Pete and Sarah's Guide to Seasonal Sex

by Peter Birch

  ...or immortalise them

  Get a mirror and draw your bits. It’s a great exercise to get to know your nethers and the picture can make an amazing Valentines’ present for someone else. Or, for the ultimate table decoration, try sculpting them out clay. Word of warning for anyone trying to mount your object d’art: to avoid getting crumbs in your crannies, use a condom. UK ladies might like to check out Private Pictures, Sarah’s fanny-drawing art class www.fanniesrule.com/private-pictures.html.

  Push those prostates

  The female prostate or G spot lies about two inches inside the front wall of the fanny and feels like a raisin while the male prostate is few inches up the bum on the belly side and feels like a pea. Both can deliver intense pleasure though sadly, in many people both remain untapped. Men can fear they are gay if they finger their botty while women don’t poke around enough for fear of the unknown. Well this year we highly recommend that you get to know your body. As you gently massage your prostate, you may feel you need to wee, but work through this and you’ll be jizzing (men) and squirting (women) like a porn star.

  Have sex outdoors

  There’s nothing like getting at one with nature by banging in the woods – but be careful, getting caught could get you banged up. So you need to be quick and discreet. Long skirts, long grass and a long way from any children’s play parks are good ideas. And pretty please, don’t leave your condoms lying around.

  Experiment with Tantra

  This hippy dippy take on lovemaking is not just for pop stars who boast about sixty-hour love sessions (that was Sting who later confessed that his marathon tantra-thons included ordering Pizza). Tantra is about channelling your sexual energy and deepening your sexual relationship with your partner. Start with this simple breathing exercise: One of you sit cross legged on the floor, the other straddles their lap so you’re sitting face to face. Look into each others’ eyes and synch your breathing, for around 10 minutes. It’s a good idea to brush your teeth first!

  Dabble in S/M

  You don’t have to be a seven-foot, latex clad dominatrix with a toolkit full of torture to indulge in Sadomasochism. This oft misunderstood pleasurefest is about exploring different dynamics, sensations and personas. Having a spanking or a nipple tweak can be very intense, especially when those endorphins start going. Before you start agree a safeword that can stop play when it gets intense. Do make sure you warm up the area you are playing with first, with stokes and gentle flicks and kisses. For the ultimate S/M high, do pepper your pain giving with licks, kisses and strokes – they don’t call it slap ‘n’ tickle for nothing!

  Try roleplaying

  Pretending to be someone else is a great way of stepping out of your comfort zone and trying things that you might not normally ask for. Traditional roles like secretary and boss, nurse and patient, pupil and teacher, vicar and sinner have a lot of sexy mileage in them. If you find you’re prone to nerves, write a script – but don’t worry if you don’t stick to it, it’s all about fun. If you can’t think of anything, copy your favourite sexy scene from a movie or porno.

  Go to a fetish club

  Fetish clubs are friendly places filled with kinksters who love giving advice to newbies. You don’t have to indulge in BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadomasochism), you can chat, switch tips with scene veterans and watch others play – many clubs even have a viewing gallery! Great places in the UK include www.clubsubversion.com in London and www.clublash.com in Manchester.

  Pull a stranger

  Having sex with someone without even knowing their surname can be a gigantic thrill. You have no history together, you can try your wildest fantasies without fear of that morning-after moral reproach and if it’s crap, you don’t have to see them again. Going to swinging clubs is the ideal place to experiment with no strings sex as that’s what most of the people are looking for, there’s usually condoms and lube in easy reach and there are burly staff ready to throw out anyone who acts disrespectfully. As with the fetish clubs, you don’t have to join in. Being a voyeur is huge amounts of fun. Check out www.swingingheaven.co.uk/clubs to find a club near you.

  Have group sex

  This is at the top of most people’s wank banks, but it can be fraught with trouble. If you are in a couple or a group of friends, be honest about what you want and don’t be afraid to set boundaries before the event – whether it’s no kissing, no oral or no penetration. Playing a sexy game like truth or dare or spin the bottle can get things rolling along.

