by P J Gordon
“He got a little better after that,” Mikey continued. “He was functioning at least—in a very minimal way. It was like he was empty though, liked he’d shut down and stopped experiencing anything. It was almost as if he was on autopilot.”
“How long did that last?” Manda made herself ask. The knowledge that she had hurt Richard so deeply triggered a sharp, physical pain behind her breastbone.
“Until yesterday morning, when we were leaving the airport after...well, on the way to the hotel,” Josh supplied. “That seemed to wake him up. It was the first time he’d really talked about you. I hoped it was a good sign, but then when he didn’t come home last night...” Josh grimaced.
A fresh wave of remorse pulled Manda under again. “I’m so, so sorry!” she groaned, dropping her head into her hands. “Will any of you ever be able to forgive me?”
“Forgive you for what?” Josh asked in a startled voice.
“For putting you all through this. I’m sorry.”
“What?” Josh practically shouted, making Manda flinch.
“Manda, of all the people involved in this, you’re probably the only one who has absolutely nothing to apologize for,” Mikey stated with calm conviction.
“Are all brilliant people stupid?” Josh growled angrily.
“Excuse me?” Manda replied, blinking at him in surprise.
“You’re blaming yourself for this? Do you understand how twisted that is? You and my brother both suffer from an overdeveloped sense of guilt. You two are probably the two smartest people I know, but sometimes you’re both so dense it’s incredible,” Josh railed. “I mean, really Manda. We should be down on our knees thanking you and begging your forgiveness, and you’re feeling guilty?”
“But I deceived everyone in the worst possible way. I made everyone I love miserable.”
Josh shook his head in exasperation. “Jeez, Manda. If it makes you feel any better, I retroactively give you permission to lie to me about being dead. I know you couldn’t very well ask my permission beforehand, but if you had I would have gladly given it. And my brother would have given you his, too.”
“Kastl said you’d say that,” Manda admitted.
“Well, he was right. And should it, heaven forbid, ever come up in the future, you have my permission to make me think your dead then as well.”
“Don’t even joke about that,” Manda said with a shudder. “Being dead is highly overrated. It’s no fun at all.”
Josh put a brotherly arm across her shoulders. “Seriously though, M, thank you for helping Richard have a normal life finally. I can’t imagine how much you’ve sacrificed for my brother—for my whole family. You’re a Godsend. It’s been hard watching Richard give so much of himself to everyone around him, knowing how alone he’s been.”
“What happened to his last girlfriend?” Manda asked. “How long ago was that?” She wondered if he’d given her any indication of the danger she was in. Had Chelsea gotten to her at all?
“Oh!” Josh blurted, as if she’d just said something completely startling. “I thought you knew.”
“Knew what?” Manda questioned, very curious to know what had caught Josh so off-guard. “We’ve never discussed his ex-girlfriends. I assumed he didn’t want to talk about them.”
“He’s never had another girlfriend,” Josh explained simply.
When Manda’s face reflected her disbelief, Mikey confirmed Josh’s statement.
“It’s true. Richard was just a teenager when this Chelsea business started. Not only are you the first and only woman Richard has ever loved, you’re the first woman he’s ever really allowed close.”
“You blindsided him,” Josh added with a satisfied grin. “He never even saw you coming. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. You make him happy.”
Rather than pleasing her, as she was sure Josh intended, his words planted a seed of doubt in Manda’s mind. Because of Chelsea, Richard had never dared let a woman get close to him. He’d never been in love. He’d never even had a girlfriend. How could he truly know that what he felt for Manda was real? Manda wasn’t exactly an expert when it came to romantic relationships herself, but she knew enough to understand that first love wasn’t always true love, though it had been for her. Mikey interrupted her before she could descend any deeper into doubt.
“Was there anything else you needed to talk about, Manda?”
She shook her head. “No. That was all.”
