The City Affair

by Helen Crossfield

  And yet, despite that unexpected jab of pain when she opened them again, the garden felt a much happier place with spring bulbs and newly formed buds on the trees bursting to unfurl in the warm sunshine.

  “It’s great that you could both get down here this Easter,” Pamela said as they sat down at the garden table together. “It seems a long time since we sat out here in the garden together.”

  “I know,” Tish nodded. “Too many years have gone by when all I’ve done is stayed up in town trying to get my acting career together. And I’ve just missed out on days like today. There really is nowhere better on a weekend like this.”

  “I worry about you up in London, all on your own, especially after what’s happened,” Pamela said ruefully. “It makes it easier for me to know that Simon’s up there too and keeps an eye out for you.”

  “I guess,” Tish said, as her mind flashed back to her evening with Cameron McKenna. “He’s been great since Dad died. But I just don’t want to analyse anything too much, especially not after everything that has happened. Men and relationships are not my favourite topics for obvious reasons.”

  “Well, I don’t want your life or any decisions you make to be affected by what your dad did,” Pamela said. “I can’t say it’s been easy, but I am coming to terms with things a bit more and I want you to accept things as well. I just don’t want you to be bitter, it’s not worth it.”

  “I am bitter though, Mum,” Tish said, frowning as she looked up into the sunshine. “When I stop and think about what Dad did, I don’t like him and I don’t recognise the man I thought I knew. I am his daughter, what does what he did say about me?”

  “You are your own person, Tish,” Pamela scolded, putting her arm around her daughter as they sat side by side. “You’ve got a wonderful life ahead of you, and I don’t want all of this to haunt you and ruin it.”

  “I know,” Tish replied smiling, despite her words. “And as surprising as it may seem, I’m trying hard to remember the good things about Dad, and there were many. It’s just that…”

  “It’s just that he was human and had flaws like all of us have,” Pamela said, kissing her daughter on the forehead. “At some point we have to forgive him. He did his best, was a brilliant fund manager and no-one said life was easy.”

  Tish pulled herself away from her mother in disbelief. “I cannot believe that you are so forgiving Mum, what’s happened to make you feel so ok about what he did?”

  Before Pamela could answer, Simon poked his head through the French windows that led directly from the sitting room into the garden, and called out to them both. “Is it OK if I come out? Don’t want to ruin a private conversation!”

  “Of course you can come out,” Pamela laughed. “We were so busy catching up I totally forgot about getting the coffee and the Easter buns. I’ll come and get them if you want, and then you can come and sit out here and enjoy the sunshine.”

  “No. It’s absolutely fine. I’ll bring the coffee down,” Simon shouted back. “All I need to do is add water to the cafeteria and I’ll bring the buns as well. It’s all been made very easy for me. Everything’s on a tray and set out just as perfectly as it usually is.”

  “Oh you are a darling, thanks Simon,” Pamela called back to him affectionately. “We got a bit carried away out here with the conversation.”

  “It’s probably best if we don’t talk about all of this personal stuff about Dad with Simon around,” Tish said quietly. “He gets quite stressed about it. I guess he thinks I’m being unfair, so I’m just going to have to deal with things in my own way.”

  “Ok, whatever you prefer,” Pamela said. “But I mean he knows all the gory bits so I’m sure he won’t mind us talking about the things you need to discuss. But as you wish. Why don’t you tell me about your few days away? You haven’t really told me anything about that yet. Where did you go?”

  Tish looked down at the grassed lawn which had spawned patches of moss since the previous summer when she had last sat in it.

  She’d forgotten all about New York since arriving. What the hell should she say? She couldn’t possibly tell her mother that she had met Daphne; that her father’s mistress had actually been alright and that she could have met Jake too if she’d wanted.

  “Er, I just did a few day trips in the end,” Tish said feeling her neck and face go red. It felt so uncomfortable. Of all the people she should be telling lies to, her mother was the one who deserved it the least.

