I'll Show You

by Derrick Rose

  And then for Bron to hit the shot, it was like a double whammy. Like, “Oh! He hit the fucking shot!” You wanna have an outburst like a kid, like a Little League game you lose. Like the refs cheated you—you wanna cry out. But the way we always looked at it was there were more games and it’s the league. But it shouldn’t have come to that, because Blatt was right on the court crying for a timeout. We all saw that.

  * * *

  We were all aware things weren’t going good between Thibs and Bulls management. It was just that we felt we had a bond that was so close, we thought winning was gonna take care of it. Just win. Like anything else in this league, you win and everything gets swept under the rug. Thibs never said anything to us about that stuff. He’s never gonna let you in on what he’s personally going through.

  But then they changed coaches after that season, and all of a sudden it just seemed like it was coming to an end for me in Chicago, too. Not that I wanted it or anyone said anything, but things were happening. Like, the first practice and I get that elbow in the face from Taj and I’m seeing double for months. Seem like a sign to you?

  I come back and I had to shoot with one eye. No bullshit, one eye. I came back early so I wouldn’t lose my wind, the conditioning I had built up by then. I tried to fight through it and I think I played well that season despite going through that. But it’s tough trying to go out there and piece your vision together, trying to figure out the depth of the rim. I started shooting bank shots. I had to try something.

  But the critics were growing. I felt I’d made a lot of progress. I think I played 40 out of 43 games until the knee thing after the All-Star Game, and then came back for the last four or five before the playoffs. Then in Fred Hoiberg’s first season, I ended up playing 66 games. So I’m playing consecutive games, showing I can be out there, but the vibe was different, a lot of things going on.

  When Taj elbowed me in camp I also chipped nine teeth. I had headaches after that, like a migraine. I had to have eye therapy, where you go in and read these letters and look at these certain shapes to get your range back. I was doing that for months.

  In some ways that one was the worst, because I wasn’t allowed to get my blood pressure up. I couldn’t have sex. Because if your blood pressure rose, it messed with your eye. They told me I can’t be excited. Can’t watch movies. They basically want you alone doing nothing, because if blood gets in there, it can be damaged and permanent. That went for maybe three weeks, a month.

  Hey, it’s just my story. I don’t think people know me like that, but I feel like they can feel it, feel something about me they can relate to. You know, things look good outside sometimes, but inside you’re struggling.

  Jo got hurt that last season about halfway through and was out, Jimmy and Fred got into it, then Jimmy and Jo. We started losing and things were getting away. Jimmy wanted to be playing point guard. Different direction and all that. Actually, I was cool because I was playing those consecutive games. That was important to me. Lots of weird stuff was going on, though. I wasn’t sure what it was about, but Jimmy didn’t dress with us. That season he was always dressing with the coaches, didn’t stay in the locker room. Got to say, I never did see that before. To separate yourself from the team. How the hell do you think we’re a team when that’s going on? Of course, I got the blame. But Jo saw it, he and Jimmy were at it. There was a lot of fracturing.

  We were looking like we might miss the playoffs and we had a team meeting near the end of the season—never needed to have those before with the Bulls. It was Jimmy and Jo talking. I never say nothing in meetings because they always get leaked. Jo wasn’t playing. So he really didn’t know what the heck was going on. I sit there and act like I don’t know what’s going on, just take it all in, but I know exactly what happened.

  Jo called me out for not speaking up, said I’m one of the leaders on the team and all. The reality of this was that it wasn’t my fault. First off, “Jo, you’re not here. So you shouldn’t be saying anything. Period.” But I let him speak because I didn’t want an argument. I just wanted to hear everything said and then I was gonna have my conversation with BJ and we were gonna discuss a plan. Then Jimmy ended up snapping on the coaching staff. They didn’t say anything though. Just ended up with Jimmy and Jo arguing. Some crazy stuff that season.

