Pete and Sarah's Guide to Seasonal Sex

by Peter Birch

  Says flatulence fan Gagger, ‘My girlfriend and I had just been for a curry. I could see the crease in her jeans, which faithfully followed the curves of her shapely buttocks, and hesitatingly I leant forward to sniff her bum. “I’m going to fart,” she giggled. And to her amusement I pressed my nose to her jeans. I felt the vibration of the fart through her jeans. The smell was heaven: a mixture of meat and cauliflower – sweet, yet

  powerful. She put it down to me being a smutty boy and I was very grateful that she let me smell her gassy hole.’

  Farting Domme Mistress Eris has a huge following of men who like to smell her guffs. ‘I put fart in plastic bags and put it over their heads or fart on their food and make them eat it. I’ve also put a tube in my butt and put the other end in the guy’s mouth!’ she laughs.

  For a fragrant farting fix take a look at www.fartfantasy.net. I’m off for some beans…

  Up Close And Very Personal With Buck Angel

  The trans porn star, educator and advocate has taken time off from having Christmas trees shoved up his fanny, to spread the gift of self acceptance on our seasonal guide

  Who are you?

  I am a pioneering filmmaker, educator, advocate, and speaker. I am a female-to-male transsexual (FTM) who is known in some circles as “The Man with a Vagina.” I have spoken at IdeaCity 2010, Yale University, and have appeared on many television and radio shows throughout the world. I think my adult film work has helped many people who have struggled with body issues or issues of self hate to come to terms with this through my work.

  Where you born a boy, a girl or an inbetweeny?

  I was born female, though my parents pretty much raised me like a tomboy. So in a way I was always a boy.

  What is gender dysphoria and what did you do to overcome it?

  It happens where your outside appearance does not match your inside feelings. It is very common – the more it is discussed, the more I see more people believing that they have this in some form or fashion. I lived many years feeling out of place after my body started to change. When I was a kid it was fine, I looked like a little boy. But when puberty hit and breasts grew, well that was kind of a turning point in hating myself. So it just got worse from there. Until my late twenties, I finally rallied that I could have a sex change. It was like being reborn.

  Would you like your own willy?

  No way, I love my fanny! It has opened more doors than a willy could ever. I do not have to worry about getting hard or performance problems. Not to say that a willy isn’t nice. But I am so OK with who I am that there is no need to even think about that kind of surgery now. In fact, if I did that it would be for other people to feel more secure with me being male. So fuck that. I am a man no matter what anyone says.

  How do potential conquests react when they see your fanny?

  In the beginning people wanted to kill me, and I really mean that literally. I must have really pushed some buttons there. But now people act differently. Maybe this is because I am better known, or it could be that people now realise that gender and sexuality are just black and white.

  Do you tell them before or do you enjoy their surprise?

  Oh no I would NEVER surprise anyone with that. I think that is very rude and disrespectful. You should always disclose these things about yourself. It is not ok to bring someone home when they do not have a clue. Many trans people get hurt this way and they could have fully avoided this by just telling the truth. Have some respect for yourself. If they don’t want to have sex with you after you tell them, then you are better off not being with them anyway.

  You were nominated for an Adult Video Network award. What was so outrageous about your sex scene?

  Yes I won Transsexual Performer of the Year in 2007. I am still the only FTM transsexual to ever win that award. The sex scene that was nominated was the one I did with transwoman Allanah Starr. It was the first FTM and MTF sex scene in the adult industry.

  Any sexy tips for warming up a cold relationship?

  Yes: more sex! People need to have more sex in a relationship. If you are not then your relationship will sour. Try using some fun toys or doing things you never thought of doing before, like watching some hot porn films. Maybe even bring in another person to play with. There are many things you can do if you want to.

  Do you work out?

  I am a workout king! I even have my own workout site www.buckangelbodybuilding.com. It is a huge passion of mine. I like having a nice body and feeling good, plus it is a huge turn on for me to see bodies that are in shape. I have been really trying to teach FTM’s more about health and fitness as it is an important part of the change.

  What can you bench press?

  I get that question all the time. I don’t do that. I do many different kinds of workouts and now I am sort of concentrating on a more P90X style.

  Any tips for readers who may be considering a sex change?

  Do the research, get a good therapist and doctor. Make sure it is what you want.

  I have a new sex educational series of films called Sexing the Transman XXX. I am really excited to be able to finally bring more FTM guys into the adult world. My goal is to have sex education instructors use this as a teaching tool and also to make the FTM porn more of a genre. You can see and read more about the film at http://sexingthetransman.com.

  How will you be celebrating new years?

  I hope to be at home in Mexico with my family and seven dogs. I travel like crazy for the year so I like to take some time off during December.

  Any naughty new year’s resolutions?

  I am naughty all year around.

