Even If It Breaks Me

by Dominique Laura

  “Alright, man, these girls in the corner with short skirts have been staring us down since we got here.” I rolled my eyes at the interruption. Jake didn’t seem like the type of guy to mind his own business, but I was grateful for the distraction. Dylan didn’t need to be wasting his time on me. We had just met, and though I felt an immediate connection with him the way I had with Tian, I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. “What do you say we go over and introduce our tongues to their throats?”

  “Jake, such a way with words,” I sassed.

  Dylan shook his head in mock disgust as he stood up to leave. “You’re lucky you’re my best friend, otherwise I’d punch you for being so disrespectful.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Jake said, turning toward me and Becca. “I’ll be seeing you ladies later.”

  “Thanks for the company, Jade.” Dylan gave me a secret smile, and I shot him one back, ignoring the parts of me that wanted to beg him to stay. I released a sigh as he walked with Jake toward the group of girls in the back of the shop.

  “Boys will be boys.” Becca sat beside me, disappointment clear in her eyes.

  “Crushing on Jake?” I teased.

  “Crushing on Dylan?” She shot back.

  “Far from it,” I said with a shrug, trying to play it coy. “I hardly know him.”

  “You’re not fooling anyone, it’s okay to like someone again. Besides, you don’t have to know someone to fall for them. Sometimes all it takes is smile, a wink, and a set of captivating eyes to draw you in and never let go.” She had a dreamy look in her eyes as she said it, so I knew she was in deep.

  “Wow, that bad huh?”

  She bumped her shoulder into mine. “Isn’t it always?”

  She had a point. Falling in love felt a lot like free falling and most of the time you had no idea if you’d land on both feet or not. But it was worth it, wasn’t it? It had to be.

  I took a drink of my soda, doing my best to stare at anything other than the scene unfolding in front of me. A stab of jealousy probed at my insides, but I pushed it aside. I had no reason to feel envy. I didn’t even know him. But Becca was right. Those eyes were captivating.

  A knock sounded at the door and I cursed myself for not being ready on time for my first official day of college. I glanced at the clock on my desk. At least I still had thirty minutes before I needed to be there. Huh. I thought I had less time than that.

  I pulled open the door to a cheery Becca.

  “No roommate?” She asked, stepping into the small dorm room.

  “She had an early class,” I said with a shrug. Truthfully, I hadn’t seen much of my roommate since move-in day. We mostly kept to ourselves. I was sure that would bother me more if I didn’t have Becca with me, but thankfully I did.

  “I’m so glad our classes are at decent hours. We definitely scored in that area.” Her smile turned toothy as she assessed my outfit. “Nice. Fitted blue jeans and a summery top. I like it.”

  I rolled my eyes. “What are you doing here? Isn’t your class on the opposite end of campus? You should be running there by now.”

  Becca sat on the edge of my bed, swinging her feet back and forth. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. You’re my safety net here, and I’m really nervous about our first day.”

  “Don’t be. It’s going to be amazing.” I promised, pulling my hair into a messy, but stylish, ponytail. “Most people don’t have anyone from home with them. I’m grateful we do.”

  “I am, too.” Her tone was soft but then turned annoyed. “Random, but my roommate has been driving me insane.”

  “Still not getting along?”

  “I swear she has a stick buried up her nose or something.” She huffed. “I don’t get why she hates me so much.”

  “Maybe she’s just getting adjusted. Give it some time.” I suggested.

  “Probably, but things are great with Erin, right?”

  “They’re okay. We mostly do our own thing, but it’s better than the alternative, which is not getting along. We’re friendly, so that’s a plus, I think.”

  “Why do you have to be so drop dead gorgeous, Jade?”

  I rolled my eyes, not saying anything. I didn’t take compliments well, and she knew that.

  “Oh, come on, like you don’t know it,” she teased.

  “I don’t.” My arms crossed over my chest. “But I could say the same about you.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Is this about to turn into some kind of compliment war? Because if so, I’m ready.”

  She pretended to crack her knuckles as if preparing for a fight. I rolled my eyes, laughing at her goofiness.

  Becca looked thoughtful for a moment. “So, any big plans for the day?”

  “Just school, always school.” I checked through my book bag, making sure I had everything I needed.

  “What class do you have right now?”

  “Literature. Classic Literature.” I smiled so big it hurt my cheeks. I loved books and, as typical as it was, Jane Austen had been my favorite writer for as long as I could remember. There was never a dull moment when reading her books.

  “Why, Jade, your bookworm is showing.”

  “Hilarious. But you know that with everything I’ve been through, the book world provides a healthy escape, one that I frequently need.”

  “I know, I know.” She smiled sympathetically.

  I smiled back, pulling the strap of my bag up my shoulder. I shoved my phone into my pocket, along with my key card, and took one final glance in the mirror. I looked decent enough. Hopefully not too much like a first-year student, but I was comfortable and that was all that mattered.

  “Seriously, I’d jump through a ring of fire for your looks.” Becca commented.

  “And I’d do the same for yours.”

  “Huh, maybe we should swap bodies for the day.”

