by Lipa Nandes
As I went downstairs, I could hear some heavy metal in the background, their laughter and I could feel the smell of weed all over the place; then it hit me…
"Oh shit, this smell is going to get stuck in my dress,"
I put my hands to my head, and the despair only made me think.
"Why, Neva, why!"
Unable to continue down the stairs, I sat there waiting for someone to come looking for me.
I started to hear footsteps leaving the room, and when they finally stopped, I looked up and saw Miles looking at me.
"Are you okay?" He asked me calmly. I shook my head as I tried not to cry, I cleared my throat and asked him.
"Hey, can you call Pat, please?" I felt my eyes become full of tears, but I didn’t want to break down there, I needed to be strong and to get out of here as fast as I can.
"Sure," He disappeared into the dark of the hallway, and I let out a small tear.
When Patrick approached me, he put his hand under my chin, making me look at him.
"Hey, what's going on?" His voice was calm and a little drawn out. I don't know where my head was when I agreed to come here.
"Take me home!" I asked him through sobs. He was confused by my request, perhaps because he thought I was going to spend the night with him.
But, I didn't want my mother to know that I had left the party early and had not gone straight home.
I didn't need more confusion in my life.
I had to compose myself and try to make the right choices this time. And I know that Patrick is not one of them.
"Uhm... Okay," I realize that somehow, he was sad that I wanted to leave. But, it had to be this way.
"Can we go now? I don't want to say goodbye to them,"
"As you wish Clark," he told me with harshness, with an aggressiveness which made me feel hurt and uneasy.
We left the house, and I was the first to get in the car, during the ride he didn't turn on the music, didn't talk, and he didn't even touch me. I couldn't understand if he was upset with me or if he was doing a temper tantrum because I didn't stay with him.
"Here we are, back in Rolling Hills!" He said scornfully pulling over in front of my house.
"Thank you," I said politely, though I had to control my temper.
"You're welcome," He responded with a rude tone.
Yeah, he's definitely pissed off with me.
"When can I see you again?" He asked me.
See me again? Why? What happened to the Patrick I knew? He was never anything like that, and that's why I liked him. He didn't ask me questions like that.
"Who are you?" I ask, but he didn't give me an answer. So I continue; "I don't know Pat, I just—" I shook my head and let out a big sigh. I didn't know if I had the nerve to tell him that I didn't want to see him again. "Give me just a few more weeks until I get, you know; settled!" I sighed. "Leaving home without my mother being worried." I lied to him blatantly. I don't want to know if my mother was worried about me or not. She could send me wherever she wanted, but my feeling for her would never change.
"Okay," he told me as I got out of the car.
chapter seven
I slammed the door behind me with force because he was a big jerk to me. How he dare to be that way with me!
I opened the main gate of my house, and when I walked in, Patrick was already gone!
I was tripping until I reached the front door.
Were my brothers already home?
I got out my cell phone to send a message to Marcus to see where the hell he was. When I unlocked my phone, I saw I had three missed calls from Kyle and a few dozen of messages from Marcus. But apparently, my brothers didn't know I was gone! That's good!
I put my phone in my purse without even care to reply to Marcus or Kyle. I'm way too drunk and high to talk to anyone of them. I opened the front door and went upstairs to my room. I was utterly exhausted and fed up with how things had turned out just because I went to that damn party.
It was at this time that I was reticent in my corner.
I sighed in relief as I sat on my bed, I let my body fall back, and I felt my room spinning, suddenly I smelled a nauseous smell "Oh shit, my dress..."
I undressed the dress, but I couldn't let my mother take him to wash; so I hid it under the bed, got into my pajamas and put myself under the sheets.
I let out all the air in my lungs and started thinking about everything that happened to me tonight.
I'm terrible at making choices for myself.
Let's see; I turn down Kyle for we almost kiss and freak out in front of him, but then an hour or two later I was fucking with Patrick, and I drank and smoked. Now I have a dress hid under my bed, and a mousetrap to deal with.
I want to cry about my stupid and reckless decisions, but my tears are dry as a fucking desert!
How can I continue to put myself in these situations?
How can I get things back to normal now?
Whenever I take a step forward, somehow it seems that my choices take me back by two steps.
I wondered why I was still letting Patrick into my life. Why did he have such significant power over me?
I felt more and more confused, and the more I thought about the various ways to break this sick cycle, my head looked like it would explode at any moment.
To tried to calm this war inside me, I closed my eyes and tried to meditate a little.
I don't know if it worked or not because when I looked at my clock, it was already ten in the morning. I don't remember falling asleep so fast since I came back, but this was probably the night I slept better since I got home.
But I still didn't feel the strength to deal with Kyle and Marcus or even Patrick today if they showed up at my house or call me or send me a text.
What a mess!
Suddenly I began to hear my mother's voice approaching the door of my room and still another voice that I knew.
“It's just a dream! It's just a dream!" I repeated over and over again for myself.
