by Tina Michele
Why was she feeling sorry for Willa? Haven was the one who was left heartbroken when she left. It wasn’t her concern that she had cancer. If Willa had wanted her to know, she’d have called or texted or emailed. She could’ve sent a damn carrier pigeon, for fuck’s sake. If Willa didn’t care, Haven didn’t care. Simple as that.
When it was Willa’s turn, Haven looked anywhere but at her. As soon as she spoke, Haven could hear the nervous rattle in her voice.
“Hey. Uh, I’m Willa Bennette. I’m from Florida, and I was diagnosed with stage one intraocular melanoma about three years ago.”
The words and meanings flashed through Haven’s brain. Ocular melanoma—cancer of the eye. Three years? She looked up and across the fire at Willa, who was staring back at her. Willa nodded just enough for Haven to know that what she was thinking was correct. The timing could have been a coincidence, but it seemed that Willa had left not long before she was diagnosed. Or was it after? The thought that Willa knew she had cancer before she broke up with Haven made her stomach harden. Willa wouldn’t have done that to her—to them. She had to have known that Haven would have helped her fight, just as Willa had done when Haven had been diagnosed. Haven’s hurt quickly turned to anger when she thought of Willa not even giving her the chance to help take care of her during that time. She had managed to tune the other campers out, and she felt heat flushing through her body that wasn’t from the campfire. She suppressed her anger long enough to catch the end of the introductions.
Haven’s rear was starting to go numb from sitting and she knew they still had a couple more hours of cleaning and prepping to go before the volunteers were let go. Thankfully, Mama Lu gave the announcements for the next day’s activities. Haven loved this part because it got the campers all worked up with ideas and excitement since they didn’t tell them what they’d be doing, just how they needed to dress.
The day before, Haven had been overjoyed about getting back on the river. In addition to the river guides, Haven, Wendy, and Diego were always the extra boats on the water to help with whatever situations might arise. Haven was always the designated photographer of camp, so she went everywhere the campers went. But not this time, there was no way she was going to be able to spend six days following Willa around the damn Rockies. She was going to have to give up her spot to another volunteer. Haven felt a small pang of disappointment that she wouldn’t be in the water this time around, but there would always be other camps. She just knew that she needed to stay as far away from Willa as possible for the next six days.
* * *
Before Willa even had the chance to get up, Haven had disappeared. She had no idea what she was going to say to Haven if she ever stood still long enough to get the chance. A part of her felt a sense of relief at having told Haven, and complete strangers, about her cancer. She rarely, if ever, said it aloud or told anyone outside of her very small social circle. Willa never had any intention of telling Haven, mostly because she never anticipated coming face-to-face with her again.
She only had herself to blame. Their relationship might not have crashed and burned if she had been honest with Haven about why she had ended things. If Willa had believed in fate she would’ve thought that this was fate making an obvious opportunity for her to come clean with Haven about everything. She just didn’t think it would benefit Haven to learn the truth after all the time that had passed. She had moved and begun a new life far from their old one.
“Oh, I’m so excited! What do you think we’re doing tomorrow?” Corey asked as she bounced up next to Willa.
“I don’t know. Hopefully, it doesn’t involve talking.” Corey looked rebuffed by Willa’s statement. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just not a ‘let’s talk about our feelings’ type of person, that’s all.”
“Yeah, I get that about you.”
“I’m not that obvious.”
“Really? You literally introduced yourself in fifteen words or less. And that was it. No story, no quirky jokes, not even a window for questions had anyone dared to have one to ask.”
No, she didn’t. Sure, she could’ve given them backstory. She could’ve told them that she was single and running a farm in Florida with her brother. She could’ve gone into detail about the life-changing decision she made when she walked out on her partner to undergo cancer treatment alone. She could’ve opened up about how that woman was sitting across from her now, but she didn’t. “Yeah, not my thing, I suppose.”
“I’m sure that having Haven sitting across from you didn’t make it any easier.”
Corey was beginning to creep Willa out with her uncanny ability to read both her thoughts and postures. “How do you do that?”
“Do what?” Corey smiled. “I’m gonna go get some cookies. Wanna come?”
Willa was about to say no but then figured what the hell. She liked cookies. “Fine.” Willa followed along after Corey, who skipped along the path to the lodge. In spite of their differences, Willa found herself connecting with Corey’s bright and positive energy. She wasn’t the type of person Willa would normally be friends with, but she liked her nonetheless. Willa could be herself and, hell, even a little childish. “Race ya!” Willa called as she took off at a sprint and passed Corey on her left.
“What? No fair!” Corey squealed and took off after Willa up onto the front porch of the lodge.
Willa reached the door first and swung it open as she looked back at Corey and laughed victoriously. “I beat y—” Her triumph was cut short when she almost smacked right into Haven. Willa stopped, their faces mere inches apart. Willa’s heart pounded, and her chest burned for air. She found herself breathless from the horseplay, but paralyzed before Haven’s eyes. Her mind flashed to one of the last times she had been this close to her. Haven had kissed her and asked her what she had felt. In that moment, Willa had felt heartbreak and guilt, because she had slowly been pulling away and Haven felt it.