“Then I’ll call Richard and let him know he can come back. If you feel like talking again, in confidence, you can always come to me. I’m a very good listener. I might be able to help you work through some things.”
“So I’ve overheard,” she replied ruefully. “Thanks for the offer. I’ll keep it in mind.”
Mikey smiled reassuringly and then reached into his pocket for his phone and walked to the far side of the room to call Richard.
Manda took another sip of water. Her throat was still dry and she was very tired.
“Katie will be glad to see you,” Josh offered, changing the subject. “Your whole family will be.”
“How are the kids?” Among all of Manda’s worries, they had been near the top of her list.
“I have no idea,” he offered sadly. “They seemed pretty torn up at the funeral—everyone was—but I haven’t seen or talked to any of your family in six months. I tried to keep in touch, but Katie won’t even talk to me anymore. I think she blames us.” He shrugged. “I can’t really say she’s wrong. I think I was just upsetting her more by calling, like an unpleasant reminder, so I stopped.”
There was a world of pain and sadness in his brief explanation. Yet another unexpected consequence of Manda’s decision. She silently vowed to make things right between Katie and Josh again. She pressed her fingers to her temples and rubbed a small circle. Her eyes burned with fatigue and her emotions were still frayed from her discussion with Mikey and Josh.
“Richard is on his way back from the loft,” Mikey announced, returning to his chair. “He should be here in fifteen minutes or so.”
“Do you mind if I go freshen up?” Manda requested. She hadn’t worn any makeup for her tears to ruin, but her face still felt hot and she wanted to splash some cool water on her eyes.
“Of course,” Josh replied, jumping up and gesturing toward a closed door. “You can use…”
“You can use Richard’s bathroom,” Mikey interrupted, gesturing toward a different door. “We’re storing a few things in the other room.”
“Oh, yeah,” Josh agreed, looking a little uncomfortable. “You should use Richard’s.” He led her through Richard’s room to the bathroom beyond. After he left her, she turned on the tap and let the water run until it was icy cold. Then she filled her hands and submerged her face, repeating the process several times until the spots of hectic color in her cheeks had subsided. Satisfied that she no longer looked crazed, she patted her face dry and checked her reflection one last time. She was eager for Richard to return.
On her way back through his bedroom, Manda stumbled over one of her shoestrings. She paused to retie it, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Noticing Richard’s shirt tossed haphazardly across the pillows, she stretched across the wide expanse of duvet, barely able to reach the shirt with her fingertips. Without the energy to sit back up, she simply rolled over onto her back and held the shirt to her face. She inhaled deeply, hoping to catch some scent of Richard lingering on the fabric. There was nothing though. It just smelled clean.
She held the shirt to her chest and concentrated on relaxing. She didn’t want Richard to know how intense her conversation with Josh had been. She could hear the younger man chatting with Mikey in the next room. Their voices were comforting and familiar. It sounded like coming home. There were still problems to work out and people she had to face, but for the moment she could just enjoy being back and safe while she waited for Richard to walk back through the door.
Chapter 56
Richard was stretch
ed out on the bed beside Manda, leaning on one elbow as he watched her sleep. He hated to wake her. When he’d returned to the hotel after retrieving the engagement ring from the loft, Kastl had met him in the lobby and asked about her. How was she coping? Had she slept at all? His concern had inspired a spike of jealousy in Richard, but he’d suppressed it and answered the questions. He was very conscious of just how much he owed Kastl.
In return for this information, the other shapeshifter had filled Richard in on Manda’s mental and emotional state over the last several months. Hearing what Manda had gone through because of him had been a knife in his heart.
Kastl had come to talk to Mikey and when they arrived upstairs Manda had been asleep on Richard’s bed, cradling his shirt in her arms. No one had even considered waking her. Sleep was what she needed most now. Richard had very carefully tucked her under the blankets, taking great pains not to disturb her.
