by Lipa Nandes
The green gates opened in front of me and when it was no longer possible for him to see me, my tears began to flow, my breath was out of control, and nothing else crossed my mind but to call Marcus, and then I remembered that at this point, I cannot trust my actions or my words.
I went home to think about everything that has happened to me in these weeks.
First, it was those three days of writing without stopping, then Marcus was pissed at me over that, then it was Kyle moving in next to my house and also showing up there, then that damn party and the night with Patrick!
Oh, shit. My choices since I came home were not the best!
And then to brighten up my day, Kyle decided to show up in my room in the morning, drag me to the station, then thought it would be nice to come and have lunch, and once again Patrick showed up!
And now this, what a mess!
How am I supposed to handle it all at the same time? I'm going crazy, and I can't even think clearly!
I get home, and go straight to my room; I need to be alone, and I need to calm down.
I climb the stairs as fast as I can, so no one will see me, and unfortunately for me, my mother is in the hallway.
Please, mother, not now; I thought to myself.
I sensed she was going to speak, and as I approached her…
"Not now Martha," she already knows that when I call her Martha, it's a sign that the best thing she has to do is get away from me.
I entered the room, slammed the door, and let out a huge scream!
I wanted to take all the anger inside me and release it, and maybe doing so would be better for me than treating the people I like, badly as what happened with Kyle!
Then I lay down on the bed; the weight of my body seemed to be even more massive.
What do I do?
I don't know how this happened, but when I opened my eyes, Tom was sitting on my bed calling for me.
"What are you doing here?" I looked at him still a little sleepy and confused.
I had not noticed yet how tired I was, and it was not just because I was sleepy, but because of everything.
I was mentally drained.
"Mom asked me to come and call you to dinner with us." He was silent, then broke it; "You and Kyle, huh!?"
What, how the hell does he know?
Oh my God, I'm sick of this bullshit. I just want peace!
"Well—" I sighed, "I don't know, Tom, I don't feel like I am what Kyle wants, it's the best for both of us if I stay away from him, you know?" He raised his eyebrow, and he had no idea what I was talking about. "It doesn't seem right to be with him..."
I looked up at my brother and the tears, without me realizing it, ran down my face. "I'm broken, Tom!"
He came to my side and still with some fear, he hugged me. My mind tells me: What the hell he thinks he's doing? But I completely ignored that thought because I didn't even know where to go next, or who I could talk to, or who I could count on.
This is much harder than what I was thinking!
My bedroom door opened thundering, and we both jumped.
"Why are you taking so long? I'm hungry..." Owen grunted! Tom and I looked at each other, and we could not help but let out a small laugh.
"Of course you are! You're always hungry," Tom concluded with a deeper chuckle!
Maybe I should give them a second chance...
We left my room and went into the dining room. When we entered, my parents' jaws dropped when they saw us together, but despite the surprise and the exchange of looks between them, they chose not to say anything.
I sat down among my brothers, and in front of my parents. I could not help but find it strange that I was having dinner with them. It was sporadic for me to do it since I back home.
I think I got used to being always alone...
My mother serves me a plate of, food, and I noticed that she was shaking a little.
Is my family so afraid of me? Of my attitudes? Do I hurt all the people around me?
At the same time, she put the plate in front of me, I looked at her and calmly, with some kindness in my voice said, "Thank you."
She looked at me in shock, my father immediately put the wine bottle on the table and tried to decipher what he had heard. Tom gave me a small smile and Owen continued to eat, typical of him.
After this small family shock, we began to eat in silence. I don't know; I think there was not much I could say compared to my brothers.
"So, Neva, did you have fun yesterday at Kyle's party?" My mother asked me.
I cannot believe she spoke to me! I was just nice to her, but that doesn't mean that we are best friends now.
I still have not forgotten what she did to me!
My hand closed tightly around the fork, my inner devil wanted to get out and make some damage, but my subconscious and my brother Tom didn’t let it happen.
Tom looked at me with a friendly look that said to me, without even uttering a single word, "you can do it."
I took a deep breath and visualized myself, answering my mother's question calmly and non-aggressively.
"It was fun!" Little did she know I'd left that party too soon and had been with Patrick!
That reminded me... I cannot forget to talk to him about what he did today.
Suddenly, the idea that I had to face him began to make me tense and nervous, but now is not the time for that.
chapter eleven
I regret so much that I went to that damn party. Patrick would never know that I had returned home If I hadn’t gone.
Stupid party! Stupid Facebook!
Urgh!
"Are you and Kyle together again?" My mother asks me.
At that moment, my eyes widened, my anger began to move inside me, and I tried to fight it. My mother kept looking at me with a stupid smile on her face, and I was waging the Third World War inside me.
Tom noticed that I've started to get angry by the agitation of my leg under the table. To avoid a greater evil, Tom puts his hand on my leg.
