Of Gods & Grunts

by Kyrell Kendrick

  Anschlag definitely meant charge because the gnomes broke their defensive stance and screamed in wild terror.

  It was cute in a barbaric sort of way. Gnomes have higher-pitched voices naturally, but their bravado was not to be underestimated. They ran hard.

  I put my laser on the center of the enemy shield wall and let out five rounds as fast as I could. I dropped two of the guards.

  It was all I could do because the gnomes crashed with a heavy thud into the enemy.

  The sounds of fighting ensued, and although the gnomes were considerably smaller, they had the numbers, the maneuverability, and the will.

  My shots did more good than I realized, as I saw the gnomes take advantage of the opening. They poured through the center and quickly enveloped the enemy.

  They offered no quarter. Hammers slammed into knees, just to rebound into a face.

  I saw a gnomish axe go straight up the center of a pikeman. I gasped at the shot. Taking an axe to the balls was just not a good way to go.

  Within a couple of minutes, it was over.

  “Verbessern!” Glory Beard called.

  The gnomes immediately went back to an organized fighting force.

  The sounds of moans and groans filled the night.

  I popped down through the roof and said, “Let’s go!”

  We rushed outside, leaving the scared family behind.

  The elves took up a diamond formation around me, and I made it forward.

  “The archers will gather arrows,” Elly said.

  I nodded as we shuffled toward the rear of the gnome ranks.

  We walked over so many bodies.

  Human and gnome alike laid blood-soaked and broken upon the cobbles.

  The smell of piss, shit, and blood almost overwhelmed me.

  I had seen death before, but not that many bodies in a single place.

  I counted at least twenty gnomes were out. Not all were dead, but many would never walk or hold a weapon again.

  The gnomes that we passed looked tired and weak. They didn’t look angry or sad that we were leaving them behind. They understood that the fight was not finished.

  Elly saw my eyes and said, “We can come back to them after,” she said, and then corrected herself, ”We will come back to them.”

  Glory Beard knew we were behind the element, which numbered only around one hundred fifty gnomes. He didn’t have a rear guard. Instead, his forces were arrayed in a strange pattern. He had two peaks moving forward equally in the front. The peaks were all hammers, while the valleys that were formed all had polearms. Axes made up the slopes.

  It looked intimidating.

  I loaded a fresh mag. I had been stupid and not done it on the roof.

  The gnomes walked in perfect time. The rhythm of their footfalls was nothing short of parade-like precision. They marched forward, and I could even hear that their breaths were in sync.

  I could see the edge of the road where it gave way to the parade field. We had only dealt with a skirmishing force. Whether or not The Voice was pulling reinforcements from somewhere else, I wasn’t sure, but I did look back every four paces.

  Nothing followed.

  “For the glory of Bolokbal!” a voice yelled in the distance.

  “A silver for each gnome ear!” The Voice yelled.

  Well, I thought that was just a little rude, and it made me wish to put the laser on the asshole's head.

  The gnomes finally pushed into the parade ground.

  Fifty meters separated them, and the remaining Telethan forces.

  The Telethan’s outnumbered us still, but they had foolishly wasted all of their archers

  “We need a better position,” I told Elly.

  We all looked around before I finally saw the base of the statue that wasn’t completed. It was about a meter high, and about four meters on each edge.

  “There,” I pointed.

  Elly nodded, and we all ran for the area.

  We were noticed.

  Asshole had ten horses in reserve that he decided to send toward us.

  The good news about horses is that they are very distinctive and offer a very good target for a grunt. The bad news is, they are fast.

  I lined up my laser on the chest of the lead calvary guy and pulled the trigger.

  The man slumped, and then fell onto the stone below hard. His horse didn’t seem to care, as it continued to charge toward us.

  Elly grabbed the other Rose Thorns and formed a strange wavy wall about ten feet in front of us.

  The two archers fired their arrows at the horses and riders alike but had no effect. Their armor was too thick.

