It's Always Been You

by Jessica Scott

  Ben smiled at the way she blurred the words. Like she was an old soldier just like her dad. “You doing okay? How have you been?”

  She was skittish now. More than she had been. Ben had no doubt that something had happened.

  And as much as he prayed he was right about his old platoon sergeant, he couldn’t help but worry that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong.

  “We’re good. My dad just needed to ride in and I figured I’d come with him.” She hugged her arms to her chest.

  Ben offered a hollow smile. It felt empty. “I’m glad you stopped by.”

  “Hailey—”

  Escoberra stopped outside Ben’s door.

  The world froze as Ben stared at his old NCO. Escoberra had aged hard in the last week or so. There were lines on his face Ben didn’t remember. Hard shadows under his eyes. “Sir,” was all he said.

  Things should not have been like this. They should not have been stilted and awkward, as if they were two strangers. But they were.

  And it was Ben’s fault.

  “Hey, old man.” Ben’s joke fell flat but still Escoberra offered a token grin.

  “I can still whip your ass,” he said. There was forced lightness in his voice. “Come on, Hailey.”

  “Nice to see you, Ben.”

  “You too, Hailey.”

  And he was gone, leaving Ben feeling awkward and embarrassed and ashamed of everything he hadn’t done.

  “He’s trying to get himself put on assignment. Maybe to Germany,” Sorren said, stepping out of his office.

  Ben pressed his mouth into a flat line. “I haven’t said thank you yet.” He glanced over at his first sergeant. “But thanks for taking care of everything with him. I lacked the ability to be objective.”

  “I know you did, sir.” Sorren gripped his shoulder hard. “That’s why I’m here.”

  * * *

  “Ladies and gentlemen, the ceremony will begin in five minutes. Please take your seats and turn off all electronic devices.”

  Olivia scanned the stands on the edge of Cooper Field in front of the division headquarters, hoping to find a place to sit. Battalion-wide changes of command were unusual and it showed in the lack of space in the stands. Everyone who wasn’t standing in formation on the field was jockeying for a spot to sit on the bleachers.

  Reza melted out of the crowd, looking massive and intimidating in his black Stetson. Olivia sought him out, knowing he was a safe bet in the crowd of strangers.

  “Emily didn’t come?” she asked, moving to stand next to him.

  Reza nodded in greeting but stood, arms folded over his chest, his gaze focused on the crowd of soldiers on the field. “She’s on call at the clinic. She’s upset she couldn’t be here.”

  “When will it be your turn?” she asked, searching through the crowd of faces, trying to find the one person she was looking for.

  Reza looked down at her. “I won’t take command. I’m enlisted.”

  “I know. I meant for you to be the first sergeant,” Olivia said, mirroring Reza’s stance.

  “I don’t know,” he admitted roughly.

  She placed a palm on his upper arm. He looked down at her. “You’ll get your shot, Reza,” she said quietly.

  He grunted. There was disbelief in that sound. A rough, cutting disbelief that he’d ever get his feet fully back beneath him without the aid of the bottle that had sheltered him for so long.

  She skimmed the field, looking for Ben, wishing she wasn’t such a coward that she could call him. But the walls around her heart were too high, the shame that she had not been able to save Hailey from her father too heavy.

  She saw him there, at the edge of the giant First Cavalry Division patch in the middle of the field. His expression was tight, the smile pasted on his mouth not reaching his eyes. His movements were tense, his shoulders stiff.

  He looked over in her direction. And in a thousand years, she never would have figured he’d spot her in the mass of soldiers.

  But he did. His gaze locked with hers. Time hung suspended and the world fell away.

  It was the pain, however, that overwhelmed her, tearing at her with a violent sense of loss.

  And then he looked away, leaving emptiness. Leaving her alone, just like always.

  Then there was nothing more to say as the ceremony started. She stood with Reza near the stands. Saluted when they played the national anthem. Bowed her head at the chaplain’s invocation.

