by RH Tucker
“Luc, please …” She looks away, but I can’t stop.
“I wanted to know what it felt like to talk to you, to laugh with you, or simply stare into your eyes as we went out on a date. I wanted to know what your lips would feel like against mine.”
“Luc―”
“Jen, I’m in love with you.”
Her mouth snaps shut, and she stares at me. I’m almost positive I’ve said too much, but I can’t help it. She’s right about one thing―even though this isn’t about getting her out of my system, I’ve definitely had these feelings bottling up inside for too long and now they’re spilling over and I can’t do a damn thing to stop them.
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
“Please, don’t say that.”
“I’ve loved you since third grade and I think you feel something for me, too.” Her eyes stay locked on mine. “Jen, don’t fight this. I know you feel what I’m feeling.”
“I … I can’t.” She looks away for a moment, and then meets my eyes one final time. Reaching up, she presses her hand against my cheek.
A lump forms in my throat. There’s a stinging in my eyes and I think I’m on the verge of tears. I don’t remember the last time I cried because of something emotional, but I’m certain it’s about to happen right now.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, pushing herself away, and swimming to the edge of the lake.
I lean against the rock wall, squeezing my eyes shut, fighting off the tears and trying to decipher what the hell just happened. We kissed, and it was something I’ll never forget it. How can she deny that? And to top it all off, I just told her that I loved her. I held my heart out to her and she basically said ‘no thanks’. What the hell?
“Jen!” I call out, swimming after her. “Hold on.”
“Just leave it, Luc,” she yells back.
She’s closer to the shore than I am, so I kick harder, trying to reach her. She’s on her feet, walking through the water. I swing my arms faster to try and catch up. Finally getting to a point where my feet hit the bottom, I frantically splash the water around, running after her.
“Jen, wait.”
She’s on dry land now, and even though she’s basically power walking, trying to get away, at least she’s not running. Not like I am.
I grab her arm, swinging her around. “Please, hold on a second.”
“I said drop it. I can’t, okay?”
“No, not okay. You can at least tell me why.”
“Because I can’t.”
“That’s not a reason, Jen.”
“Yes, it is.” She furrows her brow at me.
“No, it’s not.” My hand moves from her forearm, sliding down to her palm, and I pull it up, pressing it against my chest. “You feel that? I could say it’s from swimming and running after you right now, but it’s not. It’s beating like crazy, because that’s what you do to me.” Her determined look vanishes. Her eyes soften, and her shoulders start to fold. “And the way you kissed me, you have to be feeling something like that. Please, Jen, just tell me what to do. Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”
“You can’t.”
“Please, you might’ve been hurt before, but I won’t do that.”
“Lucas, you can’t say that.”
“Yes, I can.”
“No, you can’t. You don’t know―”
“I know, okay?” She looks up at me, unsure what I mean. “I know, even if you never talked about it, I know.” She watches me carefully, waiting for me to explain. “You never talk about you mom, but I know you must feel hurt. I can’t imagine going through that, but I won’t do that, okay?”
Her eyes shut, and I cock my head to the side, as I see slight smile on her lips. But when she looks back at me, she’s not happy. She shakes her head, keeping an incredulous half-grin on her lips.
“This isn’t going to happen,” she snaps.
“You’re saying you didn’t feel anything?” I realize I’m still holding her hand and I step closer to her. “You don’t feel anything right now?”
Her amused grin leaves, and she shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter what I feel, because you can’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“How do you know I can’t keep them.”
“Lucas, just drop it.”
“Jen, I won’t ever―”
“Don’t, Luc.”
“I won’t hurt you.”
“You already did!” she yells at me, taking a step back.
My face drops. “What?”
“That day in eighth grade,” she says, crossing her arms. “You hurt me, okay?”
“Jen, it was eighth grade. I know I screwed up, but we were just kids.”
“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I haven’t argued with myself over that fact? But it doesn’t matter. You weren’t supposed to be like her.”
“Like who?” I’m trying to stay calm, but my insides are crumbling. I hurt her much worse than I thought that day. So much so, that she’ll probably never trust me again.
“My mom.”
“What are you―”
“You say you loved me since third grade, well I have you beat. I loved you from that first day I saw you.” My face drops. “And it only got worse as the years went on. And that night we kissed? I’d been wishing for that night a long time before it happened. My God, I used to make scrap books of weddings and dresses and houses, all based on you and me, because I knew I was going to marry you. I wrote ‘Jennifer Mitchel’ so many times on the inside of my folders, I probably went through hundreds of pens. I loved you, Lucas. And then you made me feel like I was nothing. Like I didn’t matter. You made me feel the exact same way my mom did when she left.”
I stand there, silent and motionless. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, her eyes are red, but she’s in complete control and I know she’s been holding back that dam of information for a long time.