  I traversed to the next rider and laid him out. The bullet must have tumbled because I saw a spurt of blood fly out the top of his helmet.

  The horses were less than fifty meters from us, traveling at full gallop, with the riders bearing large pointed lances.

  I took out two more before they reached the Rose Thorns.

  My heart sank as I saw a lance aim straight for Elly and her comrades.

  “No!” I screamed as I saw the gleaming metal point push straight for my wife.

  Then I noticed Elly was not there.

  All four Thorns leapt almost simultaneously while spinning in the air. They had somehow used their spear as a stationary pole vault.

  Elly was easily eight feet high. She lashed out with her weapon, spearing the rider, not directly in front of her, but to her side. She wasn’t the only one, either. Each Thorn slashed at the neck of the rider.

  Blood sprayed as throats were slit with the razor-sharp edge of a Rose Thorn’s Thorn.

  The riders all slumped and fell, as the massive wound in their neck spilt blood like a fucking anime.

  It was synchronized murder ballet, and I loved it. I’m not gonna say it made me a little more, umm happy to have my wife, I’m just gonna say, a woman that can kill a human with such precision is a definite turn on.

  The Rose Thorns landed almost together and turned to see the final rider push straight for us.

  I pulled my M4 up reflexively, unsure of what to do. The horse was headed straight toward me, and instead of moving like I should have done, I watched my wife.

  The swordsman next to me leapt forward and brought his Grass Blade down in one smooth motion, severing the entire horse's head from its body.

  He followed the motion an upswing cutting the lance in two and then followed through with a quick pierce to the side of the rider. It all happened in under a second.

  The horse collapsed and slid straight for my legs.

  I jumped a little to get out of the way.

  I watched as the swordsman dropped to a knee and began to pray over the body of the horse.

  Elly came in and checked on me.

  “That was insane!” I yelled.

  “We do not normally kill horses, but he had no choice.”

  “What? No, you guys! Holy shit!”

  She just smiled and walked over to give a quick, comforting word to the sullen swordsman.

  We started running for the statue base when I heard the slam of hundreds of metal on metal contacts.

  I looked to my right and saw the gnomes and Telethans had made contact, and it was bad.

  On the narrow road, the gnomes had the advantage of their size, and I imagine the ability to fight in tunnels. In the open, the Telethans’ size and reach made them more than formidable.

  The gnomes would route any minute. I had to finish the fight quickly.

  We made it to the base of the statue, and I immediately scanned for The Voice. I could see him standing on a pedestal reading from a scroll. The words were foreign and melodic. They sent shivers up my spine.

  With my night vision, I could see that there were two figures standing next to The Voice, one was shorter than a gnome, and the other I could barely make out a form.

  I put my laser on The Voice’s center of mass and pulled the trigger.

  With lightning speed, the whispy outline inte
rcepted the rounds.

  The outline jerked with each impact but didn’t fall.

  I flipped up my monocle and took up a good sight picture through my ACOG. The backlighting from the torches made the image a lot less clear than I would have liked, but I saw what I needed to see.

  The same disgusting creature that killed Snake Stomper had blocked my rounds.

  Little motes of shadow flowed from where I shot him towards the ground.

  Next to the two was a little fucking bitch.

  “We must withdraw!” Elly said.

  I could hear the panic in her voice.

  I looked over to the gnomes, and they had formed their weird turtle thing again. At least half of their numbers were lying on the ground.

  “Kevin,” Snarf yelled, “We know where you are!”

  “You fucking little bitch! I’ll fucking kill you!” I was a little pissed off that he had switched sides. Not sure if you could tell.

  “Temper temper, Kevin,” Snarf yelled.

  We were screwed; the attack had failed. The Telethans were starting to encircle the gnomes.

  Thoughts of what The Voice or worse, Snarf would do to Elly, gained purchase in my mind.

  We would not be taken alive.

  I still had an M4. I climbed the base of the statue, took a knee, and proceeded to knock down knight after knight.

  The Telethans were undeterred. They continued their march toward the gnomes.