  She did all the formal things in the ceremony but her eyes were focused on Ben at the front of that formation. He stood straight and tall. His Stetson made him appear larger than life.

  A warrior stood on that field. A warrior with a sense of humor and a good heart. She folded her hands at the small of her back and wished that things hadn’t gotten so utterly and completely screwed up.

  She’d thought she could handle things with him. Thought she could keep things light and casual.

  Things never worked out how she planned. And Ben wasn’t a man that was used to being handled.

  This was where things stood now. An abrupt ending to their casual thing.

  She was going downrange with this unit so she needed to figure out how to fix things—or at least get them back to some semblance of professional. The men behind Ben would follow him into combat. He wanted to bring them all home. What commander didn’t?

  But there was something else that nagged at her. Ben had lost friends in battle. She knew that. But how would he react to losing men in a formation he commanded? Would that be different?

  She didn’t know.

  If someone had asked her last week, she would have said she wanted to be that person he leaned on if he needed someone. Now? Now she was worried he would do what so many of them did, and stuff it down just to drive on with the mission.

  The ceremony continued as LTC Gilliad walked in front of each command team. He took the guidon from each executive officer and handed it to the new commander.

  And then he stopped in front of Ben.

  Ben’s hands closed over the staff, his movements sharp and stiff. Olivia felt a surge of pride as Ben accepted the guidon from LTC Gilliad.

  The man sparked something inside her. Something she hadn’t allowed herself to feel before.

  He’d been there. Allowed her to lean when she’d thought she was going to tear apart. And she’d ruined it. Ruined everything by being too driven, too focused on the idea of justice rather than on the people involved.

  The formation came to attention. The narrator informed them that this concluded the ceremony and they could join the new commanders in the battalion conference room for a reception.

  Her phone buzzed violently in her pocket and she wove to the edge of the mass of people surging the field to congratulate the new commanders.

  “Major Hale.”

  “Hi Major Hale, this is Sarah Childress with the high school.”

  Childress. The school nurse that had worked with CPS on the Escoberra case.

  “Yes ma’am? How can I help you?”

  “I’m not sure if you’re the right person but someone told me today that the Escoberra case has been closed?”

  Olivia’s throat closed off. “Yes, I’m afraid that will be the case,” she managed.

  “Why?”

  Olivia sighed heavily. “I can’t really go into those details,” she said softly.

  That single word sliced at her, cut deeply at her sense of purpose, at her sense of what was right in the world.

  Silence on the other end of the phone. “No one talked to me,” Ms. Childress said.

  Olivia’s skin crawled. “Excuse me?”

  “I gave a statement but there’s more to this story than you know. And I can probably lose my job for telling you this, but someone needs to do something before that man does some permanent damage.”

  Olivia didn’t stay for the reception.

  * * *

  Ben searched the faces in the crowd but no matter how many times he looked, he kn
ew the truth. She wasn’t there.

  She had probably gone back to work but he’d hung on to the foolish hope that she would stay.

  “She was here,” Reza said, sneaking up behind him.

  “I really hate it when you practice that ninja shit,” Ben grumbled. “And how do you know who I’m looking for?”

  “You’re scanning the field like a lovesick puppy. It’s pretty obvious,” Reza said, folding his arms over his chest.

  Ben sighed and rubbed his finger beneath the band of his Stetson. “Oh. Well.”

  “How did you already manage to screw things up with her?”

  Ben stilled. The world fell away, his focus concentrated on Reza’s next words. “How do you know things are screwed up?”

  “Call it my finely tuned intuition,” Reza said dryly.

  “Not funny.”

  “Who’s laughing?”

  Ben sighed. “We had an argument. About Escoberra.”

  “And?”

  “And I screwed up. What else is there to report?” Ben snapped.

  Together they started walking toward the battalion headquarters and more congratulations. And cake. There would be cake at the reception.

