Knots

by Chanse Lowell

  “You should be proud of yourself, Jeanie, not ashamed of how you’ve managed yourself in all this. It’s normal to struggle and want to feel in control. Pono had put you in a position where you were forced to make most of the important decisions with no regard to if you wanted to do that or if it hurt you.”

  She exhaled in a slight huff. He stroked her cheeks. That small, tender action made her breath hitch.

  He kept explaining, and she settled into place.

  “This feels foreign to you in some ways, yet so right in others, so it’s confusing you.” He stroked her jaw once more with his thumbs. “This is where the rules come in and strip those warring feelings away. You weren’t afforded the opportunity before now to explore those parts of your basic nature—where you didn’t have to be in charge. I’m telling you now—your entire body lights up when I take over. It’s like a switch goes on inside you, and it’s the most breathtaking thing I’ve ever seen.” He stood staring with that confident posture of his, voice smooth and warm like butterscotch, melting over a sundae on a rough weeknight.

  Why was it like this?

  It made no sense to feel this attached so quickly.

  Her head spun from nothing more than the scent of him.

  “I need some space to think. I can’t hear my own mind when you’re near me—you’re that overwhelming, and before I do something stupid—”

  “That’s why you’re going to Tia’s for a portion of the day. You can clear your head—get a little distance so you can regain your perspective.” He inhaled and then held his breath for a long pause, then exhaled in a husky, guttural burst. “It takes a lot of communication to be in a committed Dom/sub relationship, but I promise it’ll be worth it. You’ll feel more alive than you ever have. And I want you to know, I’m more than willing to do anything you need to feel comfortable and safe.”

  A warm smile from him, and her heart melted slowly like ice left on a countertop.

  “Thank you,” she said through a satisfied sigh.

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart. Take your time with her. I want you happy.”

  He ran his hands down her neck and then left her alone in the room.

  She took a few moments to soak in all his kind words.

  When she left her room, she found Mark in the kitchen, attending to breakfast.

  She sat at the breakfast bar, kept her hands in front of her, off his bacon and smiled at him without another word.

  This was comfortable—this was what she craved.

  Bacon slaps or not.

  * * *

  “Well, you look better than you sounded on the phone,” Tia said, welcoming her into her home.

  Mark squeezed Jeanie into his side, said goodbye, released her, then got back in his car and drove off.

  “I feel better. We had breakfast, and he explained a few more things to me. I’m still a little restless, but not as freaked out. He has this calming presence that’s hard to explain.” Jeanie smiled. “It feels wrong to be this happy when my husband just died.” Tears tickled at her lashes.

  “All right—come inside before you have a breakdown in my doorway. My neighbors only like to see the kinky men I bring home, not sad, sexually repressed women that are having a reawakening.” Tia barked a hiccup of a laugh and led her in the rest of the way.

  Tia sat her down and brought her some tea. She sat across from her with her own mug. Tia’s legs tucked up under her as she studied Jeanie.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing,” Jeanie said after several minutes of sipping at her drink.

  “You always acted like you knew exactly what you were doing, but can I share something with you?” Tia set her own cup aside, eyeing her like she knew something important that Jeanie was oblivious to.

  Jeanie nodded. “Please.”

  “You didn’t know back then either. Wanna know why that was the case?”

  Oddly, Tia’s words sounded arrogant, but there was a look of regret over having to be the bearer of this news.

  “Yeah, I do, actually. Please tell me. I need to hear this from someone other than him.” Jeanie gripped the edge of the sofa where she was sitting with one hand and tightened her hold on her cup with the other. It rattled her a little to have Mark, and now Tia, telling her who she was. The most difficult aspect was she knew both of them were right.

