Indelible

by Shae Scott

  “How’s the patient?” he smiled, bringing me some water and my morning dose of drugs.

  “Better. I almost feel human again. I need a shower. Badly.” I smoothed my hair down. It was an oily mess and definitely didn’t warrant the way he was looking at me.

  “You sure you’re up for that?” he asked skeptically.

  “I’m sure. Trust me,” I smiled.

  “Maybe I should help,” he suggested. I gave him my best you must be crazy look in return. “Fine. I’m at least sitting outside the door in case you need me. No arguments.”

  “I never knew you were so overprotective,” I teased.

  “I’m full of surprises,” he smiled. He helped me to my feet and stood close by as I gathered some new clothes and headed off to the bathroom. I couldn’t help but laugh at his focus.

  “I’ll be fine. I’ll be out in a bit. Don’t go calling ambulances if I take awhile. I have a lot of grime to wash away,” I warned.

  “Fine. Just be careful and don’t over-do it. You have to get your strength back up,” he said.

  “Yes, Dr. Brooks. I got it.” I shut the door on his anxious face and started stripping out of the clothes I’d been living in for days. Just having them off of my body felt better. I turned the water on and let it get steamy. I grabbed my tooth brush, suddenly needing to brush away the horrible taste that had settled in my mouth. By the time I was done the water was hot and the steam was filling the bathroom. I’d worry about my lack of water conservation another time.

  The water felt amazing and while I was indeed weak and had to lean against the cool wall to rest a little, it felt good to be standing upright. Once I’d washed my hair and my body and soaked up the stream of hot water to my content I shut off the shower and wrapped myself in a fluffy towel. I had barely put my feet on the floor when I heard a soft knock on the door.

  “Everything going okay? Do you need anything?” Owen’s voice came from right outside the door. I shook my head, amused at his protectiveness.

  “I’m fine. Stop hovering. I’ll be out in a minute,” I scolded. Amused or not, I didn’t need to let him see that I was softening. I pulled my damp hair back with an elastic band and put on the soft yoga pants and tank top that I’d brought in with me. When I opened the door I fully expected to see my nursemaid leaned against the doorway, but he was nowhere to be seen. I glanced around the room, but there was no sign of him. I made my way back to bed and went to pull the covers back. New sheets. The man had put new sheets on my bed. Seriously?

  I crawled into bed just as Owen returned to the room. He was carrying a tray of juice and toast. “Feel like eating something?” he asked.

  “I guess. You really don’t have to keep waiting on me like this. I feel tons better. I just need to rest today and I’ll be good as new,” I said. His attention made me a little uncomfortable. I didn’t know where to fit it into the definition of us. We weren’t supposed to have an us anymore. Taking care of me when I was sick was really not something I knew how to process.

  “Stop fidgeting and worrying about everything,” he smiled setting the tray down. My eyes flew up to his as I wondered if I had been saying all of that out loud.

  “What?” I asked horrified.

  “I see your mind working. You’re either worrying about work or the fact that I’m here. None of that matters. So stop trying to figure it all out. Just sit back, eat your toast and rest. I brought you a movie to watch,” he said. He crossed the room grabbing up the remote and turning on the TV. I nibbled my toast as I watched him load the blue ray. He came back towards the bed and gave me a sheepish smile.

  “I know it’s probably asking a lot, but do you think I could climb up here and watch with you?”

  I nearly choked on my toast. Climb into bed with me? Not a good idea. But looking at him, all sweet with rumpled clothes and messy hair I couldn’t find a way to say no. Besides, the man had changed my sheets and brought me breakfast. He deserved to take a break and watch a movie.

  “Sure,” I managed.

  His grin grew as he fluffed the pillows behind him and sat back against the headboard. I watched the screen intently, waiting on the movie to start. His proximity was making me feel things I didn’t want to acknowledge and I wondered if I could take it back and kick him out. But, he was careful not to sit too close, giving me space, so it didn’t seem fair.