  Saucy Santas & Vintage Vamps

  Let’s start from the bottom. No, not that sort of bottom, I mean her feet. She’s wearing lipstick red high heels, as smart and shiny as fresh paint. Moving up a little, her stockings are white, enhancing her long, shapely legs and held up by taut suspender straps that disappear beneath her skirt. That skirt is short, so short that she only has to bend forward a tiny bit to show off the seat of her frilly white knickers. It is also scarlet and trimmed with white, as is her jacket, which is cut to show off her waist and cleavage just as the skirt is cut to show off her bottom, while the ensemble is topped off by a floppy hat, elf-style, in the same bright colour combination. She probably has bright red lipstick, and maybe she has rosy cheeks. She probably doesn’t have a long white beard and a curly moustache, although a purist might argue that she should.

  She’s in a girly Santa Suit, hardly an original image, but there’s a reason that sort of thing gets corny, and it’s because it’s also very, very cute. It’s also instantly recognisable, and deliciously saucy, guaranteeing a reaction from any potential playmate with blood in their veins. You can accessorize too, perhaps with a little whip for kinky games, or cuffs and a collar, depending on your personal taste. Or you can get the whole outfit in PVC, of leather and fur, even rubber, it that’s your thing. It doesn’t even have to be on a girl, because it’s just the thing for a pretty boy into cross-dressing or who likes to be a sissy.

  That said, most men are going to go for the more traditional Santa outfit, which is a style that I can recommend personally. You might not think it, but dressing up as Santa has an almost magical effect, and it doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, thin or fat, short or tall. All you need is the jolly bonhomie that everybody expects and you will be an instant crowd pleasers. I’m not used to random girls coming up and kissing me in the street, but when I’m dressed as Santa it’s a fairly common occurrence, and their boyfriends don’t even seem to mind, while to be Santa at a swinging party or a fetish club guarantees leaving sore but happy.

  So that’s my number one piece of advice for kinky costumes at Christmas, Santa up! Unfortunately the magic only works at the right time of year, and even in January you’re likely to get funny looks and people assuming you’ve only just come around from days or even weeks of booze induced oblivion. Not that Christmas is the only winter festival. There’s Burns Night for a start, which is an excellent excuse for tartan microskirts and kilts with nothing underneath, and Valentine’s day, when any amount of pink is acceptable, but that only really works on the right date. Otherwise, winter might seem to be a rather bleak period for dressing up for naughty purposes, especially if you’re likely to be outdoors. Too much flesh on show and you’re likely to end up shivering with cold instead of excitement.

  The classic choice has to be fur, the image of a girl or boy naked on a bearskin rug in front of a blazing fire or wrapped up against the snow in a beautiful fur coat with just a few tantalising glimpses of skin to hint at what’s beneath. For some people that represents perfection, although nowadays the conscientious kinkster uses fake fur, and it’s as much about the feel as the look, so if you haven’t tried it, give it go. Or there’s wool, and I’m not thinking about tight sweaters, although those have their own special appeal, but sheep’s fleeces, which are relatively inexpensive and just as warm and cosy and ticklish as you could possibly want. Nowadays they even
come in a range of colours, so if you fancy making love on turquoise sheepskin then your fantasy is only a click of the mouse away.

  So is just about anything else, so that nowadays you can do just about anything your imagination can conjure up, so long as you can afford it and have a suitable partner, or partners, to play with. Unfortunately those are crucial issues for almost everybody, so that the orgy of eager nymphets or bronzed musclemen held in a swimming pool of warm strawberry custard may have to wait. What you almost certainly can do is find a way to combine erotic display with warmth and comfort.

