When Hari Met His Saali

by Harsh Warrdhan

  He cursed himself, but he felt cheated as well.

  That night

  Hari went to Xavier’s cottage and the male nurse on duty greeted him.

  ‘I just need to spend a few minutes with him,’ Hari told the nurse.

  ‘I think it would be best if you came back in the morning, Saar,’ the nurse politely declined.

  ‘Please. I am going out of the country tomorrow.’ Hari had made a decision about going back to Los Angeles.

  The nurse nodded and stepped out of the cottage. The room was like a private suite in a hospital, full of equipment and monitors.

  Hari sat down and took Xavier’s hands. He was already in tears and was wondering how to start.

  ‘I know you can hear me, Sir, and I want to tell you that there is no reason for you to feel guilty about what has happened. Since it has happened to me, I am telling you that I am not angry or complaining. You only did what Tia asked you to do and if you had an attack at the wrong time, it was not you that was to blame it was God. It is his fault.’

  He wiped his nose, as he was now really crying. This was Hari’s cleansing and he needed someone to just hear him out.

  ‘And please don’t worry about a thing and get well soon so that together we can take these two sisters to the task. I am so tired of handling the two of them.’

  He put his head down on Xavier’s hand, really crying now.

  ‘One loved me but wanted to change me. When I changed and became what she wanted, the other had issues with it. What kind of a man should I be? Who decides? I seem to have no say in it. Either way, everyone thinks my feelings are not genuine. I know they are genuine, but maybe they’re not enough. I am a man who no one wants. This is all so complicated. Anyways, I wanted to say goodbye to you as I have decided to leave tomorrow. But, if you ever come to Los Angeles, please come to our home and visit us.’

  After baring his soul he kissed Xavier’s hands.

  ‘And thank you for everything.’

  And then he left.

  What he didn’t see was that Simi had also come to talk to Xavier as she did every night before going to sleep and had heard everything Hari said to him.

  The other thing that neither of them saw was Xavier’s hand which twitched while Hari was talking.

  If only Hari was not so melodramatic — laying both hands on top of Xavier’s, clasping them, and then laying his heavy head on top of it — maybe then he would have noticed. Maybe then things would have been different.

  11

  Tia Pisses on Everybody’s Parade

  The next day the news of Hari’s departure had spread across the ashram. After all, it was not that vast and everybody knew Hari and had become his friend. Since he had to catch his flight from Chennai he decided to saygoodbye to everyone after lunch. But Simi was not there. Hari knew where she might be.

  Sure enough, he found her lying on the hammock under the banyan tree. It was only when he got closer that he realized she had been crying, possibly all night.

  ‘You don’t look attractive at all with those puffy eyes!’ he said.

  ‘Shut up!’

  ‘I will, because I won’t be here.’

  ‘I know. Everybody knows.’

  ‘So, this is goodbye.’

  ‘I am sorry you have to go because of me,’ Simi said nervously.

  ‘I came here also because of you.’

  ‘We can be friends.’

  ‘Who are you kidding, Simi?’

  ‘You know, Mr. Ayyangar told me that if you go tomorrow your ticket will be cheaper.’

  ‘No, it won’t.’

  ‘Don’t you want to save some money?’

  ‘Let’s be serious, Simi. I want to go home and figure things out.’

  For a moment they didn’t speak, both searching for words, delaying the eventual goodbye.

  The high noon sun was harsh but the banyan tree was throwing intermittent shadows on them.

  ‘Then we can go together.’

  When Hari heard this a ray of hope flashed in front of him. But it was not Simi who had said it …

  … it was Tia.

  Hari and Simi were stunned to see her. A very Tia-like rage — a category of anger in itself — came over Hari.

  ‘Oh great! Here you are! What now? You just can’t leave a man alone, can you?’ Hari started towards her.

  ‘Hi, Hari. Hi, Simi,’ Tia said casually, dismissing Hari’s words.

  Simi, never expecting Tia to be there, panicked and in her hurry to get out of the hammock, fell down from it.

  ‘Ah … hi, Didi’, Simi said from the ground.