  “Oh,” Pamela said. “I thought you were going abroad for a few days, which was the reason you needed your passport. I knew you didn’t know where you were going exactly but…”

  “Here we are,” Simon said, rescuing Tish from her mother’s intuition. “Fabulous coffee, cakes with Easter eggs on top and bright sunshine and fabulous company. What more could a man possibly ask for?”

  “Oh, yummy Mum,” Tish said, helping herself to a cup-cake and ignoring Simon’s humour. “Just as I remember them, you used to make these years ago when I was small.”

  “Yes,” Pamela smiled as she let Simon pour out the coffee. “I’ve been going through some of our old photos. There is a really sweet one of you when you were only about five with chocolate all over your face eating one of these cakes. Not only did it make me smile, it also reminded me of the recipe, so I thought I’d make them again. I took a whole tin to the WI cake stall yesterday, and they were the first ones to be completely sold out.”

  “I’m not surprised. They’re so delicious. What a really nice idea,” Tish said, starting to laugh. “I remember that day really well for some reason, like it happened only yesterday. We were in the garden pretty much as we are today.”

  “I know,” Pamela said. “Dad made you a tree house and you spent the next few weeks in it with your dressing up box, if my memory serves correct.”

  “Yes, I remember,” Tish said theatrically, sipping her coffee and smiling. “I was so happy back then. They were such happy days.”

  “Yes,” Pamela said, patting her daughter’s knee. “We’ve actually got a lot of happy memories, and life’s not that bad now. Just different, it depends on how you look at it.”

  “That’s why it is so sad about Dad and all the… complications,” Tish replied.

  “It’s only sad if you allow it to be sad,” Pamela said. “And today is not a day to be sad. It’s Easter which is a time of re-birth, and we’ve got things to do. I thought it would be nice to take Bertie out for a really long walk once we’ve had coffee. He needs the exercise and I’ve booked us into lunch at The Old Boar, and then I thought we could go down to Rye and walk on the beach. We haven’t done that for years. What do you think?”

  “Sounds great,” Simon said, eating another bun. “I’ve never been to either, but an old fashioned pub lunch and then a walk on a beach in warm sunshine with my favourite people and dog sounds too good an opportunity to miss out on to me.”

  “Yes Mum, that sounds perfect,” Tish sighed as she sunk into the garden chair. “I love The Old Boar and Rye. What are we going to do for the rest of the weekend? Have you planned anything or is it just the three of us?”

  “Well, I thought we could have a relatively quiet one,” Pamela said. “I’m going to do a big old-fashioned roast with all the trimmings on Sunday and I’ve invited Bernard over as well as he is on his own this Easter.”

  “Sounds good,” Simon replied, as he winked across at Tish. “You’ve got really good neighbours down here. I couldn’t imagine inviting any of mine in London round for Easter lunch. But I actually had a cup of coffee with the guy from the flat to the right of mine recently and we even discussed playing a game of squash. It may seem hard believe, but it’s taken us six years of virtually ignoring each other to get to that stage in our relationship.”

  “I think a lot actually depends on the neighbours rather than the location,” Pamela smiled. “But I couldn’t have got through the last few months without the village helping me through, and Bernard has been such a brick. It
’s been one of the main reasons I’ve been able to pick myself up so quickly and carry on.”

  “Well, I agree with the village being supportive. But you’ve also shown a real inner strength of your own Mum,” Tish said, getting up to hug her. “Don’t underestimate what you’ve done to make things as straightforward as they are. It could have been a bloody nightmare.”

  “Well, you’ve both shown more than your fair share of support for me, so you can take a lot of the credit too. Anyway, enough about me,” Pamela smiled. “I think it’s time you told us all about Double Lives Tish. The film is coming out soon and you’ve gone all quiet on us yet again.”

  “I know,” Tish replied tensely. “I just can’t bring myself to mention it. Even the name makes me cringe. You just couldn’t make it up. My first and only movie just about to be released just happens to have a name that kind of mirrors our own horrors. After what we’ve been through over the last few months it’s an irony too far.”

