A Baby for Christmas

by Joanna Sims

  His boots made a thud as he dropped them next to the chair. “No.”

  “Not ever?”

  He leaned back. “Not ever.”

  “Why not?”

  “What would it have accomplished, other than make things more strained between us? I was trying to make things better, not worse. I’d never lay all of this on you when you are grieving and pregnant. Not my style. Honestly, I wish you hadn’t found that letter, but what’s done is done.”

  When she didn’t say anything, he continued.

  “Now that it’s out in the open, I feel I can finally move on. I just hope you didn’t get too beat up in the process.”

  “What if I don’t want you to move on?” This was blurted out of her mouth before her brain had a chance to stop it.

  The room became very still; neither one of them moved. She actually had to remind herself to take a breath while she waited for his response. It never came. He simply sat in the chair without moving an inch, and contemplated her as if she were a code to be deciphered. Humiliated, she finally said, “I don’t know why I said that.”

  “You’re all mixed up.”

  She couldn’t argue with him. “Can we forget I said that?”

  Luke stood up. “It’s already forgotten.” He walked over to her and held out his hand. He was being so gentle with her, so kind, that it made her heart break a little for the both of them. She slipped her hand into his, reveled in the strength and warmth of his fingers as they closed over hers.

  He seemed so calm now; the tension that she had always sensed in him was released, and now she was left with a man who seemed to accept his fate. They had traded places. Now she was the tense one.

  “I’m not going to apologize for loving you, Sophia.” He took both of her hands in his and held them. She titled her head up and took in the rugged planes of his face.

  “I don’t expect you to.”

  “It never occurred to me that Dan and I would fall for the same woman—we never had before. But it happened, and I suppose the better man won.”

  She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing at all.

  “I can live with loving you and not having you. That’s how it’s always been. I’ve become accustomed to it.” He lifted his lip in a self-effacing half smile. She returned the smile. “But what I can’t tolerate is being cut out of little Danny’s life. That’s my priority in all of this—it has been ever since I found out you were pregnant....”

  “I already told you, Luke, I would never keep you from seeing him as much as you want. Nothing will ever change that, no matter what the future brings for either one of us.”

  “I know. And I believe you, Soph.” Luke released her hands and reached up to brush the hair away from her face. “I just don’t want you to feel awkward around me because of all this. Okay? Let’s just concentrate on you having a healthy baby.”

  As his hands dropped away from her face, she found that the feeling of loss was nearly unbearable. She ached to have Luke touch her again. She ached to be in his arms, but she had the distinct feeling that she would never feel his arms around her again. Not like before. He loved her, yes, but he had no intention of pursuing her. And that made her feel ridiculously rejected.

  She rubbed her hands over her belly and nodded in agreement. “I was hoping he would arrive for Christmas. You know, like the best Christmas present ever?”

  Luke guided her to the door; the meeting was over. “I hope that boy has the good sense not to show up on Christmas.”

  “Why not?”

  “Kids who are born on Christmas always get screwed in the present department. Let the kid have his own day, at least.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right.”

  Luke held on to the door and leaned toward her slightly. “Are we good now?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’d like for Mom to have the best Christmas she can have, considering...”

  “We’re good. Really. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

  “I know that’s right. Then we’re square.”

  “Square.” She smiled as she outlined a square shape with her fingers.

  “Good night, Soph.”

  “Night.”

  “And keep that baby in there cooking until after the holiday!”

  She smiled at him over her shoulder. “Easy for you to say, Brand! You’re not the one lugging him around. I’m ready for him to come out on Christmas Day, or any other day for that matter!”

  * * *

  The next week leading up to Christmas raced by for Sophia. The Brand family always made a big deal about holidays, and even without Daniel and Josephine, Barb was determined to make it a merry Christmas. Sophia threw herself into the holiday spirit, doing her best to keep her mind off Luke. But the truth was, it was never far from her mind. Unfortunately, it seemed that his confession had given Luke a sense of ease with the situation, and he didn’t seem bothered by her at all. It was as if the release of the secret had washed away the sexual tension that had been emanating from him. In fact, he was acting exactly like her platonic friend, and she should be happy about it. She should be thrilled! But she wasn’t. The truth was that she hated it.

  And she wanted him to stop it!

  She wanted what they had before his family had returned. She wanted her Luke back. And the fact that he could so easily push aside his desire for her made her wonder if he really loved her, or if he had just been infatuated with a fantasy woman who didn’t really exist.

  In spite of herself, she had become somewhat of a visual stalker. Her eyes would seek Luke out wherever he was. She found that she enjoyed looking at him, enjoyed watching him as he interacted with his family. Of course, she rarely caught him looking back at her, and when he did meet her eyes, he gave her a mild, platonic nod that left her feeling completely dissatisfied.

  Her head was saying it was a good thing; after the baby was born, she was going back to Boston. After his leg healed, Luke would go back to active duty. Their lives had intersected briefly at this point in time, but soon their paths would move apart. She had to accept that.

  Unfortunately, her heart was having a hard time falling in line with her mind.

