Tales from a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen

by Rachel Renée Russell

  “I’ll just hold on to THIS until you find your, um . . . lost wallet, or whatever,” she sniffed.

  “Excuse me? Seriously! My DAD could buy me a UNIFORM FACTORY if I wanted one!” I snapped at her.

  The cashier glared at me. “Well, I don’t know how your dad can buy you a factory if he can’t afford to pay $357 for the items you were trying to take out of this store. I have a good mind to call SECURITY!”

  Note to self: Get THIS lady fired along with that other lady. Then sue the store!

  “Um, maybe it fell out in my dressing room?” I muttered as I started tossing stuff back into my purse.

  When I grabbed a cold, soggy, USED tissue, I cringed. “GROSS!! How did that get in my—”

  “OH. NO. SHE. DIDN’T!” I screamed as I rushed out of the store. “AMANDAAAAAA!!!!!”

  Amanda was sitting inside the castle tower with a smug grin on her face.

  “Amanda!!” I yelled. “Get your butt down here! NOW!”

  As she slowly climbed down I noticed that she was carrying a large, blinged-out duffel bag.

  “Give me back my wallet!” I screeched.

  She zipped open a pocket on her new bag, took out my wallet, and threw it at me.

  “If you weren’t my sister, I’d have you arrested! And where did you get the money for that thing? You better tell me that you broke into your piggy bank. Again!”

  Amanda folded her arms and glared at me.

  I opened my wallet and stared at it in shock. All that was left was three dollars!

  “OMG! Amanda, I can’t believe you STOLE my wallet and SPENT all of my money!! You bratty little . . . THIEF!!”

  “I borrowed it! I’ll just pay you back on my next birthday when people give me lots of money.” She shrugged. “Or I could always get some cash by selling my Barbie doll collection on eBay! Again!”

  “Your birthday is ten months from now!” I yelled. “I need to pay for my uniform TODAY!”

  “But, MacKenzie, just look at my fabulous purse!” she said, pointing to it. “What do you think? Do you love it, or do you LOOOVE it?!”

  “Even though I admire your sophisticated taste in fake Italian handbags, which you obviously inherited from me, you’re in SO much trouble right now!” I snarled. “Here’s my wallet! You’re going to return your bag, get a refund, and put my money BACK inside it. Or I’ll tell Daddy what you did and he’ll ground you until your tenth birthday! Do you understand me?!”

  “YIP!”

  I frowned at her. “WHAT?! Was that a yes?”

  “No! Um . . . I mean . . . yes!” Amanda stammered.

  “YIP! YIP!”

  I narrowed my eyes at her.

  “Actually, sometimes I make strange sounds when I’m nervous,” she explained. “ ‘Yip’ means ‘yes.’ So, yip, I understand!”

  “YIP-YIP! YIP!”

  I heard it again. Only this time I knew it wasn’t her. It actually seemed to be coming from her new purse.

  “Um . . . Yip! Yip! Yip!” Amanda barked as her bag started to move.

  Suddenly the flap opened and a white furball crawled out and wagged its tail.

  AMANDA IS SO BUSTED!!

  “OMG! A REAL puppy?” I exclaimed. “Amanda, WHY is there a PUPPY in your bag?!”

  “Because all the girls at school are getting a puppy-in-a-purse! So I wanted one too!”

  “But, Amanda, we ALREADY have a dog! You can just put Fifi in a purse!”

  Of course I made Amanda take that puppy and pet carrier back to Puppy Palace to get a full refund. And boy, was she mad!

  We were passing the toy store when Amanda went into another full-blown temper tantrum. I just grabbed her arm and tried to drag her toward the department store so I could pay for my uniform and get the heck out of there.

  And yes! It was SOOO embarrassing! But I just totally IGNORED her!

  Until she started screaming hysterically.

  “STRANGER DANGER! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!! I’M BEING KIDNAPPED!!”

  That’s when everyone in the mall turned around and started glaring at me all suspicious-like. I plastered a fake smile on my face and gave Amanda a little hug. “Just calm down, hon!” Then I whispered into her ear, “You spoiled little BRAT!! You better SHUT UP or else!”

  “But I want my puppy-in-a-purse! NOOOW!!”