  The opening credits started and I recognized it instantly. “You’ve Got Mail!” I smiled. I loved this movie. It was one of my favorites and I loved that he remembered that.

  “All part of my get well theme,” he said. I eyed him curiously.

  “You have a theme?”

  “Yep. I was trying to be like Tom Hanks, bringing you soup and daisies. It worked for him when he was trying to suck up and get Meg Ryan to forgive him for being an ass,” he teased. I glanced over at the table where the bouquet of daisies still sat. Daisies…the friendliest flower. I couldn’t help but smile.

  “Good choice,” I said.

  “Think it will work?”

  “We’ll see.”

  15

  Owen

  At some point during the movie I’d fallen asleep. When I woke up the screen was blue and the soft sounds of Ally’s snores filled the room. I yawned and looked over at her. She was curled up on her side, knees pulled in, hands tucked under her cheek. She was close, I could feel her breath on my arm and I didn’t dare move for fear I would wake her and she would move away.

  She looked so beautiful. Delicate. I wanted to touch her, push the dark hair away from her neck. I wanted to scoot down and pull her to me so that she was resting in the crook of my arm. I loved it when she did that. She used to say that it was her favorite place to be, pulled in close and listening to my heartbeat. If only I’d realized how special it was to be someone’s favorite place. I’d give anything to be that place again.

  I watched her sleep, listening to her soft breaths creating a steady rhythm. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was dreaming about. Did she ever dream about me? Probably not anymore. At least not the good kind. Not like the dreams I had about her. The ones where I relived every special moment. She probably didn’t dream about the way things would be if I hadn’t been such a selfish asshole and messed it all up. No, if I were to find my way into her dreams these days I’m sure they would be more like nightmares.

  As I lay there watching her, my mind replayed all of the moments where we’d been happy. I could see them all in vivid detail. They were on a constant loop in my mind. They kept me going. Before I could stop myself I reached out and ran my hand along her bare arm. I couldn’t help it. I needed to feel her soft skin. It was a stolen touch, but the pull was too great to deny.

  I froze as she stirred ever so slightly. Afraid I had woken her up, I barely breathed, knowing if she caught me staring at her and touching her she’d have my balls. Instead, she seemed to snuggle into the pillow and I heard a soft contented moan escape her pretty little mouth. It made me smile. Maybe subconsciously she recognized my touch, had missed it as much as I had. Maybe this unguarded moment was enough to give me some kind of hope. Or maybe I was fooling myself like a deluded asshole with a needy heart.

  I snuggled down into the pillow and turned as gently as I could on my side so that I was facing her. I didn’t want to wake her; I just wanted to watch her. I wanted to soak up this moment with her beside me and pretend that things were different. To allow myself to hope that one day they would be.

  It wasn’t long before I felt the pull of sleep tug at me. I was too content here to keep it at bay. My eyelids began to droop in a heavy, slow motion blink. I tried to fight it, to keep her in my sights, but I was going to lose the battle. Pretty sure though, it was the best damn nap I’d ever had.

  When I opened my eyes again a pair of dark chocolate ones were staring back at me. She was awake and she was watching me. I blinked the sleep away to make sure she was actually there. I’ve had that dream before. It’s amazing at first, until it fades and
then it cuts like a bitch.

  But this time she was still here. Her eyes were still sleepy and she was still curled up, tucked in against her pillow. She was perfection. It was enough to take my breath away. My heart twisted as an overwhelming wave of love grabbed hold of me.

  “Hi,” I whispered, not moving. If she was going to stay here, this close to me I wasn’t going to do anything to change her mind.

  “Hi,” she replied.

  “You feeling okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I’m feeling better,” she said softly. Her eyes were still glued to mine and while I loved it, it made me nervous. This wasn’t the Ally I’d known these past weeks. Her guard had slipped.

  “Good. I can get you some water or some soup if you want,” I offered.

  “No. I’m fine. Thank you,” she said. I waited. She had something she wanted to say. I could tell just by watching her face. But I was going to let her get there on her own.

