Heart So Reckless

by K. C. Mills

  “Yes, it’s true. I have a daughter. She nor her mother is of any concern of yours. For now, you just play your role. I see you when I want to see you, and when I don’t, you stay out the way. You don’t ask me questions about either of them. You don’t try to find out information about them, and you better not ever get anywhere near them. Understood?”

  Tears pooled in her eyes as her jaw tightened and her lips trembled. She was hurt, but I couldn’t do anything about that. Had she not been fucking other men, then none of this would have happened in the first place. She and I would still be cool instead of me just fucking her when I was in need of a good nut without attachment.

  “So, it’s fuck me and everything that we are?”

  I backed away from Sasha and laughed sarcastically, stepping off the elevator after the doors opened. She trailed slightly behind me.

  “Redmon, did you hear me? It’s just fuck me now? You have a baby, and you don’t care about me?”

  I stopped and turned to face her. “I stopped caring about you a long time ago. If you want to be specific, it was the night I found out you didn’t give a fuck about me. All you cared about was my money, Sasha. I understood that, but I at least expected your simple ass to be faithful. This was never a love thing or even an emotional commitment, so I won’t pretend like it was, but I at least thought you understood that loyalty was a deal breaker for me. You didn’t respect me or your position in my life. Why are you surprised that it’s that easy for me to put you in the exact place that you created for yourself?”

  She stared at me for a minute like she was trying to find her words, but there weren’t any that she could come up with that would matter or change her situation. When I was tired of waiting, I turned to leave.

  “Let’s go, so I can take you home. I have shit to do.”

  Again, she was moving, trailing slightly behind me. Her sad ass demeanor and tears didn’t move me. Sasha knew what it was, and I didn’t owe her anything. The only person I owed anything to right now was my daughter. She had quickly pushed everything and everyone else aside and become my top priority, and there was not an ounce of regret in me behind it.

  “Nan, where you at?” I shut my grandmother’s door after letting myself in.

  I had her in a nice little spot tucked away from everything. Her house was a lot bigger than she needed, but I wanted her to have the best. I also paid for a cleaning service that came twice a week, grocery and food deliveries, and a car that she didn’t drive. None of which seemed like enough given the fact that she put her life on hold to raise me when my own mother refused to.

  “In the kitchen, baby.”

  Her soft voice, thick with that southern drawl that seemed to get worse as the years passed, had me smiling. The second I entered the kitchen and laid eyes on her, that same smile stretched a few more inches.

  “Get over here and give me a hug. I haven’t seen you in forever.” Nan waved me over to where she was sitting at her kitchen table.

  I did as I was told and eased her way, taking her small frame into my arms and hugging her tightly. Just before I let her breathe again, I pressed a kiss to her cheek and then pulled out the chair next to her, extended my long legs so that they would fit beneath the table.

  “It’s only been a few weeks, Nan, not that long.”

  “Long enough. Now, what’s troubling you? I can feel it in your spirit.”

  I chuckled at her big, round eyes squinting as she took me in. “Where are your glasses? You know you can’t see without them.”

  “I can see just fine, and they give me a headache. Now tell me what’s on your mind.”

  My fingers moved through my hair before I gripped the back of my neck. “Nothing is wrong. Why you always thinking bad shi… stuff.”

  “I’m not thinking anything. I know you heard me say that I can feel it in your spirit. Now tell me what brought you all the way out here in the middle of the day.” Again, she narrowed her eyes at me, but this time it didn’t have anything to do with her impaired vision. Nan was delivering a threat.

  “I have a daughter. She was born today. A few hours ago, actually.”

  “A daughter?” Nan’s head angled to the side, and I inhaled a deep breath, nodding as I released it by way of a sigh.

  “Yeah. I was just as surprised as you are. I didn’t know about her.”

  “Didn’t I teach your better than sticking that little thing of yours in these shady women without protection? I want you to have kids, Redmon, but the right way. Please tell me it’s not that little hussy you used to be with.”

  Damn, she hates Sasha that much?

  I chuckled and shook my head. “Nah, it’s not her. It’s actually someone you would like. We’re just not together like that. I don’t think we ever will be. I’m not feeling her right now anyway. She didn’t tell me she was pregnant. Truthfully, I don’t think she was going to. I would have had a kid out there in the world that I didn’t know about and that fuc… messes with me a little.”

  “You know if you would clean up your language all the time, you wouldn’t have to try so hard not to use those words around me,” she scolded, making me smile again.

  “I know, Nan. I’m working on it.” It was a lie, which we both knew, but it made her feel like I wasn’t a lost cause.

  “So, if she didn’t tell you, who did?”

  “Her sister. Well, a nurse called me, but her sister gave her my number.”

  “I see.” She nodded and looked at me in that way. That accusing way that she looked at me when she had her mind made up that I was wrong about something. “What did you do to her?”’

  “Nothing. I didn’t do anything to her.”

  “But she kept the baby from you?”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t do anything. We didn’t really have a relationship. We just—”

  “Had sex.”

  “Nan, come on now.” I chuckled, and she peered at me.

  “I’m old, but I’m not that old.”

