Our eternal curse II

by Simon Rumney

  A third voice quipped: "You gonna call him Moses?"

  There was a longer pause, followed by the same third voice: "Because it was born in the bushes? It's in the Bible."

  The second voice, the voice of authority, sounded fed up with the owner of the third voice. "Moses was found in the bulrushes, you ignoramus. The burning bush talked to Moses. Jesus, you're a goddamn nowhere bumpkin."

  The third voice sounded hurt. "Didn't get too much church learning where I growed up."

  The second voice changed from sarcastic to curious as it asked: "What you doing here, boy?"

  From in the thicket, Julii heard the brown man reply: "We came all this way cause Mr Lincoln said nigger's can fight as free men for the Union. I wanna fight so my daughter here can live her life as a free nigger in the North."

  "Well, good for you, boy. You hear that boys? We got ourselves a hero nigger." This was the first voice and it sounded deeply mocking.

  "Yes, sir. I is a hero nigger for sure."

  The laughter that followed the brown man's words was cruel. Even Julii, with no experience of the white man's sarcastic ways, could tell it was vicious without even seeing the faces of the men who laughed.

  Then the second voice said: "You keep walking up this road till you find a place called Shiloh. You join the army there, boy. We got plenty of digging work for a free, hero nigger like you right there."

  "I'm ready to fight, sir."

  All of the men outside the thicket laughed and the third voice said: "Don't you worry, there'll be plenty of fighting to be done after you finish digging, boy."

  Julii heard the sounds of many bridles on many horses being mounted. After the commotion of mounting, the second voice said: "You see a Johnny-Reb captain and his Injun squaw on the way, you tell Captain Bush when you get to Shiloh, you hear me boy?"

  "Yes, sir. I see anyone like that I'll be sure to tell you blue boys at Shiloh. You sure are a sight for sore eyes, yes sir boss."

  The second voice returned to its cruel sarcasm. "Moses? Goddamn it, Duffy. That pickaninny ain't even a boy."

  At the sound of horses galloping into the distance, Robert looked at Julii with an expression of complete confusion. His expression made no sense to Julii. The big brown man had just saved them. ‘What could be confusing about that?’ She had to know. "What is it? What's wrong?"

  Robert walked to a fallen log and sat down. He sounded more defeated and more confused than Julii had ever heard him before. Even the first time he woke up, close to death, in her father's tipi he had not sounded so licked. "He's a runaway nigger for Christ's sake." "Runaway niggers just don't save the likes of me!"

  Human property

  Julii had spent many of the things Robert called “minutes” staring at him, wondering if the brown man had hit him in the head. Nothing he said made any logical sense, and now he was shouting to drive his point home. "Why can't you understand? That buck is someone's property!"

  Julii’s confused silence caused Robert to speak even louder. "Don't you see? Someone in the South has lost a great deal of money because that nigger and his woman just up and lit out. I should return them, it is my duty to return them to their rightful owner for a good whopping, and the nigger knows it."

  Looking closer into Julii's confused face, he sounded bewildered. "But now I don't know. He could have gotten me killed right here by them Yankees but he didn't. Why in the hell didn't he do that?"

  'Had she understood him correctly?' She thought she knew everything there was to know about the meaning of the words “owner” and “property”. They were burned into her memory because Robert had shouted them at her by the waterhole after he found the damage to his sword.

  He made it clear that his sword and his horse were “owned” by him; they were his “property” and not to be used by just anyone. She had a very strong feeling that in the context of the big brown man, “property” was going to mean something awful. She asked for clarity: "What is ‘property’?"

  Robert's answer was curt: "You know what property is." Robert lifted his sword, then pointed to his horse. "These are my property. I own them."

  Julii looked at Robert in wonder. 'How could a human being be property?' The concept of ownership was hard enough for Julii to understand; in her tribe no one really owned anything, but surely 'a human being cannot be property'.

  Slowing her voice, Julii asked for clarity one more time: "Are you saying someone owns the brown man and the brown woman?"