  “Sorry! It’s NOT happening! I don’t have enough to pay for my uniform and a puppy!”

  That’s when Amanda fell on the floor and started writhing around like a SNAKE. “Get away from me, you KIDNAPPER! HELP! HELP! I’m being KIDNAPPED! Someone call the cops!”

  If I got arrested, it could totally RUIN my chances of getting into North Hampton Hills! Lucky for me, I noticed a clearance TOY sale! I quickly offered Amanda a nice bribe if she’d stop screaming long enough for me to pay for my uniform and stuff. She accepted !!

  ME, WITH MY NEW SCHOOL UNIFORM, AND AMANDA, WITH HER NEW TOY-PUPPY-IN-A-PURSE

  In spite of all the drama with Amanda, I’m finally all set for my first day of school at North Hampton Hills International Academy!

  I just LOVE my new uniform!

  And I’m going to look absolutely FABULOUS!!

  YAY ME !!

  TOODLES!

  MY MISS KNOW-IT-ALL MEANEST LETTERS OF THE DAY

  Today I have TWO letters:

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Dear Miss Know-It-All,

  There is a guy at school who I like. He is an athlete, very cute, cool, and popular. When we are alone he is super nice. But when he is with his friends, he acts like I don’t exist. Is he really into me?

  Thanks,

  Invisible Girl

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Dear Invisible Girl,

  If this guy is a CCP, he is obviously out of your league!

  He may ignore you when he is with his friends because he is ashamed of you. Guys like him want a smart, beautiful, and rich trophy girlfriend.

  I’m sure he is just using you because you are smart and helping him with his homework. Or he’s always really hungry and you let him eat the best stuff off your lunch tray every day.

  My advice to you is to send me his photo and name because he sounds like my type and we could have a lot in common!

  YAY ME!! !!

  —Miss Know-It-All

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  I’m VERY sure this next letter is from my backstabbing ex-BFF, Jessica.

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Dear Miss Know-It-All,

  I have a major BFF problem! Okay, so if I choose popularity over my BFF and toss her out of my life like a piece of moldy, two-week-old pepperoni pizza, does that really make me a bad person? I still secretly adore her, I just don’t want to be seen with her in public anymore.

  She used to be queen of the CCPs. And when she chose me over all the other girls in school to be her BFF, my coolness factor instantly increased from 6 to 100! I gained lots of cool friends, invites to all the hottest parties, and access to her penthouse-sized SHOE CLOSET!!! I felt like I’d won the BFF lottery!

  Then suddenly things changed! Popularity is as fickle as shoe trends—one day it’s all about open-toed booties, and a week later they’re out of style and everyone is rocking diamond-encrusted ballet flats. Well, the same thing happened with my bestie. She made one little slip-up! And suddenly she’s LESS popular than a pair of ugly, scuffed-up plastic rain boots at a designer shoe sale. She has lost the special quality that made me want to become her BFF in the first place.

  Now the CCPs are looking for the next It Girl, and this is finally MY chance to be the girl everyone envies and wants to be. But hanging out with my BFF could make ME as unpopular as she is. I’m even having second thoughts about inviting her to my upcoming birthday bash at the country club.

  So should I dump my BFF and pursue my dream of becoming the next CCP Queen Bee (and
just live with the guilt)? Or should I be the loyal friend who sticks by MacKen my BFF (even though she’s a complete embarrassment) and give up the opportunity to finally have any REAL happiness in my life?

  —CCP Princess

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Dear CCP Princess,

  Excuse me?! You REALLY should be thankful your AMAZING BFF allowed you to stuff your stinky, SASQUATCH-sized FEET into her designer stilettos!

  Seriously, she DIDN’T have to be nice and show PITY to an unpopular WANNABE like YOU! You’re lucky she didn’t put you on blast when you showed up at Justin’s party in that hideous, fluorescent-orange dress your (obviously senile) grandma made for you.

  And was that crusty lime-green BOOGER in your nose supposed to be your statement accessory? Or didn’t you see that massive, beach-ball-sized thing dangling in the wind when you looked in the mirror? Instead, your very loyal BFF rushed home and returned with a super-cute designer dress for you to wear at the party AND a tissue for that humongous booger.

