When You Make It Home

by Claire Ashby

  “That ass.” I balled my fist tight, slammed them onto the comforter.

  “I know.”

  “I miss him.” My throat ached, and I pushed down the burn of tears that wanted to rip free. “I want him back.”

  “Meg, he was never really here. He’s going through too much. You can’t hold onto him.” Ellie put her hand on my belly. “You have to focus on her.”

  “That ass.”

  “I know,” Ellie said.

  “What am I going to do with Nina? I don’t want to hang with her all day.”

  “Surrender. Have a girl’s day. She needs you, too, you know.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Seriously, cut her some slack,” Ellie said. “She’s troubled. I’ve never seen Nina lack direction like this.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “She looked sad, I think? Her face moved a little. She might have been frowning. Something’s not right. She misses your dad, but it’s more than that. She’s not right.”

  “I’ll figure out what’s going on. It’s going to be a long day. Promise you’ll stay in bed?”

  “Yeah, but come back later, so I can see how pretty your hair is.”

  “It’s a deal.”

  Nina prattled on about the party and then about how Steve had told her she could help out with the upcoming Brooke and Bella event. Nina was a fan; who knew? She went on and on the whole way to the salon. I tuned her out and thought about Theo’s call to Ellie. I wanted to feel hopeful that someone had finally heard from him, but why didn’t he call me? How could I have been so stupid as to think what we had was different, that I’d found a man who knew how to commit to a woman?

  By the time we pulled into the salon, I was seething. My anger coiled inside me so tight I thought I’d shatter.

  I sat on a sofa while Nina checked us in. When she sat down next to me, I grabbed a hair magazine and flipped the pages blindly.

  “You’re mad,” Nina said.

  “I am,” I snapped back.

  Nina pressed her fingertips into her temples. “I couldn’t stop myself. I love taking over, but I should’ve stopped myself,” she said quietly. “I’ll apologize to Ellie. You girls do whatever you want. I’m sorry. I hope I’m still invited to the party.”

  “I’m not mad at you, Nina. I’m mad at myself.”

  “Tell me, Meg. I know I’m not a natural at this mom stuff, but I’ll try.” Her hands rested, neatly folded, in her lap. She sat rigid on the plush sofa, every joint stiff, shoulder back, head held high. “Plus you’ll be confiding in the right person. I’m an expert at efficiently harboring self-inflicted hostility.”

  I looked at her. “It’s this guy.”

  “Stop right there.” She strolled across the salon to a bridal party sipping champagne as they had their wedding hair done. Nina stepped to the middle of the group and did a slow turn until she had everyone’s attention. Soon the group was laughing with her. A minute later she walked back, a bottle in one hand, a glass in the other.

  “Are you ladies ready to head back?” A thin woman with red and orange dreadlocks waved us down the dimly lit hall. She sat us at a station, and someone rushed over with a chair for Nina.

  Nina gave explicit orders for what needed to be done with my hair, and someone brought me a glass of water with lemon and mint suspended in the ice. After making sure it was okay for the baby if I had color done, I was content to submit to my stepmother masterminding my makeover.

  The stylist left to prepare our color, and Nina returned her focus to the champagne. “Go ahead and tell me about this guy.” She popped the cork and filled her glass with bubbly. “Start at the beginning.”

  So I told her everything. I talked about holding onto Jason, and how I duped myself into thinking that by sleeping with him again I could prove to myself I’d moved on from the past and Bradley. I talked about standing by Bradley even though I was lost and alone in our relationship.

  And then I told her about Theo.

  “I wasn’t going to fall for it again,” I proclaimed to Nina. A hairstylist slathered chemicals onto strands of my hair and wrapped it in foil, while Nina downed her champagne. “I promised I wouldn’t let it happen, but it did. I fell in love. When Theo came along, I couldn’t resist.”

  “And he left you… like all the others did,” Nina said.

  “Well, first he backed away. He’d been pulling away for some time. But things got better after the ultrasound. I thought we’d make it. I believed in Theo.”

  “Do you think he wasn’t that into you?”

  “No, he said he loved me. He showed me he loved me. At first I thought he wouldn’t get close to me because of his own problems, but his excitement about the baby was genuine. He did her room. He was about to reveal the room when Jason showed up.” The stylist set a timer and wandered away. “Theo was pissed I’d called Jason with news about the baby.”

  “Well that’s understandable,” Nina said, placing her hand delicately over her mouth in an unsuccessful attempt to muffle a burp. “Theo can’t pretend it’s his baby if Jason is present. It’s a reminder that you had a life before him.”

  “That’s silly. We both had a life before.”

  “And what did he do before he met you?”

  “He was on active duty in Afghanistan,” I said.

  “Being in the army is not a life you simply walk away from. He’s probably living it on some level every day. He looks at you, and if he really cares for you, then it probably tears him up that baby is not his.”

  “How do you know so much? You and Dad have been together forever.”

  “Yes, but my mother got me a new daddy every two years,” Nina said, and I realized she’d had way too much to drink. Nina, Mrs. Self-Possessed, sat relaxed. She was ready to open up.

