Even If It Breaks Me

by Dominique Laura

  For a Friday night, the scene was pretty tame, but in a few hours, it’d be damn near difficult to move or even breathe in this place. I hoped we left before that happened.

  “We’re twenty-four, Jade,” Becca stressed. “This is what we should be doing, enjoying our lives and experiencing a night out on the town.”

  “I’m just not in the right headspace right now, Becca,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

  She looked at me with a sadness in her eyes. “You’re probably going to cringe at me for this, but what do you think Dylan’s doing right now? Do you even know where he went?”

  “No,” I said honestly. “But to be fair, I didn’t ask.”

  “Well judging from where he checked in on social media, it isn’t sitting in a hotel room, playing cards with his buddies,” she said bluntly. “Ever since Tian came back into your life you’ve been acting like a sixteen-year-old clueless girl, and that’s not who you are. You’ve come such a long way from who you were before, don’t let this blip on a radar ruin the life you’ve built with Dylan.”

  “What if it already has?” I asked, feeling helpless.

  “Then you’ll work through it, but there’s nothing you can do about it now, so let’s have fun and put those worries aside,” she said with a smile. “I promise they’ll still be there for you to deal with at the end of the night.”

  She had a point. I was worrying myself, causing the ache in my chest all on my own. I needed to let go and live, if even for a few hours. I wasn’t the person I was even a week ago, and that bugged me. I was letting one person dictate my life in a negative way, just like I had before.

  That stopped now.

  I needed to make a decision, and I needed to not let said decision affect my relationship with Dylan.

  He had gone on a weekend trip with friends. There wasn’t any crime in that. And usually I wouldn’t have paid it much mind, but the Tian situation had me all twisted and wrecked.

  I needed to get my stuff together. My behavior wasn’t acceptable.

  Would I ever learn? Probably not. But I was a glutton for punishment, apparently.

  “Fine,” I conceded. “Let’s make the night ours.”

  “Woo!” She pulled me into a hug. “Also, I’m really proud of us for having a heart-to-heart conversation in the middle of a club while the music is blasting.”

  I laughed, returning her hug. “Right? Look at us all grown up.”

  We spend the next hour sipping on fruity drinks, dancing, and people watching. There was the occasional brush off when men tried to create conversation with us, but once my sparkling ring was spotted, they backed off quicker than a scared cat. It was hysterical, and at some point, Becca had turned it into a game, testing out how quickly each one would back away after catching sight of my left ring finger.

  I loved it.

  “Who knew your ring would provide so much entertainment tonight?” She mused, laughing out loud. “Remind me to thank Dylan when he comes back, yeah?”

  I laughed along with her before realizing that he hadn’t tried to contact me once that day. Not a text to let me know he had gotten there safely or a call to say he missed my voice. Nothing. I had learned from Becca, who refused to let me stalk social media for what he was up to, that he was in Las Vegas. When I asked if it looked like he was having a good time—to, ya know, gather more information—she said yes. Nothing more, nothing less. Which was why I needed to skip away to the bathroom or call it an early night. Either way, I needed to give my man a call, and I couldn’t do that there.

  “Jade?” Becca questioned, trying to get my attention.

  I looked at her, an instinctual smile pulling at my lips. “Yeah?”

  “Everything is going to be okay,” she said softly. “I promise.”

  And because best friends knew best, I resisted the urge to check my phone and leave, instead enjoying the rest of my night.

  That comfort disappeared when I fell onto the cold, empty bed that Dylan and I shared. Even while we slept beside each other, I still felt a million miles away from the person I claimed as home.

  I pulled out my phone, disappoint settling in when the I saw the blank notification screen. So, I dialed his number. It was nearing one in the morning, but I knew that if he was with Jake—that’s right, he had chosen the jerk as his best man, and no, he hadn’t matured much—and his other close friends that he was definitely awake.

  It rang a few times, and when I was sure he wasn’t going to pick up, he did.