Willa was jolted from the moment as Corey slammed into her. “What the hell?” she asked before peeking around and spotting Haven. “Oh. Um.”
When Willa could find her voice she said, “We came to get cookies.” She never imagined that those would be the first words she would say to Haven after years apart.
“Right. They’re in the kitchen. Help yourself.”
Haven’s voice wasn’t bitter or harsh. It was soft and sweet and unexpected. “Thanks. Uh. Would you like one?” she asked before she could stop herself.
“Oh, no thanks. I made them.”
“Peanut butter?”
“Of course,” Haven said.
“My favorite.”
“I know,” Haven said as she slipped past Willa and out the door.
Willa had no words. She had even forgotten what she was doing before that had led her to this spot. “Cookies,” Corey said as she grabbed her by the arm and led her into the dining room.
Chapter Four
Five o’clock came early for Haven. She wasn’t a morning person, except for the weeks she was at camp. Each day always brought such excitement she hardly noticed that she was running on five or six hours of sleep. Now that Willa had dropped in to destroy everything she held dear, it shouldn’t have surprised her that her sleep would also suffer. She crawled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom before anyone else woke up.
Although in all honesty Haven hadn’t slept well since the last night she and Willa had shared a bed. Her nights were spent staying up too late, waking up every hour to calculate her remaining sleep time, and then getting up frustrated after nine snooze slaps at the world’s most obnoxious alarm clock. She did find that the nights Bianca stayed over were less restless, yet she didn’t know if that was from exhaustive sex sessions or just the comfort of a body lying next to her. She didn’t so much miss Bianca when she was gone, but there was a part of her that liked the warmth she provided when she was there.
Haven started the shower but sat on the edge of the tub staring into the water in a sleepy haze. Her relationship with
Bianca was fine. She enjoyed the time they spent together, and she’d discovered just how much she enjoyed the sex. She had definitely learned a thing or two about herself when it came to fulfilling her desires in the bedroom, or wherever else. When she was with Willa their lovemaking had been just that—perfect, passionate, and full of love. With Bianca, Haven had discovered a whole new side of intimacy that involved more eroticism and less affection. It allowed her to explore her own desires without fear of being misunderstood. Her sexual relationship with Willa had always been skin to skin, fingers and tongues, with kisses filled with promises. Bianca had introduced her to the world of lascivious accessories and matter-of-fact fucking.
Haven tried to imagine what making love to Bianca would be like. Would their kisses linger with tangling tongues and teasing fingers? Would it all start with a romantic home-cooked dinner and wine? The first time she’d made love with Willa that’s how the evening had begun. They’d enjoyed a quiet dinner before Willa started a hot shower for two. They teased and touched, building the passion and anticipation with each passing moment beneath the spray. Haven could recall the crisp taste of water combined with Willa’s salty skin. But it was beneath the silver satin sheets that Willa and Haven had connected. Their bodies pressed together and—
A loud bang on the bathroom door jolted Haven from her unexpected memory. “Yeah?”
“Don’t waste all the hot water. There’s three of us that need to get in there.”
“I’m not,” Haven said as she pulled the lever and the shower switched on.
“Are you in the shower? I’ve gotta pee.”
Haven stepped out of her shorts and into the tub, closing the curtain. “Yeah, come in,” she hollered back. She was going to have to make it quick because the water was starting to turn cold. It was a good thing; she needed it.
Once everyone was up, showered, and dressed, and Haven was adequately admonished for wasting all the hot water doing “God only knows,” they trudged across the dewy lawn to the main house. The sun had yet to break above the ridges, but the orange horizon had begun to fight back the dark blue night speckled with stardust. The Colorado sky never ceased to amaze her. It was her favorite place on earth. She wondered if Willa had spent any time the night before looking up at the sky but then reminded herself once again that she didn’t care.
Mama Lu and Wingman were sitting at the table sipping their coffee and reviewing camp paperwork. Haven needed to make sure she told him not to put her with the groups this week, but her need for coffee came first. She took her first sip and her eyes flung open. Yes! Mama Lu made it, and that stuff could run heavy machinery. She sat next to Wingman and leaned her head on his shoulder.
“Good morning, Haven. Ready for another week?”
“For sure. Could I ask you a favor, though?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“I’d like to stay at camp this week. Help around the kitchen and stuff.”
Wingman pulled back and turned to look at her. “What? Why?”
“No reason, really. I just thought someone else might want to be on the water with y’all.”
Caliente and the other volunteer, Dunkin’, both spoke up with an “I’m good” and a “Nah, that’s all right.”
“Are you for real? I need you on the water with the cameras,” Wingman whined at her.
“But I—”
Wendy cut her off. “Oh no. You’re coming with us. Don’t let her…Don’t be a dolt. You’re coming.” She looked around Haven at Wingman. “She’s coming.”
Haven looked at Wendy, but she got the look that told her she would lose any fight she started. “Fine.”
