by M Helbig
“That’s my girl!” Alizia said. “See if you can make him wet himself too.”
Gerinashu swatted at Yary with his other foot, barely catching her in the side for 37. “Yow! Quiet, please. I need all my focus. If I keep this up, I should be able to finish him off—like Copernicus against the Inuit hero Winston Churchill—before this awesome buff wears out. Got him below 40%, but only four minutes left. Kiyaaa!”
Gerinashu lowered his head to release his stun breath. In doing so, he also dropped his knee low enough for Yary to hop on top of it. As soon as his first waft of blue breath sputtered out, Yary jumped again, uppercutting him viciously in the jaw.
I was useless by comparison. I was hitting a thirty-foot tall skeleton with a rickety bow and arrows for single-digit damage. It was like firing toothpicks at a tank. It was ridiculous. It was pathetic. It was . . . kind of funny. He was a level twenty-nine raid boss, and I was a level nine. Even with a roided-out level sixteen, we weren’t supposed to have a chance against a raid boss. What did I really have to lose?
Would my friends be disappointed at me if I failed the impossible? Of course not. It would’ve been ridiculous for them to expect the two of us to win. Anyone would understand. Even if this’d been an easy fight and we’d lost, would they have blamed me? A little friendly ribbing maybe, but overall no. They were my friends. They’d support me no matter what, just as I would them. There was no pressure on me. I had no one to impress. No one was counting on me. I should be having fun.
Kind of hard to have fun when you’re not doing anything, though. Nothing on me had done any useful amount of damage, so I scanned the area for something else. My eyes quickly found the helmet. It was the only thing that’d allowed me to contribute in the fight at all. The only problem was that I’d only done damage when Gerinashu had stepped on me, and with Yary’s newfound damage and Shout ability, there’d be no way I’d get him to attack me again—unless he finished Yary off (and if that happened, the fight was already lost).
What if I use it like Olaf has: as a weapon—but if I put it on, I’ll be blind again, and Yary’s much too busy to even give basic directions to point me at Gerinashu. Buuut, what if I could still see? The thing is pretty hard.
I picked the helmet up and charged. At first, the damage wasn’t incredible; as ridiculously hard as the helmet was, it wasn’t designed as a weapon after all, but the first 15 was still half-a-dozen arrows’ worth of damage. After some trial and error, I figured out the best way to use it—by bashing downward with both hands—and the numbers shot up considerably. We got Gerinashu down to 3% over the next couple of minutes, and Yary’s buff still had another forty seconds left.
Gerinashu growled and unloaded another fiery blast. Neither of us tried to dodge it, as we knew that it wasn’t strong enough to kill us (since we weren’t dumb enough to equip the helmet). I didn’t even have to waste time healing. The aftereffect of Yary’s punches had healed both of us to full in under a minute on the previous cast of Gerinashu’s spell, and I’d no doubt it’d be the same this time.
“There, you,” Gerinashu said, pointing to me. “Stop hard thing hitting. Is much undignified. Not want legends to say great conqueror and all-around handsome corpse was defeated by rusty kettle. Interest you in bejeweled mace or crosier with fancy engravings? Have in loot table. Give to you now as long as don’t tell Larry Larrimore, God of Loot and Boss Pathing.”
“But, Master, I thought that was mine,” Tinkerbeard said.
I banged the helmet down hard for 27, breaking off Gerinashu’s little toe. “No, thanks. I think it’s much more fitting that I help finish you off with the helmet of your former champion. The poetic justice is just too much.” I pointed back at the field full of brave, but very dead dwarves. “Besides, I kind of owe it to them to not play nice with you.”
“Understanding of such, I being. Helmet of champion, say you?” Gerinashu leaned down. “Belonging that did to Fred the Destroyer! My greatest construct was he. Baked great pastries too. Secret of him was that his armor was part of him.” He grinned devilishly and fired a blue blast from his hands. “Smart not to bring near me. Smart not at all.”
Realizing what that meant, I tried to toss the helmet as far away as I could, but it barely got out of my hand before the energy washed over it. It wouldn’t have mattered if I’d had more time, as in typical-me fashion the helmet seemed destined to land about three feet away. The helmet completely disintegrated before it hit the ground, and Gerinashu’s toe regrew a second later.
