Love Redeemed

by Lindsey Beck

  Emma’s chatter had filled the day. She was quite taken with Matthew. At lunch, the group had laughed when Matthew asked her where she’d been all his life. Emma had grown very serious when she explained that she had been traveling with her Mom.

  “Traveling, huh?” he’d asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Yep. Mom says I’ve seen things other kids don’t get to normally see until their old.”

  Matthew had chuckled. “Like where?’

  “I’ve been all over. I’ve seen the ocean with dolphins!” Janie remembered that trip. She’d been on assignment in the Atlantic. “I’ve been to a place called Italy where they have lots of grapes and olives! We went to a big Canyon somewhere…”

  “The Grand Canyon,” Janie instinctively corrected.

  “And I’ve seen these huge trees called….Mom, what were they called?”

  “Sequoias.”

  “Oh yeah. Sequo-ways. Lots of other places, but nothing as cool as here, Matty. I like it here.”

  “Well, you’ll just have to come back, won’t you?”

  “Really? I can come back?”

  “Sure, you can. I can always use help on the farm.”

  Janie turned away physically from the memory and the sight before her. Emma needed a father. Janie wanted a husband. She knew who would fit the bill perfectly, but he was having none of it.

  She had tried to kill the longings or at the very least bury them. She tried to dwell on her blessings and focus on her daughter. But he interrupted every thought. He was always at the front of her mind, reiterating what she had told Shelley months ago. Matthew was it for her. No one else could fill that place in her heart.

  She rested her back against the fence and propped her leg onto the lowest rail. She stared at the older farm house and blinked hard to fight back her emotions.

  She should have known Emma would take such a liking to Matthew. It was a reminder of how desperate the little girl was for male attention. Matthew, of course, soaked it up. He would be a great father. She wished that he could see that.

  “How is it going with Matthew?” Shelley asked as she too turned towards the house.

  “It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest,” she admitted. “He stays close enough to make my heart skip, but distant enough to just be a friend.”

  Shelley sharply exhaled. “The man’s a fool.”

  Janie shrugged. “A fool who is doing what he thinks is right. It hurts.”

  Her counterpart was silent for a few minutes as they gazed into the sky. The sun’s movement signaled that the day’s activities would soon be over.

  “Why don’t you let us take Emma for the night?” Shelley asked.

  Janie stared incredulously at her. “She’s been sick.”

  “So? Who hasn’t? You need a break, Janie. You look tired and I think you need some time to figure this all out. Jake and I will swing by your place and get everything so you don’t have to be in a hurry to leave.”

  “Shelley,” Janie’s tone was playfully warning. “No match making.”

  She just winked and tossed her hair over her shoulder. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Anyway, we‘ll just keep Emma for the rest of the week. It will be nice to have a little girl around those four other boys.” With that, her sister-in-law walked away to gather up the wild brood. Janie wasn’t about to argue with her. It wasn’t often that she got a break away and it would give her time to work on finishing for the gallery opening.

  Janie shook her head and pushed herself off of the coral fence. She needed to find a restroom and took the liberty of allowing herself into Matthew’s house.

  It wasn’t until she was looking for a towel to dry her hands that she noticed the large portrait in Matthew’s living room. She remembered that shot. It had been one of her firsts. She had been pregnant with Emma and experimenting with photography. She had revisited her home and taken pictures of the old farm house.

  She went to the fireplace and gently fingered the carefully chosen frame. She had agonized for days over how to frame her artwork for her first gallery. Finally, she had opted to make her own from old stained wood. It fit in with Matthew’s décor perfectly. The room itself pulled out the subtle fall colors her lens had captured.

  What a coincidence? She wondered if Matthew even knew this was her work…

  Her thoughts trailed off as her eyes swung to the long hallway off the living room. She swallowed hard. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Without invitation, her feet instinctively carried her forward. Four more smaller pieces of her work lined the hallway. Pictures of long forgotten assignments from Italy, California, Canada, Greenland…Did Matthew know all of this was her work? Or did he simply like the altruistic styling?

  She moved further into the house. Two of the guestrooms also held her work. Janie paused in front of the what she knew would be the master bedroom. She rested her head against the closed door. What was going on here? It looked like Matthew had followed her entire career. There were pictures from every location she had ever visited. Without fail, there was a least one photo from each of her galleries. Why? Did he really care as much as she suspected? Or were these pretty pictures he just happened to like?

  Her galleries were well publicized. She had sold hundreds of portraits over the last five years and her name was brazenly inscribed on the back of each portrait. There was no way, he could not know. Which left only one possible solution. Matthew did care about her.

  Somehow, she knew she’d have the answer when she opened this door.

  Fighting the nervousness in the pit of her stomach, she slowly turned the door knob. The well greased door opened on its own to reveal one of her best pieces…one of the most expensive she had ever sold hanging over Matthew’s bed. It was the shot of the canyon. Emma was apart of that shot. Her back was to the camera. Her favorite rag doll dragged the ground as she stood next to a Joseph tree staring out at the amazing landscape. It was the same shot she had lost her footing on.