  “You’ve always been good at being the doting wife, the quiet one in the background—keeping it all together. But no matter how good your little act was, it was there in your eyes the first time I met you. There was no peace. You knew this wasn’t supposed to be your life. You have this fire in you, and your well-meaning husband was systematically extinguishing it. After a while, you probably didn’t feel it anymore, but I saw it from the first, and so did Mark. He hated seeing that fire in you being suffocated. He tried to find ways to bring it back through simple means, and let me tell you this—it always worked. You’d leave a little more edgy, jumpy even, but you were more alive after being near Mark, including the times when contact was short-lived and extremely limited. There’s this connection between the two of you that I envy. I’ll probably never have something like that.”

  Jeanie’s brow wrinkled and then she rested her forehead in her palm. What was she supposed to do now? What could she do?

  “I understand completely why you’re freaking out. The scariest thing in this world is finding a love that burns you from the inside out,” Tia said.

  “Why?” Jeanie’s haunted voice echoed beneath her chin since her head was tucked down. “Please tell me, because I feel like an idiot. Here I was married and didn’t have that. Shouldn’t I have already had that and experienced it?”

  “Not necessarily. Married couples lack spark all the time. It just happens.” Tia’s voice softened. “But things have changed for you because you realize you could be hurt worse than ever. You have something more than worth living for now, and if it’s ever taken away . . .”

  “I’d be destroyed. If that had been Mark lowered into a grave, I would have heaved myself into that hole with him, and no one would’ve been able to remove me,” Jeanie blurted.

  Her eyes clenched closed, and her heart, that had been numb and splintered before now, warmed, and the pain of admitting it seemed to pull it back together.

  “How hard was it to say that?” Tia asked. Her legs uncurled from under her.

  “Harder than walking out of his house today. I didn’t really want to leave and get away from him, but he and I both knew I needed this.” Jeanie took a deep, shaky breath. “What am I supposed to do?” She shook her head. “My deep emotions for him scare me to death. I worry like crazy that I’m not nearly good enough, and he’ll be wasting his time with me. And then there’s how intense he is . . . Jesus, how will I ever really be able to fully please him?”

  Tia laughed so hard, her leg swung out and kicked the couch, right next to where Jeanie was sitting.

  She gave her friend a puzzled look. “What’s so funny?”

  Tia smirked. “You! There’s no way you can fail. You have the easiest task before you—be yourself. That’s all he wants.”

  “He wants me to submit. What if I can’t? I’m not a trained sub.”

  “You already do it naturally. You’re over-thinking this so much, you’ve probably already given your brain an ulcer, woman. It’s hurting me to watch you spin yourself into a mess of womanhood.” Tia stretched out her legs and sighed like this was all amusing now. “He’s so fucking in love with you, it probably won’t matter at all what you do.”

  “Nothing seems to bother him. I say all sorts of stupid things, and he dismisses them like it’s nothing. I don’t know how he deals with me. I feel so selfish, and my head is all over the place. I’m sure I’m coming across to both of you as a flighty prude of a basket-case.” Jeanie tilted her head to the side and looked at Tia through the corner of her eye.

  “One of the reasons I love him, and I’m sure you do, too, is because that man’s got the patience of all the sain
ts from every age known to man. He’s understanding and open-minded, so if you explain it to him like you just did to me, he’ll be fine with it. If he isn’t, he’s honest and forthcoming enough, he’ll say so.” Tia rested her hands on her thighs, looking every bit the patient saint she was describing.

  “How much do you love him?” Jeanie squeaked.

  “Not enough. You think you’re selfish? Pffft!” Tia rolled her eyes and her shoulders bolted up to her ears. “I talked back all the time when I was with him. Sometimes I did it because I loved watching him punish me, but most of the time I did it because I was annoyed I wasn’t right for him, just like Pono wasn’t right for you. Mark was the exact Dom I wanted and needed. You were the exact wife Pono wanted and needed. There’s no way that didn’t get to your husband.”

  “It did. Mark told me. He read me something Pono wrote to him about that very subject right before we wound up getting married,” Jeanie told her.

