I'll Show You

by Derrick Rose

  I told the jury when I had the opportunity. I had nothing to hide. You talk about a kid who never sold drugs, nothing. I put myself in that position. So I’ve got to fight it. The people on the jury, they saw this was a money grab. I’m happy they saw it that way, because that was something I was trying to get across right from the beginning.

  It just all made for this crazy season. I had to miss some of the preseason with the trial and that’s what I was concentrating on most. I had to focus on myself, my image, my character. That’s a city where you can get tempted, New York, but I wasn’t getting involved in any of that. It’s some serious stuff I was involved in; you don’t take that stuff casual.

  * * *

  With the basketball, the way Phil had talked, and with Jo and Melo, I really thought we were going to do something.

  But when it came to the basketball, I knew right away that we were shit.

  I played through it, 60-some games, but I could tell right away it wasn’t the season I was expecting. Lot of different priorities. Melo’s there. You know how he plays. Can’t change that. That’s what I realized being there. And he’s a great dude; I loved being around Melo. He ain’t gonna rub you the wrong way. Great dude, great spirit, great person, great teammate.

  I don’t say much, but Phil could tell. Phil was telling me to be patient. He said I had a lot going on with the trial and all. He was honest with me. Everything he talked to me about, he was honest, I’ll say that. Our relationship was a little weird, though. He was cool the whole time I was there, but he wanted that $60 million he was owed by the Knicks.

  As for me, I liked Phil, but, come on, man, you’re still running the triangle? He was still forcing them to run it. I’m a slasher, a driving point guard. The triangle is okay, but not for the personnel we had. Melo couldn’t play that way, didn’t want to.

  With me leaving Chicago, I really was into the game, really wanted to do something. New York with Jo and Phil and Melo and leaving Chicago, it just sounded like it was going to be special. Getting back to winning.

  I had high expectations and I wanted to perform. I felt the spark. But we never had a flow on the offensive or defensive end. I felt like being there we never did the extra things to win the game, make the hustle play or the extra pass. We played numerous games where we’d hit a point where it just all fell apart. We had an alright start, playing around .500 ball into December, but you could tell it was getting worse. We knew it was only a matter of time.

  Coming in, especially in the East, a team like that you know can compete, a team with that talent. They were trying to do it for Melo; he didn’t want to start over so they wanted to get the veterans for him. But he can’t play with a lot of guys, he’s gotta be the main guy. Supposed to be a top-five team. You should just fall into winning games with that much talent, but we were struggling to stay in it at halftime. It was frustrating, but at the same time all of it was out of our control. Jo and I used to talk about that all the time. Phil wanted us to play a certain way and we had to listen. What can you do?

  Early on in the season, Phil really didn’t force anything. But as time went on, it converted all the way to the triangle and we played through that almost the whole year. For the team we had, I think deep down Hornacek really wanted to play that more up-tempo style. But being in that position, being a new head coach, having to listen to the front office, it’s hard on that coach to say something. He’s moved around, he’d been fired in Phoenix. I guess Hornacek got tired of hearing about it, having meetings about it, so he just said, “We’re gonna do it and see.”

  It also took a lot out of us. It’s hard to go into games knowing there’s a point during the game where the game slips away. You can feel it. The whole team can feel it. But that was every other night.

  There were times during a game where we would play free. And it didn’t matter what we did. We’d end up coming back, and Phil would be like, “What’s that?” I remember one time we beat Boston and he told Hornacek he didn’t like the way we finished that game. We ended up winning the game. Melo got kicked out the game or something like that, something crazy, but Phil didn’t like the way we finished that game. It’s like, “Damn, in the league you’re happy to get a win.”

  Most coaches come in and they’re like, “That was ugly, but bring it in! Enjoy your night. Nothing crazy tonight.” You know what I mean? Enjoy it because it’s hard to even get one win in this league. I’ve talked to Kobe about the triangle—you saw it with the Bulls and MJ, you can do it and it works—but we were a new team with new players and a new coach, and because of Melo and the way he played, we needed to do something now, and you need some time with that offense.

  * * *

  I actually loved my experience being in New York. Cool place. With the way things were the last couple of years in Chicago, I saw I needed a break.

  When I left the Knicks that day in January 2017, that’s what it was about. I just needed to go home.

  I went to the crib with my mom. Everybody came over to the house to talk. That’s the first time, one of the few times, where we sat down as a whole family and had a serious discussion like that.

  I had decided I was done playing. I saw the same thing that was happening with the Bulls was going on with New York. I could tell that the season wasn’t going to be the season everyone thought, that I thought. I didn’t know if I wanted to hoop anymore. Especially when it started to feel like a business. Of course, you know it’s a business. They always say that. But you know it’s also hoopin’. But it had started to feel like all business, no joy. That’s when I wanted out. I wasn’t having fun.

  The court case probably had something to do with it when I think back on it, but the love wasn’t the same. I had too many distractions.