Kastl was on his way out of town and wanted to tie up some loose ends with Mikey. He hadn’t stayed long. After reassuring himself that Manda was sleeping peacefully, he’d asked Mikey to go as far as the lobby with him so they could talk. Richard thought Kastl was relieved that she was asleep as much for his own sake as hers. He’d been able to see her without having to face her. It was probably easier for him that way.
As soon as the two agents left the suite, Richard had outlined his plan for the evening to Josh and then laid down where he was now. He’d simply watched her and pondered how much life could change in 24 hours. Now, however, it was getting late. He should wake her. He’d made dinner plans for them and she’d want time to prepare.
Like the prince had done for Sleeping Beauty, Richard bent over her and woke her with a kiss. He smoothed her hair away from her face and pressed his lips to hers. It was a light, gentle kiss and he pulled away when she stirred. His face was just inches from hers when her eyelids fluttered open. A beatific smile illuminated her features and she sighed contentedly.
“You’re back.”
“You fell asleep,” he replied with a soft chuckle. If she could state the obvious, so could he.
“What time is it?” she asked, stretching lazily and cuddling closer to him.
Richard felt a familiar stirring of desire. Grinning wryly, he gave her one more brief kiss and then sat up, swinging his legs off of the edge of the bed.
“It’s almost time for dinner.”
“You should have woken me when you got back,” she complained mildly. She sat up as well, taking a position cross-legged beside him on the bed.
“I wouldn’t have woken you now if I hadn’t made plans for dinner. You need sleep.”
Manda’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve been talking to Kastl, haven’t you?”
“He was here while you were napping,” Richard admitted. “He left with Mikey.”
Conflicting emotions flitted across her face. Relief and annoyance? When she spoke it was to change the subject though.
“What kind of dinner plans? I don’t have anything to wear. Literally. Nothing but what I have on.”
“What you’re wearing is perfect. I’m going as-is myself.” His jeans and pullover were as casual as her jeans and long-sleeved t-shirt. “Kastl brought your things from your hotel though. You and I will be dining at the loft. One thing we need to determine is where you’d like to spend the night. We can get you a room here if you’d like, or you can stay with us in the suite. Mikey and Kastl cleaned out the extra room while you were sleeping. If you’d like, you can go to Emily and Andy’s. I’m sure they’d put you up, but Josh said you weren’t ready for that yet.” Manda shook her head, confirming Josh’s assumption.
“Or we can all move over to the loft,” Richard concluded. “You can stay in the guest room.”
“It’s okay with you if I stay at the loft?” she verified hopefully.
“Of course,” he assured her. It was probably best not to mention that he would have been miserable all night if she’d chosen one of the options that took her too far from him.
Manda scooted to the edge of the bed beside Richard and swung her legs over the side. They didn’t reach the floor.
“Why are you staying in a hotel anyway?” she asked. “Why didn’t you just stay at the loft?”
Richard grimaced. “Because there’s so much of you there. Josh and Mikey didn’t think I could handle it. They were probably right. Now that we’re back in town, they were planning on selling the loft and letting Mikey’s apartment go.” He lifted her hand and pressed a kiss to her fingertips. “But that’s all changed. Now, you should get ready to go. Dinner will be waiting.”
Richard went over a few final details with Josh while Manda freshened up. His brother would be joining them in the loft after Richard’s dinner with Manda was over and some things had been resolved. It was strange…Richard wasn’t nervous at all this time.
Mark was waiting at the loft when Richard and Manda arrived. He had been incredulous and excited earlier when Richard had explained about Manda. He’d been quite fond of her and greeted her with a warm hug before leaving them alone for the evening.
Richard had asked Mark to arrange everything for dinner and he’d taken care of it admirably. The lights were low and candles cast a romantic glow over the table. The food was from Manda’s favorite Italian restaurant—the one Richard had taken her to on their first official date.
“We have the table up front, Miss,” he said, escorting her to a small table set up by the wall of windows and pulling out her chair with a flourish.
