Heart So Reckless

by K. C. Mills

  “Don’t look at me like that. You made this bed. Now you have to lay all up in it, and your ass better not complain. If you’re lucky, maybe he will join you.”

  “Pree, that’s not fair. You should be on my side.”

  “I am on your side, Peyson, but I understand both sides. He wants her with him. That means accepting you too, but truthfully, if you look at it from a different perspective, it’s not just about her. He could easily be at your place as much as he wanted, but that’s your space which means your rules. He wants you in his space, with him having control. He wants you, Peyson. Not just Reid. I saw the way he looked at you—”

  “How? Like he wanted to snap my neck? Trust me, he was thinking it.” I pouted. He damn sure had no issues tossing that out there.

  “Yeah, that and like he wanted to give you ten more who look just like her.” She smiled at Reid then rolled her eyes at me. “You were wrong. Let him have his way, even if just for a little while. I’m sure it won’t last long. A few weeks with a screaming newborn along with her entitled mother, and he’ll be packing your ass up and sending both of you home. Trust me.”

  “Seriously? Thanks for the encouragement and the positive thinking.”

  “You’re welcome.” She blew me a kiss and then lifted Reid to her face, peppering her little cheeks with kisses.

  “You better stop kissing all over my baby. She doesn’t need your germs.”

  “Good, because I don’t have any.”

  I sat and watched the two of them, trying to think about how it was going to be living with Red. We barely knew each other, and right now I wasn’t his favorite person. That was going to make it extremely hard.

  “Every time he’s here, I have an attitude.”

  “Why? He didn’t do anything to you.”

  “I know, and I don’t mean to, but it’s the only way that I know how to deal with the reality of losing him. The entire time I was pregnant with her, I had this idea that even with the way things ended, we would somehow figure this out and make it work. He’s made it very clear that his only investment in this is Reid. How am I supposed to be around him every day, living in his house knowing that it’s only about her?”

  “Oh, Peys.” Understanding of what the real issue was finally registered. Pain sparked in her eyes. My sister and I were close. She hurt when I hurt, and it wasn’t until now that she truly recognized what I was feeling. “You have to take responsibility for how things are right now, but you don’t know for sure that you lost him. You can’t see the way he looks at you, but I can. He has the right to be angry with you, but that’s not all he feels. He just can’t get past the anger right now.”

  “He thinks that I kept her from him because he wasn’t good enough.”

  “Well…”

  The accusing stare that Pree offered really cut me deep. There was no way that she thought I was that shallow, was there?

  “Do you really believe I’m that person?”

  “No, I don’t. Not in that type of way, but I do know that you want easy. Being with him is not easy. Mom and dad believe that you were pregnant by Linus—”

  “I didn’t tell them that I was.” I threw my hands up in exasperation.

  “True, but, you didn’t correct them either.”

  “That wasn’t about who he was. I don’t care about any of that. He’s a good guy. A really good guy, Pree.”

  “Then what’s the deal? You’re my sister, and I love you, but if he’s such a great guy, why wouldn’t you tell him about Reid?”

  “Because I didn’t want him to not to want us.” My voice elevated, and the words belted out in a shaky, exasperated tone. I sucked in a deep breath in an attempt to control my emotions before I continued but with a softer delivery. “I didn’t want him not to want Reid. I loved her from the moment I found out we made her, but what if he didn’t? Maybe it’s stupid or maybe I was being a coward, but I was afraid. He said he didn’t want a relationship. No matter what happened that night, or how much we connected, it was one night. One fucking night with a stranger, and we made a baby. He didn’t have to want me, or her, or us.” I was ashamed to admit the insecurities I felt about him potentially rejecting us.

  I threw my head back, allowing it to sink deeper into my pillow while covering my face with my hands. “Shit. How the hell did I screw this up?”

  “You just did. Don’t worry about how, just fix it. Be honest with him and hope that he will let you fix it. But, Peys, being with him is not going to be easy. Everything about him is a contradiction to your life.”