  ‘You stay away from me and leave me alone.’ Hari was livid, and this was the first time he had been really angry with anyone since his transformation.

  ‘Yes, Sir, Mr. Romantic!’ Tia nodded, saluting him like he was a dictator.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Oh, Shah Rukh, thy name is romance,’ Tia bowed to him playfully.

  ‘Cut the crap.’ Hari was fuming now.

  ‘Tch, I meant to say, oh Hari, thy name is romance.’ Tia had practiced saying this after she had decided that she would try to be more open and witty when she entered the ashram.

  ‘Whatever. I’m going home,’ Hari said brushing aside her compliment.

  ‘No, you are not. Not yet. We three need to have a talk!’ Tia asserted.

  ‘You know what; I don’t want to talk to you, big sister Tia, nor you, little sister Simi. I don’t want to talk to you two, I don’t want to see you two, I don’t want anything to do with the two of you,’ Hari said, pointing his fingers at the two sisters. He was very angry. Then he just walked away.

  ‘What did you do to him?’ Tia asked Simi.

  Simi was already nervous with Tia showing up there unannounced and she got scared.

  ‘I didn’t do anything with him … to him. In fact it was me who told him to go away to you … to be with you.’ Simi somehow managed to finish her sentence.

  Tia’s relaxed her stance and hugged Simi.

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘I am OK, Didi’, Simi said, still wondering just how pissed Tia was. She couldn’t tell.

  ‘I have brought your suitcases here,’ Tia announced as she held Simi’s hand.

  And then she turned around and started walking.

  ‘Come.’

  Shit, shit, how happy I was by myself. Now there will be more drama?

  ‘You brought all my luggage? Here? Ah, Didi, I have not taken sanyaas. I don’t plan to stay at the ashram forever!’ Simi fumbled with her words as she tried to catch up with Tia.

  ‘You never know!’ Tia said as if she had made a decision.

  Simi was terrorized by Tia’s arrival. She mumbled something in response but even she was not sure what she was saying.

  Meanwhile

  Hari was simmering in his cottage. He had expected either Tia or Simi to come and cajole him into … something, but neither had come. His plan was to leave the ashram by eight that evening to reach Chennai airport in time for his flight to L.A. at two-thirty a.m. But right now it was teatime and he was feeling hungry. He was not sure whether he should just saunter outside and eat some biscuits, especially after the tough-man walkout on Tia and Simi.

  Thankfully there was a knock on the door. He excitedly opened the door expecting Simi to come in and beg him not to go, but of course, it was Tia. She barged in.

  ‘You think we can have a honeymoon in a cottage like this?’ Tia asked casually, looking around the cottage.

  ‘Tia, I am seriously sick and tired of your antics now. I just want to go home.’ Hari flopped down on his bed.

  ‘Tch … just a little setback and you are ready to quit? The Hari I knew was not a quitter!’ She said it as she too flopped down on the bed next to him.

  ‘No, he was not, Tia, but then you had him changed … custom made for you and now he is lost. Now he doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. You must be happy.’

  Ouch, that hurt!

>   ‘One thing I want from you, Hari, if it’s the last thing you do for me, is just have a talk with Simi and me. Just once and we will close this!’

  They were not looking at each other as they talked.

  ‘You’ve managed to damage all three of us, Tia, now there’s nothing to say.’

  Hari had this loserness in his voice.

  ‘Oh, don’t be a sissy, Hariprasad. Get your ass up and follow me.’

  She pulled his hand, got him onto his feet and then led him out.

  In the hall

  Tia had already asked Simi to go to the hall, where she was doing her own

  Devdasi thing, sitting all by herself on a chair, gazing into nothingness.

  ‘Oye, Simi!’ Tia called out.

  Simi stood to attention as if a khadus teacher had entered a class in a bad mood. A laptop had already been set up in the middle of the room, facing the chalkboard. There was just one more chair there, next to Simi’s.

  ‘Sit down,’ Tia ordered Simi and Hari.

  They knew better than to argue at this stage, so they sat down.

  ‘OK now, you two listen, I am going to ask you once, both of you, and you’ll answer me honestly!’ Tia said as she took command of the pitch she had in her head.