  Usually that warmth and comfort is going to come courtesy of your central heating system, but it’s still nice to get into the feel of the season. At the very least that can mean warm, rich colours; crimson, navy or deep green perhaps. And sensuous materials; silk and satin, thick cotton and heavy lace. How you actually dress is so much a matter of personal taste that I hesitate to give advice, but there is a huge range of possibilities, especially those drawn from past fashions, which can not only look good but come ready supplied with their own erotic implications, real or imagined.

  Some styles are more popular than others, while most people like look back far enough to be able to get a nice rosy haze between their imagination and the realities of the past. The ‘sixties may have swung and the ‘seventies too, but I’ve yet to come across anybody who gets off on dressing in a kaftan or bellbottom jeans, although I’m sure they’re out there. So lets start with the ‘fifties, an era with a reputation for tease and the last in which a glimpse of thigh or midriff had any real shock value. That’s important, because for many people, myself included, nudity has become so commonplace and easily accessible that it’s lost much of it’s thrill. Partial nudity or accidental display is far more exciting, retro clothing is ideal for that and ‘fifties styles are among the best. Tight sweaters, circle skirts, seamed stocking, armour-plated underwear, it’s all good for the clothing enthusiast, whether you’re the one dressing up of the one admiring the finished product.

  It’s also a smart era, arguably the last, because neither gentleman’s dress clothes nor ladies’ evening gowns, nor suits have changed much since, while everyday clothing has become increasingly casual. So if a sharp look is your thing the ‘fifties is very much the place for you, while the look also has the advantage that you can wander about in the street without getting more than the occasional curious glances, and you certainly won’t draw the attention of the police, which can be a problem for more outrageous clothing.

  Best of all, the ‘fifties are in fashion, or at least, alternative fashion, so you can find dedicated shops and market stalls to supply your needs, along with any number of internet sources. The ‘forties are harder, but not too difficult as long as you’re into uniform, which for the great majority of clothing enthusiasts if what the decade is all about. It’s also dead smart, and often a little more hardcore, because wearing uniforms tends to go with less gentle kinks and less acceptable imagery, although from my perspective everybody should be able to do as they please so long as it’s consensual.

  The ‘twenties and ‘thirties weren’t short on style, far from it, but for no very obvious reason the period is far less popular than those which came before and after, so much so that some of the most appealing styles are all but forgotten and not at all easy to get hold of. Perhaps it’s that the thrill of bare knee and shoulders for girls and sharp suits for boys has been overtaken by later styles, but for me the one real thrill of the era comes from what’s underneath. Ladies underwear was in transition from the loose, voluminous styles of the nineteenth century to the tight, figure-hugging ones we’re used to today, which made for some highly unusual and enticing styles, such as short, lacy pantaloons with a split between the legs. Now, nearly all ladies’ underwear had opened between the legs since it first came in around a hundred years before, but floor length skirts and plenty of material meant that accidents were rare, except perhaps in a full gale. The ‘twenties style made accidents far more likely, and far more revealing, which has plenty of potential for naughty games.

  Back before the First World War fashionable styles evolved every bit as fast as they do nowadays, while the changes were much more dramatic, at least among the wealthy, and for women far more than for men. An expert can separate 1885 from 1895 and 1905 at a glance, but for most people it all blends into a general style we can call Victorian and cherrypick for our erotic entertainment. For many lovers of old fashioned clothing that means corsetry, and the tiny waists and extravagant styles of the period have been extensively copied over the last few decades, and in some cases improved on. An Edwardian style S-curve corset in Steampunk style polished brass and heavy black satin anybody? It’s all out there.

  Corsets are designed to flatter the figure, and to feminise it too, while they’re the perfect garment to set off partial nudity, be it a coy, half-dressed look or deliberately saucy burlesque, and that can work for men as well as women, if that’s to your taste. Other, much rarer Victorian styles such as bustles, cages and panniers served a similar purpose, usually to enhance the bottom and hips, and they too are available as alternative fashion. Then there’s underwear other than corsetry, for me the true joy of Victorian erotic clothing. Stockings, garters, chemises, combinations, with any amount of ribbon and lace, the more the merrier, and best of all, drawers. There’s something truly glorious about full Victorian style drawers, either “splitters” with an opening between the legs, or the more refined style with a button-up panel at the back. I freely admit it’s a specialised taste, but for me no other garment quite has that ability to conceal and yet to reveal while being so deliciously naughty and secretive.