  With two tons of foil folded up on my head and miles of vinyl draped around me, I sat still. “You don’t talk about your past,” I said, a gentle reminder for her to keep it to herself.

  “Well, it’s not a beautiful story, more like one of those sinister fairy tales you’re so into. Sometimes the men were nice enough. A few I got attached to.” She sighed and extended her foot, inspecting her shoe. “I also had to deal with rotating siblings. I counted once. I’ve had eleven different stepbrothers and sisters. Not a single one I still talk to, not even the stepbrother I shared a bed with for six months in high school.”

  “Oh.” I didn’t know how to respond.

  “Thankfully, my mother didn’t reproduce after me. I was her one slip-up.”

  “I’m sure it wasn’t like that,” I said to reassure her, although I had no idea. Her mother died right after Nina moved in with us.

  “Oh it was like that. She never let me forget how I ruined her body, how she had great plans before I came along.” Nina downed the rest of the champagne in her glass and reached for the bottle. “But life is about learning, and my mother taught me many things.” She filled her glass halfway, drank a few sips, and then added more before returning the bottle to the table. “Like, to stay calm when a man’s interest fades.”

  “Dad loves you, Nina.”

  “He doesn’t answer the phone when I call. He won’t even say hello.” She licked her lips really slowly. When she finally looked up at me again, she gave me a sad smile.

  “I’m sorry.” I said. “It’s all my fault.”

  “It has nothing to do with you.”

  “But you’re embarrassed about the baby. He wants to retire and move here, and you don’t.”

  “Well, I was embarrassed you didn’t tell me about the baby. I’m embarrassed by my response to this…” She waved in the general direction of my midsection. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to act.”

  “It’s okay—nobody does.”

 
“When I met your father… when I came to work for him, he was so good to me. I changed everything about myself because he deserved the best. He was always so happy with me. I did anything I could to make him proud. I was his advocate, his partner, but most of all I was his wife. I married the best man I’d ever met. Where I come from, it doesn’t usually work that way.”

  “Dad’s lucky to have you. You two are good together.”

  “The thing is, I worked so hard to create this life, this image, and I don’t know who I’ll be if I retire. I’m not ready to quit,” Nina said. “I need to be in demand. And I love the rush of it all.”

  “So why not let him retire, and you keep working?”

  “That would be fine, but my career is not here. He wants us to move. I’d have to start all over, and I don’t know if I can do that. What if I don’t make it on my own? And look at how I failed you as a mother. I’m not exactly grandmother material.”

  “You didn’t fail me. Don’t say that. I’m not mother material, so I know how you feel. Maybe we can figure this out together.”

  The stylist came by and checked under a sheet of foil. “Are you ready?”

  I followed her to the sinks and reclined. While she washed my hair I thought about Nina. How strange to think of her as being a separate person from Dad. I knew Dad without Nina, but I never knew Nina without Dad, at least not in a good way.

  After a cut and blowout, I was led to Nina, who was already at the nail station. Her eyes were glazed over, and she stared off into the distance. Her feet soaked in a tub of water. Nina saw me coming. “Have a seat.” She pointed to the tub of steaming water waiting for me, next to her. “Amazing, your hair is gorgeous.” She poured the remaining champagne into her glass.

  “Thank you, you made my day,” I said truthfully.

  “The only thing better than retail therapy is a makeover.” With a wistful look she said, “Trust me, when I’m not working on work, I’m working on me.”

  “Things will come together with Dad.”

  “Well maybe things will work out with you and Theo, though after the pain he’s caused you, I’m sure you can do better. You deserve to be cherished.”

  While my feet soaked, a nail technician sat on the floor in front of us and washed Nina’s feet. I relaxed, and enjoyed relating to Nina for the first time. She wanted me to confide in her, so I did.

  “I’m stuck, Nina. I’m in love with him. I want a life with him.” I frowned. “Why do I do this? Why do I keep falling for men who don’t want me?”

  “Well, my shrink would say you seek out a variation of the imprint your mother left on you.”

  I considered what she’d said. “That’s kooky, but what else would your shrink say?”

  “She would say you choose men who hurt you because deep down you think you should be punished. Your mother neglected you and left you. You subconsciously believed you got what you deserved. Because you never worked through those feelings, you choose men who validate this belief. You buy into the lie that you’re not worth it, because if you were, your mother would’ve stayed.” She brought the glass to her mouth for another hefty sip. “I shouldn’t drink this much. Loose lips will sink ships.” She giggled and wiped her chin.

  “No, keep going. I didn’t know I could blame my mother for everything wrong in my life. I like your shrink. Why didn’t I figure this out on my own?”

  “Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?” Nina asked.

  I shook my head, a wave of nausea rolling through me.

  “You have to vilify your mother to blame her. You can’t do that. She’s an angel—perfect, but you can’t see her. You don’t remember how she hurt your father. But by being loyal to her, you’re hurting yourself. She left you. You have a right to get angry. It’s the healthy thing to do.”

  “Whatever.”

  “See, you resist, but on some level you know it’s true. Instead, you blame yourself, you make excuses for Steve’s inability to commit, and you pity your father for being married to me.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” I said.