  “And if you felt awful for him when you realized how difficult that was for him to live with, and why he probably slowly gave up trying to be what you needed, then you—”

  “It’s not the same!” Jeanie’s hands flew up in the air. “It’s totally different! Marriage is difficult. We both had to compromise.”

  “Yeah, that’s true, but there’s nothing worse than realizing you married someone that makes you incredibly happy, but that you’ll never be what they need in return. Being inadequate is a rotting influence on the soul. No wonder he got lazy, apathetic and packed on weight.”

  Tears—fat, spoiled, mocking ones—rolled down in pairs along Jeanie’s cheeks. She knew it was true, and she couldn’t really be mad at Tia for saying all this.

  She gasped a few times and then finally was able to respond with a simple, quiet, “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, hon. I just want you to be happy, and even if you can’t see it now, I’ve never seen you happier. It’s because you’re finding yourself, and you’re with the man you belong with.”

  Jeanie smiled, and so did her heart. She did belong. For the first time ever, she belonged to herself and to someone else who loved her for exactly who she was.

  Chapter 9

  Every time he took a goddamn breath, it ached.

  She was away from him, and he was dying to be with her again. He hoped she was having some epiphanies and doing some serious soul-searching.

  There had to be some way to help her see they were amazing together and how right this all felt.

  They had been together the entirety of last night in his bed, and she was constantly touching him, even when she was asleep. But then this morning, she freaked out and he knew if he didn’t give her some space, she might leave for good.

  He ran his fingers over the contract and kink list he’d hoped she would have filled out over breakfast.

  But no . . . He had to change the plans.

  Breakfast had been polite and they talked about other things, like what she was currently reading, how she felt about living in California in the near future and what she might miss about Phoenix when she moved here.

  Her answers were brief, but respectful.

  She needed to let loose, and clearly he was setting her on edge by moving too quickly. A fun, carefree night would do them both some good.

  He pulled out his phone and dialed up Marly.

  “Hi, Mark,” she answered.

  “Hey, kiddo. I was wondering if you know of a good dance club that we could bring Jeanie to?”

  “We?”

  “Yeah, she loves dancing, and I know she wants to spend some time with you while she’s in town the next few weeks,” he said.

  “Oh, I know!” Marly then rambled on about several places they could go.

  “Why don’t you pick one, text me the address and I’ll have Jeanie there at seven. We’ll meet you there.” He stared at the paperwork.

  She agreed, and he ended the call.

  Time was up. Jeanie had been at Tia’s for over four hours. There hadn’t been a text saying she needed more time, so he was going to fetch her and bring her back to his place.

  Their place. It already felt like they’d been sharing it for years.

  He grabbed the papers and his keys, then locked up the house.

  Thirty minutes later he was outside Tia’s place.

  His fist pounded lightly at the door—his control barely in existence. He was on edge, his mind racing over every possible scenario of how things might’ve gone while Jeanie was here.

  Tia answered the door, smiling. “Thanks for giving her some breathing room. She’s doing much better—clearer. You’ll be glad you put yourself through this.”

  “She’s been struggling. Thank you for being there for her so she could ask her questions and vent some.” He rested his hand on her door, an inexplicable panic hitting him—worry flooding his mind that Tia might try to keep Jeanie here and close her door in his face.

  Tia nodded and smiled warmly.

  “Hey, we’re going clubbing tonight—dancing and drinking. Why don’t you ask Rodney if you guys can join us? I think Jeanie might be more comfortable with you there. Pono’s little sister will be there, too. She’s been really judgmental with Jeanie, so another friend there for support would be good.”

  “Sure, I’ll ask.” Tia opened the door wide and let him in.

  “Mark!” Jeanie’s eyes lit up, and she clasped her hands in front of her pubis.

  God, she was stunning right down to her perfect little hands and perfect posture.

  “Hi . . . Ready to go back home and have some lunch?” His eyes traveled over her once more.

  She grinned, nodded, and before he knew it, he had his hand on her lower back and was guiding her out the door.

