Determinism (Cara & Abel's Story)

by Collins, LK

  My dad walks past me and into the kitchen. “Would you like a cup of coffee?” he asks.

  “Nah. I have to get to work soon.”

  “What are you going to do about this? You can’t just avoid it, you know? You’ve done that for ten years.”

  “I don’t know. I just need a little time to think.”

  “What does Cara have to say about this?”

  I shrug my shoulders, ashamed that I left her. A man would’ve stayed around to stick this out. He would have comforted her and told her everything would be okay. But that’s not me. I’m a pussy and run from my problems. It’s what I do. It’s the only way I know how to handle things, which is sad because it’s not even handling them.

  “Abel?” my father asks sternly, pulling me out of the irrational thoughts that consume me.

  “I left when she told me.”

  “Son, you’re not going to like this but I have to say it. You are just as responsible as she is for this whole situation. You cannot turn your back on her or that unborn child. Do you hear me, Abel Wesley?”

  I nod my head and hug my father tightly as he embraces me. I look at the clock on the wall. It’s 6:30. I have to get going if I don’t want to be late for work. “Just promise me you’ll do what’s right?”

  “I will,” I say and turn away from the comfort of my dad’s hold. I know I have to face this and can’t avoid it forever. But I also have to find an answer within myself before I do so.

  Pulling into the station, there are a few cars already here, including Troy’s jeep and Matt’s car. I park and hop out grabbing my bag. There is a breeze in the air and the flag is flying at half-staff. As much as I love my job, I hope I never die in a fire. I couldn’t imagine being burned alive. I shake off the fear and walk in. The guys are quietly standing around chatting, I assume waiting for my order.

  I introduce myself and learn who the other guys are and where they are helping out from. I notice that the truck and ambulance are filthy. Immediately I assign a group to pull them out and wash them. Troy follows me upstairs with another guy and I give them both assignments as well.

  I set my bag down and get to work calling Tom, letting him know that we’re here. I’m not sure what his expectations are for me covering, but I’m ready to find out. I want to keep myself distracted, and this is the time to do just that. While I talk to Tom, I shoot Vincent a quick e-mail apologizing for hanging up on him this morning.

  Tom informs me that I’ll be here for at least two weeks. He would like me to work them straight through, and inside I’m relieved to have the excuse that will help me avoid what’s on my mind. I can tell right away that the guys are hard workers and the other stations sent me their best. Thankful that I didn’t get the lazy bad seeds, I join them out front with cleaning the trucks.

  Troy yells out to me that I have a phone call. “Who is it?” I ask.

  “Your brother.”

  I’m relieved to hear it’s not Cara and I go in to take the call. “What’s up, dude?” I say, drying my hands.

  “Hey, I just wanted to check on you. Are you doing okay?”

  “I don’t know. I’m just trying to stay busy. Have you talked to Lex? Is Cara okay?”

  “Yeah, they’re both good. She called the doctor and got some anti-nausea medicine for Cara. She’s stopped throwing up, but she won’t eat.”

  “Damn it. I shouldn’t have asked. I can’t do this right now, Vince. I appreciate you calling and all, but I need to focus on work. I’m really sorry. You have the number here. Call me if you need anything. Tom said I’ll be here for at least two weeks.”

  “I understand. Hang in there, buddy.”

  “Thanks,” I say hanging up.

  I wake again from yet another nightmare; it’s the same one I’ve been having. I walk to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water. I’ve been at the station for almost a week and I need to get away. I slide on my jeans and a t-shirt, texting Troy as I sneak out. I don’t know where I’m headed, but I need to clear my mind, so I just drive, trying to focus on the road ahead of me. It’s so early that there isn’t any traffic.

  I keep driving, unsure of my destination, that is, until I come up on a familiar area and automatically slow my truck. I begin to count, one … two … three … four … five … and I turn. There she is, and I slam on my brakes. Why I am here, God only knows. Looking over at the rows and rows of tombstones, my mother’s sticks out to me like a lighthouse in the ocean.

