The Reluctant Healer

by Andrew D. Himmel

My presence didn’t help. It would have been so much easier for them if I had been an authentic fraud. They still would not have embraced me, and their anguish would be no less pronounced. But they sensed my ambivalence immediately, and that introduced rage into the mix. Add to that the spectacle of our excellent adventure on a motorcycle heading through Mexico and Central America, and, well, you get the picture. Our visit was unpleasant.

  So, you want to know one of the biggest takeaways from the last eighteen months? I never gave you guys enough credit. I can hear both of you now, laughing at this nonsense. But I sold you short, because I should have been awed by you. Well, take heart. I am awed now, awed by your ability to see past distractions and get to the heart of the matter, the core of a person. You did that with Erica, and you did so effortlessly.

  Here’s something else. I miss Jessica. The fraudulent one, not the real one. I miss her quirky, curious, direct, engaging way, her ability to connect instantly. And we connected, I don’t care how deceitful she was. Anyway, her deceit was deeper than she realized. She could not have summoned from within her the words, expressions, understanding, and empathy of our sessions, unless all of these qualities were there already, roiling around, trying to find a place that would reside peacefully with her unyielding faith. There’s a well-known metaphor somewhere in all of this. Something about a beautiful sculpted figure always having existed, and all it took was a skilled craftsman to hack away the extraneous, hard stone. I’m going to make it a point to contact her when we return, because I didn’t like the way we left things, our power standoff, our draining battle of indignation and anger. I have, in the meantime, returned everything to her that we printed out from her files. We kept no copies. I also appreciate the fact that she declined to press charges with the district attorney’s office. And contrary to your views, I do not fault her for submitting her affidavit to the Disciplinary Committee.

  Which leads me to my take on the decision of the Appellate Division publicly censuring me and suspending me from the practice of law. I’ve given this some thought, and I’ve decided not to challenge the ruling, because they got it right. Let’s face it: We were out of our minds stealing Jessica’s personal information, a conclusion Erica does not share, even though Erica agreed without hesitation, and at some risk to her, to disclose everything about that episode to the committee. I’m not plagued by guilt or remorse. Instead, when I allow my thoughts to drift, I get pissed off again, and I want to reenact the infliction of pain on Jessica. That’s a bad place to be, and I find myself using the Appellate Division ruling to push these thoughts away. It works.

  Here’s another thought. I want someday to return to the practice of law. I don’t buy the facile notion that the law is a soulless construct, antithetical to the more spiritual pursuits chosen by enlightened souls. For people who think that way, the law is an invisible luxury, protecting them in ways they don’t understand. And I liked being part of the process. I may wait for a year or two and then ask the court to consider reducing the length of my suspension.

  I will try to repair my broken ties with Canaan & Cassidy, but that will be tricky. They haven’t exactly shunned me, and with Stefan on the ascent, I doubt I will ever be the object of the firm’s condemnation. But even Stefan has cooled off a bit, as the firm suffered some degree of embarrassment. All that said, I think that with the passage of time, I can heal this relationship. I am a healer, right?

  Actually, let’s follow up on that point. Can a lawyer from suburbia, conditioned by culture to be cynical, bridge what might be an illusory gap separating science from metaphysics? Can I help others, in the way I might have helped Halter, Lindquist, and Kravitz? Should I explore alternative possibilities through concrete action, even without having concrete proof? Or maybe I should immerse myself in religious studies, so that I might better appreciate the more subtle nature of miracles.

  It occurs to me that these are the wrong questions, or at least, they are premature. I am plagued by doubts about mysticism, healing, spirituality. I can’t rid myself of a sharp-edged disdain. In my interior monologues, I find myself lashing out, using the tools of ridicule and scorn, to preserve my equilibrium. It’s fun and mean spirited. But at the same time, I cling to the possibility that my involvement played some role in helping others. What a psychic mess.

