When You Make It Home

by Claire Ashby

  “Oh, wow!” Ellie gushed when I came out.

  “What do you think?” Nina asked.

  “You have an eye for clothes. It’s perfect.” I embraced Nina, and although she was angular and stiff, she made some odd movement that led me to believe she was hugging me back.

  “Don’t look so nervous, Meg,” Ellie said. “I finally get to do something today, and we’ll have fun.” Ellie had permission to dress up and spend the day on the sofa, but at any sign of contraction, she had to return to bed. Doctor’s orders. I sent everyone out of the room and helped Ellie put on the deep-violet dress Nina had chosen for her.

  “I can’t wait to get out there.” Ellie raised her hand, and I gave her a high five followed by a fist bump.

  “Let’s do this,” I said.

  We traipsed down the hall from her bedroom, swinging our joined hands. Jake met us and took Ellie’s other hand.

  “Ladies, you look amazing.” He kissed his wife’s cheek and looked at her as though he wanted to take her back to the bedroom. Ellie ignored him, ready to see friends and family. She’d been cooped up too long.

  A hush fell as we walked in. The room was packed, but everyone cleared the way for Ellie to make her way to the sofa. Very few people had seen Ellie since she had gone on bed rest. Now nearly everyone from Café Stay and The Book Stack was in her living room, plus Ellie’s numerous friends, who’d missed her over the last few months. They all gathered around her, commenting on how wonderful she looked.

  “Make way for my wife,” Jake ordered as he led her through the room.

  I fell back from the crowd. Hazel came out of nowhere and groped the pleated fabric of my dress. “I’m sorry about the other night.”

  I nodded absentmindedly, watching Ellie hug a man, her head resting on his shoulder.

  Hazel talked in my ear, but I wasn’t listening. Ellie stepped out of the hug and scanned the room. She found me at the same time the man did.

  Theo.

  He approached without crutches, steps not quite smooth, but he was standing on his own.

  Nina sidled up to me. “Surprise! I found him.” She rubbed my back. “For you.”

  “Uh-oh,” Hazel said, and for once, she darted off in the other direction.

  “You can thank me later,” Nina whispered. She wandered away, and I was left in a room full of my closest friends, while the man I’d been missing for weeks walked unaided across the floor to me.

  “Hello,” Theo said.

  I stood, immobilized. I couldn’t breathe. I took a step back, trying to fill my lungs. I glanced around the room, measuring the distance to various escape routes. Focusing back on Theo, my whole body felt heavy with defeat. He wore a look of hope, but that look cut right through me, into the core of my loneliness.

  “This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come,” he said.

  “No, you shouldn’t have walked out on me.” I glared at him. “But right now is a bad time to have this conversation. Everyone who has been by my side is in this room. I can’t focus on you.” I whirled around and walked off, keeping my eyes fixed forward.

  I hunted down Nina to chew her out and found her huddled in the corner, talking with Dad. She sat at ease, beaming. I couldn’t be mad at her.

  My father had his arm draped around her, and he waved at me. “I’m sorry about the other night,” he said.

  I waved back, but didn’t want to interrupt his moment with Nina.

  Hazel appeared out of nowhere and put her hands on my belly. “You’re so big, that baby will be here any day now.”

  I flinched, repulsed by her touch. “Not yet. I still have six weeks to go.”

  “Are they sure there’s only one in there?” She cackled. “You poor thing, you’re a house.” She wandered off and made a beeline for my Dad. As she got close, he stood up, leaving Nina alone. Dad put his arm around Hazel and led her away. The smile he gave her made me sick. Nina didn’t look too happy, herself. I went to her.

  “I could fire Hazel,” I suggested.

  “That woman your father has befriended?”

  “Yes, she’s a real pain in the ass.”

  Nina frowned. “They are close. Did you see the way his face lit up? No, don’t fire her. That will make her needier and probably more attractive to your father. I’m done.” Nina didn’t wear defeat well. “Tonight is about you. Let’s go inside and enjoy the party.”

  “Everyone, can I have your attention?” Jake called out. “First, I want to thank you all for joining us today to celebrate Ellie and Meg becoming mothers. The baby games are about to begin, so any man that would like to bow out, join me out at the grill.” Steve separated from Chelsea and joined the men outside.

  Theo stayed. I wished he hadn’t come to my party. I had finally gotten him out of my head. I had finally moved forward just enough to get through the day and sleep at night without torturing myself with questions of what I had done wrong. But he came back. He showed up at my baby shower, looking strong and sure, and I still didn’t know what he wanted.

  I took a seat next to Ellie.

  “Are you okay?” She asked in a whisper.

  “I don’t know.”

  “It’s good he came. We’ve all missed him.”

  “Did you know he was coming?” I asked.

  “Nina checked with Jake first before she contacted Theo. Can you believe she found him?” Ellie smoothed her hands over her belly. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to get your hopes up in case he didn’t show. Don’t be mad at me.”

  “I’m not.” I took a shaky breath. “He looks good. I’m glad he’s getting better. I wish he didn’t have to leave me to do it. Is he leaving after today?”

  “I don’t know. You need to talk to him.”

