by Lipa Nandes
I was quiet for a few minutes, trying to figure out if I really wanted to know what was going on and what had changed during the time I was away.
"Why do you think Patrick would be waiting for me?" I asked him a little hesitantly. Would I really want to know? Was it that important to me? I know everything has an explanation, but did I really want to hear what it was?
"You really don't know anything, do you?" He asked me in a tone of voice a little... cautious, perhaps.
"What is there to know?"
"Do you really want to know? Are you ready to hear everything?"
"Yes, Miles, just tell me right now!" I was freaking out. I couldn't keep in the dark in this mess... I really need some clarity in my life, for once!
This shit could not be good, to Miles tries to hide this shit from me!
What else could come to torment me even more?
Why can't I have a completely normal life?
"First, please do not kill the messenger, okay?" His voice is low now, and his eyes have some sadness behind.
I sighed, I was tired of waiting for him to begin to say what the hell had happened. My leg began to shake, I put my hand to my head, brushing my hair behind my ear.
I hate it all!
"Well, after you were gone, Patrick was completely desperate looking for you, he went to your school to try to talk to Mr. Lewis, you know they know each other, right?"
I nodded at him.
Of course, I knew that. It was that prick who introduces me to Patrick in the first place. Without him, I never have met Patrick, but then, I never found out the way he makes me escape for my miserable life.
"When he saw him, he asked him about you right away, Mr. Lewis tried to run away, but Patrick was blinded by his rage, completely blind. He couldn't control himself when he didn't answer, and he ended up punching Mr. Lewis right there." Miles put the joint between his lips and pull harder this time.
This was a lot worse than what I thought it was going to be, it's not that he didn't deserve to be punched, but I never thought Patrick or anyone else had the guts to do it.
"When he left school, he saw your friend, you know, the one who always walks with you?"
"Marcus!?"
Oh no, what did he do to him? Marcus had nothing to do with it!
"Yes, he was in the parking lot when Patrick asked him about you, and he said that he would never tell where you were, that he only hurt you and you deserved better than Patrick. Patrick, with all the rage of not knowing where you were, began to fight with him. Although your friend knew how to defend himself, he still ended up with a broken nose!"
Oh my God, why did he not tell me any of this? Why nobody told me about it. What about Patrick? Who does he think he is to hit Marcus? What the hell was going on in his head?
It's because of this that I'm going to kill him, I'm going to tear his head off!
I took the joint out of Miles' hand and started smoking, then I filled my glass and started drinking more than I was supposed to!
I started thinking about everything Miles told me, and I started thinking about everything that my family didn't tell me when I arrived.
I'm surrounded by liars, why did they hide things from me? Why?
I started to feel so angry, with so much hatred for everyone, especially Patrick. That son of a bitch.
Who does he think he is? How he dare hit Marcus.
"Clark? Are you okay?" He asks me, touching my leg.
I feel my eyes field with anger and rage, and... Shit!
My head starts to spin, and my body was invaded by... By some shit that I can't handle anymore.
"I don't know, why didn't anyone tell me? Why didn't you tell me? I thought that you had no secrets from me!" I say to Miles with anger!
I expect this kind of behavior from everyone, except Miles. He's always been very transparent with me since the day I met him.
"Hey, I'm sorry, okay? I don't get into Patrick's shit. I shouldn't have told you anything, I don't think Patrick wanted you to know about it, but I knew I had to tell you!"
"Why wouldn't he want me to know?! Why you don't tell me this sooner?"
He looked at me with awe in his eyes, and some uncertainty in his voice, as if he had something else to tell me, but he didn't want to, or he could not!
"He really didn't tell you anything, did he?" He let out a stifled smile and looked away from me.
This time it was Miles who took the joint out of my hand. He smoked it to the end, and I just stood there waiting for him to tell me that there was yet to be said.
I didn't ask any kind of questions because I didn't know what to ask, I didn't even know if I wanted to know the rest, but I also knew I couldn't be left in the dark.
"Miles?" I said, looking at him through the corner of my eyes.
"No, Clark," he let out a heavy sigh, reached forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I will not tell you anything else. Okay. I'm sorry, but Patrick has to do it."
"Why?" I screamed at him.
Miles got up from the sofa, ran his hand through his hair to the back of his neck, then looked at me confused as to whether or not he should tell me everything.
I was starting to lose my patience, and I was starting to get really upset about it all. I don't know how much longer I can control myself, my hands closed into a fist, and I didn't know how far my blindness could take me.
The moment I stood up to urge Miles to speak, I heard the sound of the main door open, my heart started beating fast, and I just prayed it was not Patrick coming in.
The footsteps were heard along the corridor, every second closer to me, my anger grew louder and louder, and when the steps stopped.
Oh shit! I totally got out of control!
chapter thirteen
I advanced toward Pat, who was in shock and surprised to see me there. I don't know where I got my strength, but I was undoubtedly going to cause some damage.
