by Eric Vall
“That’s Duglot,” Cupi explained. “He’s the one with the elemental magic, and Loras has always been known as the ‘electric lord.’”
“Right,” I thanked her, “Duglot’s stone hands were strong enough to nearly take down my violet Hellfire, but there’s one thing they won’t be able to withstand: their own force.”
“I’m already on it.” Cupi grinned and then summoned blue Hellfire into her hand. “One shattered limb, coming right up.”
“I’ll go save the passengers,” Liby spoke up as her eyes began to glow purple, and then she dashed off to the left.
Cupi and I gave each other one last glance before we ran off toward the fight.
Todd was zipping around Loras’ head, dodging violent strikes of lightning as he returned fire with a mix of red fireballs and silver sprays of mist.
Just a few feet away, Invidia was acrobatically dodging the hardened fists of Duglot. She cartwheeled over one of his blows, landed in a crouch, and stabbed him repeatedly with her dagger. However, it didn’t seem to be doing much damage. Her weapon was coming out dry, and the old woman didn’t even seem to have a reaction to the attack.
“Skin’s too thick,” I observed. “Cupi, you take the old hag, and I’ll get the fucking Electric Light Orchestra over here.”
“Got it.” Cupi nodded, and then we split apart in different directions.
As I got closer to Loras, I summoned red and yellow Hellfire into my hands, clapped them together, and then hurled a swarm of enchanted shuriken at the bastard.
Loras saw my attack too late, and he was only able to dodge a few of the projectiles. The rest stabbed into his left shoulder and caused him to let out a yelp of pain.
If he thought that was bad, wait till he saw what was happening next.
I closed my glowing fist, and the shuriken lodged in his body exploded like a handful of incendiary grenades.
Bloody chunks of the old man’s flesh and muscles flew from his body as the force of the attack caused him to spin around rapidly. Before his momentum was stopped, Todd flew down and hit him square in the face with his silver Hellfire.
Loras stumbled backward, reoriented himself, and then shook his head to try and shake off the spell. However, the imp’s Hellfire had worked. Loras’ eyes were completely bloodshot, and his motions were even slower than usual as he tried to figure out what was going on.
“Damn it,” Todd muttered. “I figured knocking him off balance would make him trip over his own saggy balls.”
Loras tried to let out a growl of anger, but all that came out was a sad, half-cocked grumble. He unleashed a bolt of lightning directly at Todd and me, but his aim was so terrible that he missed by a mile.
I threw up a shield of purple to protect the people Libidine was trying to evacuate, but it was quite clear this fucker wasn’t that much of a threat any longer.
It was time to go in for the kill.
“You take left, I take right?” Todd asked, and I confirmed with a nod.
The imp floated off to one side, and I ran to the other. As I ran, I called on my own green Hellfire, surrounded one of the nearby tables, and then launched it at Loras.
The piece of furniture struck the Demon Lord in the side of the head and forced him to stumble, but his reaction of surprise came a few seconds after the fact.
Whatever Todd sprayed him with must have been some good shit.
“Fuck, bro,” the imp whistled with satisfaction. “This dude must be a lightweight. I can spray that shit into my face full blast for like, a straight minute and not have any reaction.”
Before Loras could recover, I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, pointed it over at a nearby chef’s cart, and liquified the entire thing. Ceramic plates shattered against the ground as the metal panel was ripped out from beneath them and turned into a giant, shapeless ball of liquid metal. I ordered the ball to return to my hand as I ran and then commanded it to turn into a simple sword.
Once I was only a few feet away from the demon fucker, I hauled back, took aim at his neck, and swung.
Seconds before the sharp edge of the sword could separate his head from his shoulders, there was a loud crack, and my blade flew from my hands. At the same time, I felt a sharp jolt of electricity course through my mitts.
“Yeeoww!” I gasped as I tried to shake away the feeling.
Loras raised his glowing yellow hands, took aim, and unleashed a bolt of electricity straight into my stomach.