Mama Lu called them all to the kitchen to start breakfast. For some reason Haven enjoyed cracking two dozen eggs and whisking them for scrambling. Each of them had their task to assist Mama at the stove. She did all the cooking; the volunteers did all the dirty work. The smell of bacon had Haven’s mouth watering. As if her stomach knew that her body was going to need the energy for the day, it began to growl to be fed. She resisted the urge to sneak strips of salty goodness off the tray and into her mouth. However, she wasn’t a barbarian and could wait until the campers were served first.
The smell of breakfast drew in the campers right on time. More than half of them were bleary-eyed with sleep. Those were the younger ones. The older, wiser ones hadn’t stayed up all night chattering with excitement. It was typical. No matter how much they emphasized the need for sleep, the first morning was always the hardest. By the end of the week even the youngest ones would be tucking in early.
While she should have expected it, Haven was still taken aback when Willa walked in the door. For the briefest moment, as she enjoyed everyone’s mumbled morning greetings, she’d forgotten about her. But there she was, bright and bushy just as Haven remembered. They always had different ideas about morning. Haven liked the sun to be up before she was, whereas Willa would rather beat it. It seemed that hadn’t changed over the last three years, but it was probably the only thing.
Haven pushed the trays of food through the service window and went in search of her coffee cup. She waited for a couple of campers to make their own before she slid in and grabbed the carafe. There was just enough for a cup’s worth. “Save some for the fishes.”
Haven had heard that line before at least fifteen years earlier. She’d said the same thing to Willa during band class as Willa drank from the water fountain. “Fish don’t drink coffee,” she said as she looked up at Willa standing next to her.
“But I do.” Willa’s smile was contagious in spite of Haven’s attempt to resist.
She could have poured that last cup for herself and then made fresh, forcing Willa to wait the ten extra minutes as it brewed. But she didn’t. She poured the coffee into a clean cup and slid it over in front of Willa. And before she could ask, Haven set out two packs of Sugar in the Raw and the nondairy creamer just as she had done a thousand times before. Without refilling her cup, brewing another pot, or saying another word, Haven walked away.
* * *
Willa glanced from the creamer to Haven as she walked away. She wasn’t sure if the gesture was out of kindness or habit, so Willa was uncertain about how to feel. As she added the ingredients to her coffee she analyzed the meaning. Did she do it to be nice or was it involuntary? Certainly that would mean that Haven still remembers how I like my coffee, or does it? Most of all, why does it matter? Willa grabbed her mug and set it on the table before getting in line for the buffet. Willa’s attention was drawn to Haven. She could recall a handful of times that she’d seen her out of bed before the sun was well over the horizon.
Haven was engrossed in a conversation with the other volunteers at the far end of the table as they waited their turn for food. As the line inched forward, Willa stared across the room at the cheerful glow of Haven’s face. Her platinum hair was as surprising as it was stunning. She never would’ve imagined Haven having the guts to do something so drastic even if she wanted to. But beyond the hair and more defined figure, there was an air of confidence in her. There was an obvious pride and comfort in her that Willa hadn’t seen since they were kids.
When they were kids, no one could tie Haven down. She was loud, creative, full of confidence, and went through handfuls of boyfriends. None of them made it more than a few weeks once they tried to get anything other than a kiss from her. Willa had been the complete opposite. She could see a little bit of that fun and fickle young Haven showing through. She wondered what else had changed in the last three years. What brought her to this camp in Colorado? If she wasn’t dating Wendy, was she dating anyone else? Had she moved on entirely and gotten married? The thought made her stomach knot, and a lump formed in her throat. She hadn’t seen any sign of a ring, but that wasn’t unusual since they were at an adventure camp.
Willa had made it to the serving table and piled her plate high. She turned toward the table and heard the pleasant familiar ring of Haven’s laugh. Caught off guard, her feet tangled i
n the turn and she tripped herself, lunging forward. She managed to catch herself with one hand and keep hold of her plate with the other.
Willa was off her game. She’d never been one to trip over her own feet, and not in front of a room full of people. She took a deep breath and stepped into her seat trying to ignore the silence and stares. The attention didn’t last long when the volunteers got the all clear for their go at the food, and the clattering of dinnerware and conversations resumed. As everyone talked and picked up with introductions from the night before, Willa focused on her plate. Doubt crept into her mind, and she wondered if it would be better for her to leave.
With everyone now fully invested in eating, the discussions had dwindled and Mama Lu took the opportunity to address the group. “While everyone finishes breakfast, I want to say a couple of things and then hand it over to Master Chief to explain today’s adventure.”
Willa was looking forward to learning what sort of fun was waiting to be had, and then Mama Lu dropped the bomb. She explained that they’d be broken up into small groups for morning discussions of topics related to living beyond cancer. And then they’d discuss their achievements and breakthroughs during the evening campfire. What the fuck? She had no desire to discuss her feelings and emotions with complete strangers. It had been hard enough for her to even open up about the type of cancer she had, especially in front of Haven. Great. Now Haven was going to be there to witness her forced therapy. That tiny seed of doubt in her mind grew larger. Willa hadn’t heard whatever came after, at least not until Master Chief, known to everyone simply as MC, got up in front of everyone.
He introduced himself as MC in his brief and comical introduction and gave them the surprise. They were going to be learning how to kayak. But not just any kayaking, whitewater kayaking.