I grit my teeth as I forced my neck up to check Gerinashu’s HP bar. He was back to 10%. As if that weren’t bad enough, Yary’s hits climbed back down to the single digits. I checked and her buff was still there.
“Don’t suppose I could have that bejeweled mace now,” I said.
“Do that, why would I?” Gerinashu cackled. “Feeling ten hundred years younger now thanks to absorption of spiffy hat. Also took on toughness of favorite pastry chef. Begin screaming, you do now?”
I considered asking for Alizia’s help in coming up with a good insult, but figured she’d be just as likely to either say something that would give me nightmares or insult me instead. Besides, Yary hadn’t given up. She was still dutifully throwing everything she had at Gerinashu even though there was only fifteen seconds left on her buff. A quick Inspect on the monster showed he’d indeed taken on the 1,000 AC bonus from the helmet; however, he’d also taken on one other attribute.
I nodded to my hands and they quickly flowed through the motions of a Heat spell. Gerinashu’s bony foot began to glow orange, but before I could get to the ten seconds it took for the spell to do damage, he raised his foot. I tried again, this time managing to get 30 whole damage in before I had to cancel it. After three more attempts, I’d only managed to do a whopping total of 76—better than I’d have done with my arrows, though Yary had managed to do about the same even with her buff long gone.
Gerinashu lowered his head to begin his breath attack. “Going to lick your frozen form like a lollipop, I am, and then eat you whole.”
Yary grabbed me and tackled me to the ground. I could feel the tingle of Gerinashu’s spell against my big toe, but otherwise we were out of its range.
I stood up and stared at Gerinashu as he finished releasing his Breath of the Dead. I began casting Heat but had to move again before it did any damage. “Got anything flammable, like oil, explosive potions, or alcohol?”
“Sorry, I don’t drink,” Yary said. “And Alizia took all my potions.”
My eyes scanned the battlefield. It didn’t take long to find what I was looking for. If there’s one thing you can count on with dwarves it’s that they’ll each have a flask or twenty on them. These dwarves were no exception. In less than a minute, we both had more liquor than we could carry.
As Gerinashu dropped his giant foot again, I realized I was incredibly grateful that Alizia had been right about him not being anatomically correct. We could see straight up his cloak and he wasn’t wearing any underwear. The cloak didn’t cover anything . . .
I ended up coating the grass and his toes with most of my bottles via my terrible aim. Yary did little better, though she did get two of them on his cloak around his knees.
“Drat,” Gerinashu said. “Discovered you have my great weakness to having clothes be sticky.” He put his hand over his heart with great theatrics. “Ack. Aaaaack. Dying I must surely being. Plentiful loot you be having from handsome skeletal corpse.”
Yary raised her fist in celebration. “Woo-hoo. I call any Bruiser loot.”
My Heat spell connected with his cloak, but it did not burst into flames like I was expecting. “I don’t think—”
“Sucker.” Gerinashu cackled and swung his foot at Yary, kicking her in the side for 82. She flew ten feet away, bouncing off the ground a few times. I breathed a sigh of relief as she shrugged it off and stood up.
“Good one, Master.” Tinkerbeard stood and peered down at us. “Everyone knows that dwarven bee
r and spirits not be flammable. We dwarves be a rowdy bunch, if we didn’t make it that way every dwarven drinkin’ establishment would burn to the ground on the first day. Too bad ye don’t have one of these.” Tinkerbeard held a small vial in his hand. Using the lens on my hat and Inspect, it identified as a Jar of Golem Oil.
“Could you be any dumber?” I asked.
Tinkerbeard scratched his head with the jar. “Probably.”
I summoned my bow and fired at Tinkerbeard. Even with the telescopic sight of my hat, the arrow sailed ten feet over the dwarf’s head. My next shot at least trimmed the edge of his beard a little, but it didn’t topple him, or more importantly his jar.
Mercifully, Yary figured out my plan and tried another tactic. “Hey, big bag of bones, come and get me.” She leapt off the ground with amazing agility and made very Alizia-like faces at him.
“Penalty for using Shout in new kingdom will be death or bathing all of dwarves after free beer night.” Gerinashu dutifully trudged toward Yary, even though her buff was long gone along with the skill. He was still helpless against the aggro she’d generated when she’d used Shout before.