  Anxiety started to grip me, as I watched with horror the mass of armored men swing and break the polearms of the defending gnomes. They had less than thirty seconds.

  I loaded another magazine in a desperate attempt to assist my allies.

  Elly was shouting something, but I could barely hear her.

  I was about to witness the death of nearly one hundred good people.

  Chapter 45

  The first swing of a Telethan longsword crashed down against a gnomish shield, slicing it in two.

  I fired wildly into the onslaught.

  I must have been lucky because I felled at least twelve Telethans at once.

  No, that wasn’t correct; I thought I felled a dozen Telethans.

  Then I smiled as twelve more dropped, followed by another. I was able to just barely make out an arrow protruding from the head of one of the felled.

  “Kevin!” Elly yelled.

  I looked to see why she was yelling at me.

  Her spear came up and deflected a swing from the smokey aberration that had intercepted the bullets. The evil thing had closed the distance and was coming straight for me.

  I jumped back and fired five rounds at the asshole.

  The bullets seemed to impact, and I saw little puffs of evil spring up from his chest.

  It didn’t phase him, though.

  Elly swung, pulled her spear back, and stabbed it straight in the neck, as did another Rose Thorn.

  There was no apparent effect.

  The smoke monster, who I now know was Bolokbal, reached up with both of his hands, sliced clean through both Elly’s and her sister’s spears.

  The biggest thing I miss about Earth is that everyone can be killed by just about anything. I once read about a British woman who died when she tripped and impaled herself on one of those metal Starbucks’ straws.

  Hell, how many rapists die every year from Malaria?

  In Teletha, gods don’t die unless something with a divine weapon or another god tries to kill them.

  Bolokbal smiled wickedly, turned quicker than I had ever seen anything move, and swiped one finger at the Rose Thorn, who stabbed him in his neck.

  It was so fast, my mind had trouble comprehending it.

  The Rose Thorn, who was thankfully not Elly, grabbed at her stomach, as her intestines spilled to the floor.

  Elly let out a visceral scream and threw the wooden end of her spear into the back of Bolokbal.

  I fired at least five more rounds into him, but my shots did the same thing as before.

  The swordsman leapt forward and slashed down with an expert cut against Bolokbal’s head.

  Once again, nothing happened.

  Bolokbal smiled again, grabbed the sword by the blade, and forced it back through the face of the swordsman.

  The elf stood there convulsing for a few seconds before collapsing.

  “Elly, get back!” I yelled as I put three more rounds into him.

  The two archers had already retreated to a safer space and were pelting him with arrows.

  The other two Rose Thorns created a barrier between Bolokbal and me.

  How do you fight smoke?

  A thunderous roar echoed across the parade grounds, followed by the thud of heavy footfalls.

  I couldn’t spare a glance.

  Bolokbal advanced carefully, swatting away the spear strikes, leaking black wisps.

  The thuds grew louder, and I heard heavy rasping come from my right.

  Bolokbal advanced forward, and before I knew what happened, a fucking train hit him.

  Well, not a train, a BAFB.

  The four of us stared in disbelief as the Big Ass Fucking Bear took Bolokbal in his mouth, slid fifty meters to a halt, and shook the ever living dog piss out of him.

  I must have watched with gleeful pleasure for twenty seconds.

  I was brought back to reality by a deep groaning, the type of groaning that large rocks make when they scrape together.

  I looked toward the direction, “Oh, what fresh hell is this?”

  I was pretty close on to my description.

  The ground beneath The Voice opened, and a beam of energy shot up and went straight toward the moon. In that five-foot energy beam was The Voice.

  Snarf started to laugh maniacally.

  I watched for half a second as The Voice started to transform into some sort of hentai monster. Only half a second, though.

  I brought my M4 up to my shoulder, looked through the ACOG, centered the star of the Fisherman’s Wife Two the Retentacling, and fired.

  Not sure what I expected to happen, but you know, the bullets did nothing because, of course, they didn’t.

