Heart So Reckless

by K. C. Mills

  “We can work out a schedule. I don’t have to have keys to your place. You can keep the ones to mine, and I won’t change anything with the security—”

  “Why would I keep keys to your house when you don’t want the ones to mine?” I blurted out.

  Red’s entire face tightened before he answered.

  “I’m not trying to walk in here to some shit that I don’t want to see.”

  “I’m not—”

  “You don’t have to prove shit or explain anything to me. Let’s just figure out how to make this work with Reid,” he cut me off dismissively, sounding like he really had no interest in anything other than Reid at this point. It hurt.

  “Red, I know that you don’t believe me, but Linus and I are done.”

  He laughed arrogantly under his breath and just stared at me for a minute. It was as if time stood still because I had no idea what he was thinking, but I knew for damn sure it wasn’t good.

  “Did you hear what I said?”

  “Yeah, I heard you. I don’t think she’s ready to stay overnight with me without you, so I’m cool just seeing her everyday. I can come by here, or you can bring her to my house. You can do the milk thing for her, right? Like put it in bottles so I can keep her for a few hours?”

  “Red?”

  “What?”

  Our tones contrasted each other. Mine was soft and pleading while his was angry and bothered.

  “I just—” I began, but yet again he cut me off, not wanting my explanation.

  “What the fuck you want me to say, Peyson? Your parents didn’t even know she was mine. I get that they hadn’t met me, but for you to let them think another muthafucker was her father…” He paused, giving me a look that I could feel in my soul. Evil. Malicious. “That was some fucked up shit.”

  “I didn’t tell them she was his. They just assumed she was!” I threw my hands up, and he laughed sarcastically.

  “You also didn’t correct them. That tells me a lot about who you really are, and it’s a big ass contrast to the person I met that night. To be perfectly honest, this shit isn’t really me anyway, so let’s just figure out a schedule so that I can get back to my life.”

  Get back to his life? He was using my own words against me. As if I didn’t think it were possible, he found yet another way to totally shatter my heart. Sucking it up, I did exactly that. I focused on what he wanted so that he could get the hell out of my apartment and get back to his life.

  “Fine. You can see her whenever you want. Once you get back to your life and decide where she fits in, just let me know, and I’ll work around that.”

  Hell yeah, I had an attitude, but mostly because I was hurt. The only thing that made it hurt more was that I didn’t have the right to be. This was my fault. All my fault.

  Red simply stared at me, not moving or speaking for what felt like an eternity. Hell, I wasn’t sure if he was breathing. The silence was so awkward that when he finally showed signs of life, it took me by surprise. Before I had time to process, Red was on his feet and grabbing at my thighs, which landed me on my back.

  “What are you doing?”

  He didn’t speak one word verbally, but the lust mixed with anger communicated immensely. Red yanked at the shorts that I wore until he was able to completely remove them and toss them over his shoulder. I watched while he stepped out of his Nike’s one by one, unbuckling his jeans at the same time. When they were tossed to the side, I ripped my eyes from between his legs—There it was in all its glory—and forced my way up to his face.

  “You’re so fucking stubborn.” Red damn near growled at me before he found his way between my legs.

  At any point, I could have stopped him, but I didn’t. Even if this was all I could have of him, I was so desperate for it that I was willing to accept it. I needed it, I needed to feel connected to him.

  While Red eased into me, I shut my eyes and allowed my legs to spread wider. I wanted to open up for him, and it hurt like hell when he entered me.

  “Fuck,” Red hissed, pushing his face into the crook of my neck.

  He steeled for a minute before he lifted again and eased out of me, only to glide back in a little more aggressively.

  “I swear on God, you’re so fucking stubborn. All you had to do was say you fucked up, and none of this would have been as bad as it is. You could have just come clean about everything, and we would be good right now.”

  He pulled back again before he returned with more force, and I opened a little wider. My body adjusted a little more with each stroke.

  “I fu…”

  The words got caught in my throat with the next thrust that Red delivered. He wanted me to feel him, and trust when I say that I did.

  “Yeah, you did, and I’m so fucking mad at you right now.” His strokes conveyed just how much; they were furious and incensed.

  Red lifted my hips, driving himself even deeper, sending a bolt of pleasure through me. At this point, he was in control. I allowed him to release his anger by sinking deeper inside of me. God, his anger was sending me to my happy place. Biting my lip, I fixed my eyes to watch him watching me. There was an internal struggle going on with me as I desperately attempted to think clearly despite the way he was drilling into me. Eventually, I gave up and opened my thighs wider, which pushed a smug grin onto his face.

  “You missed me, Peyson?”

  I nodded slowly, which pushed his smile wider. His strokes also moved faster against me while I arched my back, pushing toward him to receive them. At that pace, it didn’t take long for us both to cross the finish line. With a deep, throaty groan, he drove into me, sinking deep with one last, strong thrust. I exploded with a feeling ripping through me that I hadn’t felt since that night. That one night that changed everything about me.

  Right after, Red eased out of me, and I was alone. He walked off, and the separation suffocated me. My lungs literally felt constricted. I didn’t know what was next. Sex didn’t make up for the mistakes that I made, and I was more than positive that Red felt the same.