  But at some point as we were heading west on the bike, I think maybe somewhere along Route 80 just north of Punxsutawney, it dawned on me. Stop struggling. Stop trying to corral your stray thoughts. Doubt may not be a permanent governing philosophy, but neither is it a curse. So, here’s my grand plan. I’ll float along on the currents of my erratic instincts rather than try to steer a steady course. And then, in some random manner, I’ll consider possibilities. Study. Learn. Accept or reject. Be open to find it all absurd, be open to find legitimacy, be open to find some combination of the two. But be open.

  Erica is standing over my shoulder now, watching me type and reading the words. She is silent and smiling. I wonder what would happen if I typed something really annoying and unfair. Would she grab the laptop away from me, write something herself? Let’s try.

  Can I heal others, Erica? Can you? Is there even a shred of legitimacy to metaphysical intervention? I don’t have answers to these questions. Here’s what I know, and you may not like this. I lost my bearings, my moral compass, my sense of self. You’ve torn me apart, and I have to piece myself back together. So you’ll have to tolerate episodes of immaturity and blasphemy during this process.

  We’re both clueless, Erica. We don’t know a blessed thing. We don’t even know the difference between wisdom and ignorance, fact and fiction, right and wrong, if recent events are any guide. I’ll grant you one thing, though. You freed me, not because I’ve achieved certainty, but because I now recognize that I can’t. That’s the true irony of the 1944 quote from Learned Hand that Jessica used to skewer me in her article. She passed over the best part of the speech, the part that said: “What then is the spirit of liberty? I cannot define it; I can only tell you my own faith. The spirit of liberty is the spirit which is not too sure that it is right.”

  Erica is still standing over my shoulder. She is still reading the words. She is still smiling.

  Acknowledgments

  Without my loving wife, Michele LaGamba-Himmel, I could never have written this book. I credit my wife Michele as being a co-editor of the novel. As I wrote this book over the years, she reviewed every word, every sentence, every name, every scene, every plot, finding the names of the characters, especially the two main characters, Will and Erica, and often reworking the images and scenes. She gave true resonance to all of the healing areas, which were based on her actual experiences and intuitions. If you wish to learn about Michele and her healing, you can find her at www.energy-matters.us. The inspiration that pushed this book forward came from Michele as well as from the dynamic of our relationship.

  This book also benefited from the guidance and wisdom of my daughter, Nicole. One day, when I grow up, I hope to write as well as she does. Her encouragement and enthusiasm for the project, and her understanding of the written word, proved to be of great value.

  My mother, Betty Himmel, and my father, the late Arthur Himmel, provided me with wisdom and devotion, which continue to sustain me. I am also thankful for my great relationships with my siblings, Carol, Tony, and Jeffrey, as well as with my in-laws, Eleanor and Anthony LaGamba.

  I am thankful for the twenty-year affiliation of my law partner, Tracey Bernstein. I thank Jim Ford, the real-life motorcycle instructor who appears in the novel. If you are serious about motorcycle riding, I commend you to his website, www.ridersworkshop.com, and to his book, The Art of Riding Smooth.

  I’m also thankful for my forty-year friendship with Charles Santangelo and his sister, Pat Santangelo, who introduced Michele to me.

  A special thanks to the Fenner family in Los Altos, California, and in particular to Tom Fenner, Deputy General Counsel, Stanford University, whose toast at his daug
hter’s wedding I shamelessly borrowed at the end of Chapter 11. Can you copyright a toast? I hope not.

  And finally, thanks to the Greenleaf team in general, and to Jessica Choi, my editor, in particular. Jessica combined gentle guidance with incisive commentary, which helped bring this novel to the next level.

  Reader’s Guide

  Describe key moments in The Reluctant Healer when you see Will beginning to cross over from doubt to a greater openness to unconventional possibilities. In particular, in what ways does Will’s relationship with Erica parallel his journey from skepticism to openness?

  Will felt a “vague emptiness” in his life before meeting Erica. Even if you do not accept the notion of energetic healing, in what ways do you think Will’s introduction to this world played some role in freeing him from the shackles of his ordered life?

