Even If It Breaks Me

by Dominique Laura

  “Stop.” I blinked rapidly, trying to dry the tears that threatened to escape. “You’re going to make me cry. Ugh. I can’t believe how much we’ve been through together. You’re an amazing best friend, you know that right?”

  “Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not, so.” She laughed, shrugging her shoulders.

  Becca was easy to talk to. But I knew my conversation with Tian, one that was long overdue, wasn’t going to be as seamless. I had opened up to him before, and I wasn’t lying when I said things had gotten better, but I always held back. If I wanted our relationship to actually change, then I’d have to be honest. No restraints or worries, just truth.

  Tian buried his face against the side of my neck, peppering light kisses along my skin. I sighed, melting into his touch.

  This was what I had missed. All else went away when we were together like this. But it never lasted long, so I made sure to revel in it, to enjoy it while it lasted. There was a heavy weight sitting atop my shoulders, and I knew the only way to feel right was to open up to him like I promised Becca I would.

  “I missed you, Jade.” He squeezed me in a hug, his lips no longer kissing but caressing my skin.

  I sighed. This was the Tian I loved, this version of him. It was one I rarely saw, so I’d bask in it for a few more minutes and then I’d confront him.

  Yeah.

  Just a few more minutes, I promised myself.

  He pulled back, his dark eyes staring into mine. “Jade? You’re quiet tonight.”

  “I’m always quiet.” I moved my arms over his shoulders, locking my fingers against the back of his neck.

  “Yeah, but you’re being quieter than normal.” His eyes dropped in concern. “What’s going on?”

  I shook my head, releasing a deep breath. “I just want to enjoy this moment with you. Okay? Let’s just be together right now.”

  He didn’t look convinced but something on my face must have changed his mind because he didn’t push me further. Instead, he nodded his head thoughtfully and brought his lips to mine.

  We started off slow, giving and taking in the sweetest of ways, but our kisses grew frenzied, his hands started exploring, and our bodies begged to join as one.

  It was heated. It was raw. And it was honest.

  I gave him everything in that kiss and expressed what I was too afraid to say out loud. Up until then, I was sure that I loved him, but is this what love was? Is this really what people spent their whole lives searching and fighting for? What musicians wrote and sang about? What writers curated epic stories around?

  It couldn’t be. Because if this was love, I wasn’t sure I wanted it. Any of it. I loved him, that I knew, but wondering what type of love it was scared me.

  Our kisses grew panicked, Tian communicating his unspoken truths just as fiercely as I had mine.

  Love wasn’t supposed to hurt this bad or be this uncertain.

  Or maybe it was. Maybe that was the kicker.

  I pressed my body against his, molding us together. He tried to pull back, his hands gently gripping my waist, but I shook my head. He sighed, pressing a short, soft kiss against my lips before pulling away. His hands traveled up my sides before cupping either side of my face.

  “You’re crying, Jade.” His voice sounded pained.

  “I am?” I asked, my throat tightening and vision blurring. “I guess I am.”

  “Jade.” His tone softened. “Is everything okay?”

  “I could lie and say that it is, but I really don’t think it is. I mean, what are we doing, Tian?” I pushed against his chest, pulling my body from his. “We go back and forth constantly, and still, after four years, I don’t know anything about your life or who you are.”

  “You know me, Jade, of course you do. How can you say that you don’t?” His voice rose, cracking on the last few words. “You have all of me.”

  “No. I don’t,” I disputed firmly. “The fact that you just said that to me is really messed up because we both know that isn’t true.”

  Anger fueled me in that moment. I even shocked myself with how firmly I was holding my ground. I suppose it made sense though. When that much anger and doubt were kept locked away, when it eventually did come out, it was bound to be explosive. It was any wonder it wasn’t completely out of control. The anger, I mean.

  “I’ve given you as much of me as I can, Jade. Why can’t that be enough?” He sounded frustrated.

  Good. We were finally in the same boat.

