Homegoing

by Janae Keyes

  “I saw the two suits on your dad’s bed. I think the blue one would be best.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  The awkwardness lingered in the air for a moment before Liam turned to me. I glanced up from the floor and allowed him to look in my eyes. He shook his head.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I can’t understand how I can still have feelings for someone so selfish,” he declared. I was completely taken aback. I didn’t understand what in the hell he was talking about. Yesterday he was kissing me and now I was selfish.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Selfish. You’re one selfish bitch. Your dad suffered for a whole fucking year, but you couldn’t find one damn minute in your schedule of making money helping people to see your own fucking dad.” He was standing over me, the rage was prevalent not just in his eyes, but his stance. I shook my head. “Don’t do that and act like some innocent princess. Mr. Cross always talked about talking to you, but never did you come up here to see him.”

  “I didn’t know he was sick,” I said looking up at him.

  “What? How did you not know?” Liam asked.

  “I didn’t know because he never fucking told me. He never said a word until two weeks ago. I only found out two weeks ago and I was moving surgeries around, so I could come see him next week. I was coming, and he died before I got here!” My emotions overtook my entire body and I was shaking. “He died before I got to say... goodbye.” At the last word, my voice cracked.

  I broke down. I sobbed like a lost child. It all came crashing down on me and I looked up at Liam who was bewildered with confusion.

  “You knew. You got to be by his side for a fucking year. You could have called me Liam. You could have fucking called and told me things were bad. I didn’t know a thing,” I told him as my tears continued to flow. “Whenever I talked to dad, he would give me the rundown of how everyone at the bar was doing and the hijinks they were up to, but he never said a word about being sick. Not a damned word.”

  “Beth,” Liam’s voice came softly as he sat down next to me.

  “Is that why everyone at the bar hates me? They think I ignored Dad while he wasted away?” I asked him as I remembered the other night and the nasty words spewed at me.

  Liam nodded. “Yeah.”

  “I only wish I had known,” I said honestly. “I only wish he had told me.”

  “I’m sorry I never called. I wish I had. Fuck, I wish you could have had more time with him. He was so proud of you and talked about it all the time.” Hearing Liam talk about Dad made me smile.

  “Thank you for being there for him. I don’t know what I would have done if he died alone,” I confessed. Though Liam and I had our differences, he was still the person who stayed by my dad’s side.

  Liam took my hand and held it tight. We sat together as my sobs filled the room. There was so much between us, but it wasn’t the time to discuss it. There would be a better time.

  Chapter Six

  Liam

  “She really didn’t know?” Dale asked me for the fifteenth time since I’d told him and others at the bar. I was just as shocked honestly. I’d been so angry at Bethany and I had considered her to just be a selfish woman.

  My only reasoning to why Mr. Cross may have not told her was he didn’t want to worry her. He always talked about how Bethany worked hard to make it in the world. She grew up without her mother’s influence and in our town the statistics had a very different outcome for Bethany.

  “She didn’t. Not until two weeks ago and she didn’t think it was so bad. He never told her how bad it was.” I shook my head thinking about it. I couldn’t imagine what Bethany was feeling. She’d only learned about her dad’s year-old diagnosis and he died before she could make it home.

  I wish I had called. I wish I could have been better. Truthfully, I was afraid to pick up the phone and call her. I hadn’t heard her voice in years. I’d felt if I called, she wouldn’t have answered my call. I’d been the one to break Bethany’s heart in the first place. Why would she want to talk to me now?

  The should have, could have, would haves kept racing through my mind. The truth of the matter was there was no going back and changing time. Life happened, and we had to move on.

  What else happened? I kissed Bethany. I’d given into years of pent up feelings. Had I regretted ending things with her? Hell yeah. I loved her so much. The last few days with her around reminded me of that. Last night, I held her as she cried and fell asleep in my arms. I left before she woke up, but not before cooking her breakfast.