When Gerinashu got near, Yary began rolling and dodging in a zigzagging pattern. Tinkerbeard reached for Gerinashu’s collar as the giant jerked back and forth to match my friend’s movements, but my luck finally came through. My arrow buried itself in his meaty hand. As he howled in pain, he lost his balance and tumbled down. I tried to hit the jar of oil as it fell, but I’d already used up my luck for the day. Somehow, Yary saw what was happening and managed to roll between the skeleton’s legs. Gerinashu took a step back in an effort to crush her with his left foot and in doing so, his left hand clipped the jar and splattered it in the middle of his back.
Tinkerbeard hadn’t lied. My Heat spell was still not burning the edges of Gerinashu’s cloak where Yary had spread the alcohol. Despite Gerinashu’s lack of skin and eyeballs, I could still read his expressions perfectly. He stopped a foot away from me and put his hands on his hips. “Stop casting, can you. Waste of mana. Get ‘With stupid, I am’ shirt after this, you should. Have special deal on one where arrow moves to always be pointing at you, have I.”
“Do you drop that in your loot table as well?” I asked. “No, wait, I’ll let you know in a minute.” I activated Sprint and followed Yary between his legs. As soon as I could see his back, I stopped and unleashed Heat with the last bits of my mana.
His cloak went up like it was made of dry wood and lighter fluid. In panic, Gerinashu used every ability and spell he had to try and put it out, but the only thing he accomplished was to start a second fire on his left arm. He did manage to inadvertently stun Yary and me when he tried Breath of the Dead, but it turned out not to matter. He was wholly focused on trying to put out the fire, and probably couldn’t see us through the smoke anyway. As his Hit Points hit 1%, he dropped to the ground and tried to roll it out, but the only thing he accomplished was to crush Tinkerbeard. Fittingly, their Hit Points touched zero at the same time.
While it had been my plan that defeated Gerinashu, I was still shocked to see him stop moving. I had to check my notifications to confirm that he was really dead. Yary must’ve been similarly afflicted because she didn’t say anything either.
You have gained 220,00 (200,000 +20,000 Group Bonus) Experience Points and a new Level!
Welcome to Level 10! 148,161/200,000 to next level.
You have received 1 skill choice on leveling!
You have received 2 stat points on leveling!
You have gained 27 Hit Points on leveling! 270/270 HP Total.
You have gained 22 Magic Points on leveling! 220/220 MP Total.
You have gained 13 Action Points on leveling! 130/130 AP Total.
You have received 2,000 Faction with the Town of Grimrag! Total: 2,480 Town of Grimrag (Friendly).
You have received -10,000 Faction with the Followers of Gerinashu! -15,115 Followers of Gerinashu (Loathed).
Somehow, our unorthodox yet surprisingly effective group had managed the impossible. Obviously, players weren’t supposed to be able to take out boss-class mobs twenty levels above them, let alone raid bosses, but I had a feeling, considering how large a factor the helmet and Fistbeard had played, that they had been planted there for us to do exactly that. With Stunned still on us, and a similar, though less formal malady afflicting our mouths, the only thing left for Yary and I to do was stare at our accomplishment in silence. It was the perfect ending to a truly epic fight.
Could You Invent a Way to Fix All Those Dead Guys?
By the time Stunned wore off, Alizia and Olaf were just coming into view. The flames on the giant corpse were beginning to dwindle, but it looked like they’d be there a while.
“Welp, there’s only one question left for us to answer and then we can go,” Alizia said.
“What’s the most expensive brew they have left at Lagereyes’s place?” I asked.
Alizia smiled and picked up a broken spear. “OK, two questions. The first one is: did anyone bring any marshmallows?”
Olaf crossed his arms. “Even if I had, I would not recommend eating anything that had been roasted over a stinky zombie corpse. That is a recipe for haunted dreams if I have ever heard one. I would also imagine it does not taste very good.”
“A valid point, but it might be worth it if these haunted dreams lead to a quest with sweet, potiony loot at the end.” Alizia rubbed Olaf’s head.
“I be havin’ a question for ye,” a dwarven voice said from behind us.