Thankfully, I was a second faster than the bastard, and all he hit was a barrier of purple Hellfire.
The electric spell bounced off the shield and ricocheted back onto Loras, but his disoriented form did nothing but absorb the attack.
“So, it looks like metal weapons are out for this guy,” I growled as Todd floated back down beside me. “If only we’d brought along some rubber to insulate ourselves.”
“Hold up, bro,” Todd said as he stuck his finger in the air.
The imp nonchalantly dodged another blast of electricity as he pursed his lips, stuck out his tongue, and fumbled around in what I assumed was his pocket. After a second or two, his eyes lit up and he produced two small, foil-wrapped squares.
They were Magnum condoms.
“That’s--That’s not the kind of rubber we need,” I sighed, but the imp wasn’t listening.
“Sure it is, bro,” he explained as he jumped over another blast of electric Hellfire and then opened the condoms delicately. “I was saving these for that hot redhead out in Kansas, but I can always buy some more. I just hope the gas stations in Hell have ‘em in my size … ”
In one swift motion, the imp placed the first condom against the tip of his horn and unrolled it down until it covered the entire length of the appendage. Then he repeated the motion with the other so he had two well-protected horns. Todd clapped his hands together devilishly as he landed on the ground, stepped forward, and threw out his arms to the side in a dare.
Both of the condoms were absurdly large, and they hung off his horns like vines trapped in a deer’s antlers.
“Come at me, brotha!” he declared in a Hulk Hogan voice. “The Hulkster’s been takin’ his vitamins, and he’s invincible.”
“Todd, I’m not sure--”
Before I could respond, a blast of electricity struck Todd square in the chest and sent him flying backwards. His tiny imp body knocked over a few tables as he tumbled, but then he came to a crashing halt against the ship’s bar.
“Horns are still good, bro … ” he muttered weakly from behind my position.
That was it. I was done playing games with this guy.
Loras tried to attack me again, but in his baked-out state, his spell was easy to dodge.
I flipped over the bolt of electricity, threw down a platform below myself, and then landed on my hands and knees. I reached up toward the chandelier above his head, summoned silver flames, and began to liquify the metal that held it in place.
If I couldn’t stab this fucker, I could at least crush him to death.
I yanked the metal away from the light, and it seemed to be suspended in midair for a moment. Then, just as planned, the heavy, sharp shards of crystal came crashing down on Loras.
He glanced up for a moment before he even registered what was going on. His eyes were still squinty and his mouth was still agape, but then his expression quickly turned to one of horror. Loras went to jump out of the way of the chandelier, but it was far too late.
There was a sick, wet crunching sound as the oversized light fixture hit the demon and smashed his body into a mangled pulp. What seemed to be gallons and gallons of blackish-red demon blood poured out from beneath the heap of crystal, metal, and glass, and Loras’ hands were the only part of the demon that seemed to be visible.
The appendages both crackled with a few sparks of yellow Hellfire, and for a second, I thought the bastard had somehow survived. But then, the sparks disappeared, and his hands went limp.
With half of the threat dispelle
d, I turned around to see how my friends were doing against Duglot.
The demon bruiser looked like he hadn’t even taken a single blow. Gone completely was his old woman disguise, replaced with a horned body that was covered from head to toe in light green Hellfire and rocky skin.
Cupi, Eligor, and Invidia were more than enough to overwhelm the bastard, but he still wasn’t going down.
Eligor was striking Duglot vigorously with her twin swords. The blows from the weapons sparked as the sharp edges hit his rocky skin, but they didn’t penetrate.
Cupi and Vidia were both parrying his stone fists with their individual weapons, but the sporadic blows they got in seemed to be doing no damage, as well.
This guy was built like a fucking tank.
But even a tank wouldn’t be able to withstand my God Bomb.
The only problem was that we were in a tiny, enclosed space. Libidine had gotten most of the people out of here and to safety, but it wouldn’t really matter if half of the fucking boat was blown off. We’d sink instantly.
I needed to get Duglot in a large, open space, and fast.
