Even If It Breaks Me

by Dominique Laura

  And I did know. I was just confused on the current use of the term boyfriend.

  “I think you should talk to him about this,” I suggested lightly. “You two have been broken up for a long time now.”

  She laughed bitterly. “Are you kidding me? We’ve been solid for years. Sure, we’ve had our issues but we always find our way back. And anyway, I tried talking to him, he’s too drunk to give me a clear response.”

  “Oh.”

  “Oh? That’s all you have to say for yourself? I went through his phone, I know you two have been seeing each other behind my back.”

  “Behind your back?” I echoed numbly.

  “You’re the side chick, and it needs to stop. Now.”

  “Wait.” Nothing was making sense. “You know about me?”

  “Of course I do. He’s not as stealth as he thinks he is. I figured he just needed someone to talk to, a friend. I didn’t know you two had taken it this far.”

  “And how far would that be?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer, but the question slipped out anyway.

  “He’s in love with you, Jade. And he can’t be.” She sounded like she felt sorry for me. Her anger wasn’t as strong.

  Great. I was the other woman and she felt sorry for me. Was I dreaming or something? No. I couldn’t be that lucky.

  I cried silently, letting the tears fall freely. “So, you two are together?”

  “We have been for years,” she confirmed. “I’m only calling because he’s a jerk and I’ll confront him too when he’s more sober, but he wouldn’t shut up about you tonight. We haven’t always been okay, but I’m his future, and he’s mine. I let him have his fun but we’re older now and eventually we’ll get married. I found a ring in one of his drawers so I know he’s planning on proposing to me and that he’s already asked for my dad’s permission, so you need to leave him alone. There’s no place for you.”

  Jessica was being eerily calm about this.

  I, on the other hand, was freaking out. My heart pounded a mile a minute and sweat clammed my hands.

  He had promised to give me more when he had already promised the same thing to someone else, someone who had given him something more permanent than my heart—a child.

  It all made sense now. Every puzzle piece fell into place and the picture became clearer. I was his game, his sure thing, someone he knew would always be there when things didn’t work out with Jessica, the mother of his child.

  He had lied. Again. It seemed to be all he was good at.

  I wasn’t surprised. The tears that had been falling nonstop dried against my skin. I wouldn’t cry for him. It wasn’t worth the headache I’d get in the morning if I did.

  “You knew about me but you waited until now to say something? Why?” I asked, a little taken aback.

  “Because he needed to get you out of his system,” she said calmly. “But I think it’s gone on long enough now, don’t you?”

  “I’m sorry.” It was all I could say.

  I was the girl he cheated on her with, the girl he supposedly fell in love with, but she was his future, his present, and apparently his past. I was just woven in between those spots. For what? I’m not sure, and I’m not sure I wanted to know. It was done, and I couldn’t take it back, but I could change how it went forward.

  I would end it. For real this time. There really wasn’t any other option. Did I really want things to continue the way they had been? I had hoped they would change but I think deep down I always knew they wouldn’t.

  Sebastian Hayes was my first love, but he wouldn’t be my last. I’d need to remember that for this next part, for the goodbye.

  My chest deflated with the deep breath I released.

  “Jade?” Jessica was still on the line. I steeled myself for what she was going to say next. “I mean it. Stay away from my boyfriend. Or fiancé, since it won’t be long now. Like I said, you were just something he needed to get out of his system. But that’s done now. You’re a girl compared to us, a high school student. Did you really think you’d have a future with him?”

  With that, she hung up. I processed her words. Did I think I’d have a future with him? Maybe at one point, but I was smart enough to know that was never in the cards. Fate had a mind of her own, a plan etched in stone, and that plan didn’t include Tian and I together. I knew that, I always had, right? So then why did it feel like someone had torched my heart and tossed it into the ocean?

  I had planned on ending things anyway, I was going to have a talk with him and that would be it. Jessica’s words only confirmed that I was making the right choice and solidified that decision.

  Tian’s words were sweet. He always knew the right thing to say, but the thing with words is that they were just that—words. His actions didn’t mirror his verbal sentiments, and that had always been a red flag with me.

  So, again, why did it hurt so much? I had already decided to end things.

  No.

  That wasn’t true.

  Deep down I knew that he’d pull me back in the way he always had. I hoped he’d convince me to give him another chance, which I would have. I wouldn’t do that now. I couldn’t. I had to let him go. I had to push him away for good.

  You sound like a broken record again, Jade. Don’t you see a pattern here? You need to get it together. You’re stronger than this, than one boy. He isn’t the end of the world.

  No, but he sure felt like the end of mine.

  My phone started ringing again. With once glance at the caller name, I ignored it. Tian must have known she called and wanted to know what she said. Jessica could fill him in. But until tomorrow, when I said my piece, I had nothing to say.

  “Jade,” my name came out like a desperate plea on Tian’s lips.

  He took a step toward me, his arms reaching toward my body. I took a step back, avoiding his grasp.

  I shook my head. “Don’t touch me. You don’t have that right anymore.”