  You should be happy your BFF didn’t dump you as her BFF when she caught you pretending to be her online just to chat with cute guys! I get it—you want to be her SO BADLY because you can’t get a hungry, UGLY dude to look at you even with a FREE bologna sandwich tied around your neck.

  Your BFF also could’ve told everyone your deepest, darkest secrets, like the fact that you wet the bed until you were ELEVEN YEARS OLD! Instead, she upgraded you from a frumpy NOBODY to a CCP socialite, and THIS is how you repay her generosity?! By stabbing her in the back so YOU can become the new CCP queen?!

  Sorry! But you’ll NEVER, EVER steal her crown as the smartest, prettiest, and fiercest diva of them all! So do yourself a big favor and don’t waste your time trying! And don’t let me catch you talking mess behind my your BFF’s back again!

  —Miss Know-It-All

  MONDAY, APRIL 21

  Dear Nikki,

  I’m sure you’ve already heard all the gossip about me and my BFF, Jessica. Well, I should say my EX-BFF, Jessica.

  Ever since I caught her and my CCP friends making fun of me in that video, I have been so ANGRY that I could just . . .

  SCREEEEEEEEAM! !!

  And then Jessica had the NERVE to actually write that letter to Miss Know-It-All TRASHING me like that!

  Like, WHO does that kind of thing to another person?!

  Well, okay! I’ll admit that maybe I do those kinds of things to other people.

  But definitely NOT to my BEST friend!!

  I was in the girls’ bathroom, just minding my own business and putting on a new layer of lip gloss. That’s when Jessica came strutting in with some other CCP girls. I could NOT believe she actually had the nerve to ROLL her eyes at me like that.

  So I was like, “Jessica! Excuse me, but I really DIDN’T appreciate you making fun of me in that video. But HATERS ARE GONNA HATE!”

  And she was like, “MacKenzie, seriously! I have no idea what you are talking about!”

  And I was like, “Oh, really! Well, I heard you’ve been talking trash behind my back just so you can take over my throne as Queen Bee!”

  Then it got really, really quiet, and all the CCP girls were just staring at Jessica, waiting to see what lame excuse she was going to give for viciously stabbing me in the back like that.

  And Jessica was like, “MacKenzie, I CAN’T EVEN . . . !!”

  I could NOT believe she actually said that to me! So I told her off.

  ME, TELLING JESSICA OFF IN THE GIRLS’ BATHROOM!!

  Right now I’m so OVER Jessica!! I’ve already unfriended her butt on Facebook. I don’t even care if I’m NOT invited to her stupid birthday party!

  Anyway, if all of THAT wasn’t enough DRAMA for one day, I was forced to watch part two in bio.

  It was very obvious that you and Brandon were still upset with each other in class today. He was completely ignoring YOU, just like you were completely ignoring HIM.

  That’s when I decided to take matters into my own hands.

  Maybe if you actually READ Brandon’s letter, I wouldn’t be forced to sit there and watch the two of you giving each other the cold shoulder.

  So after bio today, I took responsibility for my actions and did the right thing!

  I PLACED BRANDON’S LETTER BACK ON YOUR LOCKER !

  I was just hanging out at my locker, writing in your MY diary when I saw you stop, stare at his letter in surprise, and then quickly open it:

  Hi Nikki,

  It’s Brandon. Before you ball up this note and toss it away, please read it to the end.

  I’m still not sure what happened exactly, but I’ve been really bummed since we quit hanging out. Biology isn’t the same without us goofing off during class and you laughing at my lame jokes. I miss washing dogs at Fuzzy Friends with you, even though we end up getting more dog shampoo on ourselves than on them. And the dogs miss you too!

  Was it because of that . . . um, well, what we did at the kissing booth, at the end of the party? And the rumor that came out afterward? I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I definitely wish I hadn’t done anything to mess up our friendship.

  You said something about how you don’t even know me. So what if we meet at the CupCakery after school today and grab some red velvet cupcakes——my treat! I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me (and not worry that you’ll think I’m weird). I’ve learned that honesty and trust are vital in a true friendship.

  If you decide NOT to hang out today, I totally understand. I guess that will mean I don’t really deserve your friendship. But it would make me happy if you would please give me another chance.