  “Hey, gorgeous girl,” Dylan’s voice slid through the phone.

  I sunk into our sheets, a feeling of contentment taking root in my body. “Hi.”

  “How was your night?” He asked, sounding calm as ever. “Becca told me you two went out tonight. I hope she didn’t force you into anything too crazy.”

  I laughed. “She didn’t, but how did you know we went out?”

  “Come on, Jade, you really thought I’d leave for the weekend without checking up on my girl?” I could hear his smile through the phone.

  “Your girl?” I repeated. “I thought you were mad at me, that this trip was just the perfect excuse for us to take some time apart.”

  “No,” he said gently. “The boys really did have a surprise planned. Did you really think that?”

  “Well, yeah,” I told him honestly. “I mean, I haven’t heard from you since you left this morning. I’d be lying if I said your silence didn’t worry me.”

  He sighed, and I could picture him shaking his head at me. “Jade, I was giving you your space today because I thought that would be best, not because I was angry with you.”

  “How are you even real?” I asked, in awe of his compassion and understanding.

  “My parents raised me right.” Dylan chuckled. “But Jade? You and me? We’re good. You’re my soulmate.”

  My heart raced at his words. They’re what I needed to hear.

  I repeated them back and felt a weight lift. “You’re my soulmate.”

  He was silent for a few beats. “You’re not going to like what I have to say next, but I need to say it.”

  “Okay,” I whispered, unsure of where this was going.

  “I need you to figure out this thing with Tian,” he said gently. “I need you to close that part of your life, Jade. I don’t like where my head went when you told me he had contacted you—had kissed you.”

  “Dylan—” I tried, dreading where this was headed.

  “Just hear me out, okay?” His voice was steady and calm, a direct contrast to the swarm of emotions I was feeling. “I’m not angry. I mean, I was hurt when you first told me, but he was an important person in your life. At some point, he was your whole life.”

  “You’re my whole life, Dylan.”

  “I know, I do, but I’m not sure you’ve gotten the closure you were searching for yet. I’m not sure if he’s here to stay or if you two are going to be the best of friends now or what but I need you to figure it.” He wasn’t saying this to be cruel, but it still felt like a knife was slicing through my heart. “Take this weekend to get that closure, okay? Figure some things out. I’ll still be here, Jade, always. We can talk about it when I get back, okay?”

  “I hate that you’re right,” I grumbled. “I don’t want to see him again, but you’re right, I haven’t gotten the closure I need. I thought I had, but having him randomly pop up was confusing, to say the least.”

  “I’ll see you in two days, alright?”

  “Alright.”

  “But, Jade? If his lips go anywhere near yours again, I’m going to have to confront the dude,” he said sternly, and I knew he meant that.

  Though, honestly, Tian didn’t stand a chance against Dylan. He embodied everything a real man should: strength, compassion, heart, honesty. He was the very definition of a gentle man. I wasn’t even sure I deserved him, but I was going to fight like hell to keep him, that was for damn sure, even if that meant meeting with Tian to figure out … well, everything.

>   Becca was reluctant to admit it at first, but she agreed with Dylan’s stance on me getting closure with Tian. For real this time. The thought alone made my skin itch, but I knew they were both right. I needed to close that door for good. But to be fair, I thought I already had, but having Tian pop up out of nowhere with his sweet, meaningless words made me realize that I definitely had not.

  Which was why I was currently sitting at an empty park bench waiting for Sebastian Hayes, also known as the last person I wanted to be spending any time with.

  Tian casually strolled up, a dimple-enhancing smile on his face. “Jade, I was surprised when you called.”

  I gave him a tight, close-lipped smile. “Well, not as surprised as I am, let me tell you that.”

  “Are you ever going to tell me why, or?” He asked, deep brows lifting up.

  “I’m getting married soon, and you’re supposed to be my past, not my future, Tian,” I told him, not holding anything back. “I never thought I’d ever see you again or that you’d put me in a position where I doubted my relationship with Dylan.”