  “I didn’t know she called you until after she threw my phone at me,” he stressed, his eyes shining with unshed tears. I blinked my own away.

  This was goodbye. I had to be strong otherwise I’d never be able to go through with it.

  “I love you, and only you,” he tried again, his voice cracking. “Jade, you have to believe me. I don’t want her or anything to do with her.”

  “But you’re still with her,” I accused. “Aren’t you?”

  “Yes,” he hoarsely admitted. “But it’s complicated. It doesn’t mean anything though. She doesn’t mean to me what you do. Jade, you have to know that by now.”

  “Do I?” I questioned, scoffing at his sureness. “You haven’t done much to show me that you care. All I have are words, and sure, those are great, but I needed you to show me. So many times I flat out asked for it and it got us nowhere.”

  “I made an effort, Jade. I did.”

  “I know you did, and it was good for a while but it wasn’t enough.” I swallowed past the hurt. “It still isn’t.”

  He ran a hand over his face, visibly frustrated. “My biggest regret will always be giving her my body while you had my heart. I’m messed up, and I don’t deserve you. But I need you. So effing much, Jade. Tell me what to do to make this better. What can I do to win you back?”

  Nothing. The word flashed in my head before I had a chance to even process it.

  And that’s how I knew it was the truth. Without a doubt, without any hesitation, there wasn’t anything he could do to make it better. Not this time.

  “Are you in love with her?” I bravely asked, not really wanting the answer but needing it.

  Disgust and confusion filtered over his features. “How can you even ask me that, Jade?”

  “How can I not?” I countered. “And that’s not answering the question.”

  “No,” he said confidently. “I’m not in love with her. The day I met you, those feelings disappeared.”

  “So, what? She’s someone you use to keep your bed warm since I haven�
�t given myself to you like that? Is it any wonder? I’m honestly glad I haven’t.”

  He looked pained. I itched to comfort him but fought against it. This conversation was long overdue. I wasn’t about to hold anything back.

  “I would never ask you to, Jade,” he whispered. “I used her, and I’m not proud of that.”

  “For her body, you mean?” I asked, disgusted. “So, you used me for my heart then? It’s a shame you couldn’t take care of it the right way.”

  “I don’t know what she said to you last night, but she and I aren’t together. We do what we need to for Shane, but that’s it.”

  “She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.” I shook my head, the conversation coming back in waves. “Well, there were a few things.”

  “Okay. Like what?” He sounded nervous.

  Good. He should have been.

  “Like how she found the ring you were planning on proposing to her with and how you asked for her father’s permission,” I said with a straight face, ignoring the stabbing pain in my chest.

  Tian’s brows pulled together before rising to his hairline. “What. The hell. Are you. Talking about?”

  “She told me about the ring she found.”

  “And where did she find this ring?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, growing defensive. “It’s not like I asked her for all the details. I was too stunned to really say much of anything, you jerk.”

  “Jade,” his voice softened, and he took a step toward me. This time I didn’t step back. “That ring she found? It was for you.”

  My eyes widened. “That doesn’t many any sense.”

  “No?” His lips quirked up. “Why not? I love you, Jade Young. I’ve always been honest about that. I love who you are, the person you’ve grown into since the day we first met. I love everything you have to offer. And you love me. So, tell me, what doesn’t make any sense about that?”

  “I’m seventeen,” I argued, weakly.

  “Only for a couple more days.”

  “You remember my birthday?” I asked, wonderment clear in my tone.

  Tian chuckled and lifted his hands toward my face, holding both cheeks between his palms. I let him, melting into his warmth.

  This is home. I shook my head. Not for long.

  “I was waiting until your eighteenth birthday, even told my mom about you and everything,” he said with a small smile.

  I blinked rapidly, confused at what he was saying. “You told your mom about us?”

  “Of course I did.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. “She and I are close, and I wanted her to know about you. About my future wife.”

  Butterflies transformed in my stomach and fluttered to my heart. I tried to ignore them, to focus on the last four years, on the ways he had wronged me, and not the romantic version of himself he was presenting now.

  I remained silent, staring at him.

  “She told me she was glad I had finally found someone like you.”

  I pressed my hands against his chest, fully intent on pushing him away, but instead I pulled him closer, reveling in the sweetness of his words and the comfort of his touch.

  “Jade, you’re who I want to be with always, not someone superficial and demanding like Jessica. Sure, we have a kid together, but that’s it. I’m done with her. I promise you. The only person I want in my bed, wearing my tee shirts, is you.”

  His words were sweeter than usual, but they didn’t change anything.

  I pulled away from him, my body protesting at the loss of contact. “More words, Tian?”

  “I can back them up with actions if you would just give me some time,’ he pleaded. “Please.”

  “Time? That’s all we’ve had and look where that’s gotten us.” I gestured around his, making my disappointment clear.

  “I’m going to do better, Jade. I’m going to change.” He promised. But unlike all the other times before, I didn’t believe him.