As soon as I reached him, I didn't let him speak at all, I slapped him with my palms on his chest and then punched him on the lip.
"What the fuck did you do?!" I shouted at him as loudly as I could. "You motherfucker..."
I want to continue with my assault against him, but at that moment, I felt Miles grab me by my waist and lead me out to the living room!
My breathing and my mind were completely out of control. I didn't know if I would be able to calm myself down.
I was being consumed by it all!
"What the fuck is going on with you, Clark?" He asks me while he puts me on the floor! I start pacing back and forth in the kitchen, I hate Patrick so much at this moment!
"Shut up, Miles please," I say to him crying. I was not crying out of sorrow, no, I was crying with rage. Anger for Pat got into who shouldn't, that prick!
Oh my gosh, I want so bad to kill that bastard!
He doesn't even dare to come to the kitchen if so I will cut him into pieces!
"Hey, you have to calm down okay. I think you should go talk to him! To clear up everything, you know."
"You're fucking kidding me?" I looked at him breathlessly. "He deserved what I did to him, and it wasn't much worse because you fucking grabbed me," I say, pointing my finger at him.
"I know he deserved Clark, better than anyone, but still, you need to give him a chance to explain everything."
I tried to calm myself down because I start to feel intense pain in my chest as if he were being crushed, and then what did he mean by; "I know he deserved Clark, better than anyone, but still, you need to give him a chance to explain everything."
If he has so much to tell me why he did not tell me when he had the opportunity to do it?
Is it so bad for him to tell me that he's afraid or something?
"I'll call him—" Miles begin to say, but, I know that is better if I go alone to talk to Patrick.
"No, let me go alone. I'll go look for him and then we'll talk." I interrupted!
Miles put his hand on my shoulders and with a slightly f
rightened look; "Try to hear him, and don't freak out again."
What he asked me was extremely difficult because, whenever I remembered what he had done to Marcus.
What the hell is going on in this house? What the hell he is hidden from me?
Calm down, breathe! I told myself!
I left the kitchen and went into the living room, the last place where I had seen him, but he was not there, so I went down the hall, and I want to peer out the window, which was next to the main door, to see if his car was still there, but before I even did it, I started to hear the sound of the tap water upstairs, so I went upstairs.
When I reach the top of the stairs, the bathroom light came out through the half-closed door.
Every step I took, I got more and more nervous, but I have to be calm, I need to try to understand what happened. Only then I can move on and get rid of all this shit!
I opened the bathroom door and saw Pat leaning over the sink and cleaning the blood on his lip.
Oh shit, I never thought I'd hit him so hard...
"Pat," I said in a trembling voice. He looked at me through the corner of his eyes and without a bit of anger or hurt;
"What do you want?" He asks me with a gray towel over his lip.
"Can we talk?" I was so afraid of his response or that he would close the bathroom door in my face.
How am I going to solve this mess? I'm so fucking crazy that I lost the notion of my own acts.
"You should have asked me this before—" He told me showing me the cut I'd done to his lower lip.
FUUUUCKKKK.....
"I'm sorry," I told him sincerely!
"Let's go to my room." He instructed me.
He shut the door behind me, and then; "It takes a lot of nerves to come and talk to me after what you did to me," he said with some resentment now in his voice and close the door behind me.
"I'm sorry, I just..." I sighed. "Miles told me what you did to Marcus, and I had an argument with my mother." Tears broke my eyes and ran down to my face.
I sat down on the edge of the bed. I rested my elbows on my knees and resting my head on my hands. I was so desperate to want to understand everything, but at the same time, I don't want to know anything and that it would be best for me to be in the dark this time! "I just want to try to figure it all out," I say between sobs.
Pat sat down beside me, put his arm around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder. I did not know what else to do, it was all so confusing.
A minute ago, I wanted to kill him, and now, I'm here with my head on his shoulder, trying to understand his actions. I am a really fucked-up person!
"Do you really want to know what happened?" He asked me in a muffled voice.
"Yes, I really want to know!"
"And you'll believe me?" I lifted my head and looked toward him, he was utterly downcast, crawling on the possibility that I did not believe him or do anything worse.
I know it doesn’t seem that the more I try to change and make my days get better, fate folds me again with these confusions and problems to solve.
"Of course I'll believe you, why wouldn’t I?"
"Because I don't know what your family and Kyle told you about me,"
Wait? What? Do Patrick and Kyle know each other? What the hell happened at all?
I expected everything but this. This is so much worse than I thought... And just to consider the other day in the mall, I was going through the fact of what could happen.
After all, they know each other!
How deep must be the hole of lies of my family?
They only hid a large part of the things that happened in my absence that I liked to have known, maybe this way they avoided other things!
"What? You know Kyle? Why the hell didn't you tell me that before?" I asked him completely in disbelief at all this!
Actually, I'm shocked by all of this.