  For more from our favourite fallen angel, click on http://buckangel.com

  Down To Business

  Fancy some pro bone-o at the Xmas party? First read Sarah Berry’s pervy guide to working your office affairs

  Yes it’s office party season: that time when big cheeses across the western world put their plastic behind the bar, don a funny hat and eat M&S party food. Thus ensues a depraved orgy of photocopying body bits, shagging the IT boy in the stationary cupboard and much, much more.

  Don’t get me wrong. I love the illicitness of office affairs, and when it’s good it’s very good. In my time I’ve been spread eagled on the boardroom table, licked out in the loos and administered many an under-the-desk blow jobs. When it’s good it can be effing hot, a power trip and a great way to ensure your computer will always have the latest software updates.

  But, when it’s bad... I’ve also sat round that same boardroom table, fighting back the tears after my erstwhile conquest moved on to another bit of skirt. All too often office affairs end in tears, terminated contracts and tension. Here’s how to get the most out of office relations.

  Assess the risks

  So Mick from Human resources wants to indulge in some illicit team bonding, what do you do? Well our first instinct is usually to go for it. And of course office flings can be amazing, spontaneous, dirty fun, as conference producer and office lothario Neal Cassidy will attest: “One fling was very fun. I got a real adrenaline rush, putting my hands down her panties in the lift, having my cock sucked in the boardroom as I leaned against the door in case anyone tried coming in, and fucking her in the toilets after which she gave me her panties to keep in my pocket. If you’re young and not in a serious relationship, then get it while the getting’s good I say!”

  But once the flush of the affair has died down, there are consequences. Says business consultant and office affair guru Sarah H, “I think office nookie is like adultery: hard to advise against. Instead, imagine every possible consequence of doing this and, if you can live with them, then do what you’ve gotta do.”

  Sadly she speaks from experience: “My most memorable office affair was with a very senior manager at the office I worked at. That got a little weird as it wasn’
t common knowledge he had left his wife. So when folks found out (and they always do) I was branded a marriage breaker and that was unpleasant. Also the man had a chair fetish and that was just down right uncomfortable!”

  Before you fall head over heels in the stationary cupboard, it’s worth mulling over if you have any romantic feelings for your colleague, or vice versa. Find out if they single? Check fingers for wedding rings and desks for kiddie photos. If they are a family person, then you need to accept that this is just for kicks and you could well meet their spouse at office functions. And even if they are available, remember that doesn’t mean they’ll fall in love with you. They may hate their job and need an outlet for their frustrations or maybe they think that getting down to business will be good for business. Arming yourself with this knowledge can help stave off daydreams of trips to IKEA, mini breaks and wedding vows.

  Power pointers

  Choosing someone who ranks above or below you is bound to cause problems. Of course sleeping with the powerful, impressive boss may get you a leg up as well as a leg over, while those under you may be willing to do pretty much anything in order to sniff your gusset. But the downside can be jealousy between the two of you and suspicions over any praise, pay rises or promotions from those suspecting your shenanigans.

  “My instinct is always higher, but then I’m attracted by powerful men,” says Sarah H. “But never, ever, sleep with your boss. If you are tempted, look around at all the other colleagues he has slept with (don’t kid yourself you’re the first) and look how their careers are doing these days. If you can’t see any, it’s because they have all been transferred to the Skegness field office! If you like power, go for his/her boss, or go for an equivalent level from a different department.”

  Neal likes to keep things on the level: “All my experiences were with people on the same position or from different departments – it was much simpler that way.”

  Getting “into bed” together

  So you’ve weighed up the pros and cons, you have your colleague in your sights and your best pulling pants on. You need to make a pass that could either result in being bent over their desk or won’t harm your reputation if you’re knocked back.

  “My boss drunkenly dragging me to a meeting room and declaring ‘God I want to fuck you’ netted him hysterical laughter,” remembers Sarah H. ”Riding up in an elevator with my intended victim behind me, lifting my skirt an inch and oh so casually asking ‘are my seams straight?’ as I step off has never failed me!”

  It’s important to choose your moment. During overtime, company holidays or the Christmas party are prime times to net your target. Says Neal, “A girl from work had been given the Sales Directors’ house keys after she babysat for her kids. So we had a small party there when they were on holiday and ended up fucking in their bedroom, Jacuzzi... it was a nice “fuck you” to the boss!”

  Check how the land lies

  Of course one of the big draws of office sex is the thrill of being caught. But actually being caught is not so fun. “One girl got called to a management meeting five minutes after swallowing my load after, one lunchtime,” says Neal. “She confessed she was terrified in case there was any ‘evidence’ on her clothes or face as she hadn’t had time to check, which was pretty funny. I was never caught, although some people knew about the fling as they’d seen us having a drink one night and put two and two together.”

