Only a Glow

by Nichelle Rae

  This other Azrel, this “new” Azrel, was temperamental, afraid, careless, and had little control over her emotions. Blowing up at both Beldorn and Rabryn was evidence of that. The only time she had demonstrated control was when the Feariters targeted her brother. I had to find out what made Azrel change so much, how this new Azrel had come to be.

  “The Feariters were here,” she said, interrupting my thoughts.

  I nodded. “I know. I heard them.” I kept it to myself that it was the thought of her that saved me from them. “They must have sensed the fear we felt when we realized what Norka was.” She nodded in agreement.

  There were so many things I wanted to say to her and talk to her about, but I decided to start with the most obvious. “Azrel, why didn’t you tell me that the Blue Dragon was Norka’s Mistress?”

  There was a silent pause. She reached down to pick some grass from the ground and fiddled with it in her fingers. “I forgot.”

  “How could you forget something like that?” I asked. “I’m surprised you don’t remember the very date, day, and time your father taught us about Tribeltwel.”

  She sighed. “I don’t know, Ortheldo.” Her tone was empty and defeated.

  I studied her profile, drinking in her beauty. It was beyond measurable. A Salynn’s fairness couldn’t hold a candle to Azrel. As I considered her eyes, the moonlight made them appear dreamlike, even from the side, and the shade of blue was even more striking in the silver light. I had to remind myself to breathe.

  She finally looked at me, and we stared at each other silently for the longest time. My feelings for her billowed on the edge of explosion as I took in every curve of her flawless face. After a few moments, she turned bright red.

  See it. I silently begged her, locking my eyes on hers. I had to force myself to swallow. My eyes trailed down her face to her gorgeous lips. See it. Please see it. Her strong but soft cheeks. Do you see it? Please tell me you do. Her gorgeous blue eyes that I could look into for just a single moment and then die blissfully. I wanted them to look back at me and mirror the same emotions I was feeling now. I love you. Please see it. Read my eyes. Her hands that I wanted to hold forever. Her body that I wanted next to me for the rest of my life. Her skin that I wanted to inhale as much as the regular air I breathed. Her long hair that I wanted to run my fingers through until I couldn’t move anymore.

  Her face turned an even deeper crimson, and she finally looked away from my gaze like she had all the other times I’d taken the opportunity to show her what I felt for her. I was unsure of how to speak my feelings, so I relied on her talent for reading eyes to let her know. But she never seemed to see it. I was more eager than ever to tell her how I felt after I thought I was going to lose her to Norka. I worried that if I didn’t tell her soon, especially taking on a journey like this, I might never get the chance. But now wasn’t the time.

  I mentally sighed to myself and looked away. Maybe she couldn’t read my love for her in my eyes. Perhaps the feeling of love, besides for a sibling, was alien to her. Maybe just the possibility that I could love her, or that she could be loved at all, was alien to her.

  She surprised me then by leaning into me and wrapping her arms around my neck. I didn’t dare question her embrace; I was grateful it was even happening. I turned into her and held her close to me. She felt so warm against me, so wonderfully correct. I felt stronger as a man when I held her in my arms. I made a point to inhale deeply, taking in and savoring the smell of her hair, then her skin as I buried my face into her neck. I quickly found myself fighting with every ounce of my will power, as man and as a human being, not to kiss her neck and to keep my hands where they were on her back. I had so painfully missed her after she fell into the Ambuel River.

  For nine years, I’d longed to tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, and I longed to tell her now as I held her. The words were there, but I knew she wouldn’t understand if I told her now anyway. She probably wouldn’t believe me, much less return my love. I could tell that much when she looked away from me, her eyes betraying a hint of confusion whenever I looked at her as I did a moment ago. She had such a way with reading eyes that if she did truly understand what my eyes were telling her, she would already know that I loved her.

  It was okay, though. I’d waited nine years to tell her how I felt, and I’d wait as long as was needed. Right now, she needed a friend; we both did. We had a long, dangerous journey ahead. The Feariters were nothing compared to the evil that lurked, the evil that hunted the necklace and in some cases the sword of the White Warrior.

