Looking for Adventure

by Valentina Heart

  “That’s why I’m here. I was taking a vacation of sorts, expecting to end up in a hospital after a month. But guess what, that never happened! Headaches stopped, I think the first week after I arrived there, or maybe it was the second week. I’m not sure. I never got any worse, and it was brought to my attention yesterday that it was the end of July already. That means I should have been dead almost a month ago, yet I am still here. Are you able to explain that little miscalculation to me?” I asked, bitterness embedded in my voice.

  “The headaches are gone?” she asked, surprise more than evident in her voice.

  “Yes.” I looked at her suspiciously.

  She frowned. “That can’t be right. Brain tumors aren’t really predictable, but usually, once one starts growing as rapidly as yours did, there is no way of stopping it. I was being generous when I told you two more months. Honestly, I didn’t expect you to last a month with those headaches.”

  “So what does this mean?”

  She sighed, then looked at me and clasped her hands. “We have to do more tests, see what’s going on. Maybe the tumor stopped growing and you adapted. There could be a lot of things going on.” She checked her watch. “Can you do the tests now? There will still be a small wait for the results, but I would like to do them as soon as possible.” She looked at me, her eyebrows high on her forehead.

  “Yes. I want to know what’s going on as well.” I was already on my feet, waiting for her to direct me.

  The tests took the whole morning. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do. I struggled with all my might not to think about everything I’d left behind that morning—the island paradise and the unfinished business with Nino.

  I’d wanted to leave a message or kiss him good-bye, but I didn’t know for sure if I would be returning or if he even wanted me there. As much as I’d needed his kiss, there was no guarantee that he would have wanted to give me one, and the rejection would have been too much for me to handle. So I’d left without waking him, still with the burn of the way he’d pushed me from him after the nightmare squeezing around my heart.

  The real weight of the situation pressed down on me the moment I entered my empty house. There was no brightness inside, no laughter echoing through the rooms. Everything was as sterile as the housekeeper had left it, as the decorator had fixed it. There was no me in those rooms, nothing I wanted to keep, and nothing that made me feel at home. I sat at my kitchen chair, holding my head in my palm, and started thinking.

  I was going to die, that was the only sure fact of my life, and there was nothing I could do about it but prepare. There was someone in my life—or there had been someone in my life, no matter how short that time was—who meant something. And I could leave him financial support if nothing else. And the island house. I needed to buy the house. I wanted him to have that much.

  “God, my head is messed up,” I mumbled to myself, thinking about the fact that I needed someone to talk to and Nino was not around to be my friend.

  Only one person came to mind as someone I could maybe share a part of my burden with.

  I called the office, and Mark answered in his usually chipper voice. “Hey, Mark. Could you put me through to Jerry?”

  “Right away, Mr. Morgan.”

  And it really was right away. Jerry’s concerned voice spoke on the other line. “Jon, are you all right?”

  “Yes and no,” I said, considering how much I wanted him to know and deciding it didn’t matter. He was as close to a best friend as I had ever had before Nino came into the picture, and I needed a friend, even if it ended with him judging me and condemning my choice.

  “Is there anything I can do? We’re friends, Jon. You know you can talk to me,” he said as if reading my mind.

  “That’s why I’m calling. Could you come over? I need someone to talk to.” I tried using my lawyer tone, but it was gone. Every emotion showed in my voice, and I was helpless in disguising it.

  “You’re at home? I thought you went on vacation.”

  “I came back this morning. I have some stuff I have to deal with, and this place leaves much to be desired as far as comfort goes. Will you come?”

  “Yes. I’ll be there in an hour. Do you want me to bring some food?” He was a bit lost in his words, trying to be a good guest but completely unused to me inviting him over on a matter that wasn’t related to business.

  “No. I’ll order something.”

  “Okay. See you in an hour.” He hung up, and I was left in the silence of my apartment once again.

  I ordered us some chicken wraps and took out a chilled bottle of wine. The food arrived before him, so I was left with enough time to put it on plates.

  “Come on in, Jerry,” I said, opening the door to let him in when I heard the doorbell.

  “You look good, Jon,” he said as he stopped at the door for a few seconds to glance over me.

  “Yeah, that’s kind of the problem. The kitchen.” I directed him in front of me.

  The first thing I did, before I even spoke another word, was to pour us a glass of wine. I needed the icebreaker, and he didn’t look that much more comfortable than me.

  “I should have been dead by now. The doctor gave me two months, and I’m on my third. Not to mention that I feel better than I felt while I was healthy,” I said, holding the glass between my fingers. I shot a pointed smile his way.

  “That’s why you came back? To see the doctor?” he asked before taking a sip.

  “Yes. I need to know how much more time I’ve got. I was ready. Well”—I shrugged—“as much as a person can be ready, really. I accepted the fact that I was going to die, and then I didn’t. It wouldn’t have made any difference before, one way or the other, but now it makes a whole lot of difference. I met someone.” I pushed most of it out of my mouth, feeling the weight of the previous night hard on my chest.

  “You met a woman? Is it serious?” He was looking at me expectantly, even a little excited.

