Growing Up Native American

by Bill Adler

  There would be old men and old women in my life.

  I invented history. In April’s thin white light, in the white landscape of the Staked Plains, I looked for tracks among the tufts of coarse, brittle grass, amid the stones, beside the tangle of dusty hedges. When I look back upon those days—days of infinite promise and steady adventure and the certain sanctity of childhood—I see how much was there in the balance. The past and the future were simply the large contingencies of a given moment; they bore upon the present and gave it shape. One does not pass through time, but time enters upon him, in his place. As a child, I knew this surely, as a matter of fact; I am not wise to doubt it now. Notions of the past and future are essentially notions of the present. In the same way an idea of one’s ancestry and posterity is really an idea of the self. About this time I was formulating an idea of myself.

  Miss Johnson said Mayre not Mary why doesn’t she talk the way she’s supposed to and that Tommy the dirty rat I’ll knock his block off and not care if he tells he tells everything and the time Billy Don and I got spanked because we were throwing snowballs and broke a window the one on the side not the driver’s side and the lady was smiling until that happened driving slowly and smiling and the glass went crack it was only cracked and then she got mad not really mad but oh oh now we have to do something about that this and that you’ll never know just how much I love you I didn’t want to go to Mrs. Powell’s because she has all those nice things in her house and you have to sit still and she watches you and one time she wouldn’t even let me eat an orange in her car it smells she said and your fingers get sticky she said and I don’t like her crummy cactus garden either well I like it but there are a lot of better cactuses over by Billy Don’s dad’s place I wonder who that girl was the soldier’s girl on the library lawn and they were having their picture taken and the soldier was trying to touch her down there and she was giggling and I heard the twins laughing about it and I wanted to laugh too but the girl was pretty and I thought she should not have let him do that she’s really good and decent probably maybe she was ashamed and didn’t know what to do but laugh that’s the way I am sometimes oh my gosh mom and dad heard me yesterday and I was singing You’re in the army now you’re not behind the plow you’ll never get rich you son of a bitch and they heard me and weren’t mad but said not to sing that even if all the other kids were singing it I think dad wasn’t sure and said he said son of a bee didn’t he and mom said yes he did and I did but I didn’t know it I really didn’t know it and one time in the arbor Lucius told me I said some bad words and Aunt Clara heard me and I didn’t know I had said them how could I just forget like that Lucius and Marland and Justin Lee and Ponzi we used to play around the arbor and the outhouse and tell jokes and smoke why did Burt tell me he was smoking oak leaves and that was all right well he’s a lot older but I bet that wasn’t oak leaves maybe it was anyway John was in the shower and I was playing at the sink in the kitchen and I wasn’t trying to make the water hot but he thought I was well what’s today Wednesday or Thursday no Saturday Saturday at the show when the crook came out on the porch and he started to smoke a cigarette and everyone thought Bob had got killed I didn’t though the crook fell then and we all yelled like crazy next time old Bob will get in trouble again and Hopalong Cassidy is coming to the Reel Fred Jackson is a sergeant is he yes but he got busted someone said for fighting for hitting his commanding officer he’s pretty okay to me why does he like those records Glenn Miller and Tommy Dorsey and Harry James Sleepy lagoon mom and dad too dad likes that music I think maybe at the Avalon When the lights go on again all over the world oh Billy Don and Burleigh those dumb guys this morning no yesterday no this morning I had to keep them quiet because mom was sleeping she loves to sleep late I don’t like it though I like to get up but I had breakfast in bed I made it eggs and toast and jam and I took it to my bed and ate it in bed well I don’t do it all the time I pledge allegiance to the flag indivisible My country ’tis of thee sweet land of liberty oh gosh Guadalcanal it isn’t so bad to get shot I guess if it’s a flesh wound get the medic but they strafe the beach John says the Zeros are more maneuverable but a lot slower than the P-39s and the Mustangs what do they call the P-38s they’re so awful fast I’m in a Bell P-39 okay no a Flying Tiger okay sons of the rising sun this is for my kid brother ha gotcha oh oh there’s a Zero on my tail eeeeeeooooooooooow lost him in the clouds just dropped down and let him go over me and climbed up oh he can’t believe it he’s in my sights cross hairs there Tojo that’s for the Sullivans well Chuck you can paint four more Zeros on old Sally here no I’m okay thanks honorable colonel we must stop Momaday he comes from nowhere from the sun I tell you he’s not human they say he’s an Indian that he wears an eagle feather has the eyes the heart of an eagle he must be stopped there son of the rising sun that’s for Major Anderson eeeeeeeeeooooooooow what oh another medal oh it was nothing sir it was for my kid brother sir he got his over Burma it was for the Sullivan boys and Major Anderson what lead the eagle squadron yessir thank you sir it’s a great honor