  When he returned with a washcloth that he handed over to me, I watched him as he put back on his jeans. I cleaned up and dressed also.

  “You okay? That didn’t hurt anything did it?” His eyes were caring and sincere, but the arrogance couldn’t be missed either.

  I was just too caught up in my head to worry about that right now, so I only offered a simple answer.

  “No.”

  Red just stared at me for a minute before he chuckled and pulled me into his lap. I relaxed a little as he moved his hands up my thighs, stopping at my waist.

  “I really want to be done with this shit, but it’s not that easy.” Red exhaled an exaggerated sigh before he continued. “I apologize for not being around this past week.”

  “You don’t—”

  “Nah, I do. I owe you that. I can’t punish Reid behind some shit you did or issues that we have, and me not seeing her was fucked up. That’s not a good habit to start, so I apologize.”

  “I apologize too. You’re right, I should have told you everything. I didn’t know how, and after you showed up and things were good with us, I didn’t want to mess that up by having to explain that my parents had no idea about you or us.”

  “That was fucked up and childish as hell.”

  The look he delivered had me feeling extremely juvenile, but I had been acting accordingly, so I didn’t own the right to complain.

  “It was, I just…” I paused and leaned into him, pressing my forehead against his chest. “I was already pregnant, and I didn’t want them to think even worse by knowing that it…”

  “Was from a street nigga like me.”

  When he cut me off, I quickly lifted my head with displeasure etched on my face. My head was already moving before I answered.

  “No, God, did you really think that?”

  “Why wouldn’t I? What the fuck else should I think?”

  “That no matter how grown I am, no daughter wants to have
to explain to their father that she got pregnant from a one night stand with a guy who she didn’t know and wasn’t even sure she would ever see again.”

  “You didn’t try to see me, Peyson.”

  My head dipped, and I shut my eyes tight. Red gripped my chin and lifted my eyes to his, giving me a hard stare.

  “I know, but you really didn’t give me a reason to feel like you wanted to see me again.”

  I watched him and could see the thoughts moving around in his head by the look in his eyes.

  “That’s bullshit, and you know it. We both knew what was up when we left that room. I wanted more, and so did you, but I’ll accept my part in us not connecting. I could have reached out the same way you could have. Let’s just get past that shit, aight?”

  “So…” I sucked in a deep breath. “What now?”

  Red didn’t say anything for a minute, and the anticipation of what he was thinking damn near killed me. When his hands eased onto my thighs again and moved up my waist and around to my ass, a need to have more of him roared inside of me.

  “What do you want?” His question was simple, but the intense stare was anything but.

  “I want us to raise Reid together.”

  He smirked and moved his hands up my back and under my shirt. The feel of his fingers gliding over my skin had the space between my thighs throbbing.

  “You already got that. This is not about Reid. What do you want, Peyson?”

  When I felt one of his hands touch the back of my neck and his fingers wrap around it, a surge of electricity shot through my veins. The second his lips grazed mine and then pressed firmly against them, my body responded. It was insane how connected I felt and how needy he made me feel.

  “Tell me what you want.” Red’s voice was low and sexy, damn near alluring.

  Was I supposed to possess the ability to think clearly while he was enticing me? Seducing me with his voice, his eyes, his scent.

  “You…” Red offered a smile against my lips when my first need slipped from me in a tortured, breathy tone. “I want us.”

  “You sure? What if your family is not feeling it?”

  He pulled back, pensively staring into me. His expression was blank, and his eyes were peering into mine like he was attempting to read me.

  “I don’t care.”

  “Is that the truth or just what you’re saying now because you’re sitting on this.” Red pressed upward, delivering a smug grin at the same time.

  I burst out laughing and pushed into his chest to create some space, but Red’s arms closed around me, forcing me back against his body.

  “It’s the truth. I can’t live my life for my parents.”

  “But you did. You kept that shit from them because you were afraid to let them know that their princess isn’t so perfect after all.”

  Princess? Perfect? Is that the image I left him with?

  I clipped my first reaction and considered the bigger picture. He wasn’t judging me, just expressing his concern.

  “Me not clarifying the truth was about me. I don’t ever want you to believe it was about you.”

  Yet again, those eyes were on me, like he was looking through me while my mind wandered to the worst possible scenarios.

  “Your pops came to see me.”

  Discontent eased its way onto my face at the thought of my father and Red alone. “What? When?”

  “Before I came here.”

  “And?”

  This couldn’t be good. No wonder he was pressed about me still wanting this even if my family didn’t agree. Did my father threaten him? Shit!

  “And, we discussed a few things, mainly you…”

  “And?” I could feel my body tensing and my inability to read anything with Red’s expression wasn’t helping.

  “You’re about to have a got damn panic attack.” He chuckled and then gripped my thighs. “I thought it didn’t matter how he felt about us.”

  “It doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean I want the two of you at odds.”

  Red nodded in understanding but amusement danced in his dark eyes before a smile surfaced. “We’re not. He isn’t in love with the idea of me, but he isn’t tripping off of it either. I respect that.”

