Determinism (Cara & Abel's Story)

by Collins, LK

  Walking back inside, my mind drifts. I know I don’t know the first thing about being a parent, but I promise I’ll give them both nothing less than 100%. I head back into the ER and sneak back with another visitor. I stop at the nurses’ station to see if there are any updates. There is nothing new, and she tells me to have a seat, so I sit down in the waiting area. Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on my knees and bow my head.

  I’m not sure how long I have been sitting like this. A gentle touch to my back alerts me and I look to my left. Alexa is sitting next to me, with tears in her eyes. I look up and see Vincent standing on the other side of me. Alexa leans over and hugs me, sobbing into my shoulder.

  “How is she?” Vincent asks as he sits.

  “I haven’t heard anything yet.”

  Holding Alexa makes me realize how real this situation is. Cara is anything but out of danger. Vincent pats my shoulder as we all three sit in silence. The only noise is that of Alexa sniffling, and all we can do is sit and wait.

  “Do you have Amber’s number?” I ask.

  As Alexa pulls away, she grabs a tissue off of the table and wipes her eyes before saying, “I called and left both her and Marla a message, I’m sure they’ll call me soon. Abel, what happened?”

  “I really don’t know,” I say running my hands over my face. “I ran home to get away for a bit and check on Puss, and the next thing I know I got a call from one of the guys that we had been dispatched. When I arrived I only saw two cars on the road, and neither were hers. Troy spotted her off the road and called me over … now here we are.”

  “What happened to her car? Did she just veer off of the road?”

  I shake my head. “No. It flipped quite a few times. She was stuck inside and barely conscious. It took the guys awhile to get her out. I’m not sure if she knew I was there or not and that scares me. It seems as though her only injuries are head trauma, which I guess is better for the baby. But we don’t know how bad it is for her yet.”

  Alexa starts to cry again and I wrap my arm around her pulling her against me.

  “Cara Savannah,” Dr. Lee comes into the waiting room and calls. We all stand and he comes over to us. “Please have a seat,” he says.

  I grip onto Alexa and neither of us moves. “How is she?” I ask.

  “She has a long road ahead of her. There is severe trauma and swelling to her brain. We have her sedated and need to wait for the swelling to decrease before we can try to wake her. Other than several bumps and bruises, she doesn’t have any other injuries. All in all, I would say she’s very lucky.”

  “And the baby?” Alexa asks.

  “The baby is fine. She appears to be about six weeks pregnant.”

  “Thank God. Can we see her?”

  “Yes. It’s important that you talk to her and let her know that you are there. Don’t talk as if she’s not in the room; include her in everything you all discuss. Studies have shown that patients who are in comas or sedated respond better to treatment when they are interacted with.”

  “Thank you,” I say.

  “This is what we do; it’s my pleasure. Follow me, guys.”

  We all walk behind him and my heart is in my throat. It’s the same feeling I got the first night that we slept together. When I drove to her house that night, unsure if she was okay, and walked up to her front door questioning everything … then as she opened the door in her sweats, with her messy hair, and was excited to see me, my heart calmed.

  Entering her room now, I don’t get that same calmness. But she is alive. One thing about Cara is she’s resilient. I see that strength in her now. Her beauty is still ever-present, as she shines through the bruises and bandages. I wish this were a dream that I could wake up from. But I know I can’t, this isn’t a fairy tale. This is our life and I am going to fight for her and our child.

  I move to the right side of the bed and enclose my hand over her fragile one. Moving my lips to hers, I breathe her in. I can barely make out her sweet scent over the sterile stench of the hospital and that makes my heart wrench.

  Thank you, Lord, for saving them.

  I move my other hand and rest it on her abdomen; the simple touch brings me to my knees. Inside of her is a life that we created, a tiny seed with the slightest flutter of a heartbeat. A tough one, might I add. Jesus, I never knew I could feel so deeply for something I ran away from just a week ago. I know it has not been long but to me it feels like months and months. How will we get through this? What if she doesn’t wake up? Mom, if you have any pull in this, I could really use a saving grace right about now. I rest my head against my forearm, looking for the strength to speak to her.