  As we go back further still, now well beyond living memory, we find ever fewer styles that spark the modern erotic imagination. The dashing uniforms of the early nineteenth century, perhaps, Roman togas maybe, but such examples are few and far between, and there doesn’t seem to be much call for doublet and hose, codpieces or hennin hats. Not that they’re unavailable, but they seem to be used largely for re-enactment instead of sex. It’s a pity, really, because some ancient styles were very fetching indeed, ancient Minoan dresses for instance, which left the wearer’s breasts supported but bare.

  So there was are, a wide array of ways to dress up warm but still keep it naughty, but even with everyday clothes it’s possibly to indulge yourself in winter. Do you like to go naked under your outer clothes? Being bare under your jeans or going without panties in a summer dress may feel nice, but it’s relatively conventional. How about a heavy overcoat and nothing at all underneath?

  Okay, for guys that may be heading in the direction of getting yourself arrested, but for a girl, in thick stockings and a jumper under your coat, you’re going to be able to walk around outdoors all day and nobody will ever know that you’re bare back and front, or if something goes wrong they may just find out, but that’s all part of the fun. Or of course it may be that you just don’t care about the cold and love nothing better than to strip naked and roll about in the snow, but I’m sure you’ll excuse me if I don’t join you.

  Winter Warmer

  A (getting) biblical tale by Sarah Berry

  Sophie pulled her the dressing gowns over her hot water bottle and sighed. Christmas was over: the presents had been opened and tired of, the brandy had been drunk and her hangover was a distant memory. Even the snow no longer felt romantic, especially since her central heating had broken down. After begging every gas company in the Yellow Pages to send someone around before she turned blue and stiff, Sophie now faced a huge bill from Heaven-Sent Heaters. She stuffed another coffee cream into her gob (all the best Quality Street had long been devoured) and prayed for the plumber to come soon.

  After she had shivered through the whole of the Corrie omnibus and half of Eastenders, the doorbell finally rang. Taking a few seconds to will the blood to flow back to her feet, Sophie made it to the door to find one of the se
xiest, most incredible men she’d actually seen. He was wielding a huge bag, wearing overalls and had a thunderous stare.

  “My what a big toolbox you have” she giggled. Then looking at his ID card, “Gabriel... is that really your name? Wow, you really are here to rescue me!” This was followed by another giggle.

  Sophie hoped her banter would lighten his mood, but now she could feel the anger resonating from him. “Lady this isn’t some porno. I’ve had to train hard to do this job, I own the company and I am fucked off having to work when everyone’s on holiday. Now pretty please, let me the fuck in, it’s freezing out here.”

  “Sure. Sorry.” Sophie stepped aside sheepishly. “Though I’m afraid it’s not much warmer in here.” He was incredibly rude, of that there was no doubt. But there was something impressive about his anger. She felt a warm flutter in her fanny – wow he was good at heating, Sophie smiled to herself.

  “Would you like some hot chocolate?” offered Sophie as Gabriel studied the boiler. “It’s really good stuff...from Harvey Nicks, my aunt is such a snob!”

  “Hurumph.”

  “I’ll... take that as a no then.” But after watching him toil away for about an hour (he really was impressive when he concentrated. That strong manly bottom really was wasted in those overalls) she decided to make some anyway. As she frothed the milk, Sophie studied her face in the shiny surface of her new milk steamer – another pressie from aunty. ‘No wonder Gabriel didn’t warm to me’, she thought. ‘I look like a dog’. She wished she had braved the cold and opened the door in a negligee with no knickers. Or at least put on some lippy and brushed her hair. But if she did so now, she figured she’d be treated to more protestations about not being in a porno. But what was so bad about porn anyway?