  Robert's answer sounded matter of fact: "That's exactly what I'm saying. Someone is way out of pocket right now."

  Then he added, almost as an afterthought: "And now there's the child, of course."

  "The child?"

  She waited for a reply, but Robert was already thinking about other things. She pushed him for an answer by asking: "The child has just been born. How can she be someone's property?"

  Standing up, Robert walked to his horse and removed the saddle. Julii had to repeat her question. Robert didn't even look over his shoulder as he said: "It's the law. All niggers are owned by their masters, even the pickaninny."

  "Pickaninny?"

  She had liked the sound of that word when it was said by the men outside the thicket. She liked it so much, she had repeated it silently in her mind: 'pickaninny', 'pickaninny', 'pickaninny'. But now she thought of it as a horrible term for such an innocent being and she hated its sound.

  "Yeah, even them nigger kids have value too."

  Once again, Robert sounded like a man whose words should be making sense as he added: "Especially a foal from a fine breeding couple like them two niggers. Like I said, somewhere in the South a man is missing his property, probably a good hard-working man, a decent God-fearing man who won't be able to harvest his crops this year."

  Turning to look at Julii, he spoke with empathy: "A man who would have paid a lot of money for them niggers. I wouldn't be surprised if niggers as strong as him and her can cost upwards of a thousand dollars to replace. Maybe even more, the way this war's going."

  Julii simply could not grasp this reality. Her Robert did not feel any compassion for the nice brown couple. 'Her Robert, the man she loved, just felt sad for the man who owned the nice brown couple. This was the act of a monster, not her shiny pink-white man.'

  Julii was trying to understand how Robert could justify anything he had just told her, when the big brown man returned through the thicket still effortlessly carrying his woman and child. There was no sign of effort in his breath or his words as he said: "Them Yankees've gone further on down the road."

  Robert's body was tense with rage. Keeping his back to the brown couple and a surprised Julii, he shouted: "Why'd you go and save me?"

  "Didn't save you."

  The big brown man nodded in Julii's direction. "Saved her."

  Laying his woman on the ground, he stood up to face Robert and said: "She's a kind lady. She's got a good heart. Lucky for you she loves you, or you'd be in the hands of them blue boys right now."

  Julii watched the turmoil raging within her Robert, and then it hit her: 'Red nigger!' 'Did he see her as a human being, or was she his possession like these brown niggers were someone's possessions?'

  Then something even more sinister dawned on Julii; 'Did Robert let her travel with him because he intended to sell her?' 'Was that all she was to him?' 'Simply a means of making that word he taught her by the waterhole?' 'Profit?' 'Was she there to make him a profit?'

  She watched Robert stare at the brown man and ask: "Why'd you come back in here? You know I'm duty bound to turn you in."

  The brown man pointed to the haunch of venison still attached to the saddle laying on the ground. "I ain't got no choice but to take the chance I can lick you. You got food and water, and my woman ain't feeling too strong right now."

  Robert moved to stand between the brown man and the venison. "That food's for us. We can't spare any."

  Julii was angry. She felt like being a defiant possession. She walked to th
e saddle, removed the haunch of venison, and barked an order at Robert: "Make a fire. These people need feeding."

  Her words made Robert rebel. Once again, his body became taught and rigid like an immovable tree. He was clearly not used to taking orders from anyone, let alone a “red nigger” “Injun”. He spat on the ground defiantly. "You don't tell me to make a fire to feed no niggers."

  "How about feeding a red nigger?"

  Julii stopped and stared defiantly into Robert's eyes. She was angry enough to risk her life now. "Or if feeding your red nigger possession isn't important to you, do it for yourself. I know you white men need to eat because I've been feeding one for weeks."

  Turning her back, Julii walked to the brown man and handed him the venison. Turning to the brown woman, she took the little baby girl lovingly from her exhausted arms. She could no longer look at Robert. Anger was subsiding, leaving pathetic fear in its place. She hoped that her tone had removed the need to stare Robert down because she was too scared to do it again.