  Then it gets to the end of the season and even though I don’t know I’m gone, it seems like I’m next. With all the stuff going on that season and the media and all, I was angry and you’d think I was ready. But I wasn’t. I was emotional when I heard about the trade. I broke down. It was like a death in a way, leaving Chicago. I’d thought about it, but I don’t think I really believed it would happen, even with everything that was going on. It was tough.

  It was a great time with the Bulls overall. Including even playing basketball at the White House. Can you imagine something like that happening? Got my guy there with me, Joakim, so he made me even more comfortable. We were just sitting there chatting with President Obama, taking in the whole vibe. I’ve got the pictures, so that’s something I’ll be able to keep for my kids. Talking about the city, talking about the team. President Obama, he even knew little things about the team. I didn’t know he was a big fan like that until I met him in person. But actually hearing the way he talked about the team, you could tell he knew about it.

  Then he asked me to go to a fundraiser at Navy Pier. I’m thinking I’m coming there to see him talk his ass off. BJ pulls me to the side and says they might want you to do an introduction. I’m like, “I’m not ready, man. What you mean? Why didn’t they tell me before I came?” Playing before 20,000 people, that’s nothing compared to how nervous I was getting on that stage. This is like a once-in-a-lifetime moment. I went up there and I did it. BJ and my best friend Randall were behind me for support in case I couldn’t say something.

  Things kept getting weird right up to the end though. It’s the last two games and we’re out of the playoffs, but the Bulls say I have to play. I got through this season and I don’t want to risk anything and, really, I’m still not quite right, so we told the Bulls we wanted to have a meeting.

  Me and Reggie went in to talk with the Bulls about those last two games. We went up to the office and they let me vent. I had some things to say; it was cathartic.

  It was two games. You see me put in all that work to get back, play with a broken face. Why would I lie about an injury for two games? What’s wrong with that? So we went up to the office. I’m like, “I already went through a shitload of injuries. It’s two games. And the two games aren’t going to put us in the playoffs.” You know how losing teams are. I felt healthy enough. Not great, but is it worth the risk for two games? They hit us with, “Do it for the fans.” Do it for the fans? Fuck it. My brother stopped ’em right away. “What you mean, fans? These two games are not gonna mean anything.”

  Of course, those last two games, funny, what position did Jimmy play? Point guard. I had to laugh. No, it didn’t bother me. I knew what it was. I’m not dumb.

  That’s the way it goes. Way it was for me then, way it was for Jimmy later in Minnesota. I saw the summer after I got there, he turned down the $110 million from the Wolves. At 29 years old? With knee problems? They’re going to throw that back at you, make you look like all you care about is the money. I know. And they did that to Jimmy, tried to make him the bad guy. Any injury now they’re throwing it at you. “We wanna see what we’re paying for first.”

  I could see it happening. With the Bulls it was becoming, “We’ve gotta change the direction of the team.”

  I didn’t totally get it at the time. A couple weeks after we had that little interaction, BJ said, “Alright, my man. I keep hearing New York.” Then that shit went quiet. Then a call came in that I’m traded.

  It was time. But it also was tough, like the bottom dropping out. I was doing my documentary at the time and it got me. I broke down crying, really. No lie.
I know everything that was happening, but it was Chicago. It was me, what made me. Right when I was having that filming done. It was tough, like when I was in the hospital with my mom after the ACL injury. Felt like it was the end all over again, another twist, even though I knew I still was going to be playing.

  At the end of that meeting about the last two games, we really all were cool. “This is all just miscommunication. All you had to do was just tell us that.” Laughing at the end and everything. I wasn’t yelling at them or nothing. I was just talking to them, like a man. I was a young man at that time standing up for myself. I was proud of what I did. “Y’all think I’m quiet. I know you probably all think I’m dumb, but I know what’s going on.”

  Maybe they got scared of that. Even with this book, I know people are going to be surprised just to hear me talk. If I say the ABCs they’ll be like “Ooh!” I should just have a video of me saying the ABCs and people will start clapping. But that doesn’t bother me. That’s why it’s funny. Because you really don’t know me, so you’re gonna be blown away by anything I say.