  “That isn’t good enough. Not anymore. I deserve better than the half of everything you’ve given since we started this thing.” I swiped angrily at the tears streaming down my face. He didn’t deserve my tears, especially not when he saw nothing wrong with the way he had been treating me. Gosh, am I really this clueless? “You’re a freaking mystery. Everything about you. If it weren’t for the few times I caught you outside of the park with your friends of Jessica or whatever, I’m not sure you would have ever willingly given me that glimpse into your life. And what for? What’s the big deal? What are you so ashamed of, Sebastian? I don’t understand, and I probably never will, but I deserve some answers. You at least owe me that.”

  “You want the truth, Jade?” He chuckled halfheartedly, sounding defeated. “I love you. But you’re so young, I don’t even know if it’s right for us to be together.”

  “What?” I froze, my tears halting along with my confusion.

  “You were fourteen.” He shook his head, his own eyes glazing with an emotion I was too afraid to name. “You were fourteen when we met and I should have known better, but I was gone the second I walked up to that snack bar for a drink. I wasn’t even planning on meeting the guys that day, but I went anyway, and then I saw you. You weren’t supposed to mean anything, Jade.”

  I swallowed over a lump. My heart was pounding a mile a minute, and I swore it was going to collapse at any moment. But I ignored its protests, its cries for help, and remained silent, willing him to go on.

  “Jessica and I were fighting, we always were, and when I met you, I figured it’d be good to have someone always there, waiting and willing whenever she pissed me off.” He ran a hand over his face. My heart continued its heavy beating. “You were supposed to be fun, but then I fell in love with you, and I couldn’t use you like that anymore.”

  “But you did,” I managed to croak out over the burning in my throat. “You did use me. Just like that. You still had her when you had me, the only difference is that I was your dirty little secret while she was the one you paraded around. You have a baby together, Tian. It makes sense for you to be in love with her.”

  “I love you, Jade. Only you. It’s only ever been you.” He was pleading with me, but who he was trying to convince, I’d never know.

  “Are you still with her now?” I asked. Though before the words left my mouth, I already knew the answer.

  His brows pulled together. “Don’t make me answer that, Jade.”

  “So, you are then? Does that make you feel good?” I felt sick. My stomach twisted and turned and my body shook, shocked, scared, and mad about this whole situation. “Wait. Don’t answer that. Continue. I need to hear this.”

  “This past year I’ve given you everything I could.”

  “And the parts that you couldn’t? Were they already reserved for her?” I spat, disgust churning my already upset stomach. “Oh my God, you’ve been with her the whole time you’ve been with me. So, what? After we hang out, make out, touch, you go home to her and do it all over again? I’m going to be sick.”

  I whispered that last part and he stepped forward, reaching for me, but I flew back, refusing to accept his help. “No. You don’t get to ever touch me again. You’re disgusting. Did it make you feel like a man? Thank God I never gave you my body, I can only imagine what would have happened if I ever did.”

  “Jade, don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” He was shaking his head, pain etched all over his face. I ignored the way my heart instantly
wanted to comfort him. He didn’t deserve my kindness. “I risked everything for you.”

  “Oh, did you?” I scoffed. “That’s the biggest load of bull I’ve ever heard. But hey, at least we’re airing it all out now. In a few short months I’ll be away at college, far away from you, and I’ve never been more excited for anything.”

  “You’re just upset right now, and I understand, I do, but please don’t ruin what we have.”

  “Me? Ruin what we have? No, you’ve already done that for the both of us.”

  “I was seventeen when I met you, a kid still—”

  I cut him off. “A kid, really? You’re twenty-one now, and from where I’m standing, it doesn’t seem like much has changed.”

  He remained still and his eyes remained lock onto mine.

  I sighed, releasing a shaky breath. “Did you ever really love me, Sebastian? Or was I just someone convenient to have on the side when Jessica pushed you away?”

  “She doesn’t mean anything to me. Not anymore.” His voice strained. He sounded desperate. “We have a child together, that’s the only reason we’re in each other’s lives now.”

