by Lipa Nandes
It didn't make sense to me because I liked him in the past, and I know it's good for me to have him by my side. To help me to stay away from everything that makes me sick, keep me away from my darkest side. But I don't want to hurt him because he is too important to me.
"Hey, I'm not going anywhere unless you ask me, I promise."
"Really?"
"Yes, Neva, I—" He sighed, but did not finish the sentence, he cleared his throat and then said; “Do you want to go to the mall to eat something?" He asks me, rubbing his finger in the hair.
"Yes, I would enjoy that," I say a bit confused by the way he turns off the subject. I wonder what he was going to say before he changed the topic of our conversation.
He took my hand and laced his fingers with mine, I looked at them for a few seconds, and it all seemed so right to me.
We left the train station holding hands and with smiles on our faces, we got into Kyle's car, and we went to the nearest mall.
It was so good to have a day like this without feeling angry, frustrated, or lost!
It was good to have some peace for a change. With Kyle, I could forget the scale of my problems; I could forget Patrick and all my bad choices.
When we got to the mall, Kyle glanced at me, as if there was something wrong with me.
"What is it?" I asked him.
He rolled his eyes; the line of his lips was taut, and I had no clue as to what was happening inside his head.
"It's just... It may not have been a good idea to have come here."
"Why?"
He was silent, and he was getting nervous too, what the hell was going on with him?
"Because," he sighed. "It could be a lot of confusion for you because of the noise, the people..." He looked at me with wide eyes as he ran his hand through his hair to the back of his head.
"Hey, calm down, okay!? "I told him, putting my hands on his shoulders; "I'm fine; seriously, I have to face this."
And with him by my side, it's much easier for me.
"Okay, but please, if you need to leave, please tell me. "
Oh shit, I did not know he had stayed that way because I'd left the party last night, I thought he'd stay just fine.
" Okay, I promise."
After our disagreements were resolved, we get out of the car and walk towards the mall.
I began to act as if all that remained normal for me, as if nothing, absolutely, nothing had changed.
We stopped at a small Italian restaurant.
I love pasta; it is my favorite food. If the world were about to end, I would undoubtedly eat pasta until the end.
Kyle chose a two-seater table, in the corner of the restaurant far away from all the noise and confusion.
He wanted to take care of me so much.
We sat down at the table, and I laid down my cell phone on the table.
The waiter came to give us the menus, but I already knew very well what I wanted.
"I'll have Bolognese pasta with extra sauce and a coke with ice and lemon please." Kyle stared at me a bit embarrassed, but in the end, he ended up asking for the same as me.
The waiter turned his back and left.
I look at Kyle with a smirk on my lips.
"Do you eat carbs now, huh?" He rarely eats carbs, he treats his body like a fucking temple. He's all about salads, and chicken, and healthy boring shits.
Kyle laughs a bit; "Well, today I'll open an exception to my diet. Do you mind if I go to the bathroom?" Kyle asked me with some fear.
"No, of course not." When was he going to start acting more casually?
"Are you cool here?"
"Yes, Kyle, trust me," I told him with a smile.
"Okay, I'll be right back."
He got up from the table, gave me a light kiss on the forehead, and went to the bathroom.
I started to look around the restaurant, and the place had not changed at all. It still had the balcony of turquoise blue wood, and the walls were white and decorated with some photographs of Italy, the tablecloths were still white and red.
It was all as I remembered.
I felt my phone vibrate, pulled me out of my thoughts, I looked at the screen, and my stomach twitched.
I SEE YOU; It was a message from Patrick.
I looked back in panic in search of him, but there was no sign of him within my radius of vision.
He could not see me with Kyle!
It was too risky and dangerous for both of us.
Oh, Fuck! Should I leave? Should I wait for Kyle?
chapter nine
I feel my legs begin to shake under the table, my hands are getting sweaty, and I'm about to lose my mind...
Calm down, Neva! Just breathe; I let out a heavy sigh.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing; I started counting to ten as I tried to calm myself before Kyle showed up.
"You all right?" I hear his voice, and when I open my eyes, I see him crouching to my right side.
I sighed and tried to do my best; "Yeah... It's..." - Breathe - "Yeah, it's just—I'm fine," I shook my head and tried to be calm but knowing that Patrick was around made me insane. I don't know what he's capable of, and worst of all, if he does something in front of Kyle, I don't know how I'm going to react.
My body started to get very hot, and my head was spinning! Fuck!
"Can I hug you!?" He asked me out of the blue.
I looked at him through the corner of my eyes, and I could not help but smile at him.
How can someone as sweet as he wants something with someone like—me?
I pulled the chair away from the table, we got up, and he opened his arms and wrapped me in it.
I could smell the Hugo Boss in his sweater; I could feel his heart rate increasing, and then his hands passed gently through my hair. It was so good to be in that place, and it was as if it was my bubble of protection, it's almost how I feel with Marcus. But with Kyle, the feeling is more intense.