  She was unbothered, but she had always been that way. This was the same woman who dragged me down the aisle during a random shopping trip, pointed to the condoms, and told me to get as many as I needed because she wasn’t raising any babies for me. I was fifteen years old and almost died from embarrassment, but my grandmother didn’t give one damn. She meant what she said, and we left with condoms that day.

  “I just, I don’t know. She’s so perfect, Nan. I can’t wait for you to see her, but I’m so pissed that her mother kept her from me. That shit hurts.”

  My grandmother’s face softened. She was the only one who I let my guard down around. She knew me, she raised me, and she never judged me. I could trust her with me, the same way I thought I could trust Peyson, but she damn sure proved me wrong.

  “Baby...” Her hand lifted and covered mine. The softness of her touch eased some of the tension that I was feeling. “You care about her. If you didn’t, she wouldn’t have had the ability to hurt you. What you need to decide is if you care enough to forgive her. If not, raise your daughter and respect her mother. Don’t punish her. That’s not being a man. I’m sure she’s doing enough of that on her own. People make bad choices for good reasons, even if the reasons don’t make sense to other people.”

  “It isn’t that easy.”

  “I didn’t say it was easy, baby. Just be the man I raised you to be, Redmon.”

  Dragging my hand down my face, I looked at her and nodded. “Get dressed. I need you to take a ride with me.”

  “Boy, I’m not about to leave this house.”

  “Not even to help me shop for your great grand? I don’t know anything about babies, but you do. I need to make sure she’s set up at my place, and I want you to help me pick everything.”

  “Just go smile at one of those women who work there. They’ll be falling all over themselves to help you out. I’m sure I don’t have a clue what you need either. You know how long it’s been since I had a baby in my life?”

  I chuckled. “Yeah, I
do. Twenty-eight years ago, now get dressed. You have thirty minutes. You’re the only woman I want to help me with this.”

  She peered at me, and I returned the same look until she broke down. “Fine, but you’re taking me to dinner when we’re done.”

  “I was already planning on it.”

  I stood and kissed her cheek then left the kitchen to wait in the living room while she got ready. The points she made where heavy on my mind, but I wasn’t ready to forgive Peyson just yet. I wasn’t sure if I ever would, but regardless, she was my daughter’s mother, so I would always show her love.

  By the time I made it back to the hospital, it was after nine. Visiting hours were over, after I damn near shut down the entire floor and cursed out everybody I came into contact with, they let me in her room and brought my daughter right to me. I had a feeling that the final word came from Dr. Altman, so I owed him for making sure they didn’t put my ass out.

  I sat quietly beside Peyson’s bed with my daughter balled up on my chest, eyes closed, trying not to fall asleep. I had been at Sasha’s the night before which meant no sleep and in the streets before that. The call came through about Peyson while I was at breakfast with Sasha, and I had been moving ever since. After shopping with my grandmother, driving her home, and then the hours’ drive back here, I was on my last leg. I was fucking exhausted, but I was here, and the little person on my chest was well worth every bit of energy that I was burning through to be here. I had a feeling this was what my life was about to be moving forward, and I didn’t flinch in the least at the idea.

  Movement on my chest and then a barely noticeable sucking sound had me looking down. Reid’s little lips were puckered, and her face was tight. It was the cutest thing in the world, but I knew I couldn’t help her with what she was looking for. I glanced over at her mother, who was still knocked out. She had been asleep since I got back, and truthfully, I preferred it that way. I had no interest in talking to her right now, but apparently, Reid was forcing the issue. She was hungry and needed her mother.

  “You really forcing my hand, baby girl. I’m not really feeling your mom right now.” I chuckled at the way her little face balled up the second I made my position clear. It was like she understood me. “You really gonna ball up your little face because I’m talking about your shady ass mama? You need to be on my side. She was on some dumb shit, so I didn’t get to watch you grow in there. She got to experience a lot of things that I missed, and I’m not feeling her right now. You shouldn’t be either.”

  Reid whined a little and started smacking her lips again. Her little body wiggled a little more aggressively, so I shook my head and glanced over at her mother who was now up and looking right at me.

  Your old shady ass would be eavesdropping.

  “I think she’s hungry.” I could feel the callous tone of my words but didn’t care enough to adjust it.

  “It’s about that time. They said every two hours. What time is it?”

  “Nine thirty.”

  I kept my voice level when I answered. With Reid secure in my arms I stood and watched as Peyson attempted to sit up. She flinched, and her hands went right to the pillow that she had propped across on her stomach.

  “You good? What do you need me to do?”

  “Nothing, I’m fine. Just sore,” she snapped before pushing the buttons on the bed to lift the back.

  “Watch your fucking tone, Peyson. I’m not the one in the wrong here. You are, and all I’m trying to do is help your stubborn ass,” I warned, not feeling the little attitude she pushed out. I wasn’t sure if she was in pain or just in her feelings, but she wasn’t about to be up in here acting crazy.

  Once she was upright, Peyson opened her robe and attempted to lift her gown. Tugging at it caused her more pain, so I shook my head and placed Reid back in her bassinet.