"How far did Miles tell you?" He looked at me with a look so sad and so dark at the same time.
"To the point where you hit Marcus,"
"Oh shit, so there's still plenty to tell you!"
"We have the whole night, Pat!" I said to him with a half-smile, although a little erased, but still...
"Well," he sighed, "after I left your school, I went straight to your house because I needed to talk to your parents! As much as they don't like me, and as much as I don't like them, I really needed to know where you were! "
I don't like to see him like this, downcast, down, down! It hurts me to see him like this, especially when he really missed me and did everything to find me!
Oh my God, what am I going to do now!?
"Why did you want to know where I was? I thought!" I didn't finish that sentence, I was afraid of what my words could mean.
"Is not that obvious Clark," Oh fuck! "I love you!" His voice
almost disappeared the moment he said those words!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Why, God, why? Why is this happening to me? That's not what I asked for!
Fuck!
I stared at him with my eyes wide, jaw-dropping, and with some confusion in my head!
"What the fuck, Patrick? You can only be kidding me..." I told him angrily getting out of bed, this couldn't at all happen to me. I'm not the kind of girl someone falls in love for. I can't stand this kind of relationships. I can't give him something that I don't have!
Fuck! Goddammit Patrick of all people in the fucking world, you could not have done this to me!
My brain is in a real war trying to figure out what it's going to do with all that Patrick told me, plus his love statement to me! How I am going to face my parents, Kyle and Marcus? And probably my brothers as well.
I'll go freak out with them? Or did it's best to ignore them?
I just can't ignore them! We live in the same fucking house!
I'm lost right now, and worst of all is that I have no one to talk to.
All of this seems to be such a big and crazy mess.
"Clark you were the only girl with whom been made me feel complete, you know, you made me feel things I never thought I would feel for someone else! You are my possibility to be better, to want more. You are my happiness."
How can a boy like him tell me such things so beautiful and so painful at the same time? What it's supposed I do with that?
"After your family didn't tell me anything and almost beat the fuck up, Kyle, I knew I had to do something for you when you came back one day! That's why I started working at the airport, I convinced Miles to do the same, and then this house came along, and I knew I had to have a safe place to stay when I found you!" His words are like knives for me. I don't want to hurt him, because I really can't give him what he wants from me. I'm not suitable for anyone!
But, for the other hand, I could not help but feel a little relieved to know that someone actually missed me, but this?
The "I love you" thing? What do I do with that?
I started pacing back and forward to try to organize and clean my head, but this was harder than I thought.
From my point of view, I had two choices; I accepted the fact that Patrick loved me and tried a more serious relationship with him, like boyfriends, or I could leave that moment and never look at him again.
But then how would I feel if I did that? I know I need to have someone by my side to help me sort through the mess I am, but is Pat the right person?
Well, he's the one who's been looking for me, he's missed me, and most of all, he loves me. So if he feels this way about me, he's not going to hurt me, unlike Kyle who never tried to contact me or go see me and hide crucial things from me, like how he knows Pat for example. This inside my head is crazier than what I thought it would be.
chapter fourteen
I looked at him, and I could imagine myself every day beside him, although I did not love him, I think I could learn to do it or that in time my feelings for him would change, but would it be best for me?
Pat's head was lent on the floor as if he'd been def
eated by his own words, though, I do not like to see him like this and that maybe he can even make me happy and help me move forward with my life.
I closed the space between us, coming up to him, kneeling down so I could meet his eyes.
I put my hands over his face, and incredible as it may seem, my mouth knew precisely what to say, unlike my mind.
"I think we could try," I told him with the uncertainty of how we were going to make it work out between us. I have not the slightest idea of what it's like to be in a relationship like this, I've never looked for it.
With Kyle, it was just something meaningless! I think we both liked the idea of being more than friends, but that was only because so much as our families and the people at school tried to put us together.
Pat got up and pulled me to him by my wrists, he lifted me up, and I put my legs around his waist. His eyes met mine, and the next second, he kissed me. I felt his tongue against mine, and I drifted into that mixture of feelings and confusion that was happening.
Pat laid me on the bed, putting the weight of his body on mine. He kissed me so intensely, with desire, with so much despair for me, to have me. I could hardly breathe, but I think it was good to have someone feel that way about me.
He broke our kiss by immediately taking off my shirt, I followed his hint and took his. His hands began to run through my body, his kisses spread across the line of my chest as he unclenched my pants.
What the hell am I doing? I thought!
I shook my head to ward off any thought that might intrude between us.
Then he looked at me; "Stay with me tonight, please, I need you."
I can not stay the night away from home, I thought, but otherwise, I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to see anyone, they lied to me, and they hid a lot of things from me.
I was so fucked up with all of them that the idea of spending the night with Pat seemed to me to be just perfect.
That's why I replied; "Okay!"
His eyes covered with contagious happiness that transpired to his smile. He kissed me again, but this time the kiss was slower, with more feelings, I guess!