  “Oh? So, you’re not sleeping together or planning out your future like couples do?” I asked cynically, widening my eyes at him. “You’re pathetic, and I really wish I hadn’t helped out that season because maybe then I wouldn’t have fallen for you and gotten my heart dragged around for four years. I’m not a game, Sebastian, but thinking back, it all makes so much sense, because that’s exactly how you treated me. Well, I hope you had a good laugh. Ha, ha, ha. It’s so hilarious, isn’t it?”

  I was laughing so hard that tears fell, but eventually that laughter turned into sobs, and when he reached for me a second time, I let him. I let him, and I wrapped myself in his warmth. He whispered promises and hopes against my ear, but I knew they were broken, just like we were, like we always had been.

  “You look like you’ve been crying all night,” Becca said, concerned, as she plopped onto my bed beside me.

  “Why do you think I called you over here?” I asked, looking over at her. “I need my best friend right now.”

  “I assume you talked to Tian last night,” she guessed.

  “You would assume right,” I confirmed.

  “Well, don’t leave me hanging, what did he say?” She asked impatiently, but I knew she was just curious. I could only imagine how I’d act if the situation were reversed.

  “In a nutshell?” I took a deep breath, preparing myself. “When we met, I was just supposed to be fun. He’s had her the entire time, I mean, obviously with them having a kid and all, I always knew that deep down, but hearing him say it hurt a whole lot worse.”

  I could feel the anger radiating from her in waves as she laid beside me, her fists clenching and unclenching and face contorting as she thought of what to say and processed the information.

  “He says he loves me, and that he’s given me as much of himself as he can,” I said, sharing a little more.

  Honestly? The night blended into one big crapfest that I never wanted to relive. Most of it felt like a dream, blurred and hazy, but what I could remember clearly made me want to jumpstart my heart. I wasn’t even sure it was beating much anymore. In the literal sense, sure, but I was almost certain it was broken beyond repair.

  “Dramatic much?” Becca said softly, reaching over to give my hand a squeeze. I looked at her, confused. “Yeah, you said that last part out loud.”

  “Huh. I thought that only happened in books.”

  She laughed, and I laughed with her. “It’s so good to hear that sound, Jade. You deserve to be happy.”

  “I thought I was.”

  “I think you wanted to be so badly that you let yourself believe it and settled for him, a guy who was never going to be good enough for you anyway.”

  “Your confidence in me is inspiring, Becca. Thanks for always having my back.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s what best friends are for.”

  When Monday rolled around, I got up, got dressed, did my hair and makeup, and went to school. My pain was hidden, my red-rimmed eyes not as noticeable. I was going through the motions, smiling and laughing like my heart hadn’t been tossed through a shredder.

  Look good, feel good, right? Right.

  I was hurting, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my day or my life. He was just a boy. But even as the thought crossed my mind, I knew he was anything but just that. I had fallen in love with someone I barely knew. Maybe it was my fault, maybe I should have known better and read the signs clearer, but it was too late for a do-over now. All I could do was accept what had happened, that he had used me and lied, and try to move on from it. All things healed with time, anyway. I mean, that’s what people said. I only hoped it was true and that time was gracious. I didn’t want to hurt this way forever. I could barely handle it in the now. I knew my worth, and I was worth more than what Sebastian Hayes had given me.

  I had to force myself out of my own head and into the present. I needed to distract myself somehow.

  “Jade Young, bestest friend in the whole entire world, how are you feeling?” Becca asked, wrapping me in an almost too-tight hug.

  I hmphed, but hugged her back just as fiercely.

  “I’m not okay, but I will be.” I pulled back, blinking away the tears that threatened to spill.

  “Has he tried contacting you?” She asked, a bite to her tone.

  “No, but it’s better this way. Space is good. It helps people grow apart.” I half-smiled. “I’m not even sure what we’d say to each other honestly. I don’t think there’s any bouncing back from this.”

