the morning, Kale was sitting on his made bed, ready to go. Sleep had eluded him. After his time in Jason’s room, he found that he just wanted it to be over. If he had been able to take himself to the dealer, he would have, just to be gone from this place. Now, he waited.

  The other slaves rose and readied for the day. Kale couldn’t stand the look of pity in their eyes, as if they were looking at a prisoner awaiting the hangman. That was how he felt though, simply awaiting his fate, powerless to stop it. Except, of course, he wasn’t powerless, not really. He had a choice and he knew it. Even now, he could go to Jason, tell him it was all a lie, that Kale was just trying to do what was best for him. This very moment, they could be holding each other in bed. He would make Jason forget about Renee Arlington, and they would live their lives in happiness together. It would be so easy, but he knew he wouldn’t do it. The time had come to put away childish things. He was a slave; he couldn’t claim to love a free man and then drag him down. Perhaps at one time he could have. If he didn’t love Jason, he knew he could. He would have been all too happy to lead Jason along and reap the rewards of his master’s affection, if he just didn’t love him back.

  But he did love him, that much he had to admit to himself. After all the fighting he had done to try to deny it in the past, he was amazed at how natural it felt to finally admit it. He loved Jason, and so his sense of honor would not allow him to do anything that might harm Jason in the long run, including staying with him.

  As the other slaves left to go about their work, they murmured a few words of farewell. There was not much to say, and Kale wasn’t of a mind to hear them anyway. Once he was left alone, he began to panic. When he had been sold away from his family, he thought nothing could be so scary. How wrong he was. His thoughts did not linger long. For once, Jason had gotten up early, and he sent for him not long after the slaves had left.

  Arriving in the entry hall, Kale was taken aback by Jason’s appearance. His face was drawn and tight with deep lines etched into the skin, the face of a man resolved to do an unpleasant task. He looked older than he should, and Kale hoped this experience wouldn’t prematurely age him. That would be a shame and a damn waste. Thank the gods Kale had snuck that last look of him in his sleep; he didn’t want this to be the last picture of Jason he held in his mind. When Jason looked at him, Kale could see a little glimmer of something in his eye, but it passed quickly. Jason didn’t say anything, simply put on his hat and walked out the door, expecting Kale to follow.

  Kale did follow without as much as a backward glance at the house. This place was never home to him. The man standing in front of him had been his home. Getting into the carriage after Jason, Kale went smoothly to his knees. He knew his place. He would leave this house the way he came to it.

  The ride to the dealer’s was tense. Jason stared impassively out the window, and Kale tried, unsuccessfully, to keep his mind blank. It was easy to see that Jason was troubled. Kale fought every urge in his body to comfort him and wondered for the thousandth time if he was doing the right thing. A look up at his master said he was not. Kale had told himself he was doing this for Jason’s own good, for Jason’s happiness. Yet Jason looked worse than at any time Kale had known him. Perhaps he should speak? Even if only to let Jason know how much he loved him?

  Kale’s mind lurched as he realized that he never told Jason how he felt; he had only come to the awareness himself last night. Hadn’t that been why Jason believed the well-crafted lie? Shouldn’t he remedy that now? How could he let him go on not knowing just how he felt? Kale looked up at Jason, ready to speak.

  As he opened his mouth, he was struck by his position. On his knees at his master’s feet, he realized just how much of a master Jason was to him. He couldn’t confess his love to him because they weren’t lovers. Jason was his master, not just on paper, but in every way. For the first time in his life, Kale was putting the needs of another person before his own. Jason had truly mastered him. Telling Jason his feelings would not result in anything good, it would just make this harder on Jason. Kale couldn’t do it. He knew his place, and it was at his master’s feet. In this place and at this time, Kale truly submitted for the first time in his life. His mind cleared, and he was calm for the rest of the ride.

  It wasn’t long before they arrived at their destination. The carriage stopped
, and both men got out. Not a word was spoken between them, and even in his transaction with the dealer, Jason kept it as short as possible. It was almost as if the words had a hard time coming from Jason’s mouth. Was the difficulty due to anger or sadness? Kale would have liked to know.

  A few quick signatures and it was done. Kale was no longer Jason’s problem. The dealer took Kale’s arm and led him to a holding room. Once inside the doorway, Kale turned around and was startled to see Jason staring at him from the other end of the hall. Kale met his eyes, knowing it was his last chance. In them he saw anger, hurt, and frustration all trying to hide the little glimmer of love that he could see buried beneath it all. Just before the door to the room was closed, Kale saw Jason turn and walk away.

  When the door closed, Kale went limp, spent from the strength it had taken to stay silent. Leaning against the door for support, he reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a lock of brown hair. How carefully he had moved the night before when he clipped this memento from his master’s head. Holding it up to his face, he was overwhelmed with the smell of the man who had held him transfixed, and his face twisted in agony.

  Sliding down to the floor, he began to cry and then to sob, emanating a sound so torn with grief that surely the gods looked down on him in sorrow. Tomorrow he would face whatever came, but today—just for today—he would grieve. Tomorrow he would take joy in his victory, but today he would mourn his loss.

  When the tears were done, he lay down and went about the impossible business of figuring out how to live the rest of his life with this unbearable pain. Right before sleep overtook him, he muttered a word into the night that he had never before spoken, a word that held all his hope for the future and justified the price he had paid.

  “Jason.”

  Thank you for reading Measure of Devotion!

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