  Finally, after a long moment she said, “Thank you for the movie. And for taking care of me. All of it. I appreciate you being here for me,” she said.

  I couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks for letting me,” I said honestly. I may have been taking care of her, but she’d been healing me just the same. Each moment that I was allowed to be close to her was a balm to my heart. It gave me hope. It’s amazing what hope can do.

  We continued to stare at each other. I was afraid to break the gaze, afraid that things would go back to being strained.

  “Are you still tired?” I asked quietly.

  “A little,” she admitted.

  “You can nap some more,” I offered.

  She bit her lip and gave me a funny look. Had I said something wrong? Maybe she wanted me to leave. I’m sure I was making her uncomfortable.

  “Can I ask you for a favor?” she asked quietly. I saw the nervousness flash in her eyes. Whatever she was about to ask she didn’t really want to do it.

  “Of course,” I said, holding my breath, maybe she was going to ask me to leave.

  “Will you stay here while I sleep?” she asked.

  That’s not what I’d expected. “Of course,” I repeated, trying my best not to smile too big at the thought that she wanted me to stay.

  “Um,” she stammered.

  “What is it?”

  “Do you care if I...” She let her sentence dangle, unable to find the words. I studied her face; her eyes shifted towards my chest and then back to my face. I felt the smile creep across my face. I couldn’t help it.

  “Do you want to cuddle?” I asked. Please say yes.

  “It doesn’t mean anything. I just…would it be okay?” She was hesitant, but I wasn’t about to let go of an opportunity like this. If her defenses were down enough that she was going to let me hold her I’d take it.

  “Come here,” I said softly. I pulled her close to me and she snuggled in against me. The smell of her hair surrounded me and it was like all the pieces of my scattered life finally found their way back together. I ran my fingers through her hair listened to her contented sigh. This was home for me. This was my piece of perfect and I had missed it so much. I never wanted to leave this spot. I wanted to hold her for as long as she’d let me. I wanted her to let me hold her forever.

  16

  Ally

  I’m not sure why I asked him to hold me. I’d blame the fever if I’d still had one. But there was something about waking up beside him that had left me vulnerable. Being that close to his perfect face and smelling his unique Owen scent was overwhelming. Not to mention that he’d been taking care of me for days. It made my heart weak and in that moment all I’d wanted to do was pretend everything else away and just soak it up for a little bit. I knew it was dangerous, but it didn’t matter. I needed it. I needed him and the feel of his arms around me. It had been some of the best sleep I’d had in ages.

  But now he was gone and I was back among the living. It had been a rough go, but I was glad to be back in my normal routine. Glad to be healthy and away from the temptations of having Owen in my personal space. Unfortunately, he had taken up residence in my thoughts and it was hard to force him back out. He’d taken such good care of me and it was messing with my resolve to keep him far away. It made me question whether or not he really was changing. I tried not to go there. I really did. It’s why I was looking forward to my lunch with Cassie today. I needed a strong dose of tough love, strong medicine, and a dose of reality to wake me up and put me back on track.

  Cassie had been gone on a business trip and we had so much to catch up on. I’d missed her like crazy. I stopped by her office and leaned against the doorway. “Ready?” I asked. Her smile lit up the room as she looked up from her computer.

  “Yes! Get me out of here.” She clicked a few times and then grabbed up her purse and met me at the door. “Sushi?” she asked.

  “Like you have to ask,” I smiled. She linked her arm with mine and we headed towards the elevators.

  “I cannot wait to hear about what happened while I was gone,” she said as the doors opened and we stepped into the elevator car.

  “You mean when you sold me out to the enemy?” I teased.

  She shrugged. “Hey, I had nothing to do with that. He was already poaching when I heard from him,” she defended.

  “Yeah, yeah…well…you’re still on my list,” I laughed.

  “I can handle it. I’ve been there before,” she said confidently.