  Simi nodded immediately, but Hari was being a slacker.

  ‘Capice, Hari?’ Tia asked with a firmer voice.

  ‘Yeah, whatever,’ Hari replied, trying to look more pissed than defeated.

  ‘Good enough for me. Vishu? Hit the lights!’ Tia commanded.

  Simi and Hari turned to see little Vishu standing by the light switch. There was no way he was going to be able to reach the buttons, as they were too high for him. But Vishu didn’t need to, he clapped twice and the lights went off.

  ‘Motherf … how does he do it?’ Hari scratched his head as the room plunged into darkness.

  A moment later the chalkboard was illuminated with what looked like a slide. Tia was projecting it via her laptop. The first slide showed three stick figures with names on their heads: Tia, Hari and Simi.

  ‘Now what we have here is a triangle … excuse me, an emotional triangle for the three of us,’ she started earnestly, switching on a laser pointer and pointing to the slide.

  ‘Seriously? You made a presentation?’ Hari asked astonished.

  ‘Yes. This is the way I solve problems and we are here today to untangle this triangle,’ she responded to Hari.

  ‘But please don’t interrupt me. I’ll take questions after this short brief,’ she instructed them, forcing a smile.

  ‘There is no need, Didi, I withdraw from the race,’ Simi said nervously.

  ‘You can’t just withdraw! This is not an election-voting thing! Anyways, so, it started with Tia and Hari falling in love with each other, six years ago. They were in love, madly, badly and passionately in love. Hook, line and sinker. They fit like a glove, were attracted like a moth to a flame. They were the yin-yang, the Romeo and Juliet … the …’ Tia started getting carried away.

  ‘Yes, we all know that … move on!’ Hari shouted, as he must have in his school days, from the backbench.

  ‘So we have indisputably established that Hari and Tia were in love. They then had gotten married, and although secretly, it was for a valid reason. If they didn’t, Tia would have to go away from Hari because she didn’t have the immigration status to stay legally in the country where Hari was, which was the United States of America …’ Tia had just flipped to the next slide when she saw Hari had raised his hand.

  ‘Yes, Hari? It’s not Q&A time, but I’ll allow one,’ Tia said, folding her arms.

  But before Hari could ask his question, Simi started speaking.

  ‘I know what you are trying to do here, but this is not some work issue we are talking about. This is not about some contract that has to be won. And it is definitely not humorous. This is a serious situation. You coming here and mocking the whole thing doesn’t make it right.’

  ‘But you’re not in love with him, so it’s not really a valid match,’ Tia answered with all the sincerity of a senior explaining an obvious point to a junior without breaking their heart.

  ‘You don’t know that!’ Simi said. Ideally, all this argument should have come from Hari but he was leaning back as he looked at Simi admiringly.

  It was going to take the two of them to stand up to Tia.

  ‘All right. Vishu, lights!’ Tia dragged a chair and sat down opposite Simi and Hari.

  Vishu clapped his hands and the room was illuminated again.

  ‘Simi, you think you are in love with him, but deep down in your heart, you know you are not. You just want what I want.’

  ‘What a bad thing to say, Didi. Being so dismissive about my feelings and putting yours as if they were Godsent.’

  ‘But they were and I am sorry this happened to you, but really, he doesn’t know he loves you. He was made to think that he loves you by Xavier.’

  ‘Waah, tum karo to pyar, hum kare toh it is only because of chamatkar?’ Hari said, mixing a famous Hindi film dialogue accusing Tia of calling what she feels love, but if someone else feels the same, calling it a magic trick. ‘Even I don’t know where that came from or what it means,’ Hari admitted shuddering as a stunned Simi and Tia stared at him.

  ‘Point is, Tia. I may not be certain whether I want to spend my life with Hari or not, but I am certain about my feelings,’ Simi said cautiously.

  Hari looked at Simi lovingly.

  ‘Which are?’ Tia asked, as if she was amused.

  ‘You did not witness it, but I have managed to grow into a woman, Tia. You may also believe that one can’t grow into a complete woman in India, but I did. I don’t care for your life in America and your American ways. I have my ways.’

