by Indiana Wake
Chapter 9
Breakfast was another success. The conversation went all around the table and included Edson. Was he looking more alive? She hoped so, hoped that his children would help him and maybe make life much better for all of them. After breakfast, Edson left the room. Amanda expected him to go back to the family room, but instead he headed out the front door, picking up his Stetson on the way out. Part of her wanted to go see what he was doing, but she had more important tasks. Quickly she took a washcloth and checked all the children’s faces and hands were clean and sticky free. Then they all stood looking up at her with expectation in their eyes.
This was what she had hoped for. They had gathered around Amanda to see what activity she would do with them today. Amanda looked at their eager faces and said, "I know what we will do today."
"What, what?" cried the children.
"Well, this afternoon I will teach you all how to ride a horse," Amanda said.
The children began whooping and jumping for joy.
"But," continued Amanda, "This morning we shall first learn how to read. Jenny will improve on her reading and vocabulary. Jake, you must learn and Jeremiah you want to be able to read too, don't you?"
"Yeah," Jeremiah replied.
"We say yes, darling, whenever we answer, ok."
"Yes," all three of them chorused.
Amanda beamed at them. "You are all going to be excellent students." With that, she led them to a quiet room behind the kitchen where she had set up big alphabet cards for Jeremiah, Rhyming three letter words for Jake and an easy children’s book for Jenny.
Amanda spent the morning helping them. Jenny was easy, she taught her how to sound out the word if she got stuck and told her to come to her with any problems. Then she took the two boys and started on the cards with Jeremiah. Jake watched and helped his brother. It was fun to see how exciting the two boys found it and soon Jeremiah was sounding out his letters.
Then she spent some time with Jake. He was a quick boy, eager to learn and had a cheeky, fun personality that could always make her smile.
The morning flew by. Jenny read out a passage to all of them and Jeremiah looked at her with such awe that she blushed a lovely crimson.
Then she got Jake to read out some words. “Antelope,” he said and putting his hands on his head like antlers he hopped around the room. “Bee,” he said and then he buzzed around the room. “Cat,” was next and he meowed and clawed with his fingers.
Then it was Jeremiah’s turn. “A, B, C” he recited and was so proud that he started to giggle. It was at that point that Amanda spotted Edson in the doorway. There was a strange look in his eye. It was wistful, not exactly sad but reminiscent of good times.
“What are we doing here?" he asked.
The children jumped up and ran to hug their father. "Miss Amanda is teaching us to read, Daddy. And then after we have lunch, she is going to teach us to ride." Jake said to their father.
Edson looked toward Amanda and smiled. "Is that so? Well, I'd very much like to teach you how to ride too. Is there any way I can join you?"
Amanda smiled back and felt her heart flutter at the twinkle in his eyes. "I think that's a splendid idea,” she said. “Would you like that, children?"
"Yes," shouted the children. "Then let's get you all fed so we can go riding," and with that she guided the children through to lunch.
***
After lunch, they headed out to the stables. Amanda noticed it looked different. The barn door had been fixed and some of the weeds were gone. For some reason, it made her feel good but she did not know why.
Edson led them to the barn where a ranch hand worked. It was John who had fetched them from the station. He nodded with respect as they passed.
“Down here,” Edson said and he led them to the end of the barn where two ponies were stabled. “This is Dapple,” he said opening the stall to a handsome dappled gray pony. It had sweet eyes and a thick white forelock. It made the pony appear to be looking out a frost covered hedge and gave him a charming air. The children all let out sighs of delight.
Edson gave Jake a brush and told him how to brush the ponies coat before they saddled him up.
“Jenny,” he said and led her next door. A fine sorrel pony stood there. It had one, light blue or walleye. “This is Trigger,” Edson said. “He can be yours if you want him.”
Jenny smiled and tears formed in her eyes. “He’s so beautiful,” she said as she stroked his neck and brushed his coat.
Soon the two ponies were ready and they led them out to the corral. They left Jenny with Trigger. Edson lifted the boys onto Dapple while Amanda held his head.
Gently they led them around with Amanda leading and Edson balancing the boys. It was such a perfect moment and Amanda felt her own eyes filling with tears. This was what it was like to have a real family and she knew she wanted it for herself. But she wanted love too. Wanted a man to look at her the way the children had looked at the ponies. It made the riding bittersweet. She believed she could settle for less. That she could endure a loveless marriage to keep her sisters safe and she knew if it came to that she would. But it would be difficult to live with this man knowing his heart pined for another. Who would have known that he would be so attractive and who could have known that she would fall for him? Could she settle for that?
Then it was Jenny’s turn. Edson helped her up and balanced her while Amanda led. The smile on her face was wonderful to see. Amanda couldn’t decide if it was the ponies or the interaction with her father that flushed her cheeks and smoothed out the lines of anguish. It did not matter either way it warmed her heart. It also made her realize that they would not need her here for long. Edson was healing and soon he would be able to give these children all the love they needed. It both delighted and scared her all in one go.