“So, no,” she continues. “You can’t say you won’t ever hurt me. And no, I can’t love you anymore, because I can’t love anyone anymore. My heart’s been torn apart too many times by the ones who should’ve never done that.”
I’m still silent. My heart’s shattered, but not because she doesn’t love me. Because I’m the one who ruined it. I’m the reason she’s locking her heart away. And even if somehow, someway, I could find a way to try and get a second chance, she won’t believe me. She’ll always stay guarded. And I’m the reason why.
There’s a bend in the hiking trail, and as if the universe is sending me a signal, telling me that this will never happen and I should move on, Sasha and Tara come around.
“Oh, hey, Lucas,” Tara says, smiling.
Sasha glances between both Jen and I, and then exchanges looks with Tara. “Oh, sorry.” Sasha averts her eyes. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Nope,” Jen straightens her should and turns around, “you didn’t interrupt anything.”
I can feel Sasha’s eyes on me, but I keep them locked on Jen, watching her as she walks down the trail and around the bend, out of sight.
Chapter 14
Jen
I should feel relieved. It should feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The flood of emotions and revelations that spilled out of both Lucas and myself should have even brought a measure of closure. I told him how I felt, and he told me how he felt. But there’s no relief. Just pain.
I hide in my room for the rest of the day and fall asleep without eating dinner. When I get up to use the bathroom, there’s a small bag hanging on my door, my phone and earbuds inside. Lucas could’ve tried to talk to me or made me speak to him just to get my stuff back. He could’ve even wrote something to me, but he didn’t. He left it alone and I hated and loved that he did it.
I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I just want to forget it. Pretend it never happened. Mostly. Because there is a small part inside, a small sliver of my heart that I’ve tried to suppress, but I can�
�t. And that small piece keeps his words; he loves me. It keeps his actions; he kissed me. And it stores everything I felt; the feeling of his skin against mine, his warm breath against my ear, and the feeling of my heart melting as he stared into my eyes.
All of that made the rest of the weekend painfully slow. I tried to act as normal as I could, but Nancy kept shooting me worried looks. Every time Lucas would walk into the cabin, I could tell he was trying to keep his distance. When he finally left the area, I found myself letting out a deep sigh of relief.
By the time we’re packing everything up Monday morning, I’m more than ready to finally get home. I put my last bag in our backseat and turn around to see Rich walking over.
“Hey, Jen.”
“Hey.”
He rubs the back of his neck. “So, I know it’s none of my business―”
“If it’s none of your business, then stay out of it.” You don’t have to be a genius to know where this is going.
“Jen, look, I don’t know what the hell’s going on between you and Lucas―”
“Still none of your business, Rich.”
“But what I do know, is the guy was hanging out with Johnny and I last night and was practically sulking. You know, I always wondered why he never kept a steady girlfriend in high school, but I figured he was busy or distracted or whatever. But now I see it.”
“What?” I stare at him.
“You two. I always made fun of him when we were all little, but I never thought it was real.”
I shake my head, letting out an annoyed breath. “What’s your point?”
“Whatever’s going on, you guys need to figure it out. We were hanging out last night, and he was practically ignoring this girl.”
My jaw drops as I scoff. “Seriously? Lucas not getting any action is not my problem.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right. I’m not talking about just him. Where were you this weekend?” I meet his eyes for a second, only to stare down at the ground. “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, or if it’s good or bad, but whatever it is, it’s there. And I don’t think either of you are going to be able to move on until you actually come to grips with it. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say.”
I watch as he turns around and walks back into the cabin. There was so much that came out this weekend, but I don’t have any idea what to do or how I can face it. And really, what else is there to say? I won’t leave myself open to being hurt again. I won’t.
The entire drive back home I try to forget everything Rich said and be mad. Mad at him for butting into my business. Mad at myself for letting my guard down. And mad at Lucas for that amazing kiss. Then, inevitably, my thoughts get stuck on said kiss and the time we spent in the lake. I want to erase it from my memory, because then I won’t be able to recall the taste of his lips or the way my skin reacted to his hands over it.
“You okay over there?” Nancy inquires as we got closer to our house.
“Mmhm.” I nod, staring out of the window.
“Jen, I’m really happy you came this weekend.”
“Yeah, me too.” I try to smile through my lie. I’m not sure she believes me, but she doesn’t question it.
“I know I’ve said this before, but you can talk to me, you know?”
I don’t answer, and she just stares straight ahead as she continues driving. I feel like I need to talk about it, but Nancy isn’t the one I want to confide in.
After quickly unloading my bags, I send Emma a text message and head over to her house. She’s nearly bouncing off the walls, grinning from ear to ear in anticipation. When I texted her, I told her ‘something happened with Lucas’ but that’s all I said.
“Tell me everything,” she says as she shuts her door.
I fall down on her bed, grabbing a pillow and throwing it on my face.
“Was it hot?” Emma sits down next to me on the bed. “When you said something, I’m assuming it was a kiss, right? I mean, I don’t think you’d say that if you meant … well, you know.”