  The Voice completed his transition from Nazi poster boy to purple hentai monster.

  “What the fuck?” I yelled.

  “This ends now!” a booming voice proclaimed. “I will not allow you to claim this city.”

  I looked around for the source of the voice but saw none.

  “It’s too late!” Snarf responded, “Bolokbal has pledged himself to me, and The Voice is my champion! I claim this city!”

  To say I was confused was a bit of an understatement. I kind of thought Bolokbal was the HMFIC, not Snarf.

  A second voice boomed across the parade ground, “I stand with Donker!”

  This time I found where the voice was coming from. Brykon, that fucking one-eyed Oompa Loompa looking jackoff, stood far away from the fighting, which was still in full swing.

  “Do you know who you challenge sufferer?” Little Bitch said.

  I was about to yell something.

  “I put you in a box a thousand thousand generations before, and I will do it again,” Donker answered.

  Snarf got visibly upset over that remark.

  We were still at least one hundred meters from Snarf and Hentai Voice guy, so I felt I was safe.

  I was wrong.

  Snarf, who was a little bitch, stopped being a little bitch, and started being a hydra.

  His noggin split into five different snakey heads with mouths full of oversized teeth. His skin turned darker and became an almost midnight blue. His eyes turned bright red and began to glow.

  I swallowed a bit and started to rethink my whole, making fun of people thing.

  Snarf was not the only one to change; I watched as Donker went from a walking farmer to one of those waking trees in Lord of the Rings. OK, I’ll stop pretending that I don’t know those movies by heart. He turned into Tree Beard, but bigger. His limbs extended and leaves sprouted everywhere. He became incredibly
intimidating, and I was sure he was twice the size of Snarf.

  Brykon, on the other hand, turned into a giant hedgehog. No, that was a typo. That fucking Oompa Loompa disappointed me once again when he turned into a pirate Sonic without an eyepatch.

  I thought about shooting Snarf, but based on the effectiveness of my weapon against Shadowy Bastard, I decided not to.

  Meanwhile, Hentai Voice was getting used to his new skin. He stood about fifteen feet tall, had eight or so arms with giant hooks on end, but retained his waist down the body. I think it was to retain his ability to fuck goats. That’s just a theory though, it might be sheep.

  Donker the kick-ass giant tree and Brykon the hedgehog, charged toward Snarf the not so little bitch, and Hentai Voice.

  I wasn’t sure what to do.

  To my left was BAFB playing with his new chew toy and to my front were three gods and a, well, I wasn’t sure what he was. Demon, I think, is the best description.

  I looked over to my right and saw the Telethan footmen were doing their best to hold against a handful of elves led by my man Lotash, and my other dude Glory Beard.

  I also smiled as I watched Bob rip the head off one of the knights and fling it at a pikeman. Bob then wiped his hands with a look of total disgust on a dead human.

  The fight on the melee side seemed to be in our favor.

  I ran back up to the statue base and scanned the battlefield. I also took shots of any Telethan that presented a target.

  One moment all was lost, and the next, we had a BAFB chewing on a god.

  I laughed a little.

  Donker and Snarf attacked each other in earnest. Donker swung and smacked the blue off of Snarf, while Snarf started chewing on Donker’s bark. They exchanged blows like Godzilla and Mothra.

  Brykon, the fucking hedgehog, however, was only useful at one thing, fucking suffering.

  Hentai Voice had his elephant-sized Sonic ass wrapped up with all his tentacles and was prying needles from him one at a time.

  “What do we do?” Elly asked.

  “Let them fight,” I said wisely. I then knocked myself out of the stupidity, took aim, and decided to take a couple of potshots at Hentai Voice.

  Brykon, of course, channeled his inner Bret and decided to take the bullet.

  That bullet hit him in the front left leg, which caused him to drop his guard. Hentai Voice took advantage of the situation and wrapped a Japanese Raper around his leg, pulled, and flopped Brykon into a position every sailor was used to.