  “Well, I suppose now you mention it,” Pamela laughed nervously. “But I hadn’t picked up the connection until now really. However, I’m sure that’s you just thinking about things too deeply.”

  “That’s what I said to her,” Simon said, as he ate a chocolate bun. “She told me all about her theory when we got back to London. I told her not to speak such tosh but she insists that her filming Double Lives has created some mysterious parallel with her own life.”

  “I just don’t want to talk about it at the moment,” Tish said, irritated by Simon’s comments which reminded her of her own recent indiscretion with Cameron. “All I want to say for now is that the film seems far less significant than it did before Dad died. You can find out all about it when we go to the premiere, which isn’t that far away now. I’ll send you the tickets after Easter. I just want this weekend to be fun and to forget everything that has happened in the last year or so, including Double Lives. Can we just do that please?”

  Chapter 19 - London

  Easter had been a big success. The weather in Kent had remained glorious and, somehow, despite her anxiety that it might go horribly wrong, Tish felt it couldn’t have gone any better under the circumstances. She’d come back to London refreshed and almost ready to start living again.

  Simon had dropped her off at her flat, and she had intended spending a quiet night in to think about what to do next with her career and her life generally. He hadn’t pressed her to be with him mainly because he had to prepare for a meeting the next day, and she was grateful for the interlude this gave her.

  So she’d been surprised when the phone had rung twice that evening. The first call came through at 9pm and it was her mother.

  “Hello darling,” Pamela chirped. “I just wanted to check everything is ok? We didn‘t really get the chance to catch up on our own over the weekend as Simon and Bernard were around, so I thought I’d ring for a chat.”

  “I’m absolutely fine, Mum,” Tish replied, slightly annoyed that she’d rung up to catch up when they’d only just said goodbye. “And thanks for organising such a fab weekend, we really enjoyed it. I’d been dreading Easter to be honest. I wasn’t sure how the first one without Dad would feel. But somehow it was the opposite of sad, and you looked so much happier.”

  “Thanks,” Pamela replied. “I’ve found deep inner strength from somewhere. I suppose you don’t know how strong you are until strength is your only option. Frances sent me a card with those words on it when your Dad died, and I think they are perfectly true.”

  “Um, I guess,” Tish said. “They are quite deep. I never thought things would ever sort themselves out after the shocks of the last few months. But it’s true you at least seem to have found it in your heart to forgive and gained an incredible renewed zest for life from somewhere.”

  “Well I’ve come to realise that, despite everything, we’ve got a lot going for us” Pamela replied. “I’m lucky to have you, the house and enough money in the bank never to have to worry about anything financially. Your dad got some things wrong in his personal life, but he got pretty much everything else right and I’m just trying to keep all of what has happened in perspective.”

  “Good for you, Mum. I can’t say I’ve been that successful at putting anything into perspective,” Tish said. “But the Easter weekend has certainly helped me feel better about life generally. For all that has happened, we did have some really happy times, and I feel much better about going back to the house now too.”

  “That’s important,” Pamela said. “Look, I don’t want to keep you as you’ve probably got a lot to do after being away for the weekend, but the reason I’m ringing is I wanted to know why you didn’t end up going on holiday? You‘d been so looking forward to a few days in the sun. Nothing’s wrong is it?”

  Tish remained silent. Lying to her mother was definitely wrong! Finally she said, pretty unconvincingly, “Oh well nothing’s wrong exactly, it’s just that the holiday didn’t really go to plan in the end so there is not much to tell.”

  “Tish,” Pamela said carefully. “Look, I know you are trying to protect me from something. But you shouldn’t. I think we’ve both learnt from very bitter experience that it’s not the right way to do things. Please don‘t lie to me.”