  But it wasn’t the photo that really captured her attention. It was the snapshot beside his bed that did. She walked forward and picked up the small 5X7 frame from his nightstand. She didn’t remember this photo being taken, but it spoke in emotional volumes.

  It must have been taken when she had first arrived home from the hospital after her accident. Someone had captured the exact moment that Matthew had leaned into the old Ford truck. She was smiling up at him and he was grinning back at her with so much love that it was breathtaking.

  Janie’s legs wouldn’t hold her anymore. She sank to the bed, gently tracing the happiness in the picture. Matthew loved her. He had loved her back then. It was plain to her now. There was no questioning it. This was the expression she always saw in her dreams. The one she thought she caught glimpses of now, but were always hidden behind Matthew‘s impenetrable wall.

  Somewhere in the distance she heard her name being called, but she couldn’t respond.

  Matthew loaded Emma into Shelley and Jake’s van and slid the door shut. After saying his goodbyes, he turned and scanned the horizon for Janie. He saw the front door open and assumed she went inside. He thought he remembered Shelley saying something about Janie needing a bathroom.

  “Janie?” he called out as he shut the front door. Hearing no response, he went and knocked at the bathroom. “Janie?”

  He grew concerned when there was still no answer. Moving through the hallway, he turned to his master bedroom, he caught a glimpse of her sitting on his bed. His heart stopped when he saw her holding the picture frame.

  “You lied to me,” her hushed tone rang in his ears.

  He swallowed hard and stuck his hands into his pockets. He hoped he could play dumb, but he didn’t think it was going to work this time. “Excuse me?”

  “My own brother didn’t even have a picture of me in his house until he married Shelley. Yet you have one of us right here by your bed.” Looking up to the large canyon scape, she added, “He most definitely did no
t follow my career as a photographer,” She leaned forward and returned the picture frame to his nightstand. Slowly, she stood, turned and looked at him, dead in the eye.

  “How long have you been in love with me, Matthew?”

  Matthew shifted uncomfortably. How in the world did he get out of this without lying? He couldn’t tell her the truth. The truth was he had been in love with her since the second grade. He had loved, respected, and admired her for the majority of his life. She was his inspiration, his very need for existence.

  He couldn’t let her know the depths of his feelings, could he? She deserved better than him. She always had. She always would. He couldn’t be that selfish. He wanted to be. He wanted to be selfish, take her in his arms, and make her forget everything but him and the way his lips felt on hers. But he couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t risk her getting hurt by his past or him. She had to understand that they could never be together. Maybe then she would move on.

  “We’ve been over this before, Janie. It’s not the same for me.”

  “Explain it to me, Matthew. What’s not the same? Do you see me as a just a sister? Or something more? A friend? A lover? Or do you feel less of a man because you did drugs at one point…We’ve all made our mistakes…”

  “Janie!” Matthew cut off her angry tirade. “Why can’t you just accept what I’m giving you? You and I are never going to be together like that. I can’t and won’t let it happen. We are friends. Nothing more than that. It will never be more than that. Don‘t keep pressing your luck where I‘m concerned. Find someone else.”

  “Or what? You’ll take off again? You’ll run like last time?”

  “Yeah. Maybe I will.”

  “What are you so afraid of Matthew? What about me scares you so much?”

  “I am not discussing this any further. You’re a guest in my home. Why you took it upon yourself to come back here…uninvited…is what we really should be discussing.”

  Janie bit her lip to keep it from trembling. She shook her head. His tone reminded her of being a little girl and she hated it. She wasn’t little anymore. She was tired of him thinking that he could decide what was best for her without giving any thought as to what she wanted. And what she wanted was him. It was time he got a dose of a Janie who wasn’t willing to cower down in the shadows.

  She joined him the doorway. “I love you, Matthew.”

  “Stop it…”

  She held up a hand, silencing him. “You’ve had your chance to say what you wanted, Matthew. It’s my turn. I love you. I always have and I always will whether you’re willing to accept it or not. So I guess, in that way, you’re right. It isn’t the same for you. I’m going to respect what you’re asking of me, Matthew.”

  “Friends, then?” Matthew asked almost letting out a relieved rush of air.

  “No, Matthew,” Janie looked into his eyes and braced herself against the pain her next few words would have for both Janie and Matthew. “I can’t be just friends, Matthew, and I definitely can’t keep doing this.”

  Janie pulled on her remaining strength and courage. Again, she shook her head. Her voice was losing volume along with her courage. It was taking everything she had to look him in the eye and say the next words. These few words would splinter the remaining shards of her heart. “I don’t want to see you anymore.”

  Looking away, she pivoted and left him standing in the doorway. She found her way out of the house and to her car in a blurry haze of tears. She turned the keys in the ignition and started to pull out of the dirt driveway.

  The sobs didn’t start until she reached the end of the drive and realized that he wasn’t following her.