  Alexa’s voice interrupts my thoughts. I look, and both she and Vincent are on the other side of the bed. Alexa takes the back of her knuckles and runs them over Cara’s swollen cheek. Her poor face is bloody and bandaged. “Care, it’s Lex. I’m here with the guys and we’re not going to leave your side. The doctor said that the baby is okay. You guys are six weeks pregnant and I think Abel is happy.”

  She looks to me as I stand. I need to be a man and tell her how I feel.

  Please let her hear me.

  “We’ll give you some time,” Vincent says as he directs Alexa away.

  “I’ll be right back,” she adds.

  Once the door closes, I lean over inches from her face and wish that she would open her eyes. I move my lips to hers and then to my favorite spot behind her ear, the one that drives her a little crazy. After I leave a tender kiss I begin to speak into her ear.

  “Baby, I love you. I need you to know that. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was afraid of your reaction. Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter though. I can’t change how I feel for you. I love you with every fiber of my being and have for a long time. All I can do now is hope you’ll love me in return. I’m so sorry I left you. It was a shitty thing to do, and if you can forgive me, I promise to never do anything like that again. I was being dumb and immature. I panicked and should’ve talked through my feelings with you.”

  I pull up a chair and sit in it, feeling exhausted. I lower the railing on the bed and rest my head on her side as I continue to talk. “I promise you I’ll be open and honest from now on. I know I don’t know the first thing about being a father, but I’m going to give it my all. I won’t let you or this little one down.”

  Moving my hand to rest on her stomach, I feel tired and allow myself to close my eyes for a few moments. I relax there with my eyes shut, her breathing moving my hand up and down. I can feel her heartbeat pulsing through her and it’s strong. She’s going to be okay; she has to be. God forbid something happens to her — I wouldn’t survive it. I couldn’t imagine life without her.

  These last two weeks have been hell. Every day is the same; I wait for things to change but nothing does. The swelling has gone down in Cara’s brain and they weaned her off of the sedation a week ago. Since then she has been in a coma. Her brain is responsive and showing normal activity, but she’s just not waking up.

  I’ve spent hours upon hours researching similar cases. I finally had to stop; the information was driving me crazy. Dr. Lee said she just needs a little more time and that’s what I keep reminding myself of. Trauma patients often wake up when their bodies have healed enough or when their minds have been able to process the trauma it’s endured. Marla and Amber arrived a few days after the accident. I feel horrible that they had to find out about the baby through this hospitalization. They’ve both been huge supporters though, even Marla with her kooky ways. It’s taken a bit of adjusting on my part to have them around. Regardless, I’m happy to have their support.

  Staring at the eclectic selection of items in the gift shop, I try to enjoy a moment alone. It’s the first I’ve taken away from her in a few days. Everyone demanded I do so and I finally got tired of arguing. Looking around, I snag a few sports magazines then scan the shelves looking for anything interesting. I find a small scroll attached to a pebble. As I open the scroll it says
,

  In life, it is said that each person has one true mate. The same holds true for penguins. They spend years searching for their perfect match. Once they’ve found their mate, the male will present the female with a perfect pebble. He places it at her feet as a sign of his everlasting commitment. If she accepts, these two are united for all eternity.

  I know penguins are Cara’s favorite animal. She would love this, and I hope I get the chance to present it to her. I cash out and head into the cafeteria. Grabbing a tuna sandwich, some chips, and a soda, I take my lunch to her room because I can’t stand being away from her any longer.

  As I approach, there is chaos and I jog over to see what is going on. Dr. Lee and the neurologist, Dr. Cottingham, are checking on her. She looks the same — pale and small — in the large bed.

  “What happened?” I ask Amber.

  “My mom and I were talking about you and she squeezed my hand.”

  “Really?” I say way too loudly in my excitement. She nods her head. “Is she waking up?” I ask Dr. Cottingham.