  “You think it’s a bad idea?”

  “No, I think it’s exactly what you need. Hell, I want to know if he has a brother or a friend. Ain’t nothing like the love of a thug.”

  I burst out laughing at how ridiculous the idea was, but I knew she only wanted to make me feel better. That meant saying anything. “How on earth would you know anything about a thug?”

  “I read and watch movies.” Shrugging nonchalantly but offering a grin, she then looked down at Reid again.

  “I hate you so much right now. I seriously do.”

  “No, you don’t. I made you laugh.” She squinted down at Reid, bringing her inches from her face. “I made your mommy laugh, and she can’t even say ‘thank you, sis.’ She’s so ungrateful.”

  “How about I be real ungrateful and put you out of my room?”

  “You don’t have to put me out. I’m leaving. I have a job to get back to…” Pree paused and looked down at Reid. “…and your daddy will be here soon to kidnap you and your mommy.”

  I was beginning to believe that my daughter was a traitor because she smiled big and began to coo at the mention of her father. I watched as Pree delivered her last round of kisses to Reid and then stood facing me.

  “You want her with you or you want me to put her back in her crib?”

  “You can put her in her crib. Just push it close to me. I don’t want her to get spoiled, and I literally held her all morning. The nurses keep trying to convince me that it’s not going to happen, but they’re not going home with me.”

  I frowned a little as the urge to hold my daughter settled in. I was addicted to her smell, and her soft curls, and the way she felt in my arms, but I also didn’t want a screaming baby who refused to lie down on her own.

  “The nurse might not be around, but her daddy will be.” Pree just couldn’t help tossing up those shots every chance she got.

  “Why must you take pleasure in my pain? That’s not how family is supposed to function.”

  “I love you too. I’ll check on you later. Make sure you send me Red’s address, so I can bring some things to you later. Send me a text of anything specific that you want me to pack for you.”

  “I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

  “Mmmhmm, send me his address.”

  After getting Reid situated, she was by my side, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Once Pree sang her last goodbyes us both, she left the room. Extending my arm enough to brush my fingers across my daughter’s thick, curly hair, I then got comfy again and closed my eyes, allowing my thoughts to consume me. When I had no contact with Red, it was a lot easier to ignore how I felt about him, but since he showed up to support me while our daughter was born, my mind was flooded with memories of him, that night, and fantasies of reliving the experiences. Most times when I closed my eyes, I could literally feel his hands on me, his lips brushing against mine, and…

  “I guess she really isn’t mine.”

  My eyes shot open quickly to find Linus standing over Reid’s crib with his eyes on her. Had I been that deep in my thoughts about Red that I hadn’t heard him enter the room? Either way, I didn’t have time to process that. The more pressing issue was getting him out of my room before he was occupying a bed in the one next door because Red caught him in here.

  “No, she’s not. I thought I already made that clear.”

  It took him a minute, but finally, he peeled his eyes away from Reid to loo
k at me. I understood the attraction. Even at only three days old, my daughter was beautiful. She was a tiny version of me and her father, mostly Red, but she had traces of me.

  “Yes, you did, but I was still hopeful. It’s hard for me to believe that you really slept with another man. I’m still having an issue accepting that.” He casted an anxious glance Reid’s way before offering me a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

  Linus was disappointed but more than anything hurt. I couldn’t feel bad for him because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had cheated on me multiple times. It just hadn’t ended with a baby, well at least not that I knew of.

  “How did you know that I was here?”

  “A’Marie, and don’t be upset with her. She refused at first, but I made her feel that it was imperative that I see you.”

  I was going to have a conversation with my assistant, but I wasn’t going to be too hard on her. Linus had the gift of forcing you to believe in him. I had done it for years until I met a man who in one night, showed me what a real man was and felt like. He treated me better in that short amount of time than Linus ever had.

  “I’m not upset with her. I’m sure you were very convincing. But why are you here?”