  My arms tightened around her at the thought of losing her again. It was a pain I couldn’t bear a second time. I wanted to hold her like this forever, to keep her safe from everything, but Azrel wasn’t one to be protection.

  She finally pulled away but kept her hands on my shoulders as she gazed at me with concern. “Are you okay?”

  My brows wrinkled. “What do you mean?”

  She dropped her hands from my shoulders, placing them in her lap and looked down at them. “I saw Norka throw you.” Her eyes turned back up to me. “Are you hurt?”

  I pressed my lips together incredulously. “Please. I’ve suffered worse knocks than a shove from a harmless Wizard.”

  Her blue eyes brightened. “Harmless?” she smiled. “You heard his story?” I sighed and nodded, casting my eyes down in shame for judging him so prematurely. “I thought you stormed off.”

  I reached down and absently picked at the grass. “I stayed close in case you needed me and managed to overhear everything.” I glanced up at her. “I believe him.” I looked back to the ground. “I still don’t trust him, but I believe him.”

  She cocked her head and narrowed her eyes playfully. “If you don’t trust him, why do you believe him?”

  I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair as I looked at the water again. Humiliation time. Only Azrel could use her talent for argument to make me see how wrong, and sometimes stupid, I was. I probably wouldn’t admit I was wrong to anyone but her.

  “I didn’t trust Norka from day one. I wanted to hate him because he presented himself as a threat to you right off. I looked for any excuse not to trust him so you would send him away. Every time I found a flaw in his actions, something in my heart told me that everything was okay.” I shrugged as I figured I’d please her further. “After hearing Norka’s story, that feeling seemed to mock me and say, ‘I told you so, idiot. You should listen to me and Azrel more often.’”

  She laughed, and the sound of it lifted my heavy heart. I grinned at her. When she smiled, it wasn’t just a smile of her mouth, but one that was always in her eyes as well.

  I gave her a meaningful look. “I’m glad you stopped me from killing him this time,” I said, holding up a finger at her, “but if he hurts you again, there’s no way even you will be able to talk me out of spilling his guts. Do we understand each other?”

  I was half kidding. I meant what I said, but the harsh tone was false. She saw that and softly smiled in understanding. We shared a gaze for a moment, but then the snap of a bowstring and a cry of death from an animal nearby broke the silence of the night.

  Both Azrel and I turned in the direction of the sound. “What was that?” I asked.

  “Rabryn took Norka hunting for food.”

  My eyebrows went up. “You actually let him go alone?” I was thrilled she was taking my advice and not babysitting him. The fact that she’d let him go alone in the woods with Norka was a big step.

  With a smile of satisfaction, she rested her elbows on her knees and went back to playing with the grass in her fingers. “I threatened Rabryn’s life if he went beyond my smelling distance.” She looked at me. “He listens well.”

  My shoulders sagged. She hadn’t taken my advice. But Rabryn neither needed to be protected, nor did he want to be. I could tell it in his eyes and actions every time Azrel did so. Rabryn was too brave for his own good. He insisted on taking a watch every night even though
he was very unaware of the dangers out here. For Goodness sake, he managed to draw a weapon after Feariters had targeted him! That alone spoke volumes of his potential and courage, and he was a Salynn on top of that.

  All Salynns were wondrous in the wild, regardless of where they grew up. Now that he was out here, he needed to exercise his independence and get a good feel for it and his own instincts. He needed to learn to trust himself to make decisions, the right decisions, especially during this journey. Azrel was stalling his development by protecting him and not allowing him to take the risks he needed to take to harden his disposition.

  I didn’t want to provoke an argument about Rabryn, so I changed the subject to something else that would get my head bitten off. “Azrel, why don’t you tell your brother what the White Warrior is?”

  The sudden tension in the air almost took my breath away. Though she hadn’t even moved, it felt suddenly as if she were ready to pounce on me any second.

  She didn’t look away from the grass in her hands. “Because he doesn’t need to know.” Her tone had a hint of an edge to it.