  Ben scoffed quietly. Cake was the only good thing coming out of this day.

  As they rounded the corner of the pavilion and headed toward the conference room where the massive spread of food and cake was, Ben stopped short.

  His mother stood there talking to his battalion commander.

  A cold wave crashed into him and damn near drowned him in its wild, unrestrained intensity.

  Five years since he’d seen her last. Five years since she’d shown up in that hospital in Baghdad and told him in no uncertain terms that he was not getting out of the army. That she was not going to let him ruin his life over some sentimental bullshit ideals.

  His mouth went dry. His heart froze in his chest. He didn’t know whether to stand his ground or turn and hide.

  He didn’t know what to say. What to do.

  How to react. His heart skittered roughly in his chest.

  She spotted him.

  And her face spread into a warm smile that he would have killed for a decade or so ago.

  Now?

  Now his breath caught in his throat. Now a slick sweat broke over his skin. Now he straightened as she approached with his commander. He saluted because she was more Colonel Teague than Mother and because he honestly didn’t know how else to react.

  Falling back on rigid customs and courtesies seemed like as good a plan as any.

  His hand trembled as he saluted.

  “You don’t salute your mother,” she said. Her voice was warmer than he remembered. Her hair was steel grey, her face regal and polished. She was more beautiful than he remembered. Older. But still beautiful.

  Still the mother that he remembered before Dad had left them both alone.

  She would forever be frozen in his memory looking like she had the day his dad died.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Wasn’t sure.”

  LTC Gilliad offered a quick salute. “I’ll let you catch up. Ma’am, it was nice seeing you again.”

  She returned his salute sharply. “You, too, Brian. Take care of my son.”

  “Will do, ma’am. I’m confident he’ll make you proud.”

  Ben glanced over, realizing that Reza had stood fast by his side, not leaving him to face his mother alone.

  God, but he loved that man for not leaving him alone right then. Ben wasn’t sure he could have held his bearing. Old hurts wrestled with something new and unexpected.

  Something he couldn’t name.

  “Mom, this is Sergeant First Class Iaconelli. He’s a good friend,” Ben said.

  He waited for the flicker of disapproval but none came. She extended her hand and Reza shook it. “I’ve heard a lot about you, ma’am,” Reza said.

  “That’s probably not a good thing,” she said quietly. Ben didn’t know how to react to this woman who was so much warmer than he remembered. “I know you weren’t expecting me,” she said to Ben. “But I didn’t want what happened between us to keep me from seeing your big day.” Her eyes glittered darkly. “Your father would be very, very proud of you, Ben.”

  Ben swallowed a hard lump. His eyes stung and he blinked rapidly. “Thanks, Mom,” he said when he was certain he could speak without embarrassing himself.

  She cleared her throat quietly. “I requested to be assigned here at Fort Hood.” She paused and there was a flicker of uncertainty in her dark eyes.

  “Oh.” Again, Ben didn’t know what to say. He stood there, rooted to the spot.

  “I just wanted you to hear it from me,” she said softly. “I’ll let you get going to your reception.”

  She turned to go. Ben’s throat locked up and she was a good fifty feet away before he could speak. “Mom?”

  She stopped, turning back to look at him. In that moment, Ben realized that Dad would always stand between them. Dad had been the one they’d both loved but they’d been a family once. Once she’d laughed and loved him as much as she’d loved his father. But then Dad had died and at that moment, Ben knew it was grief, powerful grief that had torn his mother away from him. Because his mother had loved his father. With everything she had. Suddenly, he could no longer summon the energy to be angry with her for leaving him after his father had died.

  Because she’d thought she had nothing left when his dad died. He’d hated her for so long for not loving him enough.

  But grief was a powerful thing.

  His throat closed off. He knew, in that instant, he knew that what he’d lost with Olivia could have been that kind of love.

  He studied the woman who’d been so distant, so cold in her grief. The years of bitter cold that stood between them wouldn’t fade in a day. But his mother had made a powerful leap of faith today.

