Homegoing

by Janae Keyes

  The ride from the house to the funeral home wasn’t long. As I arrived, I noticed some of the usual bar patrons right away. They all granted me with their condolences as we entered. The mood instantly struck me as somber, and the moment we entered the chapel, everyone fell silent. The only sounds were the hushed whispers that blended into the delicate piano melody that played in the background.

  Walking through the pews, I received waves from people already seated. I noticed Liam’s parents instantly in the second row. Mr. Howard was out of his usual mechanic jumpsuit and had donned dark khakis with a plaid shirt and tweed blazer. Bless that man for wearing tweed in the summer heat.

  Sitting next to Mrs. Howard was a small girl, about the age of Olivia’s oldest. She had freckles and red hair. She looked so much like Kayleigh with a speck of Liam, I knew automatically it was their daughter.

  “We saved your seat right here,” Mrs. Howard pointed out to the first row. I sighed. There was no other family but me.

  “Thanks,” I whispered to the woman I was once quite close to.

  Olivia sat next to me holding Mikayla in her arms, while Jacob sat in the back with the oldest two. A hand settled on my shoulder and I jumped to find Minister Garland looking down at me with his kind smile. I gave him a nod to carry on.

  I watched as Minister Garland motioned to one of the funeral home employees who opened the casket. I inhaled at the sight of my dad. They’d done a great job of giving him more life than he’d had at the hospital morgue. The suit Liam helped pick was perfect on him. A small smile crept to my face. At least he looked good. Dad would want to look good.

  After a prayer, some of those in attendance walked to the coffin. Some cried, while others proceeded to tell Dad’s body stories about good times they shared. I inhaled. I was the final one.

  My legs wobbled under me as I stood. I could barely make my feet take one step, but I managed to take one wobbly step after another. Standing over the casket I looked down at the face of the man who raised me. He looked at peace. It was almost as if he knew I was there. It would be the last time I saw him.

  Only memories and photos would remain of my dad. He’d never see me get married or have children of my own. Dad would never get the joy of spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with his grandchildren. Even through all my accomplishments, I felt like I let Dad down. I’d pushed the boundaries of my upbringing and society. I’d become a doctor and I’d become a success. Dad didn’t care though, he only wanted me near, and I’d failed him.

  “Daddy,” I whispered through my cracking voice.

  At the exact moment my knees gave way, strong arms were already holding me up. I peered up to see Liam next to me, his strong arms securing me close to him as tears trickled from my eyes and down my cheeks.

  “Hey, it’s okay,” he breathed as he held me close. My face against his chest as I cried all the pain and loss away.

  Liam helped me to my seat and he sat with me. His fingers laced with mine and he held my hand tightly just as he’d done the other night. It was enough to make me think he still cared about me, but I knew that wasn’t true. Liam only cared about himself and staying within his comfort zone.

  I sat alone in the funeral home until the last person’d left. I’d told Olivia to go on with her family. She’d spent days away from her kids to help me and she deserved her time with them.

  The still of the room comforted me. Dad’s casket sat closed in front of me. Tomorrow would be my final goodbye and as much as I didn’t want to feel the overwhelming sadness that filled me, I couldn’t help it.

  “They want to close up.” A voice startled me. It was Liam who stood next to the pew I occupied. I nodded, and he gave me his hand. “I’ll give you a ride back to the house.”

  We walked with his hand securing mine until we were outside, and his car sat waiting at the front curb. He opened the door for me. I got in the car and put on my seatbelt. The day had drained me of all my emotions and I still had another to go before Dad was going to be put in the ground.

  Liam got into the driver’s seat and started up the car. We were off down the road and toward my dad’s house. The radio played low enough I couldn’t exactly make out what was playing, and it was okay. Something about the quiet comforted me.

  “The service was nice,” Liam mentioned.

  “Yeah, it was good. I think Dad would appreciate it,” I answered as I watched the sunset in the distance.

  “He talked a lot about what it would be like when he was gone. He knew you’d be here taking care of everything. You were definitely his pride and joy. Crossroads meant a lot to him, but you were his everything. In the early days, I would sit with him at his chemo treatments. He would always have some story about his little Beth.” Liam chuckled. I turned to him and saw his perfect smile. My heart thumped. “He talked about how once he was in his office and you were about four and you thought it would be a good idea to spread butter all over the kitchen floor and he found you sliding across the floor on your naked butt.”

  “Oh God, I can’t believe he told you about that.” I was mortified but entertained as a laugh erupted from my belly.

  "Your dad was full of stories," Liam mentioned. I glanced up at him a smile on the edge of his lips. "You know I was always close to him, but this last year we got much closer as I would go to chemo with him. The nurses assumed I was his son, so we just left it at that.

  "Thank you for that. Really, thank you for everything. I'm mad at him you know. An entire year passed, and he didn't tell me anything. I would've been down here as soon as I could've if I knew he was sick. I would've been here a year ago." I couldn't help but wonder if there was some reason why he didn't tell me. I knew he didn't want me to worry, but I was his only child. He needed someone there. At least he had Liam.

  "I know now. I thought you were being a brat. A stuck-up bitch," Liam argued.