Besides, Marcus is just my best friend, but Kyle is my salvation.
After that hug, we went back to sit down, and a few minutes later the waiter brought our food.
"After lunch, do you want to go to the park or something? I don't know, stretch your legs a little bit?" He asked me.
As much as I wanted to go, today would not be the best day to do it. Besides, I'm starting to feel a little tired of walking around.
“I thought we could go to your house," I said a little depressed. "It's just because I'm a bit tired, that's all," I added.
Kyle looked at me with a half-smile; "Of course, it's okay with me. I just want you to be happy."
"Thank you," I said, touching his hand.
It was so good to have someone who understood my need to isolate myself a little, to guard myself in a corner where there was nothing but peace.
Throughout the lunch, we didn't talk much; we just enjoyed each other's company, and it was a quiet, peaceful, and very relaxed lunch.
At times I even forgot the fact that Patrick could still be around.
Just thinking about it made my skin crawl!
After lunch, in addition to Kyle having made a point of paying the bill, we left the restaurant.
When we left, I looked cautiously in both directions not letting Kyle go the restaurant immediately, when I didn't see Patrick or the rest of the guys, I was able to be a bit calmer and let Kyle out.
We were in the central aisle, and a few yards ahead, I saw him! I saw Patrick right in front of me and with him was Isaac, Ryan, and Miles. They were sitting on the bench!
Oh, shit I'm so fucked right now, I could not go back because that would mean I had to tell Kyle everything, but on the other hand, passing Patrick could trigger a big problem.
What do I do now?
Panic started to set in, stress, nerves, my stomach twisted, my heart started pounding fast; all at the same time!
We are all within the same space and a few feets away; this could not be good!
With each step that
we were getting closer to them, Patrick and the boys got up and advanced toward us.
My head just screamed...
Here it comes! It's happening! Prepare yourself, Neva—Breath!
But at the very moment, they passed us; nothing wrong happened. It was as if they were there to torment me, and I must say that they accomplished just that.
I glanced back to see him move further away from us as I sighed in relief that nothing had happened.
It could have gone badly for both sides, and I wanted to avoid Kyle seeing a side of me that I did not want to show, at all costs.
We finally got to the car safely, and the best of it all is that I was able to control myself when Patrick passed by.
It seems like I'm making some progress, but how long will that last?
The trip home was delightful, the music on the radio was cheerful, there was nothing to do with the songs I usually hear at home, or when I'm with Patrick.
Shit, I'm going to have to talk to him about what happened today, he can't do these things when I'm with someone.
It's very stressful for me, but it seems like he takes some pleasure in doing it, is he testing my limits?
I cannot wait to be with him; I'll kill him!
"You are very quiet, are you sure that everything is okay with you?" Kyle asked.
What would I tell him? The truth?
No, it doesn't seem like a good idea because I don't want to lose him and end up again in Patrick's trap. Either way, I don't think he would understand, it's better not to tell him about this part of my life, he does not have to know, at least for now.
"I'm just tired, Kyle, that's all."
It's so hard for me to lie to him, I wish I could tell these things to someone close to me but doing so is going to cause a lot of pain and hurt, and I don't want that to happen.
"Okay!" He did not seem very convinced by my answer. But that's all I'm going to tell him for now.
"Kyle? Do you know what we could do when we get to your house?"
Kyle looked at me from the corner of his eye. "No, what do you have in mind?"
"Well, since it's sunny, we could pick up a blanket, lay it out on the grass under the big tree in your backyard, and then we'd both lie in the shade."
I looked at him, waiting for an answer.
"Sounds good to me," a big smile appeared, and my heart quickly warmed with that smile.
"Actually, it's an excellent idea." He added. Not only was he eager to get to his house but how to enjoy it in the enormous shadow of that tree.
I never understood why Mrs. Gladys didn't do the same. Because she liked to spend much of her time in the back of the house.
The journey did not last much longer than twenty minutes, and when I looked ahead, already, the green gates of Kyle's house were opening.
How long must I have stayed in my thoughts?
I shook my head and tried to smile and enjoy his company.
After Kyle turned off the car, I got on my phone to see if Patrick had sent me any more messages. Fortunately for me, he hadn't.
However, I will still talk to him, and sometime today.
"Is everything all right?" Kyle asked me.
"Yup... I was just checking if my mother called me or something." I lied again. How I hate lying to him...
We got in the house, but Kyle's parents were not around. "Get going out there; I'll meet you outside."
"I need to go to the bathroom first," I told him.
"Okay, it's the first door on the left after you pass the kitchen."
The nerves came back to invade me, was I acting right with Kyle? I thought on the way to the bathroom.
I washed my hands and my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror.
‘'You deserve it!'' My subconscious said.
I left the bathroom, and as I passed the kitchen again, Kyle was waiting for me with a half-smile on his face.
"What is it?"
"Nothing, Neva, come on."
"Okay!" He grabbed my hand and guided me to the back of the house.