“Everything looks beautiful,” she said caressing the rose beside her plate, “and it smells heavenly!” Her stomach growled its agreement and she grinned sheepishly.
Richard chuckled. “Well, I’m starving. Let’s eat.”
During dinner they talked about anything and everything, from the important to the mundane. They had been apart for so long, it seemed they should have a great deal to catch up on. There was not as much as Richard would have expected though. He realized just how much he had isolated himself. In many ways he’d been more detached from the world than Manda had. She asked about Sarah and Daniel but he could only tell her that he thought they were well. He hadn’t spoken to them in…how long had it been? He couldn’t remember. He would have to call them tomorrow and tell them about Manda. They would be delighted.
Manda asked him about Chelsea. That was one of the most intense subjects she asked about and he told her the whole story. When he was done, he apologized. More precisely, he begged her forgiveness for putting her in danger and not warning her.
“I was going to tell you that night, but I should have told you sooner. I just hope…” At that point Manda shushed him.
“I’ve thought about that a lot. I’ve had a lot of time for thinking. I can’t say you were wrong to keep it from me. I can’t say you were right, either. There are good arguments for both sides and no clear right or wrong answer. You did what you thought was best. You did what you did because you love me. I can’t ask for more than that.”
This was just another example of Manda being too forgiving, but as David had told him over a year ago, she deserved better. It was time to be done with secrets.
“I don’t deserve you, Manda, but I’m going to try. So, no more secrets. There’s something I need to explain.”
Manda’s eyes became wary. He hated the fact that she obviously expected the worst, but he knew it was his own fault. She hid her concern with a joke.
“Don’t tell me that in addition to being a rockstar and a shapeshifter you’re also a spy?”
Richard’s mouth fell open in shocked surprise. She was kidding, but she was closer to the mark than she knew. He’d planned on explaining that a little later in the evening, but since she’d brought it up he supposed now was as good a time as any.
“Well, not exactly,” he responded carefully.
“Meaning?” Manda prompted with surprising equilibrium.
“I’m not really a spy,” he declared, choosing his words car
efully and trying to avoid any clichés. “I’m more of a classified operative.”
Manda gave him a look that implied he was hiding behind semantics. “But you’re not a spy?”
“No,” he explained. “I don’t spy on anyone. I’m not an intelligence agent. I only do humanitarian work…rescue operations and things like that.”
“Top secret rescue operations,” she stated matter-of-factly.
“Yes,” he chuckled. “You don’t seem surprised.”
“Oh, I am, believe me, but it makes perfect sense. Kastl said you were all valuable to the government and you can do things no one else can. Is that what Kastl was talking about when he said you hadn’t worked in months?”
Richard scowled. “Kastl talks too much.”
“I know!” Manda agreed in exasperation, but her face took on a troubled cast. “It’s because you didn’t want to leave me…because of Chelsea. That’s why you ‘weren’t working,’ wasn’t it? And I made your life more difficult. I’m sorry I… When I found out you were following me… I… I’m so sorry. I just didn’t understand.”
“Never apologize for that, sweetie. If anyone else was following you like that I’d have called the police myself. You don’t owe me any apologies about anything.” He owed her a lifetime’s worth, but she didn’t owe him a single one.
She shook her head in disagreement though. “I owe you more than an apology for letting you think I was dead. I hate myself for that.”
A flame of anger ignited in Richard. “I practically got you killed. Why are you beating yourself up for doing what you had to do to stay alive, Manda? It was entirely my fault and I won’t have you blaming yourself for anything. I let my own selfish desires put you in danger. I’ll never be able to forgive myself, much less expect you to forgive me.” He stood and stalked away from the table. Stopping in front of the wall of windows, he stared out over the city lights and shoved his hand through his hair. He took a deep breath. Calm down, he ordered himself. This isn’t how tonight should go. He turned back toward Manda and was dismayed to see that he’d already spoiled the mood. She was clearly angry. Richard sighed.