I quickly spun around to face the potential danger, automatically summoning my bow—and also automatically tripping over the long length of wood that suddenly appeared. Alizia stuck out her shield to keep me from tumbling over. By the time I finished getting my bearings, it was obvious by my friends’ lack of movement that the mystery voice didn’t represent a threat. Alizia removed her shield from in front of me to reveal Lagereyes.
“Is it, ‘How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?’” Alizia asked.
“None, because they don’t have light bulbs in here.” Yary smiled and Alizia grinned back.
Lagereyes glared at them and pointed toward the burning corpses. “This be more of one o’ them rhetorical questions, but are the four of ye responsible for that?”
Alizia winked at her. “Sure are. What kind of reward do the saviors of towns get, and more importantly, what does it taste like?”
“So, ye killed me second husband too then?”
“Which means you’re single again! Think of all the eligible dwarves who’ll come knocking on your door and buying you expensive presents.” Alizia pointed to the field full of dwarf corpses behind her. “Ohhhhh.” She winced and backed away.
Lagereyes swung her mace directly at my head. Alizia’s shield flew out to intercept, but before it could connect, a palm cracked the mace at the shaft.
Alizia clapped. “That was incredible. That was stupendous. That was Yary?”
Yary beamed at her before turning back to the dwarf. “Master Fistbeard says you should leave us alone. Tinkerbeard was a traitor, and he deserved his fate. He froze poor Ulinnia again and turned to the darkness that is Gerinashu. If it weren’t for us, you’d probably be dead like him.”
The dwarf’s eyes widened as she looked up at the frozen form of Ulinnia. Tears rolled down her cheek to disappear into her unruly beard. As her face finished going through over a dozen complicated expressions ranging from intense thanks to “murder you in your sleep while making fun of your skinny wrists,” she finally settled on doubling down on her original assessment. Her brow lowered to almost touch her nose, and she began punctuating every word with spittle. “All lies. No dwarf would ever betray his kin to that monster. And to have the audacity to use the name of a great martyr on top of that. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill the lot of you.”
“Because we are guilty until proven innocent,” Olaf said. “And we have not had a trial yet.”
; Alizia raised her hand. “Because you can’t. Yarykins could wipe the floor with you by herself.”
“Because Fistbeard wouldn’t approve.” Yary cracked her knuckles.
Lagereyes pulled a knife from her belt. “Well then I can apologize to him in the afterlife.”
Her knife thrust stopped halfway as a bluish specter appeared in front of her. Though her knife went through the ghost’s hand, it still tumbled to the ground.
The dwarven ghost winked at Yary before turning back to his still-living kinsman. “Me fellow Bruiser has the right of it. I don’t approve of yer silliness.” He moved forward to stand an inch from Lagereyes’s face. “I can’t be imaginin’ the pain ye be going’ through from losin’ two husbands in less than a week, but that be no excuse to be takin’ it out on the heroes who defeated Gerinashu and probably saved yer life.”
“Me Tinkery wouldn’t o’ done that. He died a hero like ye and it was Gerinashu who did that to poor Ulinnia.”
Fistbeard shook his head. “Nay. Wouldn’t a believed it if I hadn’t seen it meself, but he was a closet worshipper of the Beige Terror. Tinkerbeard was the only Inventor or artist we had in the village, and thus the only one who coulda wielded the Hammer of the Master Sculptor that froze her again.”
“Tinkerbeard woulda never done such a thing,” Lagereyes said.
Fistbeard put his finger into her chest and then slightly through it. “Are ye callin’ me a liar?”
“Nay. Everyone knows ye never lie, though ye sometimes have to dig through the web o’ curses to find what ye be meanin’. Yer a Monk and can drink any dwarf in the village under the table, both proof of yer virtue—Oh, it’s true! Me Tinkery was a traitor.” She collapsed into a huddled, weeping mass on the ground.
The rest of us stared at each other awkwardly for a few minutes before Fistbeard broke the silence by hocking a spectral loogie that immediately disappeared into the ground. “As fun as this be, I’ve a land o’ unearthly pleasures that be callin’ me name. Let’s get this over with.” He pointed at Legereyes. “Ye need to switch yer class to Inventor so ye can right yer family’s wrongs and figure out how to free Ulinnia, can ye do that?”