  There was an entire life I had planned out with her before I fucked it all up. Most days, she came across my mind, especially the past year with Mr. Cross. I’d see her photos hanging in his house and wish I could turn back the clock to that day.

  “Heavy mind there Liam,” Dale commented before he gulped the final bit of his drink.

  “Another?” I asked, only to receive a nod from him. I knew the patrons of the bar well. I made Dale another rum and coke and sat it right in front of him.

  “Normally I’d talk to you, but something's on your mind. Want to talk?” Dale questioned.

  “I don’t know it’s–” The door of the bar opened and there was the blonde that occupied every part of my mind. “Bethany,” I breathed as her eyes connected with mine and a soft smile was creeping onto her lips at the sight of me.

  Time and reality both seemed to stand still as she walked into the busy bar. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. Her delicate curves were displayed in her tight jeans and tank top. The always high-browed Dr. Cross looked to be the most relaxed I’d seen her since she arrived back in town.

  It was as if the seas were parting the way bar goers moved out of her path for her to directly approach the bar.

  “Fancy to see you here...Dr. Cross,” I greeted her playfully

  “Hi. I’m just here to get some more papers from the safe,” she noted as she glanced around at all the eyes that were on her. I could tell she was uncomfortable being in the bar after knowing how everyone felt about her.

  “Head on back. Do you want me to bring you a drink or something?” I supposed I was trying harder to be hospitable with her and maybe trying to show her I was sorry for the mistakes of my past.

  “No, I won’t be long.” She moved away from the counter and rounded until she’d reached the door of the office she disappeared through.

  Fuck. It was almost like high school all over again. I turned to melted butter with her around. I missed that feeling, I honestly did. I missed how making her smile made me feel. I missed spending all night on the phone with her and listening to her infectious laughter as I cracked silly jokes.

  Those feelings had been buried for years but kissing her had brought them back to the surface. I’d forgotten how good it felt to have her in my life. I single-handedly fucked that up though.

  As soon as Bethany disappeared into the office, the door to the bar opened again. A group of girls came inside. All dressed like they were ready to have a good time in very short dresses and their cleavage barely covered in the small amount of fabric they sported.

  Right away, I recognized one of the girls.

  My ex laughed loudly at something one of the other girls said. She could barely walk and from the glassed over look in her eyes I could tell she was already pretty wasted and likely high as well. What angered me the most was the fact that she should be home with Serenati, who’d I returned home just this morning.

  One of the girls from her group approached the bar. It seemed they’d all gotten pretty trash before even arriving at the bar. I sighed.

  “What can I get you?” I asked as I studied her. I needed to know what type of women she was hanging around as likely my daughter was around them too

  “I need five tequila shots and five beers,” she informed me as I turned back to her girls and gave them a wave.

  “Coming up. I’ll bring them over.” I told her as she left her money on the counter. She weaved thr
ough the people drinking and playing pool to get to the table where the girls had set themselves up.

  I made four of the ordered drinks, plus a glass of water, and put them on a tray I promptly delivered to their table. I gave each girl except one, Kayleigh, a shot and a beer. Lastly, Kayleigh was given the plain glass of water. The mother of my daughter glared at me as she’d noticed I purposely left her out.

  Reaching into my pocket, I dropped off the left over change for the girl who had ordered and paid. The change included a refund for Kayleigh’s drinks.

  “And where’s mine?” Kayleigh asked, clearly pissed at me.

  “You don’t get anything. What you need to do is sober up and take your ass home. Where’s Renni? If you left her alone with that low life boyfriend of yours–”

  “Oh, fuck off Liam. She’s with my mom,” Kayleigh snapped with a roll of her eyes. “I’m not stupid.” From the corner of my eye I spotted one of her friends lighting up a joint.

  “No, we don’t do that shit in here. You put it away or leave. It’s your choice,” I snatched the drugs from her hand. Legal or not, Mr. Cross never would have allowed that in his bar. I broke the offensive thing in half, grinding it apart in my fingers, sprinkling the trash on the floor. I would bring the broom back and sweep it up when I was done dealing with my ex.