“Hey asshole!” I called out to get the demon’s attention. “Wanna go for a ride?”
I spread out my hands toward two more nearby food carts and liquified them instantly. Then I commanded the metal to form together into a thick, heavy chain. Finally, I threw the makeshift weapon at Duglot, Ghost Rider style.
The demon threw up his arm to block the incoming chain, but it simply wrapped around his wrist instead. Before he could reach over to get it off, I commanded the metal to liquify and then fuse itself together.
Duglot wasn’t going anywhere. Unless I wanted him to.
I threw down purple Hellfire onto my feet just as the demon tried to yank me toward him. My spell held, but there was a sharp pain that shot through my spine as it lurched forward from the motion.
“Hey guys?” I called out to my succubi as I tried to hold my position. “Could I get a lift?”
They must have understood what I was going for, because Cupiditas quickly sprouted her wings and then swooped over behind me. I released the purple spell as she lifted us up into the air, but we didn’t get very far before the chain went taunt.
The action was enough to knock Duglot off balance, but he wasn’t budging.
Suddenly, Invidia joined the fray. She zipped up beside us, grabbed onto the chain, and heaved. Then Todd’s weakened figure landed next to her, and he pulled with all his might.
Duglot again was lifted off the ground, but only for a moment before he collapsed back down to the ground.
“Let me help with that!” Eligor called up from the ground as she flipped backward and sheathed her swords. “I hope you don’t mind getting wet. I know I don’t.”
The Knight of Hell called forth lime-green Hellfire into her hands and then closed her eyes. Her body floated weightlessly up into the air as the light on her hands became more and more intense by the second, and the boat began to rock violently.
“Uh, Goldilocks?” Todd gasped. “Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.”
Eligor opened her eyes and then clapped her hands together. As she did so, the dozens of tiny windows on each side of the yacht shattered, and gallons upon gallons of seawater came crashing in. All of the streams met in front of the blonde knight before they mixed together and formed a giant, watery tendril.
Then she heaved her arms forward and sent the blast hurling at Duglot.
The waves caught him at his waist, knocked him off his legs, and then sent him blasting up into the sky.
All four of us released our grip on the chain as we watched him comically shoot through the roof of the ballroom like a fucking cartoon character.
“Get me up there, Cupi,” I commanded my Demon Lord. “And everyone else--”
“Yeah, yeah,” Todd muttered, “we know the drill. Go spirit bomb that bitch, Jakey.”
Cupi changed her trajectory and flew us out of the ballroom via the main door. The second we were outside, she zipped up into the sky and followed Eligor’s geyser.
The cool ocean air whipped against my face as we shot up into the clouds. Finally, we arrived at our destination, about two-thousand feet above the yacht below.
The rocky figure of Duglot was tossed and turned helplessly at the tip of the wave, and he was shouting every expletive he possibly could as he tried to right himself.
I summoned a platform of purple just below our position, and Cupi lowered me down onto it.
Then the succubus evacuated the scene quickly.
I hadn’t used the God Bomb since they had all been “leveled up” into Demon Lords, and I had no idea what kind of effects it was going to have.
Other than evaporating this son of a bitch, of course.
I closed my eyes as I tried to feel the energy of my friends. My body tingled with a dull, comforting warmth, and I could feel the energy begin to surge within me as their images flitted through my head.
“W-w-wait!” Duglot pleaded through mouthfuls of briny water. “I-I’ll pppledge my a-allegiance to--
“I don’t want your fucking allegiance,” I growled as I opened my eyes and saw I was completely surrounded by Divine Light. “I want you and your boss dead.”
Duglot tried to protest again, but I was done talking.
I let out a roar of determination as I pushed my hands forward and unloaded all of the Divine Light directly at the fucker.
He opened his mouth to scream, but his body was quickly overtaken by the pure-white energy and evaporated in an instant. When I finally released my attack, there was nothing left of Duglot.
I stared into the steam coming off the water tendril for a moment before I let out a deep sigh. Then I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, surrounded my entire body with its emerald glow, and used my power to lift myself back up into the air.