  Erica tells Will she was originally drawn to him at the restaurant, because she could sense he had powers. How do you think she knew? Do you think they would be together if he did not possess these abilities? Describe how her belief in Will’s abilities encourages his own exploration of spiritual healing and the degree to which this plays out in key moments in the novel.

  Discuss ways in which Stefan demonstrates his fierce loyalty to Will throughout the book. How does Stefan’s belief in Will, rather than in Will’s abilities, impact the outcome of the story?

  Describe other characters in the novel who, like Will, are skeptical or reluctant to believe in spiritual healing but yet who suspend their disbelief. What does this say about the nature of belief?

  Talk about the role of humor in the book. In what ways does the author’s use of humor reflect Will’s inner conflict?

  On the evening before Will’s two-day motorcycle ride, he says that he feels like his life has always been “like the bullet of a slingshot, held suspended and inert,” and he now believes himself about to be “catapulted.” Why is this motorcycle journey such an important one for Will? What role does the motorcycle play in The Reluctant Healer, and what does riding mean to Will?

  The author creates a sense of disconnect between Will and Erica during key scenes in the novel, particularly after Will leaves for his two-day Rider’s Workshop. Describe the ripple effects of the disconnection they experience in the chapters that follow and the significance of these as they inform the narrative arc.

  What enabled Will to heal Jerry Halter, Mark Lindquist, and Robert Kravitz? Was his success coincidental? The result of a placebo effect? Or did consciousness, power of the mind, or the harnessing of intention play the greater role?

  Although Will is able to heal Robert Kravitz of stage four pancreatic cancer at Mark Lindquist’s house, why do you think the other characters at Lindquist’s house were not healed? Do people have to believe in healers and their abilities in order to be healed? What, if any, are the lessons learned from the characters who attended the meeting?

  What are the implications of becoming a spiritual healer? Do you think Will understands these implications? Why or why not?

  Will loves and has a good relationship with his parents, but he is not close with them until after Erica comes into their lives. How does Will’s relationship evolve with his parents throughout the book? Discuss ways in which their attitudes about Erica move the plot forward.

  How would you characterize the healer/client dynamic between Will and Jessica Bryant? Do you think he was naïve to be as honest with her as he was? Why or why not?

  Discuss how the course of action Will embarks on after the publication of Jessica Bryant’s New York magazine “The Future of Fraud” article reflects his inchoate involvement with healing and demonstrates that he has entered a new phase in his life.

  The author believes that The Reluctant Healer is a bigger story about how we as human beings get along with and coexist with people who are different from—and sometimes the complete opposite of— us. In what ways does Will’s worldview and journey of growth illustrate this? How does this play out in scene? And how do you think Will’s ability to love Erica for who she is informs us as readers?

  What other main themes can you identify in the book? How do they come through?

  Author Q&A

  Q: How and when did you first know you wanted to write The Reluctant Healer? Can you share what inspired you to write a book about a lawyer who begins to take more seriously the notion of energetic healing?

  A: My wife Michele and I recently celebrated our 25th anniversary. About 15 years ago, she became involved in energy healing and other pursuits, which at first did not resonate with me. As a left-brain-oriented attorney, I found many of her newfound interests and colleagues difficult to relate to and understand.

  But as I became more exposed to my wife’s new world, I developed an appreciation of her perspective and the perspectives of her colleagues (many of whom are doctors and PhDs), if not an enhanced understanding of their methods. This dynamic created what I’ll refer to as a healthy tension in our relationship. Over time, I began to have stray thoughts about a fictional character, conventional in outlook, becoming involved with someone more spiritually inclined. Much of my initial musing was simply about the tension itself, rather than about a more focused narrative.

  At some point, a whimsical thought occurred to me, which gradually gained definition: What if the conventional individual, rigid in his beliefs, developed the capability of healing others, even as he distrusted much of the alternative world? His struggle would become poignant and pronounced, because he would be grappling not just with tension in his relationship but also with internal conflict with phenomena that challenged both his sense of self and his worldview.