  I don’t want to see Louise again not since I made that lemonade and she was the only one who bought some shoot for a nickel it was and she came across the street and said it was good and cold and thanked me I hate Henry Aldridge too what was that really neat program The Monkey’s Paw The Most Dangerous Game The Mollé Mystery Theatre.

  I asked Billy Don if his mom and dad told him stories when he went to bed and he laughed once upon a time there were three pigs Rootie and Tootie and Pootie and Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse Scotty had a brand-new red car and it was snowing outside Billy Don began to laugh he got so tickled and we were all surprised because gosh it was right there in school what is it Billy Don the teacher said and he said oh nothing you wouldn’t understand I was just thinking and we all laughed like heck it was so funny Ida was sent out of the room and I felt funny about that that she was sent outside and knew that we were all talking about her gee and Miss Marshall said you must not be cruel some people do not have as much as you do and Ida can’t help it her clothes are old and dirty I found her crying in the bathroom and you must not be cruel you must make her feel that you are all her friends and then we all went out of our way to be friendly even Charles you’re an Indian Charles said and I said yes Indians are no good he said and I said you’re a liar he can’t stand to be called that gosh anything but that and he’s so tough so I took it back

  Grandma I miss you I feel sorry for you when I come to see you and see you and go away I know you’re lonely I like to see you I love to see you in the arbor cooking and talking to us you goot boy you say Scotty you goot boy and you used to carry me on your back in your shawl and hold me in your lap and I came to sleep with you and you’re so soft and warm and I like the smell of you your hair is so thick and heavy it is so black except for the gray here and there you buy me candy corn and candy orange slices jellybeans animal crackers I like to watch you sew and make beadwork let’s go to town grandma to the store you have so much money always Uncle Jimmy has money sometimes he buys me something down by Lonewolf his land everyone says he’s going to give me some land someday oh yes Miss Marshall my dad’s people the Kiowas they have a lot of land in Oklahoma my uncle is going to give me some land quite a lot of it someday no ma’am he’s not a farmer but he owns farmland yes ma’am it’s very strange well yes ma’am I’m a Kiowa yes ma’am I’m sure it’s not Keeowa no ma’am I can’t say the Lord’s Prayer in Kiowa I can’t say much of anything really my dad can yes ma’am I am proud to be so American I know it ma’am Lay that pistol down babe

  Oh I feel so dumb I can’t answer all those questions I don’t know how to be a Kiowa Indian my grandmother lives in a house it’s like your house Miss Marshall or Billy Don’s house only it doesn’t have lights and light switches and the toilet is outside and you have to carry wood in from the woodpile and water from the well but that isn’t what makes it Indian its my grandma the way she is the way she looks her hair in braids the clothes someho
w yes the way she talks she doesn’t speak English so well Scotty you goot boy she says wait I know why it’s an Indian house because there are pictures of Indians on the walls photographs of people with long braids and buckskin clothes dresses and shirts and moccasins and necklaces and beadwork yes that’s it and there is Indian stuff all around blankets and shawls bows and arrows everyone there acts like an Indian everyone even me and my dad when we’re there we eat meat and everyone talks Kiowa and the old people wear Indian clothes well those dresses dark blue and braids and hats and there is laughing Indians laugh a lot and they sing oh yes they love to sing sometimes when an old man comes to visit he sits in the living room and pretty soon he just begins to sing loud with his eyes closed but really loud and his head nodding and in the arbor there are sometimes pretty often a lot of people and lots to eat and everyone sings and sometimes there are drums too and it goes on through the night that’s Indian my dad sets out poles on the river and we eat catfish that’s Indian and grandma goes to Rainy Mountain Baptist Church that’s Indian and my granddad Mammedaty is buried at Rainy Mountain and some of the stones there have peyote pictures on them and you can hear bobwhites there and see terrapins and scissortails and that’s Indian too