  “It’s hard to tell. A lot of times similar patients will seem to be responding, but it’s just their reflexes. Abel, if her response was truly to her hearing Amber and her mom talk about you, then I think you’re going to be the one to pull her out of this. She’s stable and everything looks good, so I’ll leave you to it and be back in a few hours.”

  “How’s the baby?” I ask.

  “The baby’s fine. Stop worrying,” he says and pats my shoulder as he walks off. I go back over to Cara, and notice that her lips look dry. I grab her chapstick and put a thin layer on her plump, pink lips. Then of course I lean down and kiss them. Man, what I wouldn’t give to have her kiss me back. I sit in my usual chair with Marla and Amber across from me.

  I do what I’ve done so many times — I just talk to her. I talk about everything, from the news, to baby names, and even reminisce about the past and what the future might hold for us. As I speak, the hours pass like minutes and the sun is setting. Marla begins to yawn and Amber recommends they leave for the night. I hug them both and promise to call if there are any changes.

  Once they leave and we’re left alone, this is truly my favorite time. I dim the lights and pull the covers back at her feet. The nurses gave me permission to rub them. I turn off the blood pressure leg machine that inflates to help with circulation, remove my shoes, and get into bed with her.

  I sit cross-legged resting her feet in my lap and rub her feet with some cherry almond lotion. We both love the scent; it’s always been one of my favorites, more so now than ever. Watching intently while I massage, I’m looking for any signs of movement.

  “Baby, I almost forgot to mention that I bought you something today. But I’m not going to tell you what it is until you’re awake. For now, I’ll hold onto it for you.”

  It’s ironic that I’m rubbing her feet as I’m talking about the pebble. My eyelids start to get heavy and I know I need to rest as well. I put one last coat of lotion on her and then grab a clean pair of socks out of the closet. Once the socks are on, I place her legs back in the machine and turn it on. I cover her loosely like she likes and lay the bed all the way back.

  I grab my blanket and pillow from the closet and get as comfortable as I can in my chair. While I lay there, I watch her small, even breaths. I can hear her laugh, and feel her arms around my neck.

  Lord, please give me that again.

  “Goodnight, kitten. I love you.”

  I rest my hand in hers and close my eyes. Exhaustion sets in quickly and I drift off to a peaceful sleep.

  “Baby,” she whispers and moves her hand beneath mine. I curse inside for having another one of these dreams, but it’s the closest I’ve been to being with her, so I let myself indulge yet again.

  “Abel,” she says a little more loudly and then begins to cough. My head jerks up and I’m shocked. She’s awake and really coughing. I run to the sink and fill her up a cup of water. I don’t hand it to her though, as I’m unsure of her strength. I place my hand behind her head and give her a small sip. She swallows and looks up at me. “Thank you,” she whispers in a small, raspy voice.

  “Of course. I’m going to call a nurse.”

  She shakes her head, “No nurses, not yet. I need you.”

  I kiss her lips, “You have me.”

  “No, I don’t. You left me,” she says as tears fill her eyes.

  “Oh, kitten,” I say and climb into bed next to her, wrapping her delicate body against mine. I’m at a loss for words. I … I don’t even know where to begin.

  “What happened?” she asks.

  “You were in an accident, a few weeks ago. I got called on the scene, as well as Troy and Matt. Your car flipped quite a few times and they struggled to get you out. Since then you’ve been in a coma.”

  She places her hand over her mouth to stifle a cry, “Oh no, the baby.”

  Reassuringly, I rub her stomach. “The baby is fine. You’re about eight weeks along.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, baby, really. Cara, I want you to know how sorry I am for walking out on you. If I could go back and do things over, I never would’ve left you. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, but I need you to know why. Over a decade ago, I had a girlfriend and she got pregnant. It was a tubal pregnancy and both she and the baby passed. That’s why I’ve never wanted kids and I panicked when you told me about the baby. I was scared of losing you too. But I’ve realized that you’re not her, plus our little one is strong.”