  Becca’s lack of filter was one of my favorite things about her. We all needed that one friend who wasn’t afraid to speak their mind.

  “I’ve got to head to class.” I opened the door to leave.

  “Yeah, I guess I should get going, too.” She sighed. “I’ll catch you later? I’d walk with you but our classes are on opposite ends, so, that sucks.”

  We walked down to the front entrance together, waving goodbye. I barely took two steps down the sidewalk when I spotted Erin about to pass me.

  “Hey,” I greeted. “How was your first class?”

  “It was okay, we mostly just sat there going over the syllabus.” She shrugged.

  We stood there in uncomfortable silence. I went to step around her, ready to say goodbye, when Jake appeared shirtless beside us.

  “Ladies,” he said, a too-big smile on his face.

  “Jake.” My voice was polite. He smirked at that then redirected his attention to Erin. “So, I heard some news about you.”

  She stuck her chin out, resting a hand on her hip. “And what news is that?”

  He shot me a look from the corner of his eye. I couldn’t decipher what he was trying to tell me but it probably wasn’t anything good anyway.

  “I heard you slept with my boy.”

  My head whipped toward Erin, whose eyes had widened.

  Did he just say what I think he did? I’m sure she didn’t want her business put on blast like that so, as her roommate, I stepped in.

  “I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Jake,” I said defensively.

  He turned to face me. “No, you’re right. But it might be yours.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, slightly wary of his response.

  “Jake.” Erin warned, a crack in her voice.

  What the heck does Jake have to do with anything?

  Jake turned his attention on me. “Red here slept with Dylan.”

  I had to swallow the painful ball in my throat to keep from breaking down. He wasn’t mine. I had no claim over him. Sure, we had flirted and smiled at one another when we passed each other on our way out of the building but th
at was it. We had had little interaction since the pizza parlor a few days ago. I took a deep breath.

  “I really should be getting to class.” I gave them both a tight smile.

  Jake smirked, knowing full well what he had just done.

  Erin looked like she was about to pass out, either from guilt or embarrassment, but who really knew. She reached out to stop me as I walked away but I just shook my head at her, continuing on my way to class. I didn’t need to deal with this. He was just a boy, and we were just starting college. We were friends. That was all I had space for anyway. I was shocked, sure, but the pain wasn’t from them. It was from the reminder Jake’s revelation brought, the reminder about what Tian had put me through not too long before.

  I made it to class with five minutes to spare, grateful that I had left when I did and that the little show outside our building hadn’t prevented me from being on time to class.

  I sat in a seat near the window. I loved people watching and the window was the perfect place to sit. As other students trickled in with no professor at the front of the class yet, I pulled my notebook and pencil holder out of my bag and placed them on the desk. As I opened the notebook to a fresh, empty page, I felt a body sit in the empty seat beside me, scooting their desk slightly closer to mine.

  “Jade.” I turned toward the voice, a smile immediately tugging on my lips. I knew who it was before my eyes even connected with his. But as they did, as his blue irises shined, a sense of relief took over. I wasn’t affected by him and Erin hooking up. That was a good thing.

  “Hi. I wouldn’t have taken you for a literature guy.” I commented.

  “I’m usually not, but I wanted to give it a try.” He leaned back in his seat, a smile etched on his face. “And I have to admit, I’m glad I did.”

  I willed the butterflies in my stomach to stop their fluttering. He couldn’t affect me like this. I couldn’t let him. Friends were platonic, right? Right. So, that’s what we’d be. Besides, he had slept with my roommate. And as far as girl codes went, that was a hard pass. You did not hook up or crush on boys who your friends had already had a thing with. That just didn’t happen.

  “Class, I am Professor Caleb.”

  Grateful for the interruption, I focused my attention on the front of the class where a tall, lanky man stood with glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose. He jumped into an introduction about the course and the types of books we would be reading that semester. Through it all, I felt a pair of rays burning into the side of my face but not once did I waver. I wouldn’t get sucked into the beautiful vortex that were his eyes. No way.

  Instead, I listened intently to the lecture and took notes like my life depended on it. “This isn’t an easy course, so I’d like you to partner up with someone. You’ll be each other’s help when you need it, be it studying, class notes, or homework.”

  I felt Dylan’s excitement beside me and knew he was going to choose me. I sighed. It did make sense. Looking around, he was the only person I knew or recognized in the class.

  “I will pass around a sheet of paper and I would like you to write your name and the name of the person you want to partner up with. These will be your partners for the duration of the semester. Exchange contact information if you need to.”

  “Looks like you’re stuck with me.” Dylan’s breath brushed against my ear.

  When had he gotten that close?

  “Yay.” I feigned interest. “Lucky me.”

  “Did I do something wrong?” He asked, keeping his voice low. His eyebrows knitted closely together.

  “No, not at all.” I gave him a close-lipped smile before writing our names on the sheet of paper in front of me.

  Passive aggressive much, Jade?

  I took a deep breath, gathering myself. I didn’t have to be short with him. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He wasn’t Tian, I reminded myself.

  He nodded, a look of confusion contorting his beautiful features.

  Maybe in another life or if Tian hadn’t torn apart my heart the way that he did then maybe things would have been different, but they weren’t.