  I told them everything I saw. I don’t usually say much, but I see. I was a young man. My big bro got to see me in the business atmosphere and handle it professionally. I felt good about the way I handled it, said what I had to, stood up for myself. And then we were cool.

  I know what some people think. Happens with a lot of basketball players. When I talk to people, they’re amazed I can even talk. It also amazes me sometimes. Like, “Wow, you really thought I was dumb.” But that’s also what makes my job the best job in the world. I didn’t have to pretend, didn’t have to go in and kick somebody’s ass or pretend I like or didn’t like somebody. I was blessed enough to be me and be comfortable being the way I am. I’ve been fortunate enough to succeed being that way. It’s a blessing.

  I gotta respect the Bulls for sending me to New York when they could have sent me anywhere else. Great market, big city, great fans, short flight to Chicago. Sure, I wanted to stay in Chicago, but I was happy, really, that the Bulls still looked out for me that way. I respected them for that. They could have sent me, like Cleveland did, to Utah. That’s one of the reasons I like to go back and just shoot the shit with them guys there. Gotta respect that part of it. Sending me to another big market, a place where I thought we could win. Just never got that championship for my hometown. It’s all love.

  And I always say, Jerry Reinsdorf really taught me a lot, showed me something different, showed me how to handle yourself with money, showed me about treating people the right way. Still drives himself to work in a Cadillac. I like that.

  11

  Look, this was the business I chose. So, I really can’t complain too much about it. I never put up a tweet or something to say I hate the media. Nothing like that. Somebody asks me something, I give them an honest answer. That’s always the way I was. But suddenly it’s like, “Oh my god, I can’t believe he’s saying that!” I’ve had a wild time with the media and I never thought that would happen.

  I don’t know if anyone ever had media stuff like I did. I’m not saying guys don’t go through all sorts of tough things with the media, but in your hometown like that? Tell me who that’s happened to. And what did I do? I didn’t beat anybody or steal something or hurt someone. I said some stuff maybe the way you didn’t like to hear it or didn’t think it sounded right, but it was just me telling you straight.

  I never was good at playing the game—you know, the media game. I’m not a bullshitter. If I don’t like you, I’m not gonna talk to you or you’re just gonna feel it. I’m not gonna bullshit you and laugh in your face with you. With me growing up and seeing everything, I tried to avoid becoming a bullshitter.

  The problem was I was already in a profession where everybody is. So should I be like that or be like me? I’m trying to tell you how I feel, and maybe it doesn’t come out the way you want to hear it. But people understand. I’m the bad guy? It’s not like I’m the only one; plenty of people go through it. I know that. I saw what happened with Bron and Miami. KD got a lot of stuff going to the Warriors. It’s just funny the way it happened in Chicago. One minute I’m their favorite, the kid who made it, then I’m a bad guy? Leave? Why?

  Obviously, my injuries had a lot to do with it. But, hey, I’m the one injured; it’s my career. I was the one in the hospital thinking maybe that was the end. So you think about things. I’m what, 24? They’re thinking I don’t want to play. I’m trying to get back to play, but I really can’t. Now you see how long it takes, but nobody wanted to hear it back then.

  Then there were those times I said some things I was thinking and maybe they didn’t come out like they wanted to hear, but I was just being straight, no bullshit. What, you can’t take it? I’m saying what everyone else says.

  One time was when I came back after missing that whole season after going down in Portland. So I say—and I looked it up to see how it came out—“I feel I’ve been managing myself pretty good. I know a lot of people get mad when they see me sit out. But I think a lot of people don’t understand that when I sit out, it’s not because of this year. I’m thinking about long-term. I’m thinking about after I’m done with basketball, having graduations to go to, having meetings to go to. I don’t want to be in my meetings all sore or be at my son’s graduation all sore just because of something I did in the past. Just learning and being smart.”