  “Wait, so you two are good?”

  With his brows knitted together, Red frowned at me. “Yeah, why? You think we wouldn’t be?”

  “No… it’s just the way things happened at my parents’ house…”

  “That shit wasn’t my fault, and how the hell else was it supposed to happen? You bring me there, not being truthful about what I was about to walk into, and the little bitch ass nigga was there trying to claim my family. You better be glad I didn’t shoot that muthafucker because I damn sure wanted to.”

  “Your family?” My brows piqued, and Red’s knotted together.

  “Hell yeah, my family. My daughter and you. Ain’t shit for him here, and he better stop poppin’ up or his ass is gonna come up missing.”

  “Red, don’t say that.” This time, it was me frowning at him.

  “Why the fuck not? I’m dead ass.”

  I didn’t push the issue because I knew he was serious. “So, we’re your family? Me and Reid?”

  “That’s what you want?”

  “Is that what you want?”

  “Nah, shorty, I asked you first.” He grinned and inched his hands up my waist. I could feel him hardening underneath me again. “And don’t be influenced by what you’re sitting on either.” His smile turned cocky, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Yes, that’s what I want.”

  “Aight, we can do that, but your ass better not be keeping anything else from me. Another muthafucker pops up trying to claim my daughter, and I’m gon’ hurt your feelings, Peyson,” he said with a firm look that left no room for confusion.

  I was well aware that this was my last chance to make things right with him. I damn sure wasn’t about to mess that up.

  I knew that he was joking about someone else claiming Reid, but there was a question hidden in his statement, which brought up another point for me. After sucking in a deep breath and exhaling it slowly, I asked the question that had been on my mind for a while.

  “Do you want a DNA test?”

  Red’s face got tight extremely quick. “Hell nah. You trying to tell me something? Do I need one?”

  “No, Reid is yours. I know for certain, but I’m not sure you feel the same. I never want you to question whether she’s yours. A test will solve that problem and give you a definitive answer.”

  “I have a definitive answer. I can look at her and tell she’s mine. I can even feel that shit, but if you don’t…” There was a look in his eyes that I could only read as insecurity. It didn’t fit him because he was always so confident.

  “No, I have no doubts. I just want to make sure you don’t. Your grandmother said that she was yours in a way that was as if she was trying to convince you. That made me feel that a part of you thought Reid wasn’t yours. I kept her from you, so I understand why.”

  “Nah, she’s mine. I don’t doubt that, but aye, call your sister and see if she’s free right now.”

  “Why?”

  “Stop balling up yo’ face. I wanna take you somewhere. We won’t be gone long, but I think we need a minute to chill, just the two of us.”

  I bit my lip to suppress the smile that was forming but more so to control the rush of excitement that I felt.

  “Yo’ goofy ass. Why the fuck you smiling like that?” That cocky demeanor was back.

  “I’m not.”

  “Yes, the fuck you are. And before you ask, yes, I’m taking you on a date. We skipped all that shit since you were ducking, dodging, and hiding babies from me. I’m hungry, so call your meddling ass sister and ask her if she can keep baby girl for a few hours.”

  I pushed my hands into the sofa and eased off his lap. I could feel him watching me as I walked over to the table where my phone was.

  “I’mma go check on Reid and then hop in
the shower real quick so that I can keep an eye on her while you get dressed.”

  Once I had my phone and turned his way again, he was gone. Now that I was alone, my smile was uncontrollable. The past few months had my head spinning, and the weight of the world on my shoulders. This was the first time I actually felt like things were falling in place. Red and I had an understanding; he was forgiving me, and we could finally work on building something.

  “Why you looking at me like that?” Red lifted his beer to his lips and stared at me momentarily before he turned it just enough to finish the contents. His eyes remained on me the through the entire process, and once the empty glass bottle met with the wooden top of the booth, he smirked just enough to be sexy and then leaned back again, extending his arms across the back and exposing his chest.

  “How am I looking at you?”

  “Like you can still feel my dick in you or like you don’t and you want me to help you out so that you can.” He winked at me, and I blushed while he laughed to himself at my reaction.

  “Everything is not about sex.”

  A low rumble floated across the table by way of another muffled laugh. “Everything about you is sex to me.”

  I could feel my face tightening at the same time I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m just sex to you?”

  “No, you’re also my daughter’s mother. I would call you my baby mama, but I’m sure you’ll feel like that’s disrespectful the same way you feel like my last statement was.”

  “How is it not? You’re basically saying that all you see in me is sex.”

  “Nah, that’s not what I said, that’s what you heard or assumed I meant.”

  “Oh.” I didn’t want to argue. We had done enough of that recently. I just wanted to enjoy this happy space that we were in.

  “You quiet now?” Red’s expression was neutral aside from the way the left corner of his mouth slightly inclined.

  “No.”

  “The way we met was not traditional. That night was a first for me…”

  “I know you’re not saying you’ve never had a one night stand before? Isn’t that how you and your ex met?” I found that hard to believe, which was evident by the look I gave him.