  Perfect.

  She was relaxed and no longer fighting this.

  They said their goodbyes to Tia, and once they were in the car, he cleared his throat. “I was thinking, that in order to get to know each other better, we should be out in public, doing something we both enjoy. So, I’ve arranged for us to meet Marly at a dance club tonight. I’ve invited Tia and Rodney along as well.” His eyes followed her body movement to gauge for any rigidity, signaling she was uncomfortable, since at this point he figured she might not state her preferences. “We’ll leave at six-thirty, and I promise—I won’t push you into doing anything tonight you don’t want to do. Just dinner, some drinks and dancing—nothing more.”

  “That sounds perfect—just like you.” She set her hands in her lap and continued to look at him like he was a welcome sight.

  Thank God! His chest expanded and he started the car, taking her home—where she belonged.

  * * *

  Mark had a hard time keeping his eyes off Jeanie. She was quiet, pensive even, but the most important part was she appeared more relaxed here in his car with him, and she was willing to be with him tonight.

  Out of nowhere, she turned to him and said, “God, Mark. I don’t know how you do it—but in a matter of seconds, you overwhelm my heart and take my breath away, so much that there won’t be any breath left to listen for.”

  “Is that a bad thing?” His eyes shifted back to the road as they drove to the club.

  “Absolutely not. It’s one of the things I adore about you, but it’s hard to take sometimes. I’m not used to it, Sir. If Pono noticed anything I did outside of bringing him dessert, I was usually shocked and wondering if he was okay.”

  “I can see how it would be jarring, but I won’t stop doing it unless it bothers you enough it gets in the way. You need to be told often what a wonderful, stunning creature you are.” He smiled, and his eyes were soft. “It would be really unnatural for me to keep those comments to myself when you’re here with me, being so sweet and looking like the most divine woman I’ve ever seen.”

  Her breath caught. “My God. How can you even talk like that so freely without any reservation? I’m in awe of you.”

  “Don’t be. It’s all you, sweet lady. You inspire all of i
t.”

  When he looked at her, she gave a shy smile and flushed.

  So beautiful.

  “Will you be dancing with me tonight, Sir?”

  “Definitely—try and stop me,” he replied.

  She chuckled, and for some reason it made his heart swell. It was so feminine and innocent-sounding, it sent a thrill tumbling through him. This was the type of stuff he wanted to encourage.

  Already, she sounded at ease and so herself. He couldn’t help but beam at her.

  “And should I try to stop you from complimenting me all night, Sir?” Her lips curved into a delicate smile. “Sounds like that might be something I’d fail at miserably, but I feel obligated to tell you I’m nothing special.”

  “The fact you think that makes you even more special in my eyes.”

  She made an O with her mouth.

  He chuckled.

  “So damn cute.”

  “I’m not trying to be,” she replied, her mouth still agape.

  “And that’s exactly why you are so damn cute.” He reached out and caressed her hand set on her thigh.

  “Can I ask you something though before we arrive at the club, Sir?”

  “Go ahead,” he answered.

  “One of my issues with this whole Dom/sub thing is I never know if I’m doing it right. Tia told me I’m not supposed to touch you without permission. That feels really, really”—her face scrunched in pain—“wrong to me. I was already worried I was botching it all. Now I’m hyper-aware and stressed out that I can’t please you, and that I’m bad at this. And I have a hard time not touching you when we’re alone like we are right now.”

  He swallowed his sharp inhale. “Jeanie,” he said, his voice firm, “you can touch me for now whenever you want until you get a little more used to being with me. Once we’re done with our three weeks you’ve given me, if you choose to stay, then that’ll need to change. For now, if I don’t want you to, I’ll remove your hands off me, or I’ll tell you what I’d rather have you do. I want you to do what feels comfortable at this point, and stop worrying. You’re a very natural submissive woman. Don’t make yourself crazy over it. I know it’s all new to you, so do what feels good, all right?” He arched an eyebrow.