The first time I’d done this, all the way back in Las Vegas, it had taken every ounce of concentration I possessed to keep myself afloat. Now, it was like second nature. Even if I couldn’t fly like my succubi or Todd, I could at least glide in style.
It took me a few solid minutes to lower myself all the way back onto the deck of the yacht, but I didn’t mind. All around me was the beautiful ocean landscape, complete with crystal-clear blue water and a sky as clear as glass. As much as I loved being a Demon King, you didn’t get these sorts of gorgeous sights down there.
When I finally landed on the deck, Libidine was floating ominously above the crowd of passengers, her eyes aglow with purple Hellfire.
“There was a terrible accident down in the ballroom,” she explained to all of the people under her control. “We hit rocky waters, and the motions of the boat caused the chandelier to come loose, fall off, and crush one of the passengers. It also hit one of the boilers and caused an explosion that blew the roof off. There were no people with magical powers. There were no horned or winged demons, and there was no fight that occurred on this yacht. If you have any pictures or video of this accident, you are going to delete it immediately.”
“And, uh,” Todd spoke up, “you’re gonna let Todd Masterson eat all the shrimp in the buffet.”
Libidine tilted her head inquisitively, but then repeated the imp’s words.
“You will let Todd Masterson, the man who looks like Shaggy, eat all of the shrimp on the buffet,” she added with a sigh.
“Score!” Todd snickered as he pumped his fist and turned to me. “That shit’s totally out of season, bro. Firecracker’s gonna love me! Now, I just need to figure out how to carry it all back … ”
The imp rapped on his chin for a moment, and then inspiration seemed to strike. He reached up, yanked the condoms off his horns, and then fluffed them out like a plastic bag. Todd grinned widely as he slowly transformed back into his human disguise, and then he waddled over toward the buffet line excitedly.
“I don’t think Gula will want to serve shrimp covered in spermicide,” Cupi chuckled as she w
atched him go.
“Just a little extra flavor,” I joked. “We can use all the spermicide we can get in the Fourth Circle. Especially now that it looks like we might have a few more members joining the fray.”
“The interviews!” Cupi slapped her head as she remembered. “I almost forgot. How are they going?”
“We’ve narrowed it down to about fifty succubi,” I explained as we watched Libidine finish up her speech, “but we have to narrow it down even more. Superbia told me I only have enough, uh, ‘energy’ left over to create five more Demon Lords. At least for now.”
“I’d say it was energy well spent,” Cupi giggled as she slapped me playfully on the shoulder.
My pants tightened around my erection as I remembered the amazing night when I’d turned my succubi into Demon Lords. They all required my bodily fluids to finish the ceremony, and I made sure each and every one of them got it. Multiple times, in some cases.
Libidine floated down onto the deck, retracted her wings, and then walked over to the rest of us.
“There,” she announced. “The humans on this ship will be none the wiser. They’ll think there was a horrible accident, turn the boat around, and we will be back on land shortly.”
“That’s a shame,” I sighed, “I was kinda enjoying myself out here.”
“Us too,” Eligor agreed as she walked up and put her arm around my shoulder, “but don’t worry, Jacob. It took us a few hours to get all the way out here in the middle of the ocean. By my calculations, that means we still have a few more hours to enjoy ourselves before we dock.”
“I like the sound of that,” I chuckled and then nodded to a few empty lounge chairs at the edge of the yacht.
The girls and I walked over to the chairs, sat down on them, and then leaned back as we stared up into the sky. We sat there uninterrupted for a long while as the rest of the human passengers panicked and frantically tried to figure out what the fuck had just gone down. Then I heard the sound of somebody sloppily eating, and I opened up one eye to see what was going on.
Todd was chilling in the seat beside me, his legs crossed nonchalantly as he tossed a few shrimps into his human mouth. He had both condoms completely filled with the crustaceans, and one of them was tied up and slung over his back like a knapsack. The other one hung firmly in his left hand and appeared to be the source of his little snack.