  She had fallen for Luke; there wasn’t any doubt in her mind about that anymore. But she would never be involved with a military man. She couldn’t be. And Luke would never leave his career with the Marines. As far as she could see, there wasn’t a future for them. Not as a couple. Why was it so hard for her to accept this when it seemed that Luke had already moved on?

  * * *

  Just after midnight New Year’s morning, Sophia was alone in the family room watching the lights twinkle on the Christmas tree. The entire family had turned in after the stroke of midnight, even Jordan. She had thought to get up several times to turn in, but she found that she was almost too tired to get up. Nine months pregnant and everything was a chore; she was ready to have the baby and move on. It was a relief to know that if Danny didn’t make an appearance of his own in one week, her doctor would induce labor. She was tired of feeling tired, and she hated the fact that she was waddling instead of walking. The thrill of being pregnant was beyond gone.

  “I thought I was the only one still awake,” Luke said from the doorway.

  Sophia caught her breath. “You startled me.”

  “Want some company?”

  “Of course.” She patted the seat cushion next to her. “I was just admiring the tree one last time. Your mom is obsessive about packing everything up on New Year’s Day.”

  She had also been feeling sorry for herself, not that she would share this truth with Luke. But this was the first time since college she hadn’t received a New Year’s kiss. And if she had hoped that Luke would sweep her up into his arms for a New Year’s kiss, that little fantasy of hers had been shattered into a thousand pieces. At the stroke of midnight, Luke had crossed the room to her, and he had kissed her cheek in the most annoyingly bland way.

  Luke
sat down next to her on the couch. “She has her routine, that’s for sure.”

  They both sat in silence for several minutes and then Sophia heard Luke chuckle.

  “What?” she asked.

  Luke nodded toward the German shepherd sleeping in front of the waning fire. Ranger was draped across the large dog, sound asleep. “Even Elsa has succumbed to his persistence.”

  Sophia smiled as well. “He’s irresistible.”

  “Yes, he is,” Luke agreed, easily.

  After a moment of silence Sophia turned her head toward Luke.

  “I thought you had already turned in.” Sophia admired his strong profile.

  “I couldn’t sleep.”

  “I couldn’t get out of this couch!”

  That got another chuckle out of Luke. After a minute she said, “I want to thank you for my present. I can’t imagine how you arranged it.”

  “The military can be a small world.”

  She picked up Daniel’s dog tags that she now wore around her neck and held them tightly. “These are what I wanted the most. I still can’t believe that I have them....”

  “I’m glad you like them.”

  “I love them, Luke. I can’t thank you enough. Really.”

  “No need to thank me. I was happy I could do it for you.”

  “I didn’t have anything for you....”

  Luke gave a quick shake of his head. “I have everything I need.”

  Those words hit her in the gut. After a pause, she asked, “Is that true? There isn’t anything else that you need?”

  Luke got up and put distance between them. Even in the sparse light, as he straightened after stoking the fire, she could see the tension in his jaw, the stiffness in his shoulders. “I don’t need much.”

  “What about a family?”

  Luke leaned against the mantel and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ve got family.”

  “You don’t have a wife.” Why was she going down this path?

  He didn’t respond.

  “You don’t have children,” she added belligerently.

  Luke pushed away from the mantel. “What’s this about, Sophia? What are you driving at?”

  “I’m just having a friendly conversation.” That was a lie.

  “No, you’re not.” Luke didn’t hesitate to call her on that lie. “You’re trying to make a point, but I sure as hell don’t know what it is.”

  “No point.” She shrugged. “We can change the subject. We could talk about anything you’d like to talk about. Or we can talk about nothing at all.”

  “Bull,” Luke said flatly. He dragged a chair over to the couch and sat facing her. “What’s your angle, friend? Spit it out. What have I done now?”

  The word friend hit her like a slap in the face; no doubt that was his intention. “Nothing. You haven’t done anything.” That was the problem. She was feeling neglected by him and she couldn’t bring herself to say it. She wasn’t going to go chasing after him like a schoolgirl begging for a second of his time.

  Luke leaned forward and rested his arms on his thighs. All his attention, every fiber of his energy, was focused on her. “Dammit, Sophia. I can’t seem to do anything right with you, can I? No matter how hard I try, I always fall short. I always disappoint you in some way. I always manage to let you down.” He blew out a frustrated breath. “Just tell me what I’m doing wrong and I’ll fix it. Okay? I’m like goddamned putty in your hands!” Then lower, almost to himself, he said, “That’s how damned well pathetic I’ve become.”

  “You’re not pathetic.”

  “I’ll be the judge of that.” He lifted up his head and even in the darkness she was held captive by his striking eyes. “What...have...I...done?”

  Sophia suddenly felt weary. She felt weary of being pregnant, of dealing with Daniel’s loss, of being in Montana, and she was especially weary of her feelings for Luke.

  “It’s not you, Luke. Honestly, it’s not. It’s me....”

  “Bull.”

  “I’m being serious. My rotten mood doesn’t have anything to do with you. All right? You’ve been perfect. You’ve kept your end of the bargain, okay? No complaints. I’m just fed up with feeling like a holiday parade float, and I want to go home. Neither of those things have anything to do with you.” She reached out her hand. “Will you help me up, please? I’m ready to go to bed.”