Then, the voices fell silent, but then I heard someone knocking on the door. I closed my eyes and pretended that I was still sleeping in case someone peeks inside to check on me.
The door opened, I felt a slight twist in my stomach, and I felt a total panic invading my body, my mind drifted away, and all that I could think was.
“Don’t look at the wall! Please, please don’t look at the wall.”
I could hear the footsteps coming in my direction, then someone sat down on the edge of my bed and started touching my hair.
I wanted to avoid having to open my eyes at all costs, but I couldn't put off our conversation much longer.
So I slowly opened my eyes and saw Kyle's face right there in front of me.
I pretended that I was confused by the fact that he was there, but I didn't cease being curious about what brought him here so early morning.
"Good morning," he said with a huge smile and such a peaceful manner.
My heart started to race, and my mind just told me, ‘Neva, send him away, you don't want him here!' My anger wanted to seize me at that exact moment, but I couldn't let that happen. I shook my head to brush away those thoughts and tried to give him my best smile.
"Morning," I tried to stay silent because I didn't want to ask him too many questions, but my big mouth had a lousy sense of opportunity and could not keep quiet; "What are you doing here? What do you want from me?"
Kyle looked at me with wide eyes because he saw that I was going to continue with the attack of the questions, and instead of letting me finish speaking, he placed his index finger over my lips.
"Can you shut up for a few minutes? I just want to talk to you."
What a beautiful way to start the day!
His clothing was more casual since I last saw him at the party last night.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" I asked him roughly with my eyebrow raised.
Kyle sighed and then retorted; "Can we please start over? As if we were meetin
g for the first time?"
What? He can be so crazy sometimes.
I frowned at him, almost jaw-dropping!
"I mean, only if you want to, of course." He adds.
My inner devil was telling me to say "fuck him," to tell him to leave me alone and ever not to talk to me again.
But there was still a small part of me that wanted to attend to his request; maybe it would be good for me to try to have a healthier life. A happier life and I know that Kyle can do it.
I sat up on my bed to look at him properly; "I think… Well, I think I can try to do that..."
But will you be able to live with his suffering if things go wrong? Added my subconscious.
"Great! That's awesome," Kyle's face filled with completely contagious joy.
He was very different from Patrick, but that's better. I didn't want to go back to drinking, or smoking weed; despite being the things, I enjoyed to do.
But with Kyle, the pace of my day could be a lot calmer, and that's what I need.
"Now that we've come to an understanding, could we go out today? I promise you'll like it," He told me with a ripped grin.
"Okay," Why did I agree to that so freaking fast?
"But can you please wait for me downstairs? I need to take a shower first."
"Of course," Kyle gave me a kiss on the forehead as he stood up and when he turned to go to the door his eyes hit that damn wall. His eyes were wide, and I started to panic, I didn't want to talk with him about it or have to answer countless questions about it. But fortunately for me, he didn't ask any questions or look at me with that expression that says, ‘What the fuck is that?' He just left the room.
Then, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. I showered in less than five minutes; I think it's my new record.
This time I also didn't dry my hair, I went to the walk-in closet and picked out a pair of shorts and a yellow t-shirt along with white sneakers. I put my house key in my pocket and my phone in the other, and ran down the stairs, here Kyle was waiting for me nearby the door.
I can't risk my mother talking to him and finding out that I left the party way to soon.
"Kyle—" Oh shit, I was so nervous; "Can we take my car?"
He looked at me a little confused by my request but; "Of course, but I get to drive to not spoil the surprise."
His response caught me off guard, but at least my car was going to get out. It has spent too much time in the garage without seeing the sunlight.
"Okay," I told him.
We left the house and went immediately to the garage.
I threw the keys at Kyle; "You're the first person I let drive him." He looked at me and could not help but smile.
"I promise I'll be careful,"
"I sure hope so, Kyle, this car means a lot to me."
The car had been my grandfather's, who, after he died, passed to my brothers but they didn't want it, and my father intended to sell it. I knew I could not allow this to happen because I remembered every time my grandfather and I went out in that car. The good memories almost made me forget certain things; that's when I decided it had to stay with me; there was no other choice. My grandfather was the best man I've ever known. He took me to the beach, to the theater, and to the bookstores. One time we went to an auction, and he bought me two boxes full of old books. I really loved my grandfather, because he was the only one who could understand me.
We got in, and Kyle looked at me with a particular concern on his face.
"What's up?" I asked, genuinely concerned.
Had he regretted going out with me?
"How do you—" He cleared his throat before continuing. "How do you drive this?" What?
"What the hell do you mean?" Oh shit, does he really not know how to drive a manual?
"You can't drive a manual, can you?" I asked him, trying to contain my laughter.
"Nope," he replied, embarrassed.
I sighed, and since we were still going out, I suggested; "What if we went in your car today?" I cleared my throat before continuing. "If you want, one of these days, I can teach you how to drive a manual."