  “Ugh, do you know how much that cost me,” the girl spat as she glared at me, shoving her lighter back in her purse, mumbling about how I ruined her night. Tough. And I sure as hell didn’t want that around my daughter.

  I looked her square in the eye, “From the look of your outfit? A little wiggle. Now don’t bring that shit in here again. Got it?” I spun back on Kayleigh, “What were you saying about not being stupid?” I glared at her. “Come with me.”

  Kayleigh let out an exasperated sigh, but still followed me into a corner of the bar. I was done with her party girl and druggie hijinks. Our daughter was suffering, and she could care less. I tried to help her. So many times she’d come to my door and would fall to her knees for forgiveness and for my help. So many times she would betray me. Hell, once she stole a car from the garage when I let her stay the night. After that incident, my parents made it very clear she was not allowed to stay at my place. She wasn’t to be trusted.

  “You are so fucking desperate to party that you can’t even spend one-night home with your kid,” I growled at her.

  “It was still supposed to be your night,” she pointed out with her hands on her hips.

  “Yeah, that’s true but my bartender for tonight couldn’t make it in. I had to work because I have this thing called a job, which you wouldn’t know shit about.” I was tired of Kayleigh always making me out to be the bad guy. I worked two jobs and yet she was a drug addicted freeloader.

  “Hmm, that’s why you were so anxious to work tonight,” Kayleigh said as she nodded over toward the office door Bethany was exiting. “Your world always revolved around Bethany. Still does I see.”

  “Shut-up,” I spat as Bethany’s eyes connected with mine. She weaved back and forth through people until she reached me and Kayleigh.

  “I think I have what I was looking for,” Bethany mentioned as she held up a stack of papers.

  “Bethany,” Kayleigh began in a pitiful voice. Bethany’s eyes searched Kayleigh’s overly made up, crater filled face. “I am so sorry for your loss. Your dad was a really great guy and like a dad to me. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

  Suddenly, Kayleigh threw her arms around Bethany and pulled her into a tight hug. Bethany shifted uncomfortably as I watched the entire thing go down. Kayleigh pulled away.

  “God, I remember all those sleepovers and your dad making his killer cheddar popcorn,” Kayleigh reminisced to a confused Bethany.

  “Er...I’m sorry...who are you?” Bethany asked innocently.

  “Girl, it’s me...Kayleigh!” My baby’s mother said to Bethany whose eyes went wide with complete and utter shock.

  “Oh,” Bethany responded. “Umm, thanks. It’s hard, but Liam has been so helpful, and Olivia is in town–”

  “No way! Olivia is in town? We have to get together. Like old times,” Kayleigh squealed excitedly.

  “Like...ninth grade?”

  I held back a snicker at Bethany’s snide comment. It was true, Kayleigh, Bethany, and Olivia hadn’t been close friends since they started high school. Kayleigh went in a different direction and her fall was not graceful.

  “I should go,” Bethany said quickly as she held her stack of papers to her chest. She turned to face me. “I’ll see you tomorrow I guess, at the wake and viewing?”

  “Yeah, I’ll see you there.” I had so much more to say to her, but Kayleigh was standing right there. I wanted to talk to Bethany about our kiss and I wanted her to know how I felt, but I didn’t have those words yet.

  Bethany waved before she started out of the bar. I watched the door close and I could have gone after her, but I let the opportunity slip away.

  Chapter Seven

  Bethany

  I saw it in his eyes. Liam had something on his mind. Maybe that something had to do with why he’d kissed me the other night in the bar. I shook my head before glancing up into the mirror as I worked to put my final earring in.

  The thing that still shocked me the most was seeing Kayleigh last night. She looked absolutely nothing like the fresh-faced girl I grew up with. Even her voice was scratchier and sounded defeated. We were in our early thirties, but she looked like she’d seen more life than any of us. Her skin was wrecked from her rumored drug use and at only thirty-one she could easily pass for fifty or more.