Soon the children were riding on their own. Edson and Amanda stood close by rushing forward if someone slipped, but there were no accidents and the air was filled with delighted laughter. After an hour or so of riding the ponies, Edson pulled them to a stop.
“Who would like a picnic?” he asked.
“Me,” Jake shouted instantly and then he almost jumped off Dapple into his father’s arms.
Edson caught him with a strange look on his face. It was part awe, part fear and it warmed Amanda’s heart.
Everyone agreed that a picnic would be the perfect end to the day.
Edson walked them to a field near the house, with a little creek running through it and the shade of a big old tree. The ponies grazed on the lush grass and Edson ran around playing with his children.
Amanda watched for a moment and then went inside and packed a picnic basket and brought out a cloth. She spread it out under the shady branches of the tree. The children came running up. First was Jake he dived onto the blanket and sat waiting for food. Amanda handed out sandwiches and soon everyone was munching contentedly.
“Can we go play?” Jake asked once he was finished.
Edson nodded and Amanda expected him to run after them. Instead, he remained seated next to her.
Having him so close made it hard to breathe, and was doing strange things to her. There was a jittery feeling in her stomach and the side nearest to him was tingling. Trying to ignore these feelings and the heat she could feel in her cheeks she turned to watch the children. It felt good to see them so happy.
Edson found himself watching this amazing woman and found he liked the way she looked at his children with such love. He felt his heart melting at this beautiful vision. In such a short time, she had wrapped the children around her little finger and had put him in his place as well. Only now did he realize how ignorant he had been and how neglectful he had been to his children. Amanda was a good influence on them all and he knew they needed her to stay. A female presence in their home had made such a huge difference to everyone, including him.
Chapter 10
"Do you like it here, Miss Amanda?" Edson asked.
She turned to
him, surprised that he had addressed her directly. There was a look in her eyes that made his stomach churn and it was not entirely unpleasant. Beneath his steady gaze color spread across her cheeks.
"Yes, it is a nice home you have,” she said at last. “The children are absolutely adorable."
"Have you thought any more about my offer and terms of marriage?"
Amanda let out a big sigh and more color flooded her face. It made her ears almost glow. She dropped her head and seemed to stare at her skirt. It was only then that he realized how threadbare and worn the sister’s clothes were. How could he have been so neglectful and he decided there and then to send Mrs. Tisdale to town for material and new dresses.
"I am still pondering on it,” Amanda said. “I had hoped for… I will probably need a few more days before I make my decision if that is all right with you?"
Edson had not expected that and he found a seed of panic starting deep inside of him. Quickly he tried to quash it down but very few people had ever refused him and he expected she would love it here. After all she loved the children and he had been kind, so what was it she wanted? “Take as much time as you need,” he said. “If there is anything I can offer to make the arrangements more attractive then you only need to ask. Just don't get the children too used to you if you are to decide my proposal isn't enough for your needs."
Amanda’s eyes widened at that point.
“I think it would be hard for them to see you go,” he said. “It would be like losing their Mother all over again and I do not think that would be fair.”
Amanda just nodded and looked back at the children, playing on the sweet grass. After a few minutes of silence, once again Edson tried to make conversation with her. "If you don't mind my asking, why had you not married before now?"
Amanda looked at him with raised eyebrows but decided to answer this personal question. "We lived with our Aunt and Uncle ever since my father died. They weren't the nicest of people so I thought I'd delay marrying for a while and make sure that my sisters were looked after. As time went on… As you can see, because of my weight and looks I'm not the most desirable of women and my delaying just made it more difficult to find a suitable groom. When my Aunt and Uncle sent us here, I thought it would be a chance to find happiness, to have a family of my own."
"Do not run yourself down, you are a most attractive woman,” Edson said feeling heat spread up his own neck. “But… your Aunt and Uncle are mighty greedy, I can tell you that much. They collected a handsome sum from me in order to send you here. I'm sorry though that your life hasn't been as easy as one would hope. But that could change. These children could be your family one day if you so chose."
Again Amanda just nodded. She felt sick at the thought that she had been sold to this man as one would sell livestock. Now, even if she didn't want to marry him, she would feel obliged to.
Edson did not know what to do. Already the thought of Amanda leaving them left the cold dark place inside him just a little more empty. Had he grown attached to her? Maybe it was just that he had seen how much joy she brought to the house and maybe he wanted that for his children. The urge to talk grew strong in him and without thinking he blurted out, "My wife died in childbirth."
Amanda raised her head and looked at him with an expression of such sympathy that he felt tears prickling at the back of his eyes.
"My wife and I were madly in love when we got married and more so as the years flew by. Sarah Jane was a beautiful, delicate flower and she looked after me in such a way that I wanted for nothing. Often I would be away on the ranch for days on end, but always I couldn’t wait to come back to Sarah’s sweet smile and loving arms. When she told me the first time that she was with child, I couldn't contain my happiness. Then little Jake came next and we had a perfect family. We were happy; we spent days together enjoying each other's company. Then she was once more with child, only it wasn't the same as the other times. She grew ill and weak. I brought in doctors from everywhere I could think of.” Edson stopped speaking and lowered his head. He could feel the tears were close and did not want to give into them again. A hand touched his shoulder and the comfort it gave made him feel strong enough to continue.