When we got outside, the blanket was laid under the tree, there was a small column of sound and two cushions. Then he looked at me as he lay down on the blanket.
"Come, lie down beside me," he instructed me.
So, I did, I laid down beside him with my head on his chest, Kyle does not take too long to pick up the phone and told me in jest.
"I discovered the perfect song for you," he told me.
"A song?" My sarcastic tone could not get very disguised in my voice.
"Listen carefully,"
A funny little melody started, I had never heard anything like it before, the sound began to come out of the spine and invade my ears, it was a quiet song, then the singer started to sing! His voice was young, melodious, and it made me feel so good. "What's the name of this group," I asked him, lifting my head and looking at him.
"Dayglow,"
"And the music?" I asked him then.
"Hot Rod, do you like the song?"
That kind of music was not at all top of my musical choices, but the change is that it's exploring new things until you find some that make you feel good.
"I like it very much! Thank you," I said with a full smile.
I loved to be there; the day was warm; there was a little breeze passing through us and the sound of the sea.
Everything around us was just perfect! That spot was now one of my favorites!
I liked to feel cherished by Kyle, and he was so sweet and kind to me, I definitely do not deserve him!
"Yellow?" He pulled me out of my deepest thoughts, and I must confess that I was astonished that he had called me that name, it had been a long time I was called by that name! It was weird to hear him say it because he always called me Neva or Clark but rarely Yellow!
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you a question?" I sat next to him so that I could look directly at him, I let out a small sigh, and in my mind, my neurons shouted: "He knows about Patrick!"
Oh fuck, if it's that shit, how the hell am I supposed to explain?
" Of course!" I answered with a voracious fear in my voice.
"What's wrong with the wall of your room?"
Suddenly I felt every muscle in my body begin to calm down, to become less tense because he wanted to know about that?
That damned wall has to get out! I mean not in a literal way, but it must change!
I swallowed, was I nervous because I did not know how he would react?
But I guess he would have to know sooner or later.
chapter ten
"Well..." I sighed; "it's a bit complicated to explain to you, but I'll try..." I cleared my throat, my head began to ask me too many questions, and before I lost my nerves, my mouth had already started to move!
"I always wanted to be a writer, but I had a lot of trouble writing, you know. It was as if my words didn't come out the way I wanted." Oh my God, I'm really having this conversation with him – "so my mother thought it would be best for me to have creative writing classes as an extracurricular activity in high school."
"With Mr. Lewis, right?" He interrupted.
"Yes, with Mr. Lewis, why?" I asked him.
"Because he was fired after you were..." he cleared his throat. "After you left school."
Why did Marcus not tell me? I didn't know Mr. Lewis had been fired!
"Oh! I did not know that…" I don't want to think about him now, and before the courage disappear; "I had classes with him, but everything I wrote was never good enough to be a bestseller, and so I started to get completely obsessed with writing more and more... Until one day I stopped eating, sleeping, leaving home. I lived for writing and nothing more."
I let out a big sigh of relief, despite not having told him the whole truth, he just needed to know this, nothing else!
This is was a hard time for me because, when I did all this obsessive writing thing, Kyle was a high focus mode on the essays to college, and then, I lost myself for Patrick's
world, and I forget about mine.
When I looked at him, his eyes were wide.
He was quiet for a few minutes; I think he must have been confused by what I said.
But so far, I still cannot believe what I just told him.
"And do you always believe what he told you?" He asked me.
"Of course, I believed, why should I not?"
Kyle looked at me with an indecipherable look; it was as if he wanted to say something to me but was afraid to say it.
"So that's why you liked to go to the train station? Or to the tunnels with the headphones in your ears?"
My heart began to pound, and my stomach turned inside out, my head started to whirl in the face of that attack of questions and anger hit my eyes!
If he says one more word, I will explode!
"Was it to inspire you to write?" Is he mocking me?
Calm down Neva; please be calm.
"Shut up, please just shut up!" I yelled at him.
The fury took over me, and my aggression was already locked in my fist!
This is was the combination of all that has happened today. First in the train station, then Patrick passes by us in the mall, and now this?
This is too much for me in one day.
What am I doing? Shit!
I got up; I could not stay there anymore. I had to leave!
"Neva, wait!" I heard him calling me from behind.
What did he think was going to happen? That I would stand there ready to answer any question?
This doesn't work for me!
I walked faster and faster to get away from him; at this point, I was afraid of myself, and I honestly feared what I might say or do.
Upon reaching the front door, Kyle was still able to grab me by the wrist and make me look at him.
"I'm sorry, Neva, okay!" His eyes were covered with regret, but still, I felt the urge to leave
"Kyle, please let me go," my eyes begged him to let me go, I just needed to be alone right now.
Please, Kyle, let me breathe.
He let go of my wrist and opened the door for me, and I left the house with tears.
With anger at myself for what I said, the way I acted around him. I knew I had blown it with him, and even more confident he would never want to talk to me at all.