  “I’m sorry Mum,” Tish said, beginning to cry. “I don’t want to lie but I can’t tell you the truth either. It will hurt us both. I just don’t want to continue talking right now if that’s ok. I need to have a bite to eat and get an early night. Sometimes the stuff that has happened to us recently just feels overwhelming.”

  “Of course it does,” Pamela agreed. “And I totally understand. Look we don’t have to continue this conversation anymore tonight if you find it too upsetting. But I’m always here for you. All you have to do is phone if you ever want to discuss things.”

  “Ok,” Tish said, biting her lip. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night, Mum and take care.”

  As soon as she put the receiver down Tish put her head in her hands. Hot tears began to fall down her cheeks. As she sat back in the sofa, her sobs and heartache filled the room. She cried for not being straight with her mother, she cried for her father and the fact he’d had to cover up years of his life, and she cried over the realisation that her father, however flawed, was never coming back.

  Despite everything that had come out since his death, Tish missed him dreadfully. He’d filled the house and their lives with laughter and fun, and he’d also been their rock and anchor. When she’d seen his dead, lifeless body with the blood drained from his face, the finality had not really sunk in. But over the Easter weekend it had actually hit her full-on.

  The final pieces of clothing and shoes her mother had not yet had the heart to get rid of - all still in the same places her father had always left them - had forced Tish to confront the brutal empty truth. She bitterly regretted that they had not all spent more time together and that her father had not told them everything.

  Whatever his complexities, Richard Thorpe had been her flesh and blood. Wiping away salty tears, Tish reached towards the phone, picked up the receiver and rang her mother.

  “Hi Mum,” she said quietly. “Look, you’re right. There have been way too many lies in the past. I didn’t go away somewhere sunny and never planned to. I went to New York to see Dad’s mistress who is, as it happens, called Daphne Lu. I just thought telling you would break your heart. It just seemed disloyal after all you‘ve been through.”

  “Tish,” Pamela said, not sounding angry at all. “You and your father both seem to have overlooked the fact that I’m made of strong stuff. I can deal with the truth much better than I can deal with lies. It was the way I was brought up, stiff upper lip and all that.”

  “But, it felt like I was betraying you—”,” Tish started.

  “That’s enough Tish,” Pamela said. “You clearly felt you needed to go, and you are an adult so you need to do what feels right.”

  “Daphne seemed alright,” Tish continued carefully, trying not to say the wrong t
hing but not exactly sure if there was anything she could say instead. “I mean she clearly loved Dad a lot. She said 9/11 had played a part in why it all happened, and that they’d both had alcoholic parents, so understood each other right from the start. She also told me that the child – his name is Jake – hadn‘t been planned.”

  “Um,” Pamela said. “Did you meet him?”

  “No,” Tish replied in an almost triumphant tone, relieved at the thought that she had at least probably done something right. “Daphne asked me if I would, but I just couldn’t face it. I have to be sure that I will want to see him again if I meet him. And I wasn’t sure.”

  “It’s a decision I’m sure you will want to consider more in the future,” Pamela said, trying her best to sound fair for the sake of her daughter. “I assume that if she worked with your father she has quite a good job and will continue doing that?”

  “I have absolutely no idea how senior she is but she looked pretty polished,” Tish said. “I know she works for Lehman Brothers, I mentioned the trust fund Dad had left for Jake just in case Heyworth hadn’t told her, but she didn’t really want to talk about it. But she did confirm that she and Dad had a huge row over Christmas, which may explain his odd behaviour.”

  “What had they been rowing about did she say?” asked Pamela, sounding more interested than Tish expected her to.

  “They’d rowed about their relationship,” Tish answered, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “Just before Christmas, Daphne had asked Dad to leave us and to make a proper commitment to her and Jake. She’d rung him up on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to force the issue.”

  “Well,” said Pamela. “If I had been in her shoes, I would have probably done the same if I’d had a young child. In a different sort of way that is why I stayed with your father. But we will never know now, whether your father planned to leave us or not. That does feel quite horrible though, just knowing he had so much on his mind before he died.”