  Yes, a lot of that falls on myself. I didn’t have to leave, but at the time it felt like I was the only one going through what I was going through. My family talked me into going back.

  It was the family, a long conversation, a lot of crying, yelling. It was crazy, but it’s good to know they were behind me. It was a mixed feeling in the room; they know me and they know I know what I want to do. You got one group saying that and you got one group who’s like, “Fuck that! You gotta get through. You gotta play the games.”

  That’s when I realized it was a game within the game. I wasn’t good at playing the game, at bullshitting. Like I said, with me growing up where and how I did and seeing everything, I tried to avoid becoming someone who did that. But the profession I was now in kind of demands it.

  I felt like nobody could understand me, but my mom and brothers helped me. Everybody has jobs they don’t want. But they still have to take care of their responsibilities, and that’s where they let me know I was looking at it in a selfish way. I had to find the love of basketball again, and I would. It would be through PJ, my kids.

  I’ve got enough money saved for lifetimes. I’m like, “Fuck this. Mistreat me, okay. I don’t care. I’m out.” That was a selfish way of looking at it. Because the things I would have stepped away from could have easily helped us financially, could’ve made us more comfortable in the future and enabled me to do things for others besides the family.

  The question coming to me now was, “Did I want to keep moving because I was going to be a free agent? Would they keep me?” From sitting down and talking to the family, it was going over the pros and cons of everything. We came up with a list and figured it out. It was about me just sucking it up, listening to my family, and understanding where they were coming from.

  It’s still hard for me to overlook the business side of basketball. I naturally love the game. There’s something about the game—just playing it—that draws me to it. I’ve always been obsessed with it. But then the business side, where you get put in a position where you feel like you’re getting used, that’s the part that’s been hard for me to deal with.

  My mom’s always going
to tell me to fight, say motherly things, try to encourage me to keep going. But I’m so stubborn and headstrong. They know at the end of the day I’m probably going to end up doing what I wanna do. That’s why my family always laughed when everyone would say Reggie or someone was making me do what they wanted me to do. They knew that was a joke, but I’m not gonna do it in a disrespectful way. I hear everybody out and adjust it the way I want it and make clear it’s going to be a respectful decision.

  It always comes from me being comfortable. Questioning if I wanted to hoop. Like, I’m saying there’s more to me than just basketball. I’m more than just a hooper. That’s actually also what made me want to write a book, do my documentary—solely by myself. It’s about me going out to show people I’m more than just a hooper.

  I don’t want to be seen as me dancing in your face in a little commercial or whatever. I want you to see business deals when you read about me in the paper—that I did business deals, that I have my money, that I can help kids, help people in the community.

  I was so frustrated then and I was quick to pull the trigger on it, a little too quick, I realized. My family was like, “You don’t even have a plan. You don’t have nothing set up right now. Even though you’re financially stable, how are you going to transition?”

  My family and friends—a small group—are for me like the president’s cabinet. That’s where the trust is, in these people, and I’m just one of them—not more special or important.

  That’s also why it was more complicated with one of my oldest and closest friends dropping out around that time. I don’t want to say who it was, but it was someone who I grew up with, went back with to just about the beginning, so it was tough.

  I pride myself on my loyalty, but then for someone to come out of left field like that, saying he wanted to show his own independence, it made me feel like I was the problem. That really hurt, with someone you are so close with. It’s like losing a family member.

  I always looked at it like we were all in this together. I never looked at it like it was just mine. I’ve always looked at my life and career as, we all made it together. I’m not that type of dude where I’m gonna be the only one looking fly or fresh or whatever and the people around me are looking bummy. Everybody is going to be comfortable around me and I’m not gonna go around crazy. I’ve always tried, and that was through my mom, to treat everyone how I would want to be treated.

  People probably don’t believe it, but that celebrity thing was a side I’ve always been blind to. That’s why I am the way I am. I don’t see that side. I know I’m regular, but a lot of people think being famous is something different.

  Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with the perks. If you want to let me skip this line because I play basketball, good. If we talk, you’ll see I’m much more than a hooper. The last thing you’ll think when you talk to me is that I’m just a basketball player.

  That’s what grounds me, being able to realize you have to be more than what people see you as. And then manipulate it in a way where I don’t lose myself in it, don’t get caught up and think it’s all about me.

  So that’s why what he said also kind of set me back, because I never thought it would come from someone so close—one of us. He was saying he needed to step away, that he had to figure out things on his own, which I felt like he could have done with the group, like I was trying to do, together. But he felt like he wanted to do it on his own.

  I had to process that, which was tough, because I never had to think about that with one of my homeboys before. You question yourself. Then you retreat even more, because you wonder who will be next. You start expecting anything, which is the wrong way to deal with it. I realized that. I told him I wish him nothing but happiness and love and blessings. As a man, I’ve got to give you time to figure out what you need, and me to figure out where we’re at.