  He smiled softly before slipping his hands into the pockets of his tailored khakis. That one gesture made me think of Red. The two were like night and day. The only time that Linus dressed down was around the house, but even then, it was matching lounge or pajama sets. I wasn’t even sure if the man ever owned sweats, and as far as I could remember, he had one pair of jeans, which I purchased for him.

  Red, on the other hand, was very causal with an edge to him that was just sexy. The night we met, he wore jeans and a long sleeve henley that fit him to perfection. Since he had been around the past few days, his attire had been relaxed, ranging from jeans to sweats and track suits. Everything about Red was sexy, even the way he wore his clothes and carried himself. Linus was just, Linus.

  “You hurt me tremendously. I miss one night, and you give yourself to another man. After spending one night with someone you didn’t know, you show up the next morning telling me that we’re over. Not only that, but you were careless enough to get pregnant. I really didn’t think that you would go through with it. I thought, surely she’s smart enough not to allow one horrible slip in judgement to ruin the rest of her life…” Linus paused while he scanned Reid thoroughly before I had his attention again. His eyes were troubled, but he smiled, attempting to hide it again. “We can still make this work. It will take some time, but I can forgive your indiscretion.”

  Was he serious? Had he lost his mind? Surely, he had lost his mind.

  “I don’t need you to forgive me. Your opinions of me don’t matter anymore. And for you to call the creation of my child a horrible slip in judgment is something that I wouldn’t forgive. She damn sure didn’t ruin my life. You, ruined my life. You lied to me, cheated on me, used me, and now you’re basically calling me stupid for keeping my child. Please leave.”

  The shock on his face only lasted for a moment before it disappeared. A muscle in his jaw twitched when he began to speak.

  “Do you even know who that man is? You don’t, do you? Yet you plan to raise a child with him. I’m not perfect. I never claimed to be, but I love you, Pee. I always have. We can make this work. I’m giving you another chance. You and I can raise her together. I know that there will be questions being that she looks nothing like me, but we’ll deal with that. She’s innocent in this, and I can learn to love her.”

  I laughed so hard my entire body hurt. “Learn to love her? Why the fuck would I want you to learn to love her when her father already does? Get out.”

  “No, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m simply acknowledging that she’s not mine, but I am willing to treat her as such. You have—”

  “She said get the fuck out. Now you either move your ass or deal with the consequences of me putting my hands on you. I’m not trying to go to jail right now, but for her…” He paused and glanced at Reid. “I damn sure will take that L.” Red’s voice boomed from across the room, causing Linus and I both to immediately give him our attention.

  My heart briefly stopped because I could feel his wrath even before he sent it my way.

  The physical signs were emerging from the way his brows knitted in, and a line etched between them to the point that his face tightened instantly while his posture expanded defensively. A disapproving scowl followed, landing on me first and then Linus. Oh God, please don’t let him kill Linus in my hospital room.

  “I’m not here to cause problems. I was just checking on Peyson’s wellbeing.”

  “Her wellbeing? Muthafucker, better be more concerned with yours because it’s damn sure in danger.”

  Linus weak ass lie didn’t help the situation. I could now physically see the veins pulsing in Redmon’s neck. He moved deeper into my room, placing himself inches away from Linus before he reached out and fisted the collar of his crisp, white, freshly starched shirt. The motion damn near lifted Linus from the floor as Red tossed him to the side, causing Linus to stumble aggressively to catch his balance.

  “You suggesting that you can raise my daughter with her is a fucking problem. You better hurry your ass up out of here before you’re physically unable to do so.”

  Lifting his chin defiantly, Linus glanced at me but that was cut short.

  “Nah, muthafucker, don’t look at her. The decision is mine, not hers. Get the fuck out.”

  I didn’t miss the look that sparked in Linus’ eyes. It was embarrassment with a hint of a competitive challenge, but he knew better than to push his luck, so he simply left my room without saying another word. Redmon, walked over to our daughter and lifted her into his arms, inspecting her as if he would find something he didn’t approve of.