  “Well, you won’t know unless you try,” she smiled reassuringly.

  “At this point, it just seems like a broken record, ya know? But you’re right. I owe it to us both to have this conversation. Again.” I groaned, irritated with our predicament. It was the same cycle over and over again, and I really wasn’t sure that it was worth it anymore. “Love sucks, you know that?”

  “Oh, I know,” she agreed. “But it’s better to have had it than to never experience it at all, isn’t that what people say? Or something along those lines?”

  “You’re too much sometimes.” I laughed.

  “Yeah, well, so are you. That’s what makes us so great. You’re worth more than what he’s giving you, and it’s time you figured that out.”

  I’m worth it.

  I smiled, a newfound confidence setting in.

  I was worth it, and I wasn’t going to be afraid of doing what was best for me. Even if that meant walking away from someone I had depended on for four years.

  He wasn’t much of a person to lean on, you know that Jade. I reminded myself.

  I deserved better. I had gone through this same thought process recently, but I meant it more then. I was more determined to change the course of our relationship, even if that meant letting him go.

  “I can’t stay mad at you when you’re looking at me like that.” I narrowed my eyes, glaring at his dimples and bright smile. He was about to win me over and he knew it. I needed to stay strong.

  “Right, sorry. Is this better?” He said, his smile turning into a pout.

  I rolled my eyes. “You’re so weird. And no, that isn’t better. It makes you look even cuter, and I’m doing my best to avoid that right now.”

  “I need more, Tian,” I said suddenly. “I need all of you or nothing at all. I can’t deal with this whole in-between thing. It makes me feel worthless and insecure when I am anything but.”

  “I know, Jade. I know.” He took a step toward me, sincerity in his eyes. “And I’ve thought about the things I said to you the other day, and I was wrong. I hadn’t given you everything I could, but starting now I will.”

  “I’m sorry for the things I said, Tian. I was hurt and angry, and I shouldn’t have attacked you the way I did.” I placed a hand against his chest, gently gripping the fabric of his shirt. “You’re not pathetic and I don’t regret meeting
you. How could I? It wasn’t all bad. You’re the first person I’ve ever loved.”

  “And the last,” he said softly, his lips brushing against the side of my cheek. “Just like you’re mine.”

  “Your way with words is seriously my weakness.” I wrapped my hands around his neck. “I can’t resist you when you’re being all sweet and stuff.”

  “I’m going to give you more, Jade. So much more you’re not going to know what hit you.” He leaned down, his lips stopping a breath away from mine.

  “You better, Sebastian Hayes, otherwise I’m out. I mean it. And I really don’t want that.”

  “I don’t either. You’re worth every risk, Jade Young, so worth it,” he whispered before pressing his lips against mine, the soft and steady of his touch causing my heart to melt and every doubt to disappear. It was easy to forget everything else when we were like this. It was bliss, like a perfect day at the beach, warm sun and clear skies.

  The problem? Even perfect beach days ended with sand in places that shouldn’t be named and sticky hair that took a week to wash clean.

  My phone was ringing. Why was it ringing? My eyes adjusted to the darkness and when I saw that it was just after midnight, I knew it had to be Tian. I smiled, answering the phone.

  “Hello,” I said, my voice hoarse from sleep.

  There was loud music and chatter on the other end.

  Had he butt dialed me? It wouldn’t have been the first time.

  “Hello?” I tried again.

  Just as I was about to hang up, someone responded.

  “Who is this?” It definitely wasn’t Tian. No. The voice was feminine and strong and angry. Definitely angry.

  “Uh, Jade.” I cleared my throat. “Who are you?”

  “Jessica. I’m the girl whose boyfriend you’ve been messaging and calling at all hours of the night,” she accused.

  “Excuse me?” I sat up in bed, trying to wrap my head around what was happening.

  “Tian. My boyfriend. We’ve been together since junior year of high school. We have a son together,” she said like it was information I should have known.