  It was Ben’s turn to take the same leap and meet her halfway.

  “Thanks for coming today,” he said finally.

  She nodded quickly and Ben suspected that her eyes were more than a little wet.

  It wasn’t like they were going to be having Sunday dinners or anything, but a little bit of the anger and the hurt faded in that moment.

  He stood, keenly aware of Reza next to him. Finally Ben broke the silence. “Now how was that for a Hallmark moment?” he asked lightly.

  Reza gripped his shoulder. “I see where you get your charming good looks. Your mother is a handsome woman.”

  Ben glanced over at his longtime friend. “I didn’t know you had a thing for cougars,” he said.

  Reza laughed and slapped Ben hard on the shoulder. “Smart-ass.”

  Ben grinned but it didn’t last. They walked into the headquarters and toward the crowded conference room, which was filled with soldiers from across the battalion, all coming to see the new commanders, and for a slice of free cake. Olivia was nowhere to be seen, and Reza’s warning hung over his head like a shroud. Just then everything was piling on. He had not been prepared to see his mother at the ceremony today. It unhinged all the boxes he’d stuffed everything into and locked away.

  Now it felt as if he had a hadron collider inside him. He was weighed down with responsibility now. The guidon. His soldiers.

  Olivia.

  They’d moved beyond something casual to something deeper and Ben had let stupid pride screw it up.

  He needed to call her. To make the effort to bridge the chasm between them.

  He smiled and nodded and made polite conversation but as the morning drew on, he couldn’t shake the unsettled feeling that something big was coming.

  Chapter Twenty

  “You need to call the lawyer, sir.”

  His first night officially in command and he was standing on a street corner outside a shitty apartment complex on Rancier Avenue with his first sergeant because Zittoro had called and told them that Foster had broken restriction. This place was not exactly known for its family-friendly atmosphere.

 
Ben sighed and glanced over at his first sergeant. The streetlights overhead flickered and hummed. “Is it petulant and wrong if I don’t?”

  “Yes. Yes sir, it is.”

  Ben sighed and pulled out his government-issued cell phone that he’d taken ownership of when he’d taken the guidon. He was officially tied to his e-mail and phone now. He figured he at least had a chance of getting through to Olivia without her hanging up on him if he called from the official phone.

  Goddamn it, he wished things hadn’t gotten so screwed up between them.

  He dialed her number, his heart tight in his throat while it rang.

  “Major Hale. May I help you, sir or ma’am.”

  “Olivia, it’s Ben.”

  Silence. He glanced at the phone. “Shit. I hope she didn’t hang up on me.”

  “No. I’m still here.”

  Relief was a cold thing against his skin. “So I’m kind of hanging out near a crack house—”

  “You’re what?”

  If he’d been kidding, he might have smiled, but considering it was nearly four in the morning, he wasn’t exactly in the mood for jokes. “I’m at a crack house. One of my super troopers is in there. And I need some legal advice.”

  He heard the rustle of blankets as she sat up. His mouth went dry, wondering what she might have on.

  Yeah, he couldn’t exactly ask that question at the moment, now could he?

  “Explain the situation to me.”

  “Well, I’m not one hundred percent sure. All I know is that Foster has violated restriction and the apartment isn’t in his name so we can’t go in and get him.” He frowned. “I don’t think.”

  She sighed heavily on the line. “Are the police there?”

  “Yes.”

  “Let them arrest him.”

  “Again?”

  “Yes, again. Then whenever he posts bail, you add all of this to his packet.” She hesitated.

  “I don’t want to court-martial him,” Ben said quietly. “I need to get him into rehab. If he gets arrested, what does that do to my chances of making that happen?” He leaned down, pinching the bridge of his nose.

  “If he’s arrested, there’s no way the battalion commander will support rehab,” she said finally. “Ben?”

  “Yeah?”

  “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”