  I was just about to tell him that it wasn’t a woman in question, that I’d fallen in love with the most beautiful man I’d ever known, but what came out of my mouth was, “Yes. It is very serious. I’ve never felt like this.”

  There was no need for him to know in the end, because I wasn’t planning on coming back to my old life.

  “So what’s the problem? I assume there is a problem, since you wanted to talk to me.”

  I let out a loud breath. “I’m dying, Jerry; that’s the problem. Going to the island, I assumed I would be in a hospital after a month’s time. But instead I only kept feeling better, so I let go. You wouldn’t believe how easy it is to let the time just go by when you don’t have any contact with the business world and you’re having a good time.”

  “But you must have told her that you’re dying, right?” he wondered.

  “Actually…no.” I grimaced at the look he shot me. “I kept that bit of information to myself. It only came up last night when I learned it was already the end of July. It kind of slipped out, because I was in some kind of shock, I think. We’d just been in the middle of a fire, so I was spiked on adrenaline. It kind of blew me away, and I spilled my guts.”

  “You haven’t told her that you were dying? Jon, that was a pretty shitty thing to do, even for a lawyer. Especially if you feel strongly about her.” He got that strict fatherly tone that he used on our idiotic clients who had ridiculous ideas.

  “I know, damn it!” I yelled, gripping my head between my palms. “I didn’t plan on falling in love, so there was no point in sharing that piece of information. And later I was too afraid of being left alone. Everybody leaves when they find out about your weakness, and this is much more than a weakness.”

  “That may be true,” Jerry said, as gently but as firmly as he could. “But you’ve acted like an ass. If she’s in love with you too, you’ve hurt her. That isn’t something you can just wipe away. This is serious. You’ve allowed her to fall in love with a man who, shortly, won’t even be here anymore. Tha
t borders on cruel.”

  “Yes, so I’ve been told,” I mumbled, remembering our last conversation vividly.

  “She did that lecture already, huh?” Jerry gave me one of his sheepish smiles.

  “You better believe it. And I don’t know how to fix it. I mean, I’m going there as soon as I get my results back. I can’t go back before I find out how much time I have left. But I’m afraid I will only find an empty house when I do.”

  “There is no way of knowing that. Only if you call her and ask…but I’m assuming you left without resolving anything?”

  I shrugged. “There was nothing to resolve. I’ve fucked up badly, and it can’t be forgiven. I just left without even saying good-bye. I was too afraid of a rejection,” I confessed, remembering the way Nino had pushed me away as I hugged him. The way I could hear my heart ripping more with every step he had taken away from me.

  “Well, if she’s there when you go back, the only thing you could do is beg. Just drop on your knees and beg. It’s not something I would do, but then, I’ve never felt the way you seem to feel.” He gave me a good appraising look up and down. “You’ve changed from the man you used to be. If you care, you will get down on your knees and beg like they do in those sappy movies. It should have some effect,” he half joked as he watched me, but it was the only idea that had come to my mind too.

  “Yeah, I guess I’ll do that,” I mumbled.

  “If she feels the way you do, she will be there.” He finished off his last wrap. “Don’t worry about it right now. Worry when you get there.”

  “I want to change my will.”

  “Leave her some money?”

  “And my apartment, car… I won’t touch the firm,” I said to reassure him.

  “That’s good. You call me if you need anything. I will help you arrange it. And let me know about the results before you leave again,” he said as he got up.

  I just lifted my eyes from the surface of the table. “You’re leaving already?”

  “Yes. I have to get back to the office. I canceled my appointments when you called, but I still have paperwork to finish. You left me shorthanded. Everything is crawling right now, but the paperwork never goes away.”

  I swiped a hand down my face, feeling awful at the burden I’d left him with. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t stay and work. If the doctor gives me more time or something, you can forward some of the documentation to my e-mail. I will work on the island. Help you get rid of some of the load. As things stand, I don’t see myself having much else to do.”

  “I’ll do that, believe me. I just can’t keep up on my own. I’ll have to hire someone soon. Let me know how it goes with the doctor,” he said as he squeezed my shoulder and then left.

  Before I was able to get up from my chair, he was gone, and I was left in the dark silence, a place that felt like everything but a home. I had a night to kill, and no company of any kind. I had never understood that people could miss company, as I never had any, but now the emptiness of the rooms almost haunted me.

  I got myself to bed, where I managed to lose myself in a few hours of sleep, but even my dreams were restless. I kept trying to find Nino, but only found darkness. That, and sad silence surrounded me, lacking Nino’s laughter and voice. I’d never much liked my apartment, and right now I pretty much hated it.

  I stayed in bed when I woke up later that evening, staring through the large window into the night. I tried to remember the island nights and felt like I was losing them already, like my memories were fading, the same as I felt Nino’s feelings for me fading away. There was no reason for him to remember a man who had lied to him, hurt him, and then left him. I sure as hell wouldn’t have forgiven myself, so there was no point in expecting any different from him.

  Still, my decision was made. I was going back as soon as I was able. I would buy the island house for him, but I would still go back. Maybe he would be waiting, maybe he would look at me with that same sadness and hurt I saw in his eyes the night before I left, but nothing mattered as long as I got to see him. As long as I could see his face once more, smell his skin one more time.