"Mom, I don't think Neva wants to talk about it right now," He said, gritting his teeth. I looked at him, though a little nervous about thanking him for the support, unfortunately, my mother, doesn't know when to stop.
"I'm just saying this because they look so good together and because she seems to be happy with him."
My mind stopped listening; I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I tried to count to ten, but my ears couldn't escape the small things that were being said.
"Neva knows what's best for her," Tom replies.
"And Kyle's the best she can have, can you not see that?" Martha's voice starts to echo inside my head.
One, two, three... I began the count again, and at the same time, my hand tightened around the fork.
"I'm warning you, you better not get involved in this, no one knows what she feels now," Tom defended me again.
The heat inside me began to rise more and more to the point of being unbearable. I let out a big sigh, but it didn't help much!
"Shut up!" I shouted, "Jesus! Do you mind if you stop talking about me like I'm not here?"
I lost it! I could feel the red on my cheeks. I was already getting fed up and tired of my mother's things, although she didn't talk to me much, when she spoke, it seemed to stir up this anger within me.
"You really don't know when to stop, do you?" I continued my rage against her! "Why can't you just shut up when I'm telling you something? Why do you insist on pretending that everything is—" I let out a big sigh, "normal!?"
I got up from the table, and the chair fell behind me, I couldn't stay in that room anymore, not with her!
I had to get out of there!
My brothers and my father were silent because, I don't know, maybe because they didn't want to make things worse, but my mother makes me furious, she doesn't even know when to stop talking!
"But sweetheart," oh no! You do not dare call me that.
I stopped walking. Don't do anything Neva, please, said my su
bconscious.
I turned to her, and it was as if I had been blinded with rage.
"Do NOT call me that, are you crazy?" I shouted at her.
My face was hot, and I bet it was very red too because I was furious! This woman never takes me seriously.
"If you wouldn't have abandoned in that fucking place... If you really care about me... You don't know how it was for me to be there all alone." I started to get nervous and unable to control myself. "You don't have the right to be my mother anymore." I shout!
Tom got up from the table with a menacing glare at my mother to see if she would shut up.
When he got close to me, he put his hands on my shoulders.
"Go upstairs, try to calm yourself, okay! I'll take your dinner." It seemed that my brother was the only one who could understand me. Seemed to be the only one who could deal with me and my shit. I listened to him, wiped my tears with my wrists, and went up to my room.
As much as I tried to control these impulses, I think in a way, it's them who controls me.
This is all killing me!
As I climbed the stairs to my room, there were several suggestions that my devil makes to me so I can forget these things, but I cannot make the same mistake, I cannot do it again!
I went into my room and stood by the door. I looked around, and I don't identify with this place anymore, nor with these people. My home is not here!
Then my eyes stopped at that damn wall, then they headed toward the desk and finally the three bookshelves I had filled with books beside the desk. I approached the wall and stared at all those words I had written, all that should be what made me happy, was now my greatest torment!
The anger returned, the hurt, the fury, the aggression, all the revolt inside me left...
I started tearing the sheets off the wall and tearing them apart, I threw all the things I had on my desk to the floor, I broke the pens, threw the laptop against the wall, and when I thought it could not get any worse; "Those books, all those books lied to me and made me believe that I could one day write like them," I screamed at them as loud as I could, and then my rage against them made me want to destroy them.
I started throwing them towards nowhere, I tried, even in vain, to rip those that caused me the most heartache! At last, when I began to calm down a little, I felt my breath catching my mouth completely dry, I looked again at the room that now had an immense track of destruction!
I felt a little relieved, but still, I think it was missing something so that I could stay in peace or forget all of this!
Don't Neva; you don't need it. I shook my head to throw that thought against the wall.
My brother Tom, who must have heard my screams and all the noise, was the only warrior who dared to come to my room!
His eyes widened when he saw what I did to my room! There were torn sheets and books everywhere; my laptop had the whole exterior shattered.
My room was a war zone where no one felt safe.
Tom couldn't get out from under the doorway, so he just stood there trying to figure out what the hell went down in here or why I did it. But the words could not get out of his mouth, and I already had other plans inside my head.
"I need to get out of here," I told him as I passed him with an exhausted release of air, I was completely off the tracks!
I went downstairs, went outside, and got in my car.
"FUCK!" I screamed. This anger ingrained inside me made me a person I no longer knew. I clenched my teeth and hit with my hands on the wheel, and before I left, I called Miles, I really needed him! I needed to forget this episode, and I needed to erase it from my memory!
After two rings, he finally answered my call; "Who is it?" He asked gruffly.
"It's me, Neva," I can't believe what I'm about to do!
"Oh, Clark, hi!" He sounded a little confused by my call, "What's going on?"
Before I answered, I let out a huge sigh. "I need some weed, or alcohol or something! Do you have anything with you?"
What the hell am I doing? I can hardly believe I said that!