  “And you project your anger and judgment on your evil stepmonster. I can accept it; I know my place, and I can take it. But if you want to be a good momma to this baby…” She poked me in the side of my belly. “If you want to have the life you deserve, then you should quit projecting all your pain in the wrong direction and put it where it belongs.”

  “What do you know? You’ve never been a mom.” Nina didn’t even flinch. Damn her for crossing the line. “My mother didn’t neglect me.”

  “When was the last time she called to check up on you? Has she ever sent you a birthday present or even a note in the mail, just to say hi? That woman neglected you. My shrink would say you are in a world of denial. You must accept it to change.”

  “Boy, this was fun. You should play shrink more often.” I dried my feet off and stood. “I have to pee.” I stalked off.

  She shouldn’t trash my mom. She had no idea why Mom left. None of us did. I had let my guard down with Nina for one afternoon, and she ripped me apart. I splashed cold water on my face, considered that she might be right, and the truth tore through me. The bathroom door opened behind me, and Nina walked in barefoot.

  “I just got a call,” she said. “They’re crowning me idiot of the year.” She came up and hugged me. “I’m such a jerk—sorry.”

  Normally I would push her away, but for once I held on. “It hurts because you’re right.”

  “If you think about it, we have a lot in common.”

  “Men we care about ditch us and don’t respond to our calls?”

  “Well, that, but it’s our mothers. We survived women that couldn’t show love. My relationships with men echoed that until I met your father.” She went to the mirror and smoothed back her hair. “Marrying him was a victory over my past. I broke through the dark cloud my mother had left over me.” She took out her compact and powdered her face, glancing back at me as she spoke. “But where I failed is, I couldn’t figure out how to be a good mother to you guys because the only example I had hurt me. So I stopped trying.”

  “I’m sorry I said you’re not a mom. You’re the only mom I’ve ever had. We’ve had… moments.”

  “And I’m sorry I got carried away playing shrink. I didn’t mean to cause you pain. I don’t want you to hurt. Don’t make the mistakes I did. Why don’t I set you up an appointment with my therapist? She’s a doll. I love the freedom of paying someone so I can talk about myself for a whole hour. It’ll be good for you.”

  “No, no. You did a good enough job. I’m all shrinked out.” I smiled. “Let’s go get pretty.”

  After we had our nails done, Nina treated us to massages. I finished first and dressed, ready to go when they came to get me. Nina was asleep on the table, and they couldn’t wake her. I found her keys in her purse and pulled the car up front. They helped get her loaded in. She snored all the way back to the hotel and came around enough to wobble to her room sandwiched between the doorman and me.

  “Please stay with me. I’m tired of sleeping alone,” Nina said.

  “Don’t worry—I’m here,” I said, tucking her into the fluffy white comforter. I stretched out next to her. Comforted by the warmth of her, I fell into a deep sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  “Wake up, wake up,” Nina chirped. The sun sparkled bright in the room, creating a glowing halo around Nina’s shiny blond hair. “Time to take you home, so I can head back to Houston.”

  “But you still haven’t seen Dad.” I sat on the edge of the bed in my rumpled, day-old clothes, but when I caught my reflection in the floor-to-ceiling mirror, I saw that my hair looked fantastic.

  “He doesn’t want to talk to me.” Nina had her game face on. “C’est la vie! What’s a girl to do?”

  “I’ll talk to him,�
� I vowed.

  “What’s the point? He’s tuning me out.” She bowed her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Are you ready?”

  Back at my place, Nina gracefully slid out of the car and came around to me.

  “What are you doing?” I asked. “Do you need to come in?”

  “No, I need a hug.” She wrapped her thin arms around me, and her chin dug into my shoulder. “Thanks for staying with me last night.”

  “Sure. And thank you for taking over party plans for Ellie and me.”

  She gripped my arms and pulled back. “You sure about all that?”

  “Of course! I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I forced a smile onto my face to sell my words, but truth be told, if not for Ellie, I’d have skipped the whole thing.

  “Oh Meg, I will do right by you girls! Just wait… I can’t wait!” She ran back to get in her car as fast as her tight pencil skirt and high heels would let her. “Bye dear! Take care of yourself!”

  The smell of fresh coffee greeted me even before I entered Steve’s office. “You’ll never believe what happened yesterday.” I pushed the half-open door.

  Instead of Steve’s smiling face, I discovered Dad and Hazel, sharing coffee and giggling. My father seemed plenty cozy with a woman who made my skin crawl. Disappointment at my sudden intrusion showed in their faces, and my instinct was to retreat, but Nina’s resolve in the face of loneliness had given me a new empathy for her.

  “So what happened?” Hazel asked eagerly.

  “What are you doing in here?” I snapped.

  “Meg—” My father’s tone carried a warning. “We’re having coffee, dear. Don’t be rude.”

  And there I was, compromised between my dad telling me to be a good girl and my employee pushing boundaries. Pulling in a sharp breath, I told them both, “You’re welcome to sit in the staff area, but I can’t allow employees to sit in the management offices drinking coffee.”