  Your Fuzzy Friend,

  Brandon

  OMG, Nikki! After you read that letter, you were SO happy you went “SQUEEEEEE!!” like a little mouse! Then you started giggling and doing a very weird dance right there in the hall.

  You texted the news to Chloe and Zoey, and they ran up, screaming their heads off like you were Taylor Swift or somebody.

  Then the three of you did a group hug!

  I was a little confused when I overheard you guys planning to meet at your house after school to pick out what you were going to wear.

  Then, after you left, I FINALLY realized that you thought you were supposed to meet Brandon after school . . . TODAY!!

  I’ll admit the mix-up was partly MY fault!

  Seriously, Nikki, I could NOT believe . . .

  YOU PATIENTLY WAITED FOR BRANDON AT THE CUPCAKERY FOR TWO HOURS AND HE NEVER SHOWED UP!

  I don’t blame you one bit for being even more FURIOUS with him for standing you up like that! Especially after he wrote you that very sappy letter pouring his heart out to you.

  I understand why you feel more CONFUSED than a CHAMELEON in a bag of SKITTLES! Your relationship with Brandon is DOOMED! And it’s NEVER, EVER going to work out !

  YAY ME !! Sorry I’m NOT sorry!

  Anyway, even though you’re very disappointed that you and Brandon are SO over, please don’t throw a huge pity party for yourself.

  Some people have WAY more serious problems than you do! And by “people,” I mean girls like ME !!

  Right now I’m so MAD at my PARENTS I could just . . .

  SCREEEEEEEEAM!! !

  After dinner I tried to have a heart-to-heart talk with my parents about me transferring to North Hampton Hills International Academy!

  And as usual they were practically IGNORING every word I said. Daddy was reading the newspaper. And Mommy was checking her hair and applying, like, her ninth layer of lipstick (she’s ADDICTED to lipstick).

  And in case you were wondering, Amanda was upstairs having a temper tantrum. WHY?! Because when she was potty training her new toy puppy, she accidentally DROPPED it, and clogged the TOILET!

  Yes, I know!! That child has SERIOUS issues!!

  Anyway, I begged, I screamed, and I cried.

  I put on such a theatrical performance that I should receive an Academy Award no
mination for Most Dramatic Meltdown in a Family Convo.

  ME, HAVING A COMPLETE EMOTIONAL MELTDOWN WHILE MY PARENTS CALMLY IGNORE ME!!

  I was like, “Mommy! Daddy! You don’t understand. The kids at my school HATE me!! Every day I see them watching that video of me with that bug in my hair! And they LAUGH and make fun of me like I’m an UNPOPULAR person or something!”

  “Honey, it can’t be THAT bad! Just last week you were saying how many friends you have and how much you LOVE your school! The kids just think it’s a harmless little joke. I’m sure they don’t mean to upset you,” my mom said.

  “Yes, they DO! Going there every day and dealing with that video is TORTURE! I need to transfer to North Hampton Hills International Academy ASAP! Like tomorrow! PLEEEEASE!”

  “Now, MacKenzie, just calm down. It’s only a silly little video that kids are passing around on their phones. And by tomorrow they’ll probably be watching something else,” my dad said sternly.

  “But it’s RUINING my LIFE!” I sobbed hysterically.

  “No, it’s NOT ruining your life!” my dad argued. “Now, if this bully, Nicholas, had . . .”

  “Dad! HER name is NIKKI!” I screamed.

  “Okay . . . NIKKI, then! Now, if this bully, Nikki, had posted the video online, it would be a completely different situation. Then we’d know for sure she had hostile intentions. I wouldn’t consider it just a harmless little prank.”

  “She’s obviously upset, Marshall! Maybe we should set up a meeting with Principal Winston,” my mom said, looking at her watch. “I have a meeting in twenty minutes about our annual fund-raiser for the children’s hospital. So we’ll finish this discussion later, MacKenzie, dear. Nelson is already waiting for me in the car,” she said as she kissed my forehead. “Toodles!”

  “But, MOM!” I groaned. “Please! Don’t leave!”

  “Okay, so here’s the plan,” my dad said as he turned to the stock market page and frowned at the numbers. “Let’s give it another month. If things don’t improve by then, we’ll schedule a little chat with your principal to get to the bottom of this.”