  We made idol chit-chat on our walk to the sushi place. It was just down the street, which was lucky or unlucky for us, depending on how you looked at it. Cassie told me about her trip and the big wig client she’d been schmoozing and how the guy’s son had asked her out. “He was so good looking. It took all I had not to go squeezing his biceps,” she said.

  “Did you go out with him?” I asked.

  “No. I didn’t figure it would be a good idea. No mixing business and pleasure. But I thought about it…all alone...at night. Seriously, Al, you should have seen this guy. He was like walking sex. I didn’t even care that he knew it. Trust me, that guy isn’t hurting for attention.”

  I laughed at her, enjoying the swoon that still graced her features as she thought back to Mr. Wonderful. “I admire your restraint,” I teased as we walked into the restaurant.

  “Right? I need a goddamned award for it. I should have snapped his pic on my phone,” she said regretfully.

  “Spank bank?” I laughed.

  She shrugged, “No shame.”

  Once we were settled in and our order placed, Cassie leaned forward on her elbows and gave me an expectant look.

  “I guess you want to hear about my time in quarantine?” I asked, sipping my iced tea.

  “You know I do. How long did he stay? What happened? Spill it all from the beginning.”

  I sighed and settled back into my chair. “Cassie, it’s all so weird. I guess Granny told him I was sick. So he shows up with medicine and soup and starts calling doctors. I was so out of it I didn’t even think to question it or kick him out. I guess he used his key to get in. Never occurred to me to get it back before,” I said.

  “Sneak attack. Ballsy,” she said.

  “I know. But honestly, I was grateful that he was there. I might have choked on my own drool if he hadn’t shown up,” I laughed. Cassie made a face at the visual.

  “You paint such a pretty picture,” she deadpanned.

  “It was bad,” I agreed. “But he was so good, so worried about how I was feeling and making sure I had anything that I needed. It was nice. I hate that it was. It just confuses me,” I admitted.

  “Understandable.”

  I told her more about it, how he’d slept in my room in the chair and brought me flowers and movies. I even told her about how we’d slept tangled up together.

  “I probably shouldn’t have done that, but I just needed to you know? Am I completely stupid here? Letting him back in?” I asked.

  “Is that what you’re doing? Letting him back in?” she asked.


  I took a moment to think on my answer. Was I? I hadn’t even realized I was considering it.

  “I don’t know. I mean, I shouldn’t, right? I should steer clear of him at all costs. It’s just that sometimes he really does seem different. It’s like I’m getting to know someone new, but at the same time he’s still him. The good parts anyway. I feel like he’s slowly pulling me back in and I just forget to resist it sometimes,” I admitted. I felt foolish admitting it all out loud.

  “Ally, I don’t think there is any right answer here. He’s obviously made some big changes in his life. I believe him when he says he has regrets and I even believe that he wants to make it right. Do I believe that he can? That he can let go of everything else and be who you need? I don’t know. I just don’t. And I think it’s okay that you don’t either. Don’t beat yourself up for letting him back in a little. Maybe it’s what you need. I’m not saying jump back into a relationship with him, but it’s okay to get to know him as he is now if you want. Just be careful. Don’t let his fine ass and sexy charm get the best of you,” she smiled.

  I laughed then sighed. “It’s just that when I’m with him now and he’s doing and saying all the right things I get confused. I remember too much about why I loved him. I just don’t know if it’s too little, too late. I’ve given him so many chances. I don’t know if I have it in me to lose him again,” I said.

  “I know. Just ease into the whole thing. You don’t have to go out of your way to decide right now. There is no right answer here. You’ll know,” she said.

  Cassie sounded so smart, so logical. I wanted to believe in what she was saying, that I hadn’t lost every bit of sense that I had. I was so torn. My emotions made me dizzy with the back and forth. My own heart couldn’t even decide what it wanted. The scarred parts wanted to run away and hide, but also yearned for the healing that came with having him close. It was messed up and more than a little exhausting if I put too much thought into it.