  “I’d told you she looked bad,” Olivia said from across the room. I’d told Olivia about Kayleigh as soon as she arrived at the house. Unlike me, Olivia came home often and knew more of the goings on.

  “I was shocked. I mean, she used to be so beautiful and now–Wow! Drugs are intense.” I could barely find my words when thinking about the huge difference.

  “That whole crew she hung with in high school, they are all fucked up. I hear Missy is in jail for possession charges. Yvette hangs out at the Shell station off I-5 trying to bum cigarettes. Lindsey apparently comes into town every now and then, but she’s just as bad as Kayleigh. She’s living in the Bay. All of them are typical cases coming from Fort Shasta,” Olivia explained as she fluffed out her curls.

  “I’m just glad we got out,” I shook my head. Olivia and I were both dying to be far away from Fort Shasta and we put in the hard work to get away as quickly as possible. It was a toxic town that was going nowhere, but Dad insisted on staying. “Can you zip me?” I motioned to the impossible zipper on my dark purple sheath dress.

  As Olivia finished zipping my dress, the doorbell rang. I weaved through the stacked boxes in the hallway and reached the front door where I saw the reflection of multiple people through the glass, many of the people small. I grinned as I swung the door open to a man who was accompanied by three small children.

  “My babies!” I heard Olivia shout joyously from behind me. All three of the tan skinned and curly haired children ran toward their mother who bent to hug them all.

  A hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed as I watched Olivia greet her kids. I looked up to her husband, Jacob, his hazel eyes showing sorrow.

  “I’m very sorry for your loss,” he said in a somber voice.

  “Thanks,” I responded before turning back to my friend who was holding her youngest on her hip, the oldest two clinging to her.

  “Go give your Auntie Bethany a hug,” Olivia instructed.

  Suddenly, her oldest two came barreling in my direction and I opened my arms wide. The little girl with pigtails, the oldest at seven, and the middle child, Olivia’s only boy who wore electric blue glasses. Both children looked so similar, even with only having one parent in common as Jordin, her oldest wasn’t Jacob’s child, but he loved her as if she was.

  Olivia had a hard life and just when she thought things were looking up, t
hey crashed on her again when she’d been raped. At the time she and Jacob were dating, and he never batted an eyelash when they learned she was pregnant. I remembered that time so vividly. Olivia and I were living together in Seattle. I’d just finished med school and Olivia had a great job at an architectural firm where she’d met Jacob.

  I smiled at the two kids who stood with me. They were both a testament to the love Olivia and Jacob shared.

  “Have you two been good?” I looked into their deep brown eyes.

  “I’m good. He’s not,” Jordin pointed as her brother scowled at her.

  I laughed before giving each of them a kiss on their foreheads and standing to greet the smallest one of the children who was snuggled into Olivia’s arms. The little fair skinned girl looked so much like Jacob. She even had his bright gray eyes.

  “You’ve gotten so big,” I said with a gasp at the nearly two-year-old Olivia held. “Hello, Mikayla.”

  “No,” Mikayla’s little voice said before she hid her face from me and buried it in Olivia’s chest.

  “Aww, little cutie.” I gave her back a little rub.

  “Will we all ride together?” Jacob asked.

  “Yeah, I think we can all fit in the van,” Olivia said, and I laughed at my best friend even mentioning the word van. “Shut up,” she snapped. She knew exactly what I was thinking. Olivia always said she would absolutely never drive a minivan. She wanted two kids top and if she had anything bigger than a car it would be a hip SUV like a Range Rover.

  “Look at you, minivan and all,” I giggled as Olivia stuck her tongue out at me.

  “We should get going or we’ll be late,” Olivia motioned. She was right. I’d be going through the first phase of saying goodbye to Dad at his wake service.

  The service wasn’t going to be anything huge. There would be a body viewing, a few prayers, and scripture would be recited by Minister Garland. Dad may not have been religious, but he was a traditionalist, and this was just up his alley.