  I hesitantly open the door and step down to the ground. As my boots hit the pavement, I realize it’s a cool crisp morning. I hadn’t noticed earlier, so I grab a hoodie out of the back and walk over to the beautiful, black marble, heart-shaped stone. It is etched just as I remember it from the last time I was here.

  Judith Ann Mileski, beautiful wife and mother. You will forever be missed.

  I kiss the top of the cold stone, feeling a sting on my lips when they touch the cool granite, and I plop to the ground, completely defeated, lost, unsure, angry, and scared. Looking up to the cloudy sky, I close my eyes and start to talk to my mom.

  Mom, I wish you were here to help me with this. I would give anything to talk to you again. I don’t even know what to say. I take a breath and pull the hood up on my sweatshirt. I tuck my hands into the pockets and speak again. I have a girlfriend. Or at least I did until last week. I fucked up again, and she’s pregnant. It’s not something that either of us planned and I don’t know what to do. I open my eyes and focus on the cracks in the cement. Anyways, I know you can’t speak to me, but if you could guide me and show me, I promise I’ll listen. I know I don’t know the first thing about kids, but please don’t take them from me. Not like what happened with Abigail. I don’t think I can survive that again. Besides, things with Cara are different. I love her, I really do.

  I take my sleeve and wipe my eyes. Please just give me a sign. I’ll do anything. Standing up, I kiss her tombstone again and say goodbye. Walking away from where my mom rests peacefully, I feel a calmness and hold onto that feeling hoping it will stick with me.

  Troy offers me some lunch but I decline. I’m not hungry. How can I eat? My stomach is in knots and has been since I left Cara. Eating has been almost unbearable. “Dude. Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet this week.”

  I look up at him, realizing that I didn’t even make eye contact when he offered me food. “Yeah, man, I’m good.”

  “You sure?”

  “Uh huh. Hey, would you mind if I ran home real quick?”

  “Sure, thing. Take your time.”

  “Thanks, bro.”

  I get up and leave without saying another word to the guys. Troy has become my right hand man and I trust him entirely. I know he can cover for me and I don’t need to explain anything. I need to feed Puss anyways and I have to take a few moments to myself. The drive to my house is reasonably quick. Not as quick as from my station but at least it’s still in town.

  I park on the street rather than dealing with the garage and walk inside the lobby, catching the elevator up with a young couple. Their floor is first, and I find I’m getting anxious waiting to exit. Finally, as the elevator opens, I burst out and head down the hall. I open the door and step into my loft pressing my back against it as it closes. Suddenly my throat tightens and my breathing speeds up. She’s been here. I can smell her. It’s so strong that there’s no denying it.

  My eyes dart from one side of the loft to the other looking for any sign of her. Then I notice that Puss is going to town on a plate full of wet food. She must have stopped by and fed her. I check both the dry food and water. They’re full.

  I take another deep breath letting in her sweet scent, so sultry, a mix of vanilla and orchids.

  I pull my phone out of my pocket and there’s a missed phone call from her, but no voice mail. I take a moment contemplating calling her. I need to talk to Tom about a day off so she and I can actually talk about everything, then I’ll call her. I pet Puss and then grab some more clothes befor
e I leave my loft, heading out into the late afternoon. The sun is going down and I can’t even remember where the day has gone.

  Pulling away, my cell phone rings. I look at the screen and it’s Troy. “Hey, what’s up, buddy?”

  All I can hear is sirens in the background and I know they’re on a call. Sonofabitch. “We just got dispatched to a motor vehicle accident off of eighty-five. Can you meet us there?”

  “Yeah, of course. What’s the cross street, and how many vehicles?”

  “Chenango Drive. I’m not sure. It was called in by an eyewitness as a multi-vehicle accident.”

  Horns blare, and for the first time, it hurts my ears. “I’ll meet you there.”

  I hang the phone up and hit the gas, driving as fast as I can. I know right where this accident is located and I’m trying to picture the layout of the streets. Eighty-five runs two lanes in each direction, and Chenango is just one lane in each direction. I wish I had a scanner or some form of communication to know what the hell is going on. As I approach the scene, I see the lights and know the guys made it here before me.