  All Julii could do now was wait and keep her back to Robert while she held the baby and her nerve. She simply did not know what was going to be her next move if he refused to make a fire.

  Julii could not see what her bitter words had done to Robert but the brown couple could

  Robert's taut, proud body became supple with shame and embarrassment. Her angry words had cut him down, not like a tree would be cut down - he was still ornery and proud - but he was wounded.

  If a tree could be wounded, that is how the brown couple would have described Robert's demeanor. Resigning himself, Robert simply went obediently about making a fire.

  Bushwhackers

  Last night's food had been eaten during a heavy silence. It was more than silence; it was a silence full of inner pain, self-recrimination, repressed anger and seething glances that seemed to speak clearer and louder than any words Julii had ever heard.

  It had been an angry silence that dominated them all as they sat by the fire trying to make the venison edible without a cooking pot. It was a silence that seemed even louder than the dead blue man's smoking branch on the field at the awful place called Shiloh.

  Even before the completion of the tense, inedible, horrible meal, Robert lay down on the ground, a good way away from the fire and the others, and slept restlessly. There in his misery, he tossed and turned.

  Observing his suffering, Julii regretted her treatment of the man she loved. There was no doubt that he deserved it but expressing herself so clearly would not bring her any closer to the intimacy she craved.

  She moved closer and tried to comfort him, but he would not let her cuddle up to him and that rejection hurt. He would not even let her lie close to him, not even close to his back.

  Julii felt cheated by circumstances beyond her control. It was not her fault that the brown family had entered their strange journey, but it was clearly her that Robert blamed and rejected – pushing her far away.

  She had been connected to him on the back of his horse since leaving her home, her family, her world, but now he withheld the security his touch provided because of something outside of her control, and that did not seem fair. In fact, as she drifted off to an exhausted sleep, it seemed downright cruel.

  When she woke in the morning, Julii was feeling less anxious. She hoped Robert's bitter feelings for her would have lessened with sleep but he showed no sign of change.

  She expected his mood to improve when they parted company with the nice brown couple, but no one showed any sign of moving. Julii liked the brown couple, but they upset Robert and she really wanted something to happen.

  As the day went on, neither Robert nor the brown man showed any interest in leaving the thicket. All day they just sat there looking at each other without speaking.

  Julii tried to defuse the brooding tension between them by asking polite questions, but each innocent word that escaped her mouth seemed to build a charge of aggression between the two men.

  Even asking their names made Robert angry and when they answered "Matilda and Paul" his body tensed, so Julii simply stopped talking, leaving a massive silence hanging in the charged air between the two men that was even more filled with danger.

  The tension was only broken when evening came and Robert silently packed up their few possessions, attached them to the saddle, then walked his horse from the thicket.

  Fearing he may leave without her, Julii quickly hugged Matilda, hugged Paul, kissed the beautiful brown baby on the head, and ran after Robert.

  Catching him up, Julii saw Robert's leg move to mount his horse. He had always mounted first and then easily lifted her up and on to the rear of the horse, but this time she was afraid he would not do it.

  Pushing his leg away, she placed her moccasin-covered foot in the stirrup and pulled herself onto the horse. Robert was clearly surprised by her actions.

  Although she looked directly ahead, she could see him staring at her from the corner of her eye. She noticed the exact moment he worked out why she had done it. She cursed herself. 'Now she had either offended her Robert or put the idea of leaving her in his mind.' 'This was a disaster.'

  Unable to swing his leg over the rear of the horse, Robert made a shambles of mounting. He was annoyed. He pushed back more than usual in the saddle and Julii was forced to slide backwards.

  They rode silently south and Julii could feel that everything had changed between them. Sitting further back on the horse separated them, and there was a new more determined reluctance growing within Robert.

  Her hands still touched his body because of necessity, but each step the beast took seemed to make Robert tenser and tenser. She longed to feel the hurt of her cheek touching his shoulder, but the thought of risking more rejection at this moment was just too daunting.