  “Jesus, Abel. I’m so sorry. I wish you would have told me this before.”

  “It’s okay, baby. The important part is that you’re okay. Do you remember anything from the accident or when you were out?”

  She closes her eyes and is deep in thought. “I was driving home from your place. I just went to feed Puss and someone hit me. I think my car flipped, but that’s all. Everything from that point on is like a dream”

  “Do you remember me telling you that I love you?”

  She looks at me with wide eyes and blinks a few times, “Yeah, I do. You said it in my car, but I thought I was dreaming.”

  “That was not a dream. I love you, Cara, more than anything in this world.”

  Tears fall from her eyes as she speaks, “Oh Abel, I love you too.”

  I never thought it would be so easy for us to say the words to one another, but it is. Leaning down I press my lips to hers, allowing the tears to escape my eyes as well. After weeks of praying for this, it’s come true. Finally she is kissing me back. Our tears blend together and meld as if they are one. From this moment on, we are one …

  “Sir,” an unfamiliar voice calls out. My eyes fly open and standing next to me is a nurse. “You really shouldn’t be in bed with the patient.”

  “She’s awake,” I say.

  The expression on the nurse’s face changes and she moves to the other side of the bed. “Cara, can you hear me?” she asks.

  But Cara doesn’t respond. I lean down and kiss behind her ear, then say, “Kitten, you need to wake up.”

  She moans and blinks a few times. “See? She’s awake,” I say and slide out of bed.

  “Cara. I’m Alice. How are you feeling?”

  “I guess okay, considering,” she says in a hoarse voice.

  “Good. Let me page Dr. Lee. He needs to examine you.”

  Before the nurse leaves, she checks Cara’s vitals, writing everything down on her chart. I can’t keep my eyes off of her as she lies so quietly in bed. Her nipples are hard, making my mouth water. Fuck, I shouldn’t be looking at her like this. Not now, she’s too fragile, but I can’t stop staring at them straining against the thin fabric of the hospital gown. I force myself to move my eyes from her breasts to her eyes. A grin is spread wide across her face, making me realize, she caught me and I’m the happiest man alive for it. She gets me and that’s one of the things I love about her.

  Patience is not something that comes easily to me, but I waited
for Cara months ago and it was the best decision of my life. As much as my body is screaming for her now, needing to claim her and make love to her slowly, I’ll wait however long is needed until she is healthy and strong enough to partake in our sweetest indulgence. I mouth the words I love you to her, and she returns them.

  Dr. Lee conducts a thorough examination on Cara and all is well. The nurse removes all of her tubes and sends us on a walk. The short distance makes her tired and I know there is a long road ahead. Dr. Lee says she should be able to go home in a few days and I’ve never been happier.

  Amber and Marla stop by briefly and then leave to get Cara’s place ready for her homecoming. As much as I want to take her home to my loft, that will have to wait. For now she can stay in Alexa’s old room if she needs to avoid the stairs.

  Lex and Vince are with her now while I am at my place grabbing my stuff and visiting with little Puss. I haven’t seen this little girl in so long, and I’ve missed her. “You know we are going to have to move and get a bigger place,” I say. She meows and I laugh at myself for talking to a cat.

  Neither my place nor Cara’s is big enough for a baby. I wonder what her thoughts are going to be. We’ll have to discuss it at a later time. All I know is that I’ll be happy wherever the two of them are.

  Leaving my place, I drive back to the hospital and enter the familiar halls I’ve unfortunately grown to know. Walking back into the room, Cara is fast asleep and Alexa’s reading a magazine. I smile and before I sit I have to kiss Cara and as our lips touch, she smiles and looks at me. “Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “How are you feeling?” I ask.

  She nods her head, “Good, I think.”

  “You better be feeling good, you’ve slept the entire time I’ve been here,” Alexa says.

  We all laugh and Cara shrugs her shoulders. “Well, I do need to run, you two. I have to get back to the office and help Vince. He has a big case that he’s prepping for. It goes to trial tomorrow, so I’m sure he’s a wreck.”