  Simi paused to think and Tia jumped in.

  ‘Watching TV shows like The Practice doesn’t mean that you have become American, Simi. Or that you have a worldview! That show is ten years old, no one remembers Bobby Donnell any more.’ Tia crackled, wanting to establish a clear edge over Simi.

  ‘It doesn’t matter, it matters that they are showing it now in India, and I like it. And I like Bobby Donnell. And just because you saw it first doesn’t make it so that you understand it more than I do. I have a … magical connection with it!’ Simi explained.

  Hari saw a definite body language shift in Simi.

  ‘If you watch the show, you know that Bobby Donnell was not a particularly romantic guy! In fact, by season seven he breaks up with Lindsey Dole and they even get divorced!’ Tia said, eagerly trying to put down Simi.

  ‘Oh thanks a lot! Now you’ve ruined the show for me! They’re still showing season six here!’ Simi threw her hands up in the air.

  ‘Anything else you want to ruin for me? Like this Hari thing? You have come all this way to ruin it for me right?’ Simi asked with her hands on her hips.

  Tia and Simi fought back and forth, frothing up and then simmering down, but basically going nowhere.

  ‘OK, OK, I think Hari should decide,’ Simi blurted out.

  ‘Hari? What does he know about life? He knows shitloads of trivia, but not life,’ Tia shot back.

  ‘First of all, I stopped pursuing trivia right after the engagement night,’ Hari admitted. ‘I realized that life is not about knowing more about random things in the world, but it is about knowing your own feelings and trying to understand them. That night, for the first time in my life, I came to know my feelings,’ Hari said with sincerity.

  Both sisters looked at Hari.

  ‘It saddens me to see both of you fighting like cats. A. I am not worth it; B. I do not like to see any of us like this — being uncivilized. We are better than this, and C. I love you both, but differently.’

  ‘That’s not going to cut it, Hari. It’s too late for diplomacy,’ Tia said firmly.

  ‘Well fine then, you know my feelings,’ Hari said equally firmly.

  ‘But they are not truly yours,’ Tia shot back.

&n
bsp; ‘How do you know?’ Hari asked her again.

  Now Simi was watching them go back and forth. She had had enough and she got up from her chair.

  ‘You know, this will never end. I think the best option is for the three of us to go our separate ways.’

  ‘But I should be the one to go away, right?’ said Tia. ‘I mean if the two of you say you love each other, then who am I to say or do anything?’ Tia also got up, now with tears in her eyes.

  Tia took out some documents and handed them to Hari.

  ‘I signed the papers. We are divorced. For now,’ she said sadly.

  ‘No, Didi. He is yours and will always be …’ but before Simi could finish her sentence, Vishu came running in …

  ‘Xavier Uncle is alive! I mean he is awake!’

  Xavier’s cottage

  Xavier had indeed regained consciousness. He was able to speak and the first person he had asked to see was Hari. The room was full of people but he had asked everyone other than Hari, Simi and Tia to clear out.

  He asked for Hari’s hand and when he held it in his own, he became emotional.

  ‘I felt your hand and more importantly your words,’ he said, coughing as he spoke.

  Simi came forward.

  ‘Maybe you should rest a bit. We will be here.’

  ‘No, I want the three of you to know that I have not forgotten what a grave mistake I made. I am sorry for that. But before I fix it, I hope that some life has happened to all three of you while I was lying here as a vegetable, so I am going to tell you something.’

  He pulled himself up so that he was seated on the bed.

  ‘I can have this young man here, or anyone for that matter, believe that they love something or someone, and they will. But that wouldn’t be right. It would be great magic, but it won’t be right. Unlike what we read in books, life is not magic. It should be real. I could have used magic on my wife and we would have never had a fight in our life! But I didn’t because I wanted to experience the marriage and the relationship in its entirety as the other person was and not the way I wanted her to be. We fought a lot, me and my wife — almost like cats and dogs — but by doing so our love for each other grew deeper without us knowing. Because you fight at your loudest with the people you love the moistest… .’ He laughed.