  "You know that's not me."

  "I know but..." His words trailed off. "Things change, people change."

  "And you thought I did."

  Liam shrugged, and we left it at that. There was a plethora of actions and words that we left unsaid. I had the feeling though it would all be left that way.

  Chapter Eight

  Liam

  We arrived in front of the ranch style house that Bethany grew up in. I parked in the driveway behind Mr. Cross’s old truck. I turned the key to shut off the rumbling engine. Bethany and I sat in complete silence only the soft hum of the radio in the background.

  “Guess I should go in,” Bethany spoke up.

  Glancing over, my eyes met hers. They were red and irritated from her crying. She was understandably mourning. An entire city was mourning Mr. Cross. The funeral home was overfilled with people from all over town. People from every walk of life filled the pews and stood in the halls.

  “I do have a couple boxes of things you might want. Some old pictures and what not. I think Dad would want you to have them,” Bethany spoke softly. The pain evident in her voice. She’d spent so many days with Olivia in that house as she packed away her father’s life into boxes.

  “Yeah, I’ll come in.”

  We both got out the car. The summer night was warm, and the crickets echoed all around us. Our feet crunched through the gravel as we made our way to the front door. Bethany took out her key as we approached the door and she unlocked it.

  Inside, the house was beginning to look and feel completely different. Most of the photos had been stripped from the walls and pieces of furniture were beginning to disappear. Bethany didn’t play around, and she was getting everything done as quickly as possible before she left Fort Shasta without looking back.

  “The couch is gone,” I noted as only the armchair that was a favorite of Mr. Cross remained.

  “I donated it to the shelter. When I was there I noticed they had one in the rec room that was pretty beat up. Minister Garland had a truck come over earlier to get it. Figured it could go to a place that deserved it,” she explained as sh
e sat her purse down on the coffee table. Next to her purse sat two boxes from the local hardware store.

  “I take it those are the boxes,” I commented as I stepped toward her and the table. Bethany nodded as I glanced down and right away saw a photo from prom night. It was of Bethany, Mr. Cross, and I before she and I headed out to the dance. “That feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.”

  Bethany chuckled as she picked up the frame and observed us from long ago. My smile freshly freed from braces and Bethany beaming as I placed a corsage on her wrist. We stood in front of the house. She was a vision in coral while I wore a black tux with a coral bow tie to match her dress. We were off for an unforgettable night where we would be crowned prom queen and king. It was also the night I told Bethany I loved her for the first time as we danced together on the Sundial bridge.

  “It’s amazing how much I think about those days. The good times. We grew up though, it was inevitable. Life continued as it does. I think we became good people. Through the shit that is Fort Shasta, we grew.” Bethany brushed her thumb over her dad in the photo as he smiled proudly.

  “Fort Shasta has its problems, but it’s not exactly shit,” I countered. “There are good people and they keep this town from completely falling apart. We lost one of the best, but life will go on as you said. It will have to continue I guess.”

  Bethany placed the photo back in the box. She turned away from me, but I had to see her face. I needed to gaze into her bright blue eyes the way I used to. Whenever I felt like there was nothing left, there was always her until she was no longer within my reach.

  My hand took hold of her shoulder and I turned her to face me. I could read the pain that was spelled out all over her face. She’d been broken more times than one, and I knew one of those most guilty was myself.

  “Beth,” I began, but I couldn’t find the exact words the way I’d found them all those years ago on the Sundial bridge.

  Instead, my other hand gripped her waist and I roughly yanked her soft curves toward me. I palmed her warm cheek, my thumb running over her warm skin. The sigh that came from her was gentle and screamed of the feelings she had for me that were buried deep inside. Releasing them was my goal as I pressed my lips to her soft pillows.

  Her moan enticed me as I deepened the emotion filled kiss. My tongue asked for invitation into her mouth with the slightest flick over her lips. Her lips parted, and I fought to deepen the kiss. My arm secured her body to mine as I inhaled her intoxicating rose scent. I’d kissed a few girls, but never had their kisses held the power of the ones I shared with Bethany.

  Lost in the kiss, shock ricocheted throughout me as Bethany pressed her hands to my chest and pushed me away. I stared back at her as she stood with her fists balled and her breathing erratic.

  “How dare you! How fucking dare you! You don’t just get to come in here and take advantage of my heart like this. I’m in pain, Liam. My dad just died, and I broke up with my fiancé. You are using that to your advantage. How dare you use me like that after everything you’ve done to me.” I witnessed the anger that blazed in her eyes.

  “I’m not using you.” I had to stay calm with her. She had to know the truth. I’d fucking messed up and I knew it. Mr. Cross wanted me to apologize to her and I’d planned to when she came for a visit three years ago, but she’d done everything in her power to avoid me and I never got the chance. “I’m trying to say sorry. I’m trying to say I messed up.”

  Bethany laughed almost manically before she growled. Her fingers ran through her thick blonde locks as she tried to concentrate on my words.

  “You’re sorry and you messed up. What makes you want to give me that apology now, seven fucking years later. Seven years have passed Liam. You left me for Kayleigh. You gave her the one thing I wanted. You had a child with her and you want to tell me now that you messed up?”