  Before getting it on in the IT room, do make sure you’ve checked the area for security cameras and back doors. Mid fumble, do keep an ear out for footsteps. And when you’re spent, make sure you survey the scene for used Johnnies, snail trails, underwear, bottles, butt plugs and anything else you may have pleasured with. Mints and deodorant and also good for masking traces of body fluid or perfume.

  Moving forward

  You used to hate going in to work, but with your affair in full bloom, you’ve a permanent smile on your face your sexiest officeware on your bod. You’re trailing your amour around like a lost puppy and you’re dying to confirm those suspicions whispers by the water cooler that you’re getting it on with the office totty. But however great the sex is, drawing attention to your pervy fun is likely to bring the affair to an end faster than you can spend your Xmas bonus.

  Remember, your career is likely to last a lot longer than your affair. Be subtle, don’t let your work slip and ration yourself to only checking email every half an hour. Says Sarah H: “Maintain your sense of humour and your perspective and be discreet. What seems sexy and dangerous in the heat of the moment usually looks tacky and sad when posted all over Facebook.”

  And when you’re still basking in that fluffy, after sex glow, remember it’s far too easy to click “reply all”. Next thing you know, every one of your associates, including the office in India, has an email declaring that your sales manager’s jizz is dripping down your leg.

  At the end of the day...

  All good things come to an end. If you’ve decided to end the affair, make sure you tell them rather than just ignoring their advance – you don’t want to be branded the office bitch nor do you want to cause unnecessary tension. Using the sandwich technique has proven affective in these situations. This involves sandwiching negative feedback between positive comments. So you could say: “You are a great guy, this affair is harming my work so I want it to end, I like your hair...”

  If you are the one being dumped, don’t give them evils when they’re talking to hot colleagues, don’t diss their work out of hand and, whatever you do, don’t cry at your computer: your colleagues will remember your emotional outburst long after you’ve pulled up your socks up and moved on. If you really need to vent, tell one person that you trust over lunch.

  The upside is, while office affairs can be a huge distraction, there’s never been a better excuse than heartache to throw yourself back into your job. And, provided it isn’t your boss that’s caused you distress, this renewed dedication has been known to end in promotion.

  If you do have to work closely with your dumpee, even if your heart is threatening to burst out of your chest, explain that you will be polite, professional and vent your frustrations at the gym at work. Oh and signing them up to every dating site, erectile dysfunction, willy expansion and loan shark website you can find is very childish, but also very, very satisfying.

  A Girlie Chat With Dita Von Teese

  The ice queen brings a touch of class to our dirty guide

  How did you become the Queen of Burlesque?

  Well, it’s a long, long story that happened over the course of 20 years since I first started dabbling in the arts of striptease...dues have been paid, I can tell you that much!

  What would you most like for Xmas?

  Something sentimental, like a love letter and a piece of vintage jewellery, it doesn’t need to be expensive. I collect vintage charms for my charm bracelet, and there are lots of sweet romantic ones.

  What are your favourite ways to keep warm?

  A wood burning fire in a castle is probably my favourite way.

  Mulled wine or spiced cider?

  Mulled wine.

  Who would you most like to kiss under the mistletoe?

  Whoever the current object of my desire happens to be at the time.

  What makes you smile?

  My pretty female fans of all ages, all dressed up in their high heels and red lipstick.

  Tell us your hottest party outfit.

  I love extravagance....I love to be overdressed for everything. Borrowed haute-couture is always a good way to be opulent and overdone.

  What’s been your most memorable career moment?

  Being the first guest star in the history of the Crazy Horse Paris.

  Describe your ideal new years’ Party?

  A house party with close friends, and no cameras, with a spectacular new years kiss line
d up.

  Any new years’ resolutions?

  I spend all year making resolutions....goals, rather, so I never make special new years ones.

  Photos Courtesy of www.dita.net / Photographer Sean McCall

  New Years’ Revel-ations

  Forget losing weight, learning to knit or reading War & Peace. This year why not make some new years’ revel-ations: naughty things you want to try next year. Here’s some ideas to get you started...

  Do a sexy strip

  Do you only make whoopee with the lights out? Well get over your fear of your flesh by channelling your inner Dita or Chippendale. All you need is some raunchy music, some sexy underwear, a dose of confidence and some Dutch courage. Wiggle anything that’s curvy, wink and lip your lips. For more moves, type stripper into YouTube and copy anyone you like. Your lucky audience will be drooling.

  Enhance your bits

  If you’ve got a bush, then shave it into a fun shape, or even shave it off completely. If you’re already bare, why not have a vajazzle or a pejazzel (where body crystal are stuck to your pubic mound) If you’re feeling really adventurous, you could go for a piercing or a tattoo – though we recommend keeping away from lovers’ names, arrows pointing down or anything cutesy.