  It was clear she wanted me to drop the topic. But like her, I had a stubborn streak. “Oh, really?” I said flatly. “Pray tell, why is that?”

  She spun on me. “He just doesn’t need to know!” she screamed.

  Ladies of The Light, I didn’t expect that! I jumped at her reaction. Her eyes were wide in a threatening, psychotic manner, her teeth clenched and bared. It was the same face she’d made when screaming at Beldorn and Rabryn. Now I saw why Rabryn had been so frightened. How Beldorn showed no reaction to this was beyond me. The look on her face made me want to swallow my tongue for speaking. But if I let her know she was intimidating me, I’d never get to the bottom of this, and I needed to. The only way now was to appear just as threatening. I doubted I could compete with her, but I had to try.

  I narrowed my eyes into slits and flared my nostrils. “Don’t you ever yell at me like that again.” I spoke as low and as threateningly as I could manage. “I asked you a question, and I want an answer.”

  She seemed to shrink back under my glare, but only for an instant. Her eyes then narrowed and her breath heaved in and out of her nose. She slowly stood up. Her hands were balled into such tight fists at her sides that her knuckles turned white. “Don’t you dare presume to think that you can give me orders,” she said in a throaty voice.

  The Gods of Light know Azrel and I had our share of heated arguments while growing up, but this was nothing like those times. This was the new Azrel I was dealing with. I didn’t know how to handle this one, but I held my ground anyway. Refusing to look like a scolded puppy, I slowly stood, my glare deepening. She was 5 feet, 9 inches tall; I stood 6 feet, 4 inches, and I took full advantage of my height. I straighten my back and made a point to look down at her, taking the position of power. My voice was low and even, but the threat was unmistakable. “Azrel, if you don’t tell him, I will.”

  Her moves were like lightening! With a terrifying scream her hands came up and gathered the front of my shirt in her fists. With impossible strength, she practically picked me up from the ground and slammed me hard into a thick tree trunk. Pain and blood exploded from the back of my head, and my vision flashed black for an instant.

  “If you ever threaten me again I’ll make you rue the day you were born!”

  I couldn’t keep my face from revealing the pain I felt. It seemed to consume me and nothing else was noteworthy. My back throbbed, and my vision had dimmed from the blow to my head.

  Suddenly her grip left me and I helplessly crumbled to my knees like a puppet whose strings had been cut. Blood dripped down my neck and back. Only when I found myself gasping for air did I realize she’d somehow cut off my breathing, too!

  I wearily looked up at her. Her eyes were wide and her hands pressed against her mouth as she looked at me, seeming to just realize what she’d done. She spun around, ran to the stream, and threw up.

  I staggered to my feet and went to her, holding back her hair as the contents of her stomach emptied into the rushing water. I feared this new Azrel, though it didn’t seem right fearing the woman that I grew up with and loved.

  No, the Azrel that attacked me wasn’t the Azrel I knew. The Azrel that just attacked me was unpredictable and clearly dangerous. It wasn’t my Azrel, but the negative addition to the Azrel I knew.

  I had to find out what was happening. As I listened to the water moving and Azrel heaving, a thought came to me out of nowhere. This new Azrel could be the result of something to do with her very magic and not just the hatred she had experienced in The Pitt. It had to be something deep inside her bringing about this violence and anger, not something as superficial as people hating her. The Azrel I knew was too strong to let some petty hatred change her this much. The thought made some sense because she became dangerous only when questioned about her magic.

  My head throbbed with pain, but I tried to think through the haze. Azrel was the White Warrior, but she really lost her temper when asked about it. The tantrums she threw when Beldorn and Rabryn insisted she tell her secret, and now her attack on me, were clear evidence of that.

  I wondered if she hated her magic.

  Just as I was thinking that it wasn’t possible, I began to wonder if she could hate her magic so much that she would deny who she was, or perhaps bury it deep down inside so she didn’t have to acknowledge it. My brows dropped as these thoughts came to me completely unbidden. If she hated her enough to dismiss or bury that part of her, it could have created a void inside her soul—a void then filled with the hatred from The Pitt, creating this new, angrier Azrel.