  Traffic is blocked and I pull off on the shoulder and drive towards the chaos. When I pull up, I see two cars — a black SUV with severe front end damage and a small, red Volkswagen Beetle that’s mutilated. I park next to the fire truck and run over to the black SUV. There’s a middle aged female passenger who’s being attended to by one of the rookies that’s helping out from another station.

  I cut in and assist him. “Ma’am, my name is Abel. I’m a firefighter. Can you tell me where you’re in pain?”

  She reaches for her neck and blood is running down her temple; she must have hit it on the window. I don’t have gloves yet, so I shouldn’t touch her, but my instincts take over and my hands move to the sides of her head to brace her from moving. “Go grab a neck brace,” I yell to the rookie.

  “Just stay still, ma’am. You’re going to be okay.” I glance over at Matt as he is hard at work with an EMT on the driver. They remove him onto a stretcher and then wheel him away. He didn’t look responsive at all. As they move, I watch Matt do chest compressions on him, straddling the patient on the gurney, which is never a good sign.

  My eyes glance to the back and I see an empty car seat. Thank God their child is not with them. My mind is inundated with images of this being us — Cara, myself, and our child. All it takes is a split second for a tragedy to turn your world upside down. I experienced it once, and I’ll be damned if I let anything happen to them now. The rookie comes back over with the brace and I get it on her neck. She is blinking heavily and I’m unsure if it’s shock or if there is an underlying trauma issue. Matt comes over to us and I hear Troy yelling. I can’t see him as I move towards his voice. But then I spot him, down an embankment with another car.

  All I hear are the slowest words ever. “Jaws of life.” Looking at the car, I feel the color drain from my face. I gasp for air and use every ounce of my strength to just stand, as I stare at the grey Audi.

  No, no, no, no, no. Please don’t let that be her.

  My body moves automatically and I run like I’ve never run before. Getting closer, I see Troy’s face as he struggles to get the door open. Before I reach the car, I slow. Tears are welled up in my eyes, as I find the will to speak the words. “Is it her?”

  He nods his head and I collapse. Screaming, “No! Damn it, no!”

  “Is she …?” I can’t get the words out as I begin to dry heave. I’m terrified of what I might see. Her fucking car is mangled; it has clearly flipped God only knows how many times. I couldn’t imagine the impact she went through to end up down here.

  “She’s barely conscious, Abel. I really need you right now,” he yells.

  I nod my head and know what I have to do as I jog over to her car. Sure enough it’s Cara and she is almost unrecognizable. I am utterly stunned by what I’m looking at. Blood and bruises cover just about every visible part of her. Her once platinum blonde hair, is now stained red with blood. She has her head slumped to the side and her eyes are closed. “Let me try,” I tell Troy.

  I pull on the door, but it’s not budging. Matt comes over with the Jaws of Life and I move out of the way. Instinctively I try to open the other car doors. Finally the passenger door opens and I climb in. The car is squished so I can barely get to her. But once I do, I gently touch her. “Baby, I’m here with you. Can you hear me?”

  She tries to lift her head a little, but that’s all she manages. There are no words or sounds that come out of her. “You’re going to be okay, kitten. Just hang in there for me, okay? “ I reach for her hand and place it in mine. On her wrist is the infinity bracelet. My heart wrenches at the sight of my eternal gift wrapped around her delicate wrist. What was once pure gold is now spattered with blood. I regret not giving it to her myself. However, seeing it on her wrist shows me she hasn’t given up on me, or us. She feels lifeless and that scares the shit out of me. I press her hand to my lips and hold it against my face. Having her in my hold completes me. I realize now how much of an asshole I’ve been. I never should’ve walked out on her. The guys are working as hard as they can to get her side of the car accessible. Removing her through the passenger side would be too risky.