“Ugh!” I groan in the pillow.
Her voice is high, and her words are fast, so I know she’s excited, while I’m anything but.
“Jen?”
My words are muffled since I keep the pillow in my face.
“What?”
I pull the pillow down and sit back up. “My life sucks.”
“What? Why?”
“He told me he loved me.”
“Ohmygod. Are you serious?” Her eyes pop open as she stares at me.
“And I told him I love him.”
“You what?”
I shake my head. “I mean, I did love him. When we were little.”
“Oh.” She raises an eyebrow. “Is that what he meant?” I shake my head. “Oh … are you …” She stops, looking down at the carpet. I’m pretty sure of what she’s going to ask, but totally confused as to what my answer will be. “Are you sure that isn’t what you meant?”
I don’t answer, choosing instead to stare up at her ceiling
“But I don’t understand. If he feels like that and you―”
“I don’t,” I cut her off. I don’t know if I’m lying to her or myself, but I can’t let myself go down that road.
“Okay.” She bites her lip. “What I’m trying to say is, why does your life suck? I mean, did something else happen?”
“Well … I mean …” She stares at me and I try to remain calm, but the nerves are too much. “We made out in the lake,” I blurt out quickly, before falling back down and slamming the pillow over my face again.
“What?” Emma squeals, slapping my leg. “Why didn’t you lead with that?”
“Because,” I groan out, removing the pillow, “it won’t work. It can’t.”
“Why not?”
I glance over at her as she waits patiently. We met during freshman year and she’s been my best friend ever since. But even with all the secret whispers we’ve shared and the boy-talk we’ve had over the years, I’ve never really confided in her about what happened with my mom. About how I feel like love just isn’t in the cards for me, even if I want it.
“Wait.” She stops me before I can try to explain or even offer a white lie. “Does this have anything to do with Franco?”
I let out a defeated breath. In a way it does. I wasn’t head over heels in love with him, but I thought I did feel something. I thought falling in love was a possibility for both of us. He might not have crushed me like my mother, or broken my heart like Lucas, but he did hurt me. And I still feel stupid for not listening to Emma and Carter and everyone else in the first place. I nod, keeping my eyes locked above.
“Jen, he’s a dumbass.” Her words make me smile, because Emma doesn’t use bad language very much. “He’s an idiot, and Carter and Matt were right. You’re so much better than him.”
“Thanks,” I mutter, but don’t feel any better.
“So, you and Lucas?” She smiles at me.
“No, Emma.” I shake my head. “Like I said, it can’t work. He was the one person that wasn’t supposed to …” I trail off, feeling my eyes burning. She waits patiently as her eyes soften on me. I fight off the tears, shaking my head. “I’m not lovable.”
I don’t know why the words slip out. They’re what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling but saying them out loud just make them that much more real. And telling them to Emma leaves me open for her to question why I feel that way. I swallow my nerves, wiping my hand across my eyes, trying to dry the mist. I’m not going to think about the words. The last words from my mom before she left. And I sure as hell am not going to tell them to Emma. Saying them out loud will just make them true. I mean, they must be, if I can’t find anyone to love me. But saying them out loud will cement them forever.
Emma crawls over to me and wraps her arms around me.
“Jen, don’t say that. You’re my best friend, and I might be biased but you’re wrong. You are lovable. I love you. Your aunt lov
es you. And you already said Lucas does.”
“You and Nancy don’t count. And Luc … he already had his chance.”
“Ugh!” She slaps my arm. “That’s rude. We totally count.”
“Okay.” I squeeze her arm, as I cling to the pillow against my chest.
She doesn’t say anything else and for that I’m thankful. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The sooner I can forget about Lucas and that kiss, the better. The only problem is, part of me doesn’t think I’ll ever be able to forget about it, or if I really want to.
Chapter 15
Lucas
I’ve been back home for three days but I’m as useful as a sack of potatoes. How the hell did everything get so screwed up? My entire ride home with Rich, I stared out of the window, trying to figure out how I could fix the situation. Or if it was even possible. Rich was surprisingly quiet, but I know he noticed how weird I was acting around Sasha when we went over to their cabin for a campfire.
She asked for my number later that night, so of course I gave it to her, but I really just did it to be polite. Rich was eyeing me the next day, I’m sure wondering what was wrong with me. What is wrong with me? I mean, sure, I made out with Jen and it was amazing, but she wants nothing to do with me. She pushed me away, literally. That leaves me with nothing else to do but move on from her. That’s the problem, though … I don’t want to, especially after everything she told me.
She’s liked me longer than I liked her. She used to write my last name in her notebooks, as if it were her own. She wanted and imagined that first kiss even before that night. So why is she so determined to ignore everything we both are obviously feeling? Me screwing up was part of it, but she mentioned her mom. I need find out exactly why she compares me to her, but I have no idea how to do that.