  Julii's mind plumed the depths of denial for something that would explain his behavior, and somewhere deep down she found something that made her feel less wretched. 'It must be something ahead.' 'Yes, the thought of something ahead of them must be upsetting her Robert.'

  Her denial clung to this thought because it created a problem that both of them must face. 'They were no longer separated.’ 'It made them a team facing danger together.'

  With every stride of the horse, she imagined scenes worse than that unthinkable place called Shiloh. If Robert had been telling the truth, she knew that somewhere ahead of them were places with huge wood and stone tipi-lined streets and, in those streets, carriages and wagons pulled by horses. 'Could there be bodies lying in these streets like the bodies at Shiloh?' 'Would there be bodies in the carriages and wagons that passed between the big stone and wood tipis?' 'Would wild pigs be pulling up those awful decomposing bodies from just under the street?' 'If this was the case, it was no wonder Robert felt apprehensive about her seeing such things.'

  Soon these fictitious thoughts turned into absolute truths. 'Robert was simply pulling away from her because he was worried about introducing her to such horrors.' She felt warmly towards him. His irrational behavior was all about protecting her but he need not worry. 'It would be horrible but she could tolerate any amount of horror if he was there too.'

  While Julii's denial worked its magic, rational thoughts of self-preservation were trying desperately to bring her back to reality. Every time the facts came close to getting into her fretting mind, denial told her to think of other things. It steered her mind towards pleasant memories. 'The brown baby.' 'Yes, she had been so small and perfect.' 'What will they name her?' 'All of her tiny fingers and toes were such a beautiful brown color.' 'That rich brown color made the baby look so healthy, so strong.'

  These distracting thoughts of the brown baby led Julii's very tired mind to another convenient construction. 'Was Robert jealous of the brown couple’s color?' 'Did he want to be a beautiful rich brown color like them?' 'Robert had changed radically after meeting the brown people. Was it because their brown skin made them look so much stronger and healthier than Robert's pale pinkish-white color?' 'Was
it all because of something as simple as envy?'

  Waking-up and finding her head rubbing against Robert's reluctant shoulder caused Julii to panic. 'What if she fell asleep again and fell off?' 'Would he stop and pick her up?' 'Why had Robert decided to travel at night?'

  Traveling at night made no sense because he could not see where he was going. Even something as simple as passing under a tree became dangerous at night. 'And keeping awake was so stressful.'

  Finding five dead blue men on the road did nothing to settle Julii down. It all happened so fast. Robert suddenly dismounted awkwardly and walked cautiously into the darkness. As her eyes found focus, she watched him bend over each dead body in turn. Without looking up, he spoke for the first time that night. "Bushwhackers."

  A new word! 'This was exciting.' Julii wanted to dismount and engage Robert in conversation. The horse's hairs poking her naked flesh were now agonizing. She would have loved to jump down, but she was still too afraid of Robert riding off without her.

  In an attempt to involve herself more, she asked: "Are they dead?"

  Robert looked from the motionless bodies to Julii. She couldn't see his irritated expression in the poor light but she knew it was there. 'What was she saying?' 'Why did she ask such an inane and obviously stupid question?' 'Anyone could see by the positions of the bodies that they were dead.' 'If he hadn't thought her stupid before, Robert was going to think her stupid now!'

  In a matter of fact voice he said to no one in particular: "These must be the Yankee boys that nigger spoke to."

  Afraid of making herself appear even more stupid but equally afraid of missing the chance of communication with her Robert, Julii asked sheepishly: "How can you tell?"

  Taking Julii by surprise, Robert spoke to her directly and his reply was not condescending. "A captain, a sergeant and three troopers. I heard the noise of at least five horses from the thicket."

  'This was good.' Julii felt included. She was terrified by the sight of so much death in a dark, strange place, but Robert was communicating. In an attempt to keep it going, she bolstered her confidence and asked another question. "How can you know it was bushwhackers?"