  As the party went on, Nina slowly deflated. Once Ellie and I opened our gifts, Nina was itching to leave. “Don’t pick up anything. The staff will take care of it all. Walk me to my car, Meg. I have one last thing for you.” Her ominous tone gave me goose bumps. At her car, she told me to get in. I sat in the passenger seat, and she reached across me and popped open the glove box. She pulled out a large stack of envelopes wrapped with a heavy-duty rubber band.

  Something about the way she held the bound paper gave warning that something big was about to happen.

  “Your father doesn’t know I have these,” she began, and my desire to know what she held grew. “He’ll be mad at me for giving them to you. It’s not my place to do this, but you have a right to know. Your father avoids confrontation to the point of leaving everyone in the dark.”

  As she handed the stack to me, I could see my father’s script on the top envelope, addressed to my mother. So he had known where she lived all along. I sorted through the envelopes, reading the postmarked stamps. At first, he sent letters almost monthly. Then it went to one letter a year until Steve and I graduated from high school. I read and reread her name to myself: Candace Adams. The few times Dad had spoken of her, he had referred to her as Candace.

  “Now I know why I never found anything searching for Candace Michaels,” I said.

  “I didn’t know you looked,” Nina said. “But anyway, they never married.” She turned in her seat to face me. “I checked it out for you. She’s still living at that address.”

  “What are you suggesting?” Could Nina know I’d entertained this idea for years? “She doesn’t want to see me.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Return to sender,” I read the words lettered in loopy scrawl. “She didn’t even want to read what he had to say.”

  “You’ll only know if you go. This is a chance for a relationship with your mother. Maybe she’s waiting for you to take the first step.” Nina’s voice rose with excitement. “If nothing else, at least you’ll get some answers. Who knows
?”

  I was tempted. I wanted to know. Although I wouldn’t say it out loud, my whole life I’d deeply longed for the love and approval of the woman who’d walked out on me.

  “What would your shrink say?”

  Nina grinned. “Are you sure you want to know?”

  “Give it to me straight.”

  “My shrink would say only you can decide if this is what you need to do.” Nina lifted her chin. “But you must find a way to break the pattern of loving men who aren’t available to you. You have to believe you deserve love. It will make a difference in your life, but more importantly, it will make a difference to your daughter. Otherwise, you’ll be teaching her the lessons you don’t want her to learn.”

  “Okay, I need to think.”

  “Let me know what you decide. I’m going to go home, pour a glass of wine, and drink it in bed.”

  “I can’t convince you to stay?”

  “No, I’ve appreciated the way you and Ellie have embraced me, but tonight I think I need to be alone. It’s been too long since he looked at me with that same level of kindness and compassion. If he doesn’t want to come home with me, then I’ll go home alone.”

  “Are you sure you still want to help out with the Brooke and Bella event?” I asked, giving her a chance to bow out. “You know, Hazel and Dad will be there, too.”

  Nina put on her most professional smile. “Absolutely! I have it all planned out. Everything is ready. I can deal with your father.”

  “Ok.” I hugged the letters to my chest. “Thank you, Nina.”

  I didn’t want to bring the letters inside, so I went and stood next to my car. Once I read them, I would confront Dad. If Steve found out I had them, he would tell me not to open old wounds. But I wasn’t ready to let go. Nina was right. I had to confront my past before it tore me apart. Maybe she was also right about my mother waiting for me to take the first step. At first I put the collection of envelopes on the passenger seat, but then I decided to slip them under the driver’s seat. Caught up in what I was doing, I didn’t notice him approach my car. I pulled myself back up and locked the car. When I turned around I stumbled into Theo.

  His arms came around me to steady me. “Hey there,” he said. “I’ve looked all over for you. I thought you left.”

  I looked up to the cloudless sky and then back at him. “Gosh, that must’ve been hard for you.” I tried to pull back, but he held me tighter.

  “Wait,” he whispered, staring into my eyes until I stilled against him. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I left you.” He slid his hands up my back and held me against him. He buried his face in the curve of my neck, as if breathing strength off my skin. “I have some things to say to you.”

  I inhaled the familiar smell of a man I’d craved for weeks. My body gave in, relaxed against him.

  Theo’s cheek brushed against mine. His mouth blazed a hot path to my mouth. Once we connected in a kiss, time sped up, our lips sliding, tasting, hungry and hot for each other. Theo clung to me, devouring the moans that escaped my throat.

  I thought the words before I said them out loud. “No, no.” I pushed against him, and took a step back. “You can’t do this to me again. I won’t let you.” I turned and walked on unsteady feet back to the house. Before I reached the porch I heard him start his truck and pull away. Relief washed over me, and I rested my head against the door for a minute.

  I managed to pull it together and thank the guests as they departed. Wandering to the back of the house, I found Hazel and Dad rocking on a swing. They laughed, in on a private joke, lost in their moment. My fury flamed. How could he move on without Nina? I’d had enough.

  I walked up to him. “Dad, why did you ignore Nina? She’s trying so hard to get you back, and you spend all your time with her.” I pointed at Hazel.