  I knew he wouldn’t smile for me like he always had. No, that would be too much to expect. But just to see that soft hair fall into his eyes would make me happy. It would make my last days bearable.

  Maybe he would throw me out once he found out the house was his. It wouldn’t be any less than I deserved. Maybe he wouldn’t be there, in which case I would stay there, basking in the memories we’d created. There was no other place on earth that I could call home.

  * * *

  Another morning without a headache arrived, a new day that brought all the troubles from the previous day that should have caused a headache today. As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew something was wrong. The warm body that had always been snuggling next to me was nowhere to be found, and the sheets on the other side of the bed were icily cold.

  I’d barely slept, feeling the emptiness that surrounded me deep in my heart as well. I wanted him with me all the time. I wanted Nino’s smiles and his hugs, kisses, and looks; I wanted every bit of him with me.

  That was the moment my decision was made. I wanted a reminder, even if it stayed on my skin for only a few more weeks. I wanted a permanent memory of the best days of my life, as well as the memory of the man who’d changed me from the core.

  I showered and shaved my pubes the way Nino always kept his, with just that small triangle pointing downward. I got dressed and headed out, only stopping long enough to find a good tattoo parlor online. I grabbed my wallet and my keys before leaving the apartment.

  There wasn’t much to think about when it came to the design I wanted. I just knew what I wanted, and as I opened the door to the tattoo place, I was more than glad for it. The place was filled with pictures of different tattoos, some amazing and others rather shocking. I’d never had any contact with such things, and I was pretty sure that I didn’t even see the half of it. The thought of coming here and being forced to choose between one of those amazing pictures on the walls was rather impossible. In that moment, I fully understood people who got that one tattoo and immediately wanted another one or three.

  I approached the woman at the counter hesitantly. I wanted to do it, but there was that little part of me that wondered what the hell I was thinking. She had the length of both of her arms covered in different designs. Her lip was pierced, as well as her eyebrow, and when she smiled, I was flashed by a round piece of metal just above her two front teeth.

  It was discouraging for my virgin skin, but the smile was also disarming. She was a very beautiful woman, and her face showed nothing but kindness. Somehow I knew she’d pegged me for a first timer, and as much as I hated feeling like a beginner in anything, this one time it made me glad.

  “How can I help you?” she asked just before a blue lock of hair fell over her eyes, forcing her to put it behind her ear.

  “I want a tattoo,” I said stupidly, like it wasn’t already obvious, but as I tried to come up with another answer, nothing came to mind.

  “How big and where?” she shot right back.

  “About three inches, and I want it right here.” I looked down at my pants and touched that patch of skin between my hip and my cock.

  “In color?”

  “Yes, please,” I said.

  “Do you have a picture of the design?”

  “No. But I read that it can be drawn here.” I looked at her questioningly.

  “Yes, of course. But the artist is busy at the moment, and we have some clients coming later on. I would suggest you wait until he’s finished so that you can explain what you want, and he can draw it up. Then I will make you an appointment for tomorrow probably.”

  “It can’t be done today?” I really didn’t want to come back tomorrow. I could have waited for a few hours, maybe taken some time to go and buy the island house, as long as I could get the tattoo sometime today. But coming back tomorrow didn’t appeal to me. Why wait for tomorro
w if you could do it today?

  She observed me with a narrow look as if reading my personality right then and there. She even nodded when she was done. “Give me just a second to ask him when he’ll be done. Then you can discuss it personally.”

  It looked like I had all her requirements, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Thank you. I’ll just wait over there,” I said, pointing at the wall filled with pictures.

  I stood looking at a tattoo of stars. A woman had simple black-lined stars in different sizes tattooed on her leg. They climbed from her ankle in a curvy line to just above her knee. It was simple but also stunning, and to me it screamed Nino. It was something that would have suited him perfectly. My thinking was interrupted when the lady came back.

  “He will finish in half an hour. You can wait or come back.”

  “I’ll just go and have something to eat. Thanks a lot.” I gave her another one of my smiles, which she returned in the full shine of the metal decorating her.

  I walked out and stopped at the first food establishment I came upon, where I bought a simple sandwich. I was walking around the block as I ate, willing the time to pass by quickly. It wasn’t that my courage was leaving me; it was just that my nervousness level climbed with every passing minute.

  When I finally reentered the shop for the second time, there was a man behind the counter. His tattoos covered only his shoulders, leaving his forearms surprisingly empty, but I caught a winged dragon climbing on the back of his neck all the way to the middle of his bald head. Definitely not something I’d expected. His ears were pierced all the way to the top of his earlobes, with spiked rings looking menacing as hell. The lower part was stretched around a black ring, leaving a big hole in the middle of his earlobe. It was the first time I’d seen something like it, and I couldn’t help but stare. I also realized how protected my life must have been when I’d missed a whole lot of people walking around the city with so many tattoos and such distinct piercings.

  “Anything I can help you with?” he asked just as the lady from before came out from behind the curtain.