Do or Die
Page 17
I was thirty when I met Brian Kenny, not a young girl starting out in life. I should have known better, but I really did not see it coming. I was nearly thirty-three when I gave birth to Conor, who is now thirteen. It is nearly nine years since I left Brian, but the ghosts are still following me around.
I would like to thank my parents for being my teachers and guides, and my sister Mary and brother Joe for being my crutches and advisors. They never judged me and I hope that they still see me as the same Rita — the Rita that plays guitar badly and drives them demented playing the tin whistle; the Rita that can’t keep a secret and says all the wrong things at the wrong time, but never with malice; the Rita that never gives the mic back when the karaoke machine is on; the Rita that always got the blame for everything, even when she didn’t do it — typical middle child syndrome.
I have come a long way since starting this book. It has been therapeutic for me, a kind of journey. I have looked over my shoulder and can now see the relationship that Brian Kenny and I had for what it was. I realise just how volatile it was. It was a scary and lonely place to be, and I will never allow myself to feel like that again. Writing this book is my way of moving on from the past and burying it for good.
It took me a long time before I felt that I could trust anyone again, especially a man. I was content to remain alone. I enjoyed the peace, the freedom and the independence that I had, but it was lonely too. The ordeal that I endured living with Brian had left me hugely insecure. Although I enjoyed the company of my children and my mam, I eventually felt ready to move on with my life and share it with someone special again.
I am happy now I am the happiest that I have been for a long, long time. I have shared the last five years of my life with a wonderful man named Tony Murray. I feel a connection with him that I have never felt with anyone else. He understands me. He supports me and he is proud of me. He is loving, caring and he has a kind soul. He makes me laugh and I feel that I have found my soulmate. It took me a long time, but I found him. He has made me strong and he has also made me believe in myself. I understand now just how strong a person I really am. Finishing this book has made me realise just how determined I am to leave the past behind, although I know that it will pop its head up every now and then, just to remind me of who I am: a true survivor.
The last few years have been wonderful. My life turned around and I have travelled a lot and seen some wonderful places that I thought I would never see. My life-long friends and family remain a solid presence in my life, and they are as brilliant as ever.
Tony is an amazing man and I hold him very close to my heart. I have never laughed as much as I have over the last few years since meeting him. We get on very well indeed. It was hard to trust anyone in the beginning, but I soon grew to love and trust him with anything — even my life. At first it was hard for Tony to fathom how Brian had treated me. He was shocked and horrified. He gets upset when he thinks of anyone ever hurting me. I know our love is true love. I had always considered myself damaged goods and I never thought that anyone would ever take me seriously again. How wrong was I?
Robyn and Conor have always remained loyal to their mam, even though I felt that I had let them down in the past. Robyn has convinced me that that was not the case. She says that she sees me as a strong woman who walked away and took them out of the hell that we were living in. She respects me more for having the courage to do that and then raise two children and work long hours so that they could have everything they needed. I have done my best. That’s all any of us can do.
Tony proposed to me in the idyllic setting of Villeneuve Loubet, in Nice, on the French Riviera, and I accepted. We are looking forward to our future together.
My life has changed utterly and I am very, very happy. So are my children, and, as time passes, we are forgetting the past. Life is sweet again.
Epilogue
RAISING AWARENESS
Ihope that this book will help someone in some way. Maybe it will help to give the victims a voice. I believe that there should be a list, like the sex offenders list, so that those who prey on the vulnerable can be named and shamed. I know only too well how hard it is to report these crimes when you are living in fear, but that is what the victims have to find the courage to do. You may have been lucky enough to escape from a violent relationship, but you know that an abuser will move on to his next victim and that you must find your voice for them as much as for yourself.
Prehaps reading this book will help people gain an understanding of abusive relationships. I hope it helps increase awareness in our society, a society that generally doesn’t tolerate such behaviour. Though we live in the twenty-first century, and women are more independent than ever before, there still needs to be more support and awareness of the difficulties the victims face and the fear they have to live with.
I have taken my life back and I am enjoying my freedom to live as I want to. I have no one to answer to but myself. The past has changed me. It has taught me to consider my decisions carefully, and not to jump in and repeat my mistakes. I take nothing for granted anymore, especially not the people that support me and that have helped me along the way.
I used to feel that I was fighting my battle with Brian alone. I didn’t know which way to turn or what to do. When I eventually escaped from that life and told my family and friends about what I had endured, they were horrified. If you find yourself in the same situation, there are people out there who want to help you. All you have to do is ask. Name and shame your abuser and you will take away his power.
In a way we are all the makers of our own destiny. I moved on with my life and learned to trust again. It was not easy and in the beginning I thought that I was unworthy of having a normal life again. I no longer knew what my place in society was and I worried about what people thought of me. I had been stripped of any confidence and found it difficult to make decisions about anything. But I fought back with the help of my children, my family and my friends.
Appendix
FURTHER INFORMATION
If you or someone you know has been affected by any of the issues raised in this book, please read the information below.
Domestic violence is the threat or use of physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse in close adult relationships. This includes destruction of property, isolation from family and friends or other potential sources of support and threats to others including children. Stalking and control over access to money, personal items, food, transport and the telephone are also common examples of domestic abuse. The overwhelming burden of partner violence is experienced by -women. Domestic violence has severe and persistent effects on physical and mental health, and carries with it an enormous cost in terms of premature death and disability. If you are experiencing domestic violence there is help available. You will not be told what to do; you will be shown the options available to you. It’s your life and your decision.
National Services:
Ambulance Service Tel: 999/112
Garda Síochána (24 hours) Tel: 999/112 or your local Garda Station
Rape Crisis Centre National Helpline (24 hours) Tel: 1800 778888
Women’s Aid Helpline (10am to 10pm) Tel: 1800 341900
AMEN Helpline for Men Who Experience Domestic Abuse Tel: 046 90 23 718
Local Services for Women:
Information and support is available on many of the following areas: Domestic violence, rape and sexual assault, adult survivors of child abuse, crisis accommodation and refuges, empowerment and women’s rights.
Source: http://www.socialwork.ie/socialwork/web-directory/crisis-services/domestic-violence services/rathmines-womens-refuge-dublin
Reproduced by kind permission of www.socialnetwork.ie
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