  Then the next year after it was all summer, everyone’s talking about what’s going to happen with the salary cap, and you saw some guys get these crazy deals. And so I’m just trying to say to the media, sort of like, “Hey, I’m letting you guys know.” You know, no bullshit. It was, “This whole summer I had tunnel vision.” My mindset was just making sure that I was working out every day, spending as much time as possible with my son, focusing on those two things. Making sure my family is financially stable, as far as seeing all the money that they’re passing out in this league.

  I was just telling the truth, just knowing that my day will be coming up soon. That money is for my children and their future, so that’s what I’m thinking about. When you talk about that much money, the only thing you can do is prepare for it. I’m trying to prepare not only myself but my family. Just putting out there what all of us were thinking. Even though we’re alright, we’re comfortable, when you talk about that amount of dollars, I think it raises everyone’s eyebrows, so there’s nothing wrong with being overprepared.

  My critics always get mad when I show love for myself or show that I care about myself. That’s all it was. In this position, are you supposed to be a slave to the game? And to the system? Your body and health is the last thing you should care about? When in reality that should be number one. That’s all I was saying, same thing everyone else says.

  I’m saying that now, but when I was younger I said how I felt at the time. But what was I showing you? I kept coming back to play, to stand up. I didn’t run from the media, have people block me off so you couldn’t see me, talk to me. I was there. So what’s so wrong with what I said, caring about your health, your family, wanting to make sure you can have your health in your life for your family, my son? And I swear to God, I just recently heard Shaq talking about feeling the same thing during his career, same stuff I said, talking about his kids, all that. And they were killing me on their TNT show back in the day over this. And Barkley, you know all the stuff he did—getting arrested—like he knows about doing the right thing? They asked Shaq about his son going to college and he was like, “Oh, I want to be able to go to his college games.” Isn’t that the same thing?

  You saw the same thing with Kawhi in his last season with the Spurs. Where it’s like, “What’s going on?” What’s different about his situation is that they can still make money off him. So he was safer. They felt with me, “He’s done.” You know what I mean? “We don’t need him anymore, rate him down.” There were some people in the media who went off about Kawhi, but the leag
ue, they know they can still make money off him so they’re not going to bash his name. With me, it was like, “He’s already had the injury. We’re moving on.”

  People think I’m a cocky, reckless, unruly person. That’s not me. It’s for my son and that’s all I was trying to say. He’s the big reason I’m playing this game. My dad wasn’t around. My mom was that figure for me. I want to be the example to my son, the dad I didn’t have. He’s going to do what he wants to do, but someday he’s going to be like, “Damn, Pops was right.” It’s going to hit him one day.

  * * *

  You know, the thing is I never wanted to be famous. But like BJ once told me, I’m a contradiction. That I have this quiet personality but the flashy game. I play flashy, the oohs and aahs, but then I don’t want the attention. When you play like that people think that’s who you are and they want you to be that. But that’s not me. I never wanted to tap into the fame. But it’s who they want you to be, and then you try to be yourself and that’s not the right thing for them. “No, you be that guy!” Then you say some stuff and it’s, “No, we don’t like him that way.”

  Look, that start of the season when I talked openly about free agency, I was thinking about the money, like everybody was. It was the TV money. All the players were talking about it that summer in L.A. Our agents were telling us. So many players are in L.A. and that’s what you’re hearing. So then people ask me what’s going on and I tell them. But that’s when they’re also counting my pockets. Hey, you’re a grown man worried about another grown man’s money? Come on. I’m getting the insight from BJ about, “Hey, that TV money is coming soon and it’s going to change everything.” So we shouldn’t talk about that?

  I can’t help the fact I’m getting the inside scoop on shit and that I understand what it will mean. Me just being honest with y’all. I’m explaining, it’s not that I don’t care about my teammates. Come on, I’ve always been the guy trying to help my teammates get a better chance for a scholarship, for the league. Yeah, I’m training hard because I see what’s ahead. I had a great summer in 2015. I’ve got a chance to really get this money right here.