Kyle sighed with relief, then his whole body relaxed.
We got out of my car, and we went to his. When we got into it, and as soon as he starts the engine, I could not help but ask him.
"Where are we going?" He smiled at me, just saying; "It's a surprise. I told you that!"
chapter eight
I smiled nervously, but at the same time, I felt quite calm with him.
For the rest of the trip, no matter where we went, I just stared at the car window to see all those people going about with their lives.
I used to fantasize about the strangers who pass me by, but now? I don't know if I had the same imagination.
"We're here," he said, cutting off the rest of my reasoning.
So, when I looked forward.
He can only be kidding me; how could he even know that?
I feel so violated right now.
"Why are we here?" I began to feel my stomach turning from the inside out, my legs began to tremble, and my arms followed.
"Well, I know you would like—" He sighed; "You'd like to come here." His face was as white as a sheet of paper, and his eyes filled with panic.
I didn't know if I was even ready to go there again, no matter how much I miss it. It didn't seem right to me.
"We can leave if you want," he assured me with panic in his voice.
What could go wrong? I left all the evil thoughts behind me and moved on with Kyle.
"No, it's fine, I need to face it," I say with some confidence and calm in my voice.
He instantly relaxed as soon as he heard my words and smiled at me.
We get out of the car, and went down to the stairs and headed for the train line.
With each ladder that lowered, my heart began to beat faster. Kyle looked at me and squeezed my hand with a look that screamed, "I'll protect you" I don't even know where he got this ridiculous idea.
"How do you know this?" I asked him with my eyebrow raised.
"Come on, the train is almost here," he hastened.
He let go off my hand and started to run, and I just followed him.
As I got close to the train line, I saw Kyle sit on the bench; on the bench where I sat for hours without ever wanting to leave.
"Come, sit next to me," he said, gesturing to the vacant spot on the bench.
I sat down, and my eyes were frantic to see that place again. It was not always bad to be there, but it was still painful for me to return.
"Close your eyes," he commanded.
I closed them, tried to hear my heartbeat, then felt the ground shake a little, and a few seconds later, I heard the train approaching.
How I missed the noise of the moving train.
But then, my mind just... took off.
I stopped feeling right where I was, and it was like I was
floating. I didn’t feel the cement of the seat in my hands, I didn’t feel the weight of my body, and I didn’t feel Kyle's arm touching mine…
I start to hear a man shoes go down to the stairs; I know this because my father wears them too. Maybe a businessman, or a salesman. His phone rings, and he answered on the second ring. I heard his voice, and there is a trace of fear, nervous, and confusion. Oh god, he's lying to someone. His wife? Girlfriend? Suddenly I can picture the man only try to apologize to the woman with some flowers in his hands… No Neva, this is too soft for you! Ok, I'll try again….
I can picture the man fucking in some chip motel with his mistress, and then his wife showed up with a gun in her hands and kill them both in one second.
That's better, I think!
Fuck I'm back!...
Panic took me by storm, and I opened my eyes.
I looked away, and Kyle was not there anymore. I got up and started looking for him among the dozen people who were leaving the damn train.
I begin to feel the stress of being there, th
e people passing by me, the noise of all the voices started to annoy me.
I began to hyperventilate; my head became dizzy with everything that was happening around me, and my eyes kept on looking for Kyle.
Finally, when all the people were more dispersed; I saw him. His eyes met mine, and I sighed in relief that he had not left me there alone.
I waited for him to approach me because my legs didn't obey my mind and didn't even move to take two steps. Kyle stepped toward me, and as he came up to me…
"I missed you, babe." He leaned over and kissed me. He kissed me so intensely that all of my thoughts left me, and I kissed him back.
I think he knows that this is one little fantasy of my head.
After our kiss had broken, the confusion about what just happened settled back into me; I wanted to fight back.
I wanted to scream at him, but then my eyes met him, and something inside me began to... change.
But still, I didn't feel good enough about what happened, and again, I did not feel ready to commit to him; it was still too early for me.
"What's wrong?" He asked
I shook my head and tried to find the right words to tell him what I wanted, but without hurting him anymore, that was the last thing I wanted!
"Can we..." I let out a heavy sigh. "Take it easy, please?" Somehow, I managed to speak more calmly, without letting the devil inside me take possession of my words.
I admit that I was a bit proud of myself, but to control my emotions to that level still requires a lot of effort on my part. Will he want to continue with me when one day I cannot control myself?
"Of course," he put his hand under my chin lifting my face from under my hair. His eyes penetrated mine; "I really like you, and I'm worried about you. I just want to help you." His voice was so calm, so peaceful... It was as if he were an angel here on earth, and that he decided to come into my life to help me out of the darkness.
Did I deserve everything he said he was willing to do?
"I'm sorry it's just... I want to have you around, but I don't want to hurt you again. If I cannot control myself..."
The tears wanted to break my eyes, and the idea of hurting him, to drive him away from me.