  I gave mom Evening in Paris perfume and a little handkerchief and she was thrilled said so Mother’s Day but when I was just a kid last year two years ago I can’t remember I went on an Easter egg hunt at school no the park and I got some Easter eggs but I ate them and brought home nothing and was ashamed forever

  I’ll have a sweetheart in the war and she will look like Faye Emerson when I was at grandma’s I had a picture of Faye Emerson it was in a magazine I think and she was my sweetheart and I talked to her all the time I love you darling don’t worry oh I know it’s tough war is heck but though there’s one motor gone we will still carry on Faye yes Faye Emerson Montclair New Jersey if anything happens to me Billy Don see that she gets this letter we were going to be married and live in a little bungalow out west hear that Billy Don that’s it time to go thumbs up buddy old pal take care of things take care of that leg pal I’ll miss you Oh don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me anyone else but me anyone else but me I’m gonna dance with the dolly with the hole in her stocking while her knees keep a knocking while her toes keep a rocking hi’ya Hitler here’s one for Major Jordan okay Billy Don you take the ball see and lateral to me and then run out straight sure I can throw it that far can you run that far they won’t know what hit them there’s a game tonight isn’t there oh I love the games the air is cold and full of music and shouting the field is so green under the lights and the stripes are so white so much excitement I heard one of the high-schoolers say the Cavemen were going to win that if they couldn’t win on the field they were sure as heck going to beat them off the field everything depends on the game this game the Eagles and the Cavemen I got as close as I could I could see how hard they were playing playing so hard they were crying some of them their arms and legs bandaged and blood showing through cussing at each other I was kind of scared and the quarterback called the signals and the ball was in the air and the helmets and pads cracked together oh it was grand I love football nothing could be better than to be a great football player a back a quarterback or a fullback I told the Canons that I was a tailback but I don’t know what that is

  Maybe I’ll go to Kirby’s house but I don’t like him well he’s all right but he’s funny his folks are funny like that time I knocked on the door and no one answered and in the yard I picked up a piece of wood black wood a little block nailed to a big block and I was looking at it it looked like a German submarine and Kirby yelled out the window and everyone was there inside and told me to put it down it was his or what was I doing with it anyway but I wasn’t going to take it steal it but it felt just like I was stealing it the way they spied on me I didn’t know what to do but they were watching me all the time hiding there in the house why don’t they answer the door Kirby’s dad was in the army a long time ago the First World War and he was gassed Kirby said and there was a gas mask in the closet there I had never seen one a real one before and Kirby and I when we were little used to play war and our rations were always mustard sandwiches I don’t know why but they were always mustard sandwiches the bread got dry and the mustard too and darker funny color like sometimes the sand like the canyons at Chinle yeah it’s Begay sir he comes from Chinle Arizona I knew him yessir eeeeeeeoooooow puh uh uh uh uh uh uh there you son of the rising sun that’s for Corporal Begay the nurse sir oh her name is Faye yessir her father is Doctor Emerson of Montclair New Jersey very rich oh that time at Chinle Jimmy King mom said Jimmy King dressed up like Santa Claus and woke me up I was so excited scared I guess I didn’t know what to do I couldn’t say anything I just sat up in bed and my eyes were big mom said Jimmy was a boxer mom said a terrific boxer dad said Golden Gloves and he could beat guys twice his size or was it Shiprock Jimmy King came from Shiprock there was Sylvia oh gosh I was little then just a kid but I remember Sylvia’s birthday party and I took a crummy present a coloring book maybe was it raining it was dark then Faye came over and we did that thing on the bed standing up she asked me if I knew how sure I said Ponzi and Justin Lee told me mom came in and said what are you doing and Faye told her said that word and mom told me not to do it again she told me later when everyone had gone but dad was there and he said what what did he do and never mind mom said gosh I was just a kid then Onward Christian soldiers the Canons kidnapped Chiquita and left a note for mom pay fifty dollars or you’ll never see this dog again earlier I was throwing Chiquita up in the air letting her fall on the bed she didn’t like it but I did dad teases her and she gets mad and growls and snaps at him she’s so smart mom says and she doesn’t like anyone the way she likes mom and those dogs Billy Don’s dogs got married and we watched and Billy Don got really scared and went yelling they’re stuck they’re stuck and JJ turned the hose on them