  When I reached to help, she held her hands up to stop me. I could already see that dealing with her was going to test my patience.

  “I’m fine, I can do it.”

  “Your ass can barely move, and when you do, your damn face balls up because that shit hurts. This isn’t about you. It’s about her. She’s ready to eat, and unfortunately, you’re the one who has to make that happen. Get out of your fucking feelings and let me help.”

  She clamped her jaw tight and stopped moving. I leaned over her just within her reach. Put your arms around my neck, so I can lift you a little.”

  When she did, I worked her gown up around her waist and eased her back down on the bed.

  “Thank you. You can give her to me.”

  While I turned to get Reid, Peyson lifted her gown all the way up and waited for me to hand our daughter over. I watched intently as she cradled her in her arms and guided Reid’s little head to her breast. This shit was literally blowing my mind.

  “That doesn’t hurt?”

  “A little, but I’m getting used to it.”

  My face tightened at the dry ass tone she had again.

  “Yo, what’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing is wrong with me.”

  “Then why the fuck you talking to me like I did some shit to you that you don’t like?”

  “I’m not. Forgive me if I’m not all smiles, but I just had surgery to deliver a baby. By body hurts all over, and I’m just ready to go home so we can get back to our life.”

  I stared at her for a minute trying to ease the anger that was rising. She had life all fucked up if she thought it was going to work like that.

  “We and our. It doesn’t feel like I’m in that equation.”

  “You are. I mean, for Reid, you are. You can see her whenever you want, as much as you want.”

  “Yeah, your ass definitely has life all fucked up,” I said under my breath before I addressed her. “I’m going to see her all the got damn time when I walk across the hall from my room into hers. When you leave here, you’re not going to your house. The two of you are coming home with me. As for that little attitude you have right now, kill that shit. I’m not dealing with it. This, whatever situation you want to call it, is your fucking fault. I’m the one who should be giving you my ass to kiss, but I’m not. I’m here, and on the strength of her…” I pointed to our daughter. “We’re gonna make this shit work.”

  “Wait, I’m not going to your house. I don’t know why you would think that’s an option—”

  “I don’t think a got damn thing. I’m telling you how it’s going to be. You had nine months with her that I didn’t. She’s little as fuck, so I know she needs you right now, but I’m going to be there for everything. That means I go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning with her in my house. Trust me, with the way I’m feeling, if I could do it myself I would. I just know she needs you right now, so I’mma have to deal with it being both of you.”

  “That’s not gonna work.”

  I looked at her and chuckled. “It’s gonna have to because that’s the only option you have.”

  “For how long?”

  “Until I fucking say so. Shit, forever if that’s what I decide.”

  Peyson’s eyes stretched wide before her mouth shot open. “How do you think that’s going to work? You can’t just bring a baby into your home. She needs stuff, a bed, clothes, pampers. Shit, she needs everything. You don’t have any of that.”

  “I’m not stupid, Peyson. I have what she needs. We bought all that shit earlier today. Her crib will be there in the morning. They said you have to be here two more days. By the time you’re ready to leave, it will all be set up.”

  “We? You shopped for my daughter with another woman?” Her face stoned over quickly, and I hated the fact that it had me smiling on the inside.

  I was so fucking angry about her keeping Reid from me that any emotional discomfort she felt made me happy.

  “Yeah, why the fuck you care about that?”

  I wasn’t a disrespectful dude, and I would never be to her, but I kept the fact that I shopped with my grandmother to myself. The idea that it annoy
ed her more and more with every second that passed felt like a win in my book. Yeah, I was childish, but fuck it.

  “I don’t care.”

  She was lying. I could see it in her eyes, and it almost made me tell her the truth.

  “Aight then. Anything else you want to throw at me? Because I have it all figured out. You and Reid are coming home with me. You can have the guest room next to hers, that way we’re both close to her.”

  “I’m not agreeing to that.”

  “You’re saying that shit like you really have a choice. You’re not about to have another nigga around my baby. I should snap your damn neck for the fact that you were around him at all, knowing that you were carrying my baby. I need time to bond with her. You had nine months, so I get at least that.”

  “Wow! Is this about you bonding with Reid or about me being with Linus? If that’s the issue, then you can relax. We’re not together and haven’t been since I found out I was pregnant. He wasn’t around, and you don’t have to worry about him ever being around our daughter.”

  “You’re right because she’s gonna be in my house. I’m about to take a walk and make a few phone calls. I’ll be back in a little while. Make sure she’s good, so that I can spend some time with her before I head home.”

  Peyson looked at me like I had lost my mind but didn’t say a word. I left the room even more pissed than I had been when I found out about my daughter. I knew I was wrong for forcing her hand, but shit, she was wrong too. Right now, I was being selfish the same way that she had. Peyson was just gonna have to deal with that shit.

  Peyson.

  “I’m so frustrated right now. What am I supposed to do?”

  “You’re supposed to do whatever he wants you to do. Shit, I would. Have you seen that man? Besides, don’t you think you owe him that much?”

  I glared at my sister who was smiling at her niece. I suppose she felt my death rays because she eventually looked up and frowned.