  Q: In what ways are you and Will alike? In what ways are you different? Was it hard to separate your sensibilities from Will’s?

  A: Will and I share a certain hesitation in embracing new ventures and ideas. His career trajectory, like mine, was hardly daring but instead followed the traditional path of many from a suburban background: college, law school, and legal practice.

  Ultimately, though, Will proves himself to be more adventurous, willing to recognize that his cautious existence requires something flammable to incinerate its boundaries. Will is more troubled than I am by what he perceives as the limitations of his existence; he is therefore more open to unorthodox endeavors to achieve a liberation of his spirit.

  Q: Are any of the other characters in the book inspired by real people you know? Stefan? Your parents? Halter? Lindquist? Vanja? Sondra?

  A: In most instances, the individuals in my own life bear limited relation to their “counterpoint” characters in the book. My own father was a successful businessman, bold and daring, and quite different from Will’s father, an intelligent but gentle individual, whose career accomplishments are unimpressive. Both Erica and Michele are beautiful and imposing women involved with spirituality, but Erica is unkempt and at times militant and humorless, whereas Michele has a brighter, more optimistic approach to life. Also, unlike Erica’s parents, Michele’s parents are more sympathetic to and understanding of Michele’s life choices.

  Other characters are a blend of people I’ve known in my life and career. Stefan, for example, is a composite of urbane European friends. Both Halter and Lindquist are a mash-up of clients I have known, and Halter, in particular, suffers from a psychiatric disorder concerning something of which I have some personal knowledge. Vanja represents a number of healers that Michele has exposed me to over the years. And Justice Ramone is inspired in part by a judge before whom I’ve appeared on a number of occasions over the years and whose acerbic style is well-known among the New York bar.

  Q: “La Cara de la Señorita Isabella Cortella” is a captivating story within a story, so different in tone than The Reluctant Healer. Did you come up with the idea for it during the course of writing, or did you have this story in mind before you began the novel? What was your inspiration for this story? Did it require research? How long did it take you to write?

  A: During my daughte
r’s graduation weekend at Stanford, I overhead someone describing the latest financial scam, namely, the sale of bearer bonds supposedly issued by the Mexican government 100 years ago. The scam artist assures the buyer that, based on some quirky loophole in Mexican law, the bonds today would be worth a small fortune.

  That prompted me to start writing a story about one of those bonds, with the twist being that the bond was actually authentic. But as I started to write the story, I found it morphing into the narrative of the alreadycommenced draft of The Reluctant Healer. I jettisoned the idea of the bonds and instead bent the arc of the story to fit the plot line of the novel.

  More than any other chapter in the book, this chapter “wrote itself.” By that, I mean that a certain attitude or voice took hold in me, and I just followed that voice as the story unfolded. I think for this reason, I wrote this chapter very quickly, not because it was easy or less elaborate but because I simply surrendered myself to the attitude and voice.

  Q: What was your favorite chapter to write in The Reluctant Healer, and why? And on the other side of the spectrum, were there any chapters that were particularly challenging for you to write? If so, can you share what it was about these parts of the story that challenged you?

  A: The answer to all parts of this question is Chapter 42, “Grounded,” where Will confronts Justice Carlina Ramone. “Grounded” was an enjoyable chapter to write, because it enabled me to bring the narrative of the story more directly into the legal setting, an environment of great familiarity to me. I found that I was able to highlight in one chapter many of the ebbs and flows experienced by an attorney in a courtroom setting, and I tried to capture the sharp-edged drama that can arise in courtroom confrontations among judges and attorneys.

  “Grounded” was, at the same time, a challenging chapter, because in drafting the story line, I re-experienced many of my most difficult moments as an attorney. As any litigator can attest, you can be doing quite well in a courtroom proceeding, and then, in a heartbeat, the advantageous moment can evaporate. Where you once felt the wind behind your back, in the next second, you can feel the weight of the system bearing down on you. The reasons can be based on the vagaries of a witness or the whims of a judge, and the loss of control can be disorienting.