“No one could tell me what was wrong with her,” he said. “I watched her deteriorate little by little every day and I was helpless to do anything. The time came for Jeremiah to be born and it seemed that she had no strength at all. She expended what little energy she had left and when Jeremiah came into this world, she left me forever.” A sob escaped him and he stopped for a moment.
Amanda sat quietly, her hand on his shoulder. This was like a wound. It had to be lanced if he was ever to heal.
"I know it isn't fair to the children the way I withdrew,” he said and this time he looked up.
The moisture made his blue eyes shine like precious gems and Amanda wanted to pull him to her. To hold him close and tell him all was well and that his healing could begin. But she didn’t move.
“It wasn't ever my intention to treat them so badly, but I could not handle the loss and they reminded me so much of Sarah. So I secluded myself. I lived in my misery and sorrow, felt sorry for myself and wondered what I had done to deserve this. Last night, when I heard the children asking God to make their father love them, I realized what I had done. I had lost my wife, but they had lost a mother and with me secluding myself away the way I did… they were without a father too. You opened my eyes to what a miserable life we were leading and for that I cannot thank you enough."
"I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing our mother and father was bad enough, but I can't imagine what losing someone in such circumstances must be like. What you did was grieve, it was a natural process you went through and you needn't thank me for anything. I haven't done much at all."
Edson looked deep into her eyes. "You have done more than you can ever imagine. I want to show my gratitude. Is there anything you need, material, clothes, anything for you and your sisters… If there is anything I can do to make you stay, then just ask for it and I will do it. I would give you the moon for how much you have done for us. I just don't know an adequate way to show my gratitude."
Blushing Amanda felt her heart thunder in her chest. Was there hope for him, could he heal enough to love again? As soon as she had the thought she remembered the picture hung in the dining room. His wife had been small and elegant, the exact opposite of her. She turned her head to hide the sadness in her eyes. This man could have been her dream, but it was not to be.
She called the children and told them it was time to head in and get washed up. Edson stood and reached a hand out to help her up. Blushing again, she took his hand and felt a tingle all the way up her arm and into her heart at the contact. The minute she was up she let go, it was wrong to dream, wrong to build up her hopes for Edson was not meant for her. Quickly she ushered the children inside and didn't look back at Edson.
Edson stood and watched Amanda hustle the children away. What had he done? As she disappeared inside his eyes turned away from the house. He found them wandering to a small plot up on a hill. A shady oak tree spread its branches above a solitary cross. Edson walked over and sat down on the ground. The earth was bare here, the grass worn away from countless other visits.
“I have missed you so much my dearest Sarah,” he said. “Now I need your advice.” He spent the next hour talking and explaining what had happened, all the time listening to the wind as it whispered in the tree above him. At last he prayed and with a tear in his eyes he walked back to the house. Maybe it was time to live in the present. To give his children what they needed. Maybe it was time to move on.
Chapter 11
The next few days Amanda did her best to avoid Edson. She took her meals in the family room with him and the children. But all the time she kept her eyes on the children and did her best to avoid any conversation.
Her sisters had not noticed. In fact, they were so happy. Edson had sent them to town with Mrs. Tisdale and they had all bought n
ew dresses and material. Cassie and Sabrina spent many a happy hour sewing new clothes. They were more relaxed and rested and for that Amanda was grateful. But what of the future? At night, she lay awake wondering if she could stay here. If she could be Edson’s wife and not have his love? It tore at her heart for he was a most wonderful man. Grateful, intelligent and handsome and the more she tried not to, the more she thought about him.
It had got to the point when even catching his eye set her heart racing and a flush to her skin. She tingled whenever he was near and she yearned for him when he was gone. But it did not make her happy in fact quite the opposite and the more she fell for him, the more she tried to avoid him.
She spent each day in the same manner. Mornings were for lessons. She taught English, arithmetic, history and Geography. The children were a joy and seemed to look forward to their lessons. Jenny and Jake would help little Jeremiah and they filled her mornings with so many smiles some days her face ached.
They were quick to learn, their manners improved and often she would see Edson smiling at them with pride. He no longer kept them at arm’s length and Amanda knew that they no longer needed her, and wondered if she should talk to Edson about it. Maybe she could become their governess instead of his wife? Perhaps that way she could look for a husband in the nearby town? All these thoughts went through her head as she continued with the lessons. Most days Edson looked in on them at some point, even though he was spending more time on the ranch. Yet he had not come in this morning and she wondered where he was.
Lessons were over and the children chatted excitedly as they washed their hands and sat down for lunch. Her sisters were already there, but Edson wasn’t. For a second, she felt sad. Was he avoiding her? It did not matter; of course, he could do as he pleased. “Let us say, Grace,” Amanda said pulling her thoughts away from him and back to the room. A smile crossed her face as everyone bowed their heads, the children included.