  Her heart broke even further as she thought about how she was going to explain why Emma wouldn’t be seeing Matthew ever again.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Why was she here? What was she doing? But Janie couldn’t stop herself. It was almost instinctive to her. She needed to dull the pain and the bright Liquor store signs seemed to blink an unspoken promise of relief. Her addiction was leading her down a familiar road.

  She had been here before. She recognized the signs, but she couldn’t stop. She didn’t want to stop. She wanted to drink until she couldn’t feel anything anymore. She wanted to drown out the memory of him and everything that had happened in the last few months. This was the only way she could do it.

  And she knew that once she started, she wouldn’t be able to stop this time.

  Still, after six years of sobriety, she found herself inside the store, purchasing the 90 proof whiskey, and stowing it in the seat of the car. It was there, calling her name. It’s seductive memory was tempting her towards the first sip.

  Janie stared at the small brown bag. The pull to open it in the car and start her binge nearly overwhelmed her. Everything in her wanted that first shot. Janie resisted the urge and started her car.

  She numbly drove home, unsure how she finally arrived. She went into her kitchen and pulled down a glass. Filling it with ice, she silently poured the whiskey over it. She lifted the glass to her lips and closed her eyes.

  Find rest, oh my soul, in God alone.

  Janie’s eyes flew open. She recognized the Psalm. Years ago, when she had wanted to know where God was, why she was in such pain and she couldn’t think straight, Matthew had read this verse to her. God had answered her then. He was answering her now, even though she had not asked.

  Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God…

  Honor. She had made a covenant - a promise - six years ago. The alcohol threatened to tarnish her honor…again. She pulled the glass from her lips. She couldn’t do this. She just couldn’t. She didn’t want to. True solace would come from her Lord and Him alone.

  Janie tilted the cup above her sink and poured the amber liquid down the drain.

  The rest of the whiskey followed suit and she discarded it in the trash can. Janie crossed her studio and collapsed into her overstuffed chair. She combed her fingers through her hair and reached for her bible.

  Hoping to find comfort, she allowed the worn pages to fall open where she had bookmarked her readings. It stopped in second Corinthians. She began reading at the fifth chapter, but stopped when she reached the seventeenth verse.

  She read and re-read the verse. Excitement bubbled up inside of her as the words in the verse conjured up images. The images burst forth in her mind’s eye unwilling to be ignored. Their call was stronger than the whiskey. Their demands easier to give in to. Janie grabbed her purse and silently prayed the local arts and crafts store was open. She had a sudden urge to paint.

  Janie anxiously scrubbed at the paint covering her hands and arms. She had forgotten how messy this process was. Glancing up in the mirror, she could see it was a lost cause. Paint was splattered through her hair, her face, and over her favorite outfit. She closed her eyes inhaling deeply then exhaling.

  She reached over and turned her shower on. She stepped in and prayed the shampoo would at least get the dark oils out of her hair. The warm water began soothing her aching muscles.

  She had been up all week, fighting past demons, replaying the scene with Matthew, and painting. She couldn’t believe how close she had come to giving in to temptation. She had nearly wrecked eight years of hard work and her life again, but God had saved her.

  It was the first time she had painted since the accident and it felt good. After pouring out the brew, she had made a mad dash to the local art supplies store and grabbed easels, oils, brushes, and canvas. Unfortunately, in her rush, she had forgotten the smock and thinner.

  She had poured her heart song out onto those canvases. She had cried, prayed, and painted for the last seven days, but it was done. Her feelings, her thoughts, her heart was beautifully and skillfully spilled onto the material.

  When she had finished, she had made two phone calls. One to Jake so he would return Emma
and the other to Collette. The exhibit was opening up and Janie wanted the paintings in it. At first Collette had balked, not really believing that Janie could master both photography and painting. But then Janie had sent her pictures of the artwork. Collette had nearly killed her for not telling her that she could paint so well. They would be in the exhibit along with her other art.

  The secret places of her heart were on those canvases. Selling them would bring closure to the part of her life Matthew occupied. She would never have him, but she felt like she could be at peace with that finally. Selling these photos would represent giving him up. She could move on after this.

  Janie hurried through her shower and threw on an old pair of jeans and t-shirt. She ran a brush through her cropped blond hair, pleased that most of the paint was gone. There were a still a few splatters at the edges of her temple and small dots on her cheeks that resembled freckles.

  Her arms were a different story, but she couldn’t help a small smile. Lightly, she traced the outline of white lilies growing around a deep green vine that twisted around her arm and up to her shoulder.

  Janie had just finished making coffee when her doorbell rang. She ran down the studio stairs and opened the door for her brother.

  “Morning.”

  “Momma!” Emma threw her arms around Janie and began to excitedly babble about a trip to the zoo and ice cream. Janie waited patiently for her to finish, threw in a couple of comments, and then let the little girl run upstairs to her room.

  Jake gave her a brief hug. “You look terrible.”

  “Thanks,” she quipped, jogging back up the stairs. “Come on in. I’ve made coffee.” She continued into the kitchen leaving Jake in her living room / studio.

  Jake paused in front of the most recent canvas when Janie handed him the coffee. He glanced over at her, raising an eyebrow. “You’ve been busy.”