  “You doubt him?” His lips quirked in a half smile.

  “No, that was a poor choice of words,” I denied, shaking my head. “It just took me back ten years ago, and that isn’t fair to me or Dylan. It was actually really confusing if I’m being honest. The girl I was then is long gone. She disappeared when you did.”

  “I didn’t disappear, Jade.”

  “No, but you might as well have.”

  “Okay, so, what do you want?” He asked, frowning.

  “I want us to find whatever closure we need and leave each other in the past, where we both belong,” I said, my voice holding steady. “Because based on what you said and how you acted when we first met up again, well, it’s clear you still have some stuff to work through too.”

  “I never wanted to lose you, Jade.”

  “Yeah, but you did. And you’re never getting me back,” I said bluntly. “So, let’s talk it out or do whatever it is we need to and move on with our lives, okay?”

  “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

  “Nope, because whether you like it or not, you’re going back to where you belong, and that’s in in the past.” I crossed my arms over my chest, growing slightly defensive.

  He looked like he was mulling over my words. I just sat there, staring wordlessly at him, waiting for him to say something—anything.

  “Okay,” he agreed, nodding his head. “Let’s get out of each other’s systems and move on like we never were.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be dramatic. Obviously you played a significant role in my life. I’ll never forget that, Tian. We just weren’t meant to be.”

  “Let’s agree to disagree on that one,” he stated, brown eyes holding onto mine.

  “Fine,” I said, unfolding my arms and softening my posture.

  “Fine,” he repeated. A smirk spread on his face, deepening his dimple.

  I couldn’t help but smirk back.

  As much of a jerk as he was, he had also been sweet. Albeit a bit manipulative at times, he had made me happy. It wasn’t something I had ever forgotten, even when I disliked him most.

  I had a weekend to get closure. I only hoped it wouldn’t backfire.

  “That’s right, you’re a dad,” I mused, looking over at him as he sat on the swing beside me. “How is that?”

  “It’s great,” a wistful look transformed his face. “He’s an amazing kid.”

  “He’s, what, around eight-ish now?” I asked, trying to mentally do the math in my head.

  “Yeah, but he’ll be nine soon.” He sounded so proud. “He’s incredibly smart and adventurous, Jade. A real risk taker. He looks just like me, too, it’s insane. It’s like watching myself grow up or something.”

  “That’s amazing,” I said, genuinely meaning it. “And hey, he’s lucky to have you as a father. You had your faults, but I can only imagine how good you are with him. It couldn’t have been easy, ya know?”

  “It wasn’t,” he said, lost in thought for a moment. “But it was worth it. Jessica didn’t stick around for long.”

  “She didn’t?”

  “Nah.” He shook his head. “She took off, went off to an out-of-state college and I stayed local. If it weren’t for my parents, I’m not sure how I would have done it on my own.”

  “You would have found a way,” I added softly. “And you would have done just as well, that I know.”

  “Yeah?” He asked, lips tilting up in a smile.

  “Yeah,” I confirmed. “I have a feeling you’re a really great dad, Tian. And that makes me so, incredibly proud because it means you found your way.”

  “It wasn’t easy,” he said, shaking his head. “After things with you and I went south, I felt lost. I know it was my fault and that I didn’t treat you the way that someone should be, but you meant a lot to me. You were seared on my heart, as lame as that sounds.”

  “No, I get it,” I said, pulling on my bottom lip nervously. “We were a huge part of each other’s lives. It makes sense.”

  “It took me a long time to move on from you, to stop beating myself up over the decisions I made while we were together.”

  “It’s okay,” I shrugged, not wanting to turn it into a big deal.

  “No, it’s not, Jade.” His hands clenched around the swings straps. His eyes held mine, sincerity clear as the blue skies above us. “I’m sorry. For everything. I have no excuse, and I can’t change what happened, but know that I truly am sorry for everything I put you through.”

  I smiled, tears blurring my vision. His apologies before had felt half-true compared to this one. It caused the still-bruised parts of my heart to heal over, closing all wounds so that there were no more.