  “I’m sorry,” I said quietly, apologizing. He really didn’t deserve my shortness. “I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I’m just not very good at this, at being friends with a guy.”

  “It’s okay.” He gave me a small, encouraging smile. “Neither am I, remember? At being friends with guys.”

  I laughed loudly, the noise surprising my own ears. I looked around at the curious looks my classmates sent my way. It was going to an interesting semester.

  “Becca, why do we have to go to this movie night thing?” I fell back on the bed, pulling a pillow over my head. “I just want to stay in and read.”

  “Well, the movie is based off of a book, so it’s basically the same thing.” She sounded so sure of herself. I nearly growled and threw the pillow at her head.

  Instead, I sat up straight. “It is so not the same thing and you know it.”

  “Yeah,” she said with a laugh. “But it got you to get up, didn’t it?”

  I sent her a glare. “Comparing books and movies is no joking matter.”

  “Can you just please get up? We’ve got some boys to cuddle with.” She wiggled her brows.

  “You mean, you have some boys to cuddle with,” I said pointedly.

  “No, I definitely mean you too,” she said with a smirk. “You’re on the fast track to winning Dylan’s heart.”

  “Right.” I rolled my eyes. “That’s about as likely as a kangaroo going on vacation in the middle of the ocean.”

  “That’s not likely at all.” Her face scrunched.

  “Case and point, my lovely friend.”

  “Will you please just come with me? It’s downstairs in the common lounge so you don’t even have to change.” She pressed her hands together in front of her chest. “Pretty please?”

  I looked down at the plaid shirt and cow-printed shorts I had on. “That’s comforting. I just don’t know if I’m ready, Becca.”

  “I know you’re still hurting over Tian and that it’s still really fresh, but you have to at least try to move on. Like I said before, maybe a little fun is exactly what you need.”

  “You’re right.” And she was. She really was. “But Dylan’s not the type of guy I can just have fun with. What if I fall for him?”

  “Then you fall, and you hope that he catches you on the way down.”

  “It’s scary though, Becca. I’m scared.” I admitted softly.

  “The best things in life are usually the things we’re most afraid of,” she said quietly.

  “Wow,” I breathed. “Your way with words never ceases to amaze me.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m good like that. So, what do you say, Jade?” She looked hopeful. Of course, I gave in.

  “Now, that handsome hunk is waiting on you downstairs.”

  “Handsome hunk?” I asked with a tilt of my head. It was easier to play dumb than it was to admit that I was starting to get excited at the idea of him waiting on me.

  “You know dang well who I’m referring to.”

  “Yeah, but you’re fun to mess with.” I stood from the bed and headed toward the door. “You make it so easy.”

  “Jade,” Dylan whispered against my temple and pulled the side of my body against his. I could have melted. I almost did. “Becca said you didn’t want to come.”

  “I almost didn’t.” I bit my lip to conceal my smile.

  “Well, I’m glad you did.” His lips brushed against my skin as he spoke. The warmth of his breath against the surface made me want to stay put. But then I remembered how bad this could potentially turn out. I slowly moved away from him, keeping my smile in place.

  “Jade?”

  “Mmm?”

  “Are you alright?” His voice held concern. I didn’t want it.

  I shook off the devil on my shoulder trying to push me toward him. “Yeah, I’m all right.”

  “Are you sure?” His eyes searc
hed mine for an honest answer. I wasn’t sure I wanted to give him one. I must have taken too long to respond because he grabbed my hand and laced his fingers through mine. “Sit with me during the movie?”

  Ugh. Did he have to be so sweet? Was he even real? What type of alternate universe had I stepped into?

  It was just a movie. Besides, I really didn’t have anything more to lose. “Sure.”

  I let him lead me to a spot in the back of the room, a spot slightly secluded from all of the rest. He sat on a couch cushion placed on the floor and pulled me into his lap. I laughed and placed my hands on his shoulders to keep from losing my balance. We were eye level like this. His ocean-like eyes still searching mine. It was easy to forget about my broken heart when we were like this, to forget that I was still healing from the damage Tian had left when he walked away. So easy that I moved my fingers to the back of his neck and brushed them against the ends of his hair. He was gorgeous. He was sweet. He was easy to be around. He was more than I thought I’d find, and nothing that I could ever have. But maybe I could enjoy his company, maybe Becca had been right when she said the best way to get over someone was to find someone new. Just maybe a rebound wouldn’t be so bad.

  “I’m glad we’re friends Jade.” He pressed a kiss to the edge of my lips.

  I looked around to see if anyone had noticed our intimate position. They hadn’t. At some point between our greeting and sitting down, the lights had been turned off and the movie had started.

  “Me too,” I whispered loud enough for only him to hear. “So glad.”

  “You know, I’ve been thinking.”

  “About what?”

  “I think we should try this.”

  “This?” I questioned. What exactly is he suggesting right now?

  “We should try to be more than friends.”

  “I’m listening,” I said softly, keeping my mind open.

  “I don’t like to do the more than friends thing. It’s easier to hook up and forget. I had a bad break up before moving here and I don’t want another one.”