  I sighed to myself, wondering where these theories were coming from. That hit on my head may have cracked something loose. It hurt enough to be true. Whatever was wrong, I had to get to the bottom of it. I had to find out how to help her.

  “I will tell you how to help.”

  My heart jumped at the unexpected sound. A voice that was not really like a voice had spoken. I glanced about the woods with wide eyes. I looked to my right—nothing. Then I looked to my left and saw a white shapeless form materialize beside me. It was barely there, much thinner than fog. It was more like a wisp of mist, or steam from a boiling pot, only much more still. An invisible rock of fright formed in my throat as the voice spoke again.

  “If she does not accept who she is, all of you will die, along with the gem and all of Casdanarus.”

  “What…who are you?” I wanted to say, but the rock in my throat didn’t let the words pass.

  “That’s not important now,” the voice said, reading my thoughts. My heart raced with fear, making my head hurt more. “What is important is that evil is about and in search of the healing gem. Gibirs and Gorkors have been unleashed, and you have already encountered Legan’dirs. These creatures have been seen across Casdanarus, and peaceful lands are beginning to whisper of war and a Second Shadow.”

  My teeth clenched at that thought. There would not be a Second Shadow! Never again would Evil take over the world! Not as long as I drew a breath!

  “A Second Shadow will occur if Azrel fails, and Azrel will fail if she does not accept her gift.”

  It felt like someone was pounding a burning wooden stake into the back of my skull with a metal mallet.

  “You must remind Azrel why she was put here on earth. She has a job to do, but has forgotten much of what her father taught her—the Blue Dragon, for instance. If she is not reminded, even in the smallest ways, everything will end. You must remind her how to be what she was born to be, what her father trained her to be: if not yet the White Warrior, then a warrior at the very least. The rest will come eventually. She will walk down her path, but you must begin by showing it to her.”

  “How?” I couldn’t believe it. I was having a mental conversation with a patch of glowing mist.

  “Use the evil that is lurking about,” the voice replied. “Remind her of what she is. She has forgotten.”

  With that, the
mist disappeared. I stared in disbelief where it had been and tried to comprehend whether it at been a dream or not. Was this whole thing a big dream? The sound of Azrel sobs made me realize it wasn’t. She had sunk to her knees to empty her dinner into the creek. I dropped to my knees beside her, glad to have the weight off my feet. I gathered her in my arms.

  She weakly resisted my embrace. “Don’t touch me,” she sobbed pathetically. “I don’t deserve to be comforted by you.”

  “Why?” I asked softly. “Why do you think that?” I desperately wanted to hold her, to ease her pain, to find out what was wrong with her.

  “Because I’m evil!” she wailed, throwing her head back in grief and numbly trying to push me away.

  Her words penetrated my soul. I’d never seen her so helpless before, so desperately upset. She was so alone, so weak and alone, and it terrified me that someone as strong as Azrel could become so vulnerable. Something was very wrong. I knew the warrior she was born to be, the warrior she had been before we lost each other. That warrior needed to come back.

  I crushed her to my chest. “You listen to me, Azrel. You are not evil. Do you hear me? You’re not!” I tried to sound convincing, but the tremble in my voice at witnessing her so weakened betrayed me. “Is that why you won’t accept who you are, or tell Rabryn about it? Because you think you’re evil?”

  “I almost killed you!” she cried, still trying to resist my embrace. “I am evil!”

  My heart skipped a beat, and I held her tighter. I was right! She hated her magic and didn’t want to accept that she was the White Warrior. She didn’t want to accept her power. She believed herself evil, she believed her power evil! But how could she have come to such a conclusion? How could she think the very essence of Goodness, the White Fire, was evil? Black Fire was the power of Evil. She knew that!

  As the thought dawned on me, I closed my eyes in realization. It was because her father died as soon as she received her power. Everything good in her life ended the moment she received the Sword, and it just got worse as time went on. That’s why she hated it and hated herself.