  “I think about it every damn day. I know I was wrong. I was scared. The future had so many unknowns and I was so fucking scared of what that future held in it for us. You wanted this life that was...Damn, I don’t know! It wasn’t what I dreamed about.” We stood face to face in the living room of the old house. It was the first time we’d duked it out since the break-up.

  “Why? Because it meant leaving behind your precious Fort Shasta. Sorry that my dreams were bigger than staying in this town, but you didn’t have to do it the way you did. You lost more than me that day.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked confused.

  “Spring break was coming up and I was coming out here, remember?” she asked, and I nodded. Her trip had been unplanned, and she was anxious to head down, which was rare for her. Normally, I would go up to Seattle or we’d meet halfway in Portland. “Liam, I was pregnant.”

  A similar shock ran through me as the day when Kayleigh revealed she was pregnant with our daughter. Unable to keep on my feet, I sat down in the remaining arm chair.

  “Pregnant? You were pregnant?” I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Before that break, it had been around two months since the last time I saw Bethany. We’d spent a weekend in Portland eating at little cafes Bethany had read about online and wrapped in one another as usual.

  “And then you threw me a blow over the phone when you decided we should go our separate ways. I never saw it coming and it broke every part of me. I’d decided I would eventually tell you about the baby, but I wanted to get myself together for a life of being a single mom. That was until I started bleeding one night two weeks later. I went to the ER alone and I was completely alone when I learned I’d lost the baby. I never told Dad. I never told you. Olivia only learned a month after.”

  Her confession blew me away. I had no words.

  “I was...I am a perfectionist. You know this. I’ve always had this control over most of my life. In academics I was always on top and I was on the way to a promising career. Losing you and the baby were things I couldn’t control and that broke my spirit for a long time, especially when I learned you were with Kayleigh and she’d gotten pregnant. I find it kind of funny that you want to say sorry now, when for the second time my spirit can’t find a way to repair itself. Dad was my constant through pain even when he didn’t know I was hurting.”

  “Bethany,” I whispered as I stood and stepped toward her. “I’m sorry that I let my fear do that to you.”

  “What were you so afraid of anyway?” she questioned as her eyes searched mine for the answers she desperately needed. She’d been waiting years for me to admit my shortcomings aloud to her.

  “You were bigger than Fort Shasta, I understand that. Fort Shasta is my home and my security. I had this dream of getting married and raising a family here, doing what I love. You wanted something different. You had your dreams of being a surgeon and leaving this town behind, and I thought with as much as you’d outgrown Fort Shasta, you’d outgrow me. I figured I’d make a clean break before my heart was broken. I fucked up. I know it and seeing you here, even under the circumstances, I’m reminded of my fuck up, and I’m reminded of my feelings for you. I think–No, I know I still love you even after all this time.”

  She had it. She had the keys to my heart and my emotions. There was no lying and there was no way than to lay it all out on the table for her. She looked taken aback and shocked. It may have been too much at once, but she needed it. Maybe it was the closure we both needed or an opening. Who knew?

  I picked the box on the table up into my arms and started in the direction of the door. I knew she needed time and I wouldn’t force her to give me anything else than she’d given me.

  “See you at the service tomorrow,” I said as I reached the door.

  “Yeah,” she mumbled quietly. I quietly left the house without anything more and headed down the gravel to where my car was parked. “Liam,” her voice called from the front door and I sharply turned to her. “I just thought you should know first. I’m selling the bar. I’ve spoken with a real estate agent and it will be going on the market.”

  I s
tood. It was my second blow of the evening. How could she walk away from the pride and joy of her father? He’d worked his ass off every single day to keep the place running and she was going to throw it away like a piece of trash. Crossroads was part of our town, it was a monument.

  “Don’t question it. It has to happen in order to pay off all the debt. I’m sorry, but it’s happening Liam.” I saw her remorse. Something inside of her wanted to hold on to that one piece of her dad’s legacy and I would have to figure out a way to save it. I wouldn’t just be saving it for me, or Bethany, but for Fort Shasta.

  Chapter Nine

  Bethany

  Even on the car ride to the church, the scene between Liam and myself played repeatedly. That kiss, his confession, and a confession of my own. We’d ripped off our band aids in order for the real healing to begin.

  I’d gone on autopilot and before I knew it, I was at the church and hadn’t remembered the ride over. The only thing that plagued my mind was the feeling of Liam’s lips on mine. It was a memory from long ago, and of the present wrapped into one.

  Between Liam and saying goodbye to dad, I wasn’t ready to get out the car. I sat with my eyes on the picturesque and traditional white steepled church. This was where I would let him go and I wasn’t quite ready. My days in Fort Shasta were hectic and there wasn’t a moment for me to sit down and realize what was taking place. With a deep breath, I opened my car door and stepped into the heat.

  My black heels clicked on the pitch asphalt as I approached the steps of the church where Olivia stood holding her youngest in her arms. It was the most somber of the days as mourners approached and entered the building dressed in black. I’d taken another route, I knew Dad would appreciate it. I stood in my dark peacock blue dress as guests arrived and gave me their words of condolence.