  “Please, baby, hang in there. I love you.” Tears run down my face and I wipe them away on the shoulder of my shirt. The guys finally get her door open and I set her hand back in her lap. Sprinting around the car to help them get her out, I say to them, “Please be careful with her, she’s pregnant.”

  “Okay, Chief,” Matt says.

  We delicately remove her from the car, following all safety measures to a T. Once she is on the body-board, I notice she’s wearing my favorite sweats. Matt and I strap her securely down as Troy slides a neck brace around her, and then moves the last strap over her forehead. We all lift her on the count of three and head towards the waiting ambulance.

  “How far along is she?” Troy asks.

  “I’m not sure, we just found out last week.”

  Troy fills in the EMT while I get into the back of the ambulance. It takes everything I have not to start working on her. Instead, I keep out of the way and ensure I’m touching and talking to her at all times.

  Within seconds, we’re driving off. I don’t recognize the EMT, but as I watch him, I can tell he knows what he’s doing.

  “Where are we taking her?” I ask.

  “Good Samaritan.”

  In a way, I’m relieved that it’s not her hospital. Then again maybe that would be better. The staff all knows who she is, so they would make her their top priority. But now is not the time to start questioning her care.

  “What’s the extent of her injuries so far?”

  “I’m not sure, as there’s not much physical trauma besides that to her head. She’s going to need an MRI. Her BP is low, 50/80 so that’s concerning to me. The firefighter I spoke with said she’s pregnant.”

  “Yeah. We just found out.”

  “Alright, we’re here. Let’s let the experts take over.” The ambulance slows and the back doors open. I hop out and have to remind myself to keep out of the way. Waiting for us is a young nurse that reminds me of Cara and a doctor. Reading his nametag, it says Dr. Lee.

  We all head inside and I do my best to keep up with the conversation that is going on between the three of them. I can tell they are taking her away for an MRI. She is stable enough for it, and their main concern is her head trauma. That seems to be where the bulk of her injuries are.

  “Will you please check on the baby?” I say as a nurse stops me from following them as they wheel her away. Dr. Lee looks back to me and nods his head. I stand there in the stark, white hallway, frozen as I watch the reason for my existence be taken away from me. Emotions roll through me, and I have to get a breath of fresh air.

  Once I’m outside, the air is a welcome feeling. The worry and anxiety from knowing that Cara is pregnant to the very real fear for her life has my throat constricting and each breath is a struggle
. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a full-fledged panic attack and I can feel one building now. I fight with my breathing and pray that it will go away.

  I wish more than anything that I could go back to last week, waking up before Cara and watching her sleep ever so peacefully. If only I could switch places with her now, I would.

  Leaning against the rough exterior of the side of the building, I know I have to call Lex. But what do I say? I can’t imagine that phone call, so instead like a bitch, I call my brother. He answers on the second ring like he always does.

  “What’s up, douchebag?”

  I swallow hard and push away the emotions in my voice. “Not now, Vince. Listen, it’s Cara.” I can’t control the tone of my voice as I get choked up.

  “What happened?” he demands.

  “She … she was in a car accident,” I can barely get the words out as my body skids down the wall. I sit there hanging my head low, quietly releasing my tears.

  “Is she okay?”

  “She’s alive, but I don’t know about the baby or the extent of her injuries yet.”

  “Where are you? We’re leaving now.”

  “At Good Samaritan.”

  “Hang in there, okay? Please don’t think the worst. She’s alive and in good hands.”

  “I know,” is all I can say and I hang up. I drop my phone and rest my head on my forearm, saying a silent prayer. Then it hits me — is this the sign from my Mom that I was asking for? Would she do that? Would she put Cara at risk to show me what I am supposed to be doing? Regardless, I’ve made my mind up.

  I love her. Almost losing her is the biggest wake-up call ever. She completes me and is my reason for living. She’s not Abigail, this I know. That was over a decade ago, and I have to let it go. She is Cara, my Cara. My kitten and my love, the mother of my child, and I need to not take her for granted.

  Before I get up, I say another prayer. God, please don’t take her. Let her pull through this and be okay. Protect the little life that’s inside of her as well.