  “Not a problem.”

  Luke held on to her hand as she slowly stood. She took a few extra moments to stand upright, and he could tell that she was feeling lousy. He wished he could do something to make her feel better, to ease her pain, but he knew that his hands were tied.

  Luke slipped his arm around her shoulder and offered his other arm to Sophia for balance. She held on to Luke’s arm gratefully, glad that no matter how irrationally she acted toward him, Luke never failed to offer her support. As Luke walked her to her room, his expression was both guarded and concerned. “Are you certain that I haven’t done anything to upset you?”

  Her shoulders dropped. She knew that this was all about him not losing touch with his nephew. That’s what mattered to him, and she was grateful. But she felt invisible to him now, and that hurt.

  “How about this... Ask me when I’m not nine months pregnant, okay? I have no doubt my answer will be a much different one.” Her back was against her bedroom door and her hands were resting on her distended belly. “I did have something I wanted to ask you, though. It’s something I’ve been thinking about, but you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to....”

  “What’s that?”

  “The doctor is inducing me next week. This boy is just getting too big for me.”

  “Mom told me.” Luke took a step closer to her.

  “Would you like to be in the room when Danny is born?”

  At first Sophia thought that Luke might not have heard her. He stood stock-still, his expression devoid of emotion. She was about to repeat her question when Luke dragged her into his arms for a bear hug that temporarily cut off her breath. He hugged her tightly, then pressed a hard kiss on her cheek before he released her.

  “I’d be honored,” Luke said finally. In the dim light she could see that Luke’s eyes were glassy with emotion.

  “I’ll be glad to have you there.” She reached out and gave his hand one last squeeze.

  “Happy New Year,” Luke said before he opened his door.

  “Happy New Year, Luke.”

  With that, they parted company, and as Sophia gently closed her door behind her, she felt a deep sadness sweep over her. Luke was still interested in her son; that was apparent. But he had disconnected himself from her. He had unplugged and stepped back; she felt as if she had lost her best friend. Somewhere along the line Luke had gotten under her skin, had become a part of who she was. And then, just as unexpectedly, he had slipped away from her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Sophia tried everything she could to sleep, but it was no use. Danny had his foot jammed underneath her rib cage again; he could not be persuaded to move. And, to make matters worse, she couldn’t get her earlier conversation with Luke out of her mind. It wasn’t like her to play the wounded, wordless female to get out of sticky situations. And yet, that’s what she had allowed herself to become. Instead of coming right out and saying what was on her mind when she had the opportunity, she had chickened out. She had lied. She had evaded. And now she couldn’t sleep.

  “That’s it! If I’m awake, he might as well be awake, too.” She slipped out of bed, threw on her robe and made her way to Luke’s room. She didn’t bother to knock. Instead, she gently opened the door and stepped inside. Luke was sprawled out on his back as he slept.

  She reached out and shook his arm lightly. Luke’s eyes immediately popped open.

  “What’s the matter? Is it the baby?”

  Sophia shook her head. “No.”

  Luke propped himself up on his elbow. “What’s the matter?” He repeated the question.

  “You were
right earlier. I am upset about something.”

  Luke took a deep breath in through his nose and looked at his watch on the nightstand. “It’s three o’clock in the morning, Soph. Can’t it keep?”

  “No.” She shook her head again. “I can’t sleep.”

  “So I shouldn’t sleep either? Is that it?”

  “It sounds bad when you put it like that.” She frowned.

  “It sounds bad because it is bad.” He stood up and yanked on his jeans. “But you’re pregnant and you’re a woman, so I guess you have the right.”

  “That was a real oinky thing to say.”

  “And your point is?” Luke raised a brow at her. But after a moment of thought he held up his hand. “Wait. Scratch that. Let’s stay on track here. I may be a chauvinist...”

  “You absolutely are a chauvinist...”

  “But that’s not why you’re standing in my room in the middle of the night, correct? Or is it?”

  “I don’t think I like your tone....”

  “You don’t like my tone?”

  “No. I don’t!” Irritation had already crept into her voice.

  “Well then, I suppose we’re even, sweetheart, because I sure as hell don’t like the fact that you just woke me up out of a sound sleep because you’re displeased with life in general.”

  “That’s not true. I’m very happy with...”

  Luke was at her side. He took her by the shoulders and guided her until she sat down on the bed. He held on to her. “Dammit, Sophia!” he said in a harsh whisper. “You’re driving me bloody crazy. Do you understand that? Do you have any concept of it? You are the most annoying, infuriating, disagreeable, frustrating, complicated woman I have ever met. And, unfortunately, I love you for it, which makes me a complete nut job! Will you please tell me why you woke me up?” By the time he was done, he was no longer whispering.

  “Shhhh! Keep your voice down!” she said in a loud whisper. “Someone will hear you.”

  “I don’t give a damn if someone hears me.”

  “Well, I do! I don’t like to have everyone in my business. It’s already bad enough that...”

  Luke snatched up his watch off the nightstand. “You have ten seconds to start talking.”