  “Did that muthafucker touch my baby?” I noticed his expression change from a protective nature to danger while he waited for my answer.

  “No, I wouldn’t—”

  “I’ll be back.”

  He ended my sentence and then left the room with our daughter. I sat there at a loss for words. Yet again, I was stuck in the middle of chaos, but this time it wasn’t my fault.

  Red.

  I sat on the edge of Sasha’s bed with a blunt hanging from my lips. I was stressed the hell out and needed a release. She was all too excited to provide one until we both came, and I was up getting dressed to leave. I wasn’t sure what she expected, but I pretty much made myself clear. I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to fuck, and then I would be on my way.

  When I got there, and she started with the questions about what the deal was with us, my life, Peyson, and my baby girl, I almost changed my mind. However, I was desperate, so I shut her up by putting my dick in her mouth. After that, she was on board for whatever I had in mind. Now it was time to shut this down and be out, which I could already feel was going to be an issue.

  “Aye, I’m heading out. Come lock up,” I yelled over my shoulder, hoping that she was out of her feelings now and that I could make a quick exist.

  She exited her bathroom dressed in only a black lace thong, walking seductively my way. My jeans tightened a little as my dick responded to the visual.

  “You’re leaving so soon?” Her jaw tightened as she attempted to reel in her frustration while her eyes misted with tears.

  Here we go with this crying shit. Leaning slightly to my left, I ashed the blunt and then stood.

  “Yeah, I told you I wasn’t staying.”

  “So that’s what we are now? You show up, put your dick in me, and then leave. Maybe I need to have a baby too, so I can get some of your attention.”

  I quickly closed the space between us, towering over her with a heated expression. A hint of fear danced in her features. I had never been physical with her or any woman. That wasn’t my style, and it wasn’t about to be. It wasn’t necessary. My words were enough to get my point across. Just to be sure she understood exactly what I
was about to say, I tilted my head downward and lifted her chin enough for our eyes to meet.

  “If you ever say some dumb shit like that again, I will end your entire fucking life. I have one child, and that’s all I’m going to have until I decide I want more. You saying shit like that makes me believe that you would do something to go against that. A baby isn’t gonna make me be with you, Sasha. If that’s the shit you’re on, then I won’t be around anymore.”

  Embarrassment reddened her cheeks, and tears followed with an apology that I wasn’t interested in hearing.

  “I know, I’m sorry. I just—”

  “You just what? There isn’t shit to say, but you think that a baby will somehow erase all the fuck ups that happened to get us to this point? It won’t, so get that idea out of your head. And stop with all the damn tears and shit. You act like I’m doing you wrong. If you can’t handle what we are then end it now. I already told you multiple times that I’m good either way.”

  Quickly wiping her face, she sniffled and got her act together. “I have feelings, okay. I know I messed up, but this is hard, and you don’t have to treat me like I don’t matter. You had a baby with another woman, and it hurts. Do you care about her? Are you just a father or are you trying to be with whoever she is? You won’t tell me anything, so what am I supposed to do?”

  “Man, here we go with this shit. You know what, I’m out. I’ll get up with you.”

  I started to the door with Sasha on my heels and tugging at my shirt before she eased in front of me. “Red, wait. I can do this, just don’t cut me off. I promise, no more tears. I’ll take whatever you’re offering.”

  “Nah, it’s not good for you.”

  “So, you are trying to be with her?”

  “I’m not saying all that. Truthfully, I’m not even fucking with her right now, but that has nothing to do with our situation. I’m not a cold-hearted nigga, Sasha. I admit, I was angry about that shit you pulled, and I wanted to hurt you, but you really need to move on. You aren’t terrible, you just aren’t for me. You’re never gonna find what you need hanging on to some twisted idea that we’re gonna eventually work out. We won’t. This thing with us isn’t a good move anymore.”