He laughed, but after realizing that I was serious; "Yes, I have some with me. Wait, what's going on? Why did you call me instead of calling Patrick?"
Goddammit Miles, shut up!
"Where are you? I'll meet you. Then I'll explain everything to you, I promise!" I was desperate, and I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible before I lost my nerve!
"I'm at Zamperini, I've just finished my shift," he explained.
"Okay, stay there, I'll come to you."
I immediately unplugged my phone and tossed it into the passenger seat, I opened the gates of my house and sped off with my car, and almost ran over Kyle, who had come to my house for some reason.
I drove as fast as I could, and for a few moments, I forgot that it didn't take time to acclimate, but, driving is like riding a bicycle, it's something you never forget how to do.
As soon as I got to the main door of the airport, Miles was sitting at the end of the sidewalk waiting for me, I stopped the car next to him and flashed my high beams to signal him to enter.
As soon as he got in, and before sitting down, he gave me my cell phone, which I ended up putting in the glove compartment.
"What's the urgency, Clark?" He asked me.
"I just need—" I was too agitated to speak, "I just need to forget everything," I told him, letting out a more profound sigh!
I was getting more and more exhausted, more tired of this confusion that started with the simple fact that I went to that party!
Why can't I ever do anything right?
He looked at me without saying much; "Okay, so you have somewhere you want to go?"
I shook my head, because not only did I not have a place I wanted to go, but I couldn't speak much more.
If only I could disappear..!
"What if we go to my house?" He asked me a little hesitantly!
"No, not your house, Pat's there, and I don't want to see him right now!"
Although that was true, I still had not forgotten what he did at the mall!
"Actually, Pat doesn't get off his shift for two hours, so—" I looked at him, and I just ripped off to his house.
chapter twelve
I didn't know Patrick was working.
Apparently, there was a lot I didn't know. There are too many things that had happened in my absence.
"Since when do you work at the airport?" I asked him, breaking the silence in the car and looking at him through the corner of my eyes.
"Almost a year. We had to find an alternative to our old spot, you know."
"Makes sense," I told him, feeling a little lost!
"You know it was Patrick who got the idea of living in the same house?"
What? Why would Patrick want to live with them? What did they know that I didn't?
My mind began to grow restless, impatient, and thirsty for more information. I didn't even have the notion of how things had really changed since I left!
"Why did he do it? Or rather, why did you do it?"
"First, our spot was demolished. Second, I think he did it because I don't know, maybe because he was expecting you to come back."
My head started spinning, maybe this was not the best time for me to know these things because, well, you never know how dangerous it can be to drive and hear things that can disturb you!
None of this makes sense, because, Patrick it's... Just Patrick and he don't do this kind of things!
I kept quiet for the rest of the trip, but my mind already had a list of questions to ask when we got to the boys' house.
But still, I couldn't understand why he did what he did, Pat was not like that, and I knew him well enough to know that he is not the kind of guy who'd wait for a girl.
He would just move on, and that's it!
Why was it different with me? Why am I thinking about these things in the first place?
This is ridiculous!
I parked the car in front of the hous
e, we got out off of the car, and I waited behind Miles for him to open the door.
That house gives me shivers, it was dark, untidy, was a strongly smelled of weed and had only the furniture necessary to be able to live there.
"You really have to clean this house," I told him, as I ran the tip of my finger on a sideboard in the hallway.
"Yeah, we know, but we're guys, we don't clean," he told me, with a sly grin. But I could tell he was kidding, most of the time you can't take what he says seriously, he's very relaxed and very playful.
Maybe that's why I liked him, and perhaps that's still it, that's what makes me enjoy talking to him.
We walked into the living room, and I sat in the same spot I sat in when I came in the other night. Miles went into the kitchen, and I could hear him open the cabinets doors, maybe looking for something to eat.
When he came to my side, he had in his hand a bottle of Jack and two glasses, and the backpack is still in his shoulders.
He set the bottle and the glasses on the coffee table between the two sofas, which, until now, I still didn’t know what color they would be. He took the backpack from his shoulder and from inside took the shrouds, tobacco, weed and a lighter.
"What are you doing?" I asked as I watched him undo a cigarette into the palm of his hand.
"What do you think? You know you still should not smoke a pure one, you're just out of rehab!" He answered me looking at me through his shoulder.
What the hell is he talking about? Why is he so worried?
"But then you will ruin the weed, you know?"
"Clark, do not argue with me," He looked at me very seriously this time.
"Okay." I reply.
I stay still and stared at Miles while he is doing the joint. And in my mind, I really know this is not what I want, but, it's something that could help me to erase all the shit in my life, and that's is what I need and want for now.
After the joint was done, he lit it and then began to pour some Jack into both glasses.
"You and I, let's relax a bit, let's enjoy this weed and our whiskey and let's talk like we used to do before." I looked at him with my eyebrow raised.
He always did this to me when something was not right with me; "Or we may not talk about anything. However, you like Clark."