  “Tian, we have to move on with our lives. Without each other.” I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. “I can’t keep doing this with you. I’m going off to college in a few months, and I don’t want to continue this back and forth of pain and empty, broken promises. I deserve better than that. I’m worth more than how you’ve treated me.”

  He shook his head, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. “Jade, this whole thing is messed up, and I’m sorry. Okay?”

  “It is. It really is, Tian.” I swiped away a few stray, angry tears. “I love you, I do, but I’m not even sure it’s love at all.”

  “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  “No.” I shook my head, denying his words. “If you did, you would have fought for me long before now. I let so many things slide because I hoped you’d change, that you’d make more of an effort to really be with me, but you never did. I was convenient, but that’s all it was, wasn’t it? You needed someone when things got rough with Jessica or whoever, but you would have been fine either way, with or without me.”

  “Give me a chance, Jade. Please.” He begged, a tear trickling from the corner of his eye.

  I looked away, willing myself to stand my ground.

  I’m strong. I’m worth more than what he’s given. It hurts now, but I’ll be fine. I will.

  “Jade?”

  I refused to look at him. “Tian, I can’t. Not anymore. My soul has been put through the wringer and I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I won’t survive it. I know I won’t. This ends now.”

  He looked like he wanted to argue some more, but he didn’t. His shoulders deflated and he nodded his head, defeat clear in his eyes.

  His hands reached for mine, lacing his fingers through my own. He squeezed once, twice, three times before leaning down to press a soft kiss to my lips.

  This was goodbye.

  For good.

  My heart cracked, a piece of it latching onto his own heart.

  It was the end, but I always knew we had an expiration date. If anything, it lasted longer than I thought it would.

  I breathed into his kiss, giving him the rest of my love. He could have it. I wouldn’t survive if I kept it.

  Don’t forget about me.

  I won’t forget about you.

  I’m not sure who communicated what, but it was true both ways I suppose. I never would forget him. He was my first love, the first and only to make his mark on my heart. That wasn’t something a person could forget no matter how hard they tried.

  “Oh, Jade, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Becca whispered against my ear, her arms wrapping me in a tight hug.

  I cried, releasing every emotion. Pain. Frustration. Doubt. I felt it all in that moment even though I knew I had made the right decision. I would feel better about it in the long run, but I needed time to process, to grieve the love I had just let go of. I was only human, after all.

  “It hurts, Becca. It hurts so much. I’m going to miss him,” I sobbed against her shoulder, my body shaking from the memory of what had happened shortly before.

  After our kiss, Tian and I had separated, going our own ways. I didn’t look back, I couldn’t. Even when I felt his eyes blazing into my back and begging me to turn around, I couldn’t. I kept walking, ignoring the pull he had on me.

  “I know, I know.” She rubbed my back. “And your heart might feel broken now, but it’ll heal. You’re going to heal. I promise.”

  I nodded. The hurt in my throat was too thick to speak over, so I didn’t say anything. Instead, I let my best friend hold me and I prayed to whoever was listening that my fate was better than this because though he wasn’t the best, what if he was it for me? I’d never know. Not anymore.

  At some point, we had fallen asleep. I turned over to find Becca lightly snoring. I smiled, shaking my head. I wiped my eyes and cleared my nose, taking a deep breath. My phone buzzed from beside me. I squinted my eyes, seeing Tian’s name flash on the screen. He had tried texting a couple times before that, but when those went una
nswered, he tried calling. After the umpteenth time ignoring his calls, I blocked his number from my phone and his social media accounts—though he wasn’t very active—from mine, deleting every message and photo I could find. I didn’t want anything that would remind me of him. I got rid of it all. It felt liberating in a way, more final.

  Someday I’d regret the late-night decision to rid him from my life, but by then it would be too late. He would already be gone, several states away, probably living happily ever after with his wife and son.

  Fate was cruel, but she knew what she was doing. She had to because I was trusting her to lead me down the right path.

  My stomach was in literal knots. Since the day I had started high school, I’d heard stories about this day, mostly from my parents, but they were still stories. Some were encouraging while others were scary as hell. It was my first day of college. I was attending a university far enough away from home that I wouldn’t be tempted to go home every other weekend but close enough so that if I needed to, I could easily make it home within a few hours.

  The best part? I’d have Becca with me. We weren’t lucky enough to get the same room, but at least we were in the same building on the same floor. That was better than what we thought we’d get.

  As I stood on the steps of my dorm building, I took it all in. The smell of freshly cut grass, the sounds of rowdy, excited college students, and the feeling of excitement that had made a permanent home in my body.

  This was it, what I had been waiting my whole life to experience. Flatts University prided itself on being a school of diversity and that was one of the main reasons I chose to attend. Well, that and the fact that the financial aid package was greater than what the other schools had offered.

  “Honey, I’ve never been more proud of you,” My mother said with a smile, the corners of her eyes crinkling. She had always been my biggest support, and I loved her for that. It made me feel guilty about keeping such a big part of my life from her.

  Stop. He’s not part of your life anymore. You’ve gotta let him go.