  At the end of the day, though, it was really about my son. I want to be able to hold him accountable. No reason you should have excuses about everything. So how can I ask him to be accountable if I’m making excuses, walking away because things aren’t going well? I have responsibilities. And one of my responsibilities is to be a man and take care of my family. The money that I would have walked away from, my son and my family deserve that money. I can do good things with that money.

  I worked my ass off to get that money. I earned it with my play. So why should I walk away from that when he could use that, when his kids could use that? The number one thing is I didn’t want him to be growing up and feel like I let him down—or let the family down. I needed him to see that accountability.

  * * *

  I feel like I played great, but then had to have surgery again at the end of the season with the Knicks. By then I had changed my way of thinking. I really was in a great place. I wanted to be a Knick. It was just I had to have a surgery again. I had to prep myself for a rehab again. But I was now working with Judy Seto, this great lady who worked for the Lakers, the Dodgers, and I knew I would come out of this right.

  I should have said something to someone that I was leaving to go home that day, but it was me just being me, me doing what I wanted to do. Looking back, I understood it probably worked against me with them. They felt they couldn’t trust me, maybe. I wanted to go back to my family. Phil knew they—the Knicks—wouldn’t have understood where I was coming from. Phil was always the coolest for me to deal with. But even my family didn’t understand where I was coming from at that time. That’s why I really needed to do what I wanted to do. And then come back because it was what I wanted to do after we all talked about it.

  But the whole experience did open my eyes to a lot of things. New York, they could have given me my Bird rights before getting rid of me. That or working some kind of deal where, “Derrick, we’re thinking of going in another direction. We’re thinking of this Ntilikina kid in France. We respect you, but we wanna go in another direction.” I would’ve respected that. Maybe something like what Sacramento did for George Hill, keep a veteran around to help the kids get going. Sacramento paid him and knew he was going to be the backup to De’Aaron Fox. You know what I mean? They looked out for him.

  New York could have done the same thing. I would have done that. Me stepping away from the team that day had nothing to do with them; I was good with New York. But they didn’t sign me, didn’t even talk to me. No communication. I thought, “I just gave y’all 18 a game. At the point guard position. And you go draft a point guard?”

  Steve Mills is talking all this black dude stuff with me, like we’re brothers and all this. He’s saying that shit, making me think it’s going to make us closer. Come on, be yourself.

  I loved New York. We were losing but I felt I was playing great. I felt like they still could have built something—or attempted to. They got rid of me but I definitely wanted to stay there.

  It was a new way of basketball life for me, to not be sure where I was going to play next. I knew I’d be playing, so I just focused on working out, keep up with rehab, get in shape, and have to show you again.

  13

  I wasn’t worried about not playing again. I believed I had a chance to play somewhere, though BJ said there weren’t a lot of teams calling. For me, I felt like it was just the Cavs. That really was my only way back into the league.

  It really was sort of my dream team at the time. It seemed right. I knew I had to accept the minimum, even after all that talk about max contracts, because I put myself in that situation. I was the one who left New York like that.

  Even going to Minnesota in summer 2018, it’s because of the way I left New York; maybe there were people who didn’t believe in me. It’s going to hang over me until I play consistent basketball for two, three years. I think it will go away then. I put myself in that position, but that’s okay because I did that for myself. I’m not worried about that. Nobody to blame but me. But I grew from the whole situation. So I felt again lik
e it helped me become a better man. And that’s worth it. Why should I have any regrets? I know I fucked up. But I got a lot out of it, a clear mind.

  I was excited to play with that Cavs team, with Bron and D-Wade. To be back with a team that was going deep in the playoffs, no matter what my role would be. I had chances to go to a losing team maybe for more money, but I didn’t want to go play for a losing team. I already had put in my mind that if I was going to play, I wanted to play for a contender.

  When Cleveland called, I wanted to go there right away. I agreed to sign even before Kyrie got traded, so that was a surprise, too. But it was like, “I’m still going there. I don’t know how my playing time is gonna be.” I thought I was going there with Kyrie, but then it all changed. Hey, it worked with Bron and Kyrie, and Kyrie’s also a slasher.

  Being in Cleveland was cool. The whole atmosphere was different. Their equipment is different. You could tell they won a championship recently. I hadn’t been around that. You could tell by their facility. The team was great, the coaching staff was great, first class.

  But then it was just all downhill. I was killing in camp, in the preseason, but then I got injured and it was the same thing. My ankle this time.

  That came from Greg Monroe taking me out of the air in the Milwaukee game, second game of the season. We were winning. I was playing good, had something like 12 points in about 20 minutes, six free throws, beating guys to the basket. I was playing good before that, if you were watching.

  I landed flat on my left ankle and sprained it real bad. I think it was the ligament or something was messed up, and it aggravated the bone spur that was there. I couldn’t run for like a month and a half.

  They probably thought I was lying. Like, you know, “He just don’t want to play.” But I wasn’t able to run. I’m thinking again, I’m done. My ankle just gave out. And nobody can explain it. There was this weird spot on my ankle and again I’m not able to do anything.