  “Meg, don’t be rude.” He placed his arm comfortingly around Hazel’s shoulders.

  “No, she’s right. I should leave,” Hazel said. She stood up from the swing and brushed the front of her pants.

  “Hazel, don’t leave. You belong here,” Dad said.

  “Dad,” I said exasperated. “She’s a store employee.”

  “Meg—”

  “No, I need to say this. You do a great job, Hazel, but you have no boundaries. My life is none of your business. The hours I work are none of your business. My married father is none of your business, and if you insist on wiggling your way into our family, Steve and I will need to let you go.” My chest rose and fell with the force of energy that surged from months of stuffing my outrage at her intrusiveness.

  My father stood. “That’s enough, Meg.”

  “She’s right,” Hazel said, ducking her head. “I have no business here.”

  Dad took her hand. “Yes, you do, Hazel. It’s time. Tell Meg.”

  “Tell me what?” Acid churned in my stomach. I didn’t care what she had to say; I knew from the look on my father’s face that trouble was ahead.

  “You tell her,” Hazel whispered to my father.

  “Meg,” Dad said gruffly and raised Hazel’s hand, gripped in his. “Meet your grandmother.”

  My mouth went dry. I looked from Hazel back to my father. “But your mother’s dead.”

  “Hazel is your mother’s mother.”

  I stepped back. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “That doesn’t matter. She’s here now, and she wants to get to know you and Steve better.”

  “She’s here now?” I raised an eyebrow, looking from Hazel to my dad and back again. “That’s really creepy. You… you’ve worked at the bookstore for over five years. I’m not doing this. I have to go.”

  I raced through the house. Jake had taken Ellie back to her bed. Everyone was gone except for Steve and Chelsea, who were lounging on the sofa.

  “Hey, good party,” Steve said. “I loaded everything in your car for you.”

  I thought of the letters hidden under my seat, and I could hardly breathe.

  “Thanks, I have to go.” My voice quivered. “Tell Ellie I’ll call her later.”

  “I’m sorry about the other night,” Steve added.

  “Me, too,” Chelsea echoed.

  “That means a lot, thank you.”

  Chelsea hopped up and came to my side. “I’ll walk you to your car.” She grabbed my hand, pulling me along. “What’s up now?”

  “I can’t tell you.” I didn’t look at her.

  “You can tell me everything,” Chelsea replied, squeezing my hand.

  “I need to dump on someone. I need you to be my friend right now and not my brother’s girlfriend.”

  “I’m both,” she said. “One doesn’t compromise the other.”

  “So can I speak in confidence?”

  Her hands landed on my shoulders, shaking me. “Absolutely, spill it.”

  “Nina gave me letters my father’s been sending to my mother for years, and I finally know where she lives.”

  “Oh goodie, I can’t wait to read them.” She bounced up and down, her boots crunching the gravel in the driveway. “Are you going to call her?”

  I cringed. I didn’t want to share the letters with anyone. I considered Chelsea’s question. “I want to go see her.” Once the words came out, I knew it was the only decision I could live with. “Hazel is her mother,” I added.

  “Hazel is whose mother?”

  “Hazel is my mother’s mother—she’s my grandmother.” The words tasted sour on my lips. “Oh, this is too weird.”

  “What?” Chelsea’s mouth fell open. “Well, there you go! She can fill in all the blanks.”

  “I don’t want to hear what she has to say. My grandfather hired her years ago, and she kept her identity from Steve and me. ”

  “So get to know her now.”

&n
bsp; “No.”

  “That’s plain stupid. You have a chance to fill in the blanks, and you want to stay in the dark. Sounds a little chicken to me.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said, brushing her off. I couldn’t tell her what I was going to do. That would be asking her to keep too much from Steve.

  “Sleep on it,” Chelsea said. “Everything will be clearer in the morning.”

  As it turned out, she was right. By morning my plane had landed in Atlanta. I was on my way to meet my mother.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  I read the first letter from the bottom of the stack after takeoff.

  Dear Candace,

  Come home. Please. We miss you. The kids are fine, but they keep looking for you, asking for Mommy. You would make us all happy if you would only come back. I love you with all my heart and I only want good things for you. If you’re not ready yet, just know I am always ready for you. Don’t question that. I will never stop waiting for you, my love. We want you back.

  Truly yours,

  Mike

  If I could’ve sent a letter to Theo in the days and weeks after he left, it would’ve been very similar to Dad’s letter. Dad’s pain, from all those years ago, cut into me.

  The letters increased in urgency. Dad bared his soul, and my mom never opened a single envelope. How could she deny Dad’s love? I was the first and only one to see inside his agony, and the ache in my chest grew until I felt like she was breaking my heart.

  The letters changed about the time Nina came into his life. They became distant—simple updates about Steve and me. Then came a heart-wrenching letter:

  Dear Candace,

  I can’t do this alone anymore. I’ve lied to myself, believing you’d return. No more. I’ve met someone new. The kids like her, and she loves us. I never wanted to give you an ultimatum, but I have to ask one last time. Come home. You are my heart. You are almost out of time—when I move on that’s it for me. But still, I want you back, and the kids need you.