  That really old woman across the creek what’s her name Keahdinekeah the way she looks gray hair so thin wrinkled skin scary eyes gray eyes and can’t see the way she smells and she cries she reaches out and her hands are so little and soft and her voice is so high and crying like a baby’s voice eh neh neh neh neh then she cries yes that’s Indian dad says his.dad used to take him in a wagon to Anadarko and they would stop eat watermelons in the shade that’s Indian my dad’s a great artist he’s painting that picture of a war dancer maybe a buffalo hunt and somebody’s going to win it at school or the PTA I don’t know only I said he would do it so he has to do it dad says grandma’s getting old and she likes for all of us to come home and she hugs me and says eh neh neh neh neh Scotty you goot boy and sometimes I sleep in the arbor it’s cool out there and Jimmy and Ralph sleep out there the benches are hard but grandma puts lots of covers on the benches and the covers are cool and the moonlight comes in but grandma has prayer meetings in the arbor and they go on and I get so sleepy but first it’s fun because there are kids there and the kids don’t want to stay in the arbor and sing and talk we run around outside oh but when aunt Clara and uncle Dick and Marland and Lucius are there it’s good it’s fun they always bring lots of food candy and cookies Kool-Aid toys too surprises I love to go to get the ice it’s so cold in the icehouse it feels so good because it’s so hot outside and I get so thirsty we get a big block of ice fifty pounds I guess and take it home to the icebox in the arbor and then ice in everything tea and soda pop and we can have ice cream and the icebox is full all the time she cooks all the time and the wind blows there are berries down there pecans by the river so dark there

  Maybe I will see Mammedaty he will be there just appear not in a dream but really a vision like mom’s mother the way she came beside the bed and she was an angel and was just there who are you maybe I will say but I will know who it is maybe he will look like that picture in the same clothes holding the feathers not smiling but looking just so calm hello are you in heaven grandpa yes I am in heaven well how is it there it is all right
but it isn’t what everyone says it is what everyone thinks is it beautiful grandpa no not beautiful but it is very quiet very still are there others there grandpa are your mom and dad there no those old people they did not come here but it is all right can you leave yes sometimes if someone wants you needs you I need you don’t I grandpa well yes and I wanted to talk to you it is good that we talk together how many Indians are in heaven grandpa I don’t know oh grandpa I love you I want you to tell me stories the stories you used to tell my dad I told him many stories he will tell you will he tell me everything no not everything not even all he knows but it is all right it is all right will you tell me about your grandmother the one who was captured is she there no she is not here I have not seen her is Jesus there grandpa I have not seen him but I believe that he is here will I go to heaven grandpa I don’t know but it is all right you must not be afraid were you afraid to die no because I saw many things and you will see many things are you going will you come again no I will not come again but if I need you if you need me

  Well I have a granddad Theodore Scott his big dog Chief horse Prince once he had a mule and I rode that mule through the barn door but there wasn’t room to go through not enough room to go through that door I don’t know how we got inside I told everyone mom and dad and granddad and no one could understand how it happened I could have been killed I guess when I get a horse he will have eyes like Prince beautiful eyes granddad was a sheriff too and he shot someone I think and a lot of people tried to shoot him he was too good for them he wasn’t afraid mom says he’s not afraid but he sleeps with a gun under his pillow Burleigh doesn’t believe it so don’t I don’t care it’s true I’ve seen the gun there I have seen it dad says not to be afraid I don’t think that guy will take my football again he grabbed my football I was walking through the yard the high school yard and he grabbed my football and knocked my ice cream down it fell in the dirt and he threw the football to another guy and they played with it keep away and I couldn’t get it back didn’t know what to do finally they got tired I guess and gave it to me but I was so late dad and I went to the high school to the principal’s office and they brought that big guy in and he said he wasn’t afraid of my dad but of course he was and I guess he was mad because I told on him and I hope I don’t see him anymore and I hope Kathleen didn’t see me when they took my ball well girls don’t understand they just don’t understand like that time at Louise’s house when we were playing games and then we sang and I kept turning around to see that pretty big girl older and really pretty and I just wanted to look at her only pretty soon she started crying and everyone wanted to know what was wrong and Mr. Roth tried to make her stop calm her down and said Marie what’s wrong and she was crying and said oh they all look at me like I had horns and it was me all my fault and I thought I had done something bad terrible but it was just a misunderstanding I thought she was really pretty that’s all