  “Thank you, Tian. Seriously.” I released a shaky breath. “You don’t know how much that means to me.”

  I reached a hand out, clasping it over his.

  “If it feels half as good to hear as it did to say, then I think I have a pretty good idea,” he said, smiling goofily at me.

  “We can’t change the past, Tian, but we can learn from it and move on,” I said, realization setting in. “That wasn’t something I had actually done. I never fully let you go, not like I let myself believe.”

  Saying those words out loud, I realized just how honest they were. A part of me still held onto Tian and the history we shared together. It showed in the dreams I sometimes had of him or the thoughts that occasionally drifted to him and the questions that I’d have at the most random moments, wondering about him and his life. It was toxic that I did that to myself, but what’s messed up is I hadn’t realized I was doing it. It had recently stopped though, but that could have been fate’s messed up way of telling me she was going to toss Tian back into my life. The ultimate test, I assumed.

  “Jade?” Tian asked, laughing slightly. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything is fine,” I told him. “I just realized that I never fully let you go before, not the way I thought I did. I feel … good. That probably sounds really weird.”

  “No, I get it. I’m sorry about the kiss and for telling you how to live your life, I can tell this guy means a lot to you, and I shouldn’t have tried so come between that,” he explained. “I was checking up on you, which sounds creepy, but I just wanted to see how you were, ya know? That’s when I saw the picture you posted from when you first got engaged. It felt like someone had grabbed my heart and tossed it onto a frying pan or something, that’s how bad it hurt.”

  “That’s some analogy,” I quipped, trying to break some of the tension. It worked because he smiled, his features smoothing out from the movement.

  “Yeah, well, I what can I say? You bring out the poet in me.”

  “Oh, please, you can get out of here with that,” I groaned, rolling my eyes. “So, is there someone special in your life?”

  “There is,” Tian admitted. “Her name’s Cammie, and she’s a nurse. She’s the best thin
g that’s ever happened to me, aside from my son, of course. No offense.”

  “None taken.” I laughed. “A nurse, huh? Your mom must love that.”

  “She does, trust me,” he said with a chuckle. “She’s going to freak when I tell her about what I did when I first reached out to you.”

  “With good reason, too.” I raised a challenging brow at him. “But if she’s as amazing as you say, then you have nothing to worry about. Just be honest with her.”

  “I don’t even know why I did it, if I’m being honest,” he said, looking out in the distance. “After I saw that photo, I was reminded of what I lost and immediately I felt the urge to take it back, to get you back in my life.”

  “There were other, less damaging, ways to do that, you know?” I pointed out. “We could have had a conversation instead of you trying to break up my wedding.”

  “I know,” he agreed quietly, looking over at me. “Maybe I wasn’t as over you as I thought I was.”

  “You should work through that and open up to your girlfriend, Cammie, about it,” I admonished. “You and I, we have history, but that’s all it is. I’m happy. I’m secure, and I’m deeply in love with a really incredible man. I have no place for you in my life anymore, but I’m glad we talked a bit. It helped, and it solidified the fact that we’re better off apart, that who I’m with is the person I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with. You were an important piece of my story, but that’s all. I need you to understand that.”

  “It sucks, but I get it,” his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I really do. So, I guess this is it, huh?”

  “Yeah,” I said, standing from the swing. “This is it. Thank you for meeting with me today. I needed it.”

  He stood up, taking a step toward me. “Did you get what you came here for?”

  “Yeah, I really think I did.”

  “Can I have a goodbye hug or is that taking it too far?” He asked, already holding his arms wide open.

  “No, it’s not too far.” I shook my head and let him envelope me in a tight hug.

  This was it, this was what it felt like to undoubtedly let go of the past. It felt liberating and honest and adult, and I felt secure again. It didn’t happen in the most ideal of ways, but